Dont ever think your fighting in the light, your fighting in the dark. The
sacrifice is never knowing why.....
Your testing yourself. why? I dont know. is this all you have? Im feeling it,
even though im alone, why? I dont know why why
you cant connect with the people around ypuir. do you evenm know who you are,
eventua;;u everything eill theale and you will just be alone again.
Dont you know now why. You are here. you cannot feel outside, you just feel
yourself, i dontknow if this will change anything you wiill remain, mmmm,,,,,,
But im feeling it, even with no one around, i can be whole, i will guide myself
to the limits of my choice.
no one will look, no matter, im still here, that is all that matters
so many things attacking me at once, i am alonne, i must make others feel, no
one will make me feel
throw your hands up!!!!!!!!! jump in or jump ourl, what u gonna do now
keep rolllonm!!!! keeep rollon!!! kepep rollin!!!!, i gota cli;; im fucked up
real badddddddddd
theres too many dudes here, fuck that man, thers my hiomies, i dont know,
fellow beings, i can smell them, wjeere are them,. they here in here in my
place but its ok, they be gone soom i be kckdicng them out they by gone. shit i
be fucked up not for other se but for my own use,l its ok ai ooom ,
kaoiasdasdjkasdbasfjkaasdfmhbasf
fuck trhtis it be a shit i he ehll leel;; wroo;l;ong wtriilnigns feell it
feeelllll!
im insane, yea
my life my pride is broken
you have tio act like your someone
why?
to live what youve learned
i hurt myself again just to turn it back at you
you want to share what youve been from!!!!
the pace is just to fast you just wont last,
sup, the people scare me, my pet heals me
nuggets, i cannot im so sorry i cant resist sorry soryy sorry the stain acroos
the plain i cannot resite it keeps me so insode the box, cannot leabve, im so
soryy the music moves me so baddd
please take these instructions and carry them on your adventures to heaven
i can t seem to find myself again, im so insecure, somethings crawiling in my
head, i cannot shake, it carrylyset me to you, i cannot take you to beyond me
this cannot move beyond me
this is my lastt calll i cannot find myself again my fucjling walllc sare
closign in
can you FWEEEL IW> FWEEL IT DA<
feeel it ass it endsss!!!!
Shit im coming back to reality, the above posted on
http://pub73.ezboard.com/buniversaltheory
omg im so fucking wasted, i want to take it to everyone i cant explain how,
shitttt@!!!!!
mr hann, lets hear it for the great mr hannnn, and now for a lesson in rythem
management. posting in crossreference section feel the air,
Why cant people feel music, why cant i convey it inwords, why must i be alone
when there are people around me, just me my music and my diary. Is this my only
way to feel alive. Why?
how fitting, gone ggoooeoenenenennoeno, goorooraoorna, ngooognaio,
ggoooaogoagonaonfoanosasbfoaoa, ssaaaaa zan sen se stern saen dfhdio dso de
bachi o e matsu da e me ta te, se gonoaonjoan,m goahgaogfna
that was a particel of my life,. can u feel it?
i dont think anyone can,. its a sad sad song that only i hear
no one else. me alone.
hehe my windows media player is playing forbidden songs i mixed a lng time ago
is this what happens when your a 23 yoear old virgin, lol i need to masterbate
enigmatic encounter ATB song, feeel it, does anyone feel it.
Im just searching for someone else who feels it:
the weak hours of the morning spent cleaning a mess others made
no time for sleep
does this thing have a counter when do i cease to be a essence nd become a
being, i dunno, can i be one with myselfe will it ever end
will anyone feel what i am feeling and become with me, ever>?
the end of a story it must begin again@
Its all gone, people are making chicken noises in my living room, it is cold.
When will the heater start, i am becoming more man than beast, i will apologize
eventuallu, a good way to burn an afternoon or perhaps a morning.
Things i caused wish they were gone, should i leave, no, music and people in my
house are keeping me near, i cannot leave this seat, it keeps me, can you hjear
the music?
do de dun, do de nu, i will translate:
im too boring hehe
turn around smell what you dont see
close your eyes its so clear
heres the mirror, heart there is no sing
on both wings you can get in
dont think twice before you listen to your heart
follow the trails that forever start
what you need and whatever you will feel
is just a question of the dear
in the eye of the storm you will see the lonly dove
the experience of survival is the key
to the gravity of love
try to think about it
thats no chance to live your life and discover what it is
its the gravity of love
look around just be a part
can you hear your voice
find the one that will guide you to the limits of your choice
thats the guide to the gravity of love. can you feel it
hear it? You will respond and respond
I have an important decision to make today and tomorrow. Microsoft is doing
interviews at my school next Tuesday, the opportunity to schedule an interview
with them has arisin. There are some factors I must consider before making this
decision.
1) I am nervous:
- I have hardly any experience being interviewed and none by a large company.
counter: I am nervous about most things, and the experience of going through
this interview will benefit me greatly for future interviews.
2) Time may be taken out of my normal schedule for this.
counter: Lets face it this semmester is pretty much a blow off semester, the
workload is small, only 3 classes, etc... Time is not a factor.
3) I feel not very confident about my ability to perform a job they set before
me.
counter: If i do get the job, they will train me, at any rate my performance at
the interview will give them the ability to determine if i can perform
adequatly, so no need to worry about this.
4) Relocation. Everything is paid for, its only for a summer. Besides i got
bored off my ass last summer, this will give me something to do and a way to
feel better about myself. I like challenges.
In conclusion I am goin to register for an interview. I will alot one hour of
time for it, 10AM interview should work nicely, wake up at 8 and get there at
9:50. Sounds good. In the least this will give me a chance to get more
interview experience and at the most it will give me an opportunity to hone my
computer skills, adventure, something to do over the summer, get some money and
gain confidence in myself.
Tomorrow when I wake up I will call both to get more information and to
schedule and interview at 10AM assuming individual interviews are whats
happening. After this I will need to get a business suit, perhaps on Saturday.
Wow, the last few days have really flown by. Had the interview on Tuesday a
8:15AM, followed by classes, and studying for various tests, then tests, more
studying and now, now.
The interview itsself was easy, it felt natural. For some reason it made me
really hyper, even though my body was death tired. With the first psychological
interview the interviewer was like 15min late, but we flew through like 20 long
questions. My favorite was: "If you could change anything about anything what
would it be?". I responded by telling them about the unchangable lime green
start menu button in Windows XP, the interviewer laughed, I laughed, it was
fun. Also, the interviewer was quite an attractive lady, maybe in her mid to
late twenties, hehe that helped too. Then there was a bunch of standard
questions, why do you want to work at Microsoft, Have you ever worked in a
group before, what is your daily routine, etc etc etc.... for about an hour.
Then it was time for the technical interview, this part sort of freaked me out
a little. I was asked to write a procedure to convert an interger to a binary.
God for like 30min the interviewer and I struggled with it. I proposed some
simple solutions, but apparently they would have taken up too much memory or
take too long to execute. After playing around with the program a little more
we ran out of time and the interviewer told me to complete the procedure later
and return it to him. Within 20min of leaving I came up with what I thought was
a good solution, unfortunatly I had to give it to the secratary to give to him
as he was gonna be busy all day with other interviews, so ill never know if it
was a satisfactory answer.
All this interview stuff was a little stressful, but for some reason it was
fun. I enjoyed answering the questions and fumbling with the program. After the
interview I felt real good about myself, feels good to have a reason to study,
jobs are out there hehe.
Im not sure if i will get the internship yet. Seems like i go back and forth
between for sure and no chance in hell multiple times each day, hehe guess ill
just have to wait.
Time to go read some other diarys and relax a little.
I am beginning to realize I have a drinking problem. I’m not one of those
people that drinks every day after or before work. I’m the type that doesn’t
drink during the week at all and drinks heavily on the weekends.
This in itsself is not necessarily a bad thing, drinking a little on weekends
when compared to drinking a little every day is a good thing. However, things I
do when I am drunk, or when I drink too much are bad things.
Example: Last night, I went to one of Allen's work friends house for a birthday
party. Things started off good, I had my usual 40oz and sipped on it till it
was gone. Then I realized the people of the house had bought beer, so of course
I helped myself to some. I had another three beers. Maybe for a normal sized
person this would be ok, but for me and my 130 pound body a fourty and three
beers is a hellish amount.
Back to the party. Things were cool, I was having a good time, maybe talking to
some people, listening to music or playing pool. Then things got bad, someone
stole a TV and VCR out of someones pimped out integra. The mood of the party
went south fast, they were outside arguing for a long time, then they called
the cops. I think they knew who did it, it was someone at the party, I think
they went over to his house and beat him down, but im not sure. Eventually they
came back, it was time for Allen to go so we all went home.
The car ride was when I started "loosing" it, we took someone home. I started
talking to him, in my drunkin state it must have been scary for him. Then I
just started yelling at cars and saying random things, people were telling me I
was being obnoxious. Maybe the problem is that the people i hang out with dont
get as drunk as me and as a result we dont mesh well. I dunno.
When we got home I was ok for a while, but I started degrading fast. I got
bored, when I get bored and drunk at the same time, I get real emotional. I
guess its my way of getting attention that I dont get otherwise. I started
yelling about the bastard that stole that guys car stuff, I started beating my
fists together and yelling, it hurt, but I was really mad. Eventually my
friends wrestled me to the ground so I couldnt hurt myself anymore. At this
point all the moving around had stirred up the beer in my stomach, it wanted to
come out.
I ran to the bathroom where I remained for a few hours while my friends left
and I puked my brains out. I could feel a strong pain in my heart as I puked, I
guess it was my rib cage rubbing against it, my chest moved in a lot, it was
hard to puke.
When I finally got out, I spent another few hours wishing for the drunkenness
to go away so I could sleep. I wondered through the house muttering about my
jacket I couldnt find (luckly I found it today crumpled in the closet).
Eventually my drunken state faded and I was able to sleep.
I wouldnt call that a healthy drinking event. Healthy would be if I just
finished my 40 and chilled the rest of the night, those 3 beers got me
hyperstimulated, I did many things I regret and im sure I look like less of a
man in the eyes of my friends.
I need to learn to control the amount I drink, but after a 40 i cant help but
to keep drinking, it just seems natural. Another thing that might have caused
this was the semi-awkwardness of the party, most of the people there were
asian, they had a rice cooker, etc... They spoke in their native language a
lot, that or broken english, it made me feel uncomfortable, that guy having his
VCR/TV stolen only made it worse.
I guess there is not much i can do now. Just learn a lesson and move on with
life, I dont know why I have a tendancy to analize past events and regret them.
Perhaps a normal person would have more ease in letting go and moving on, I
dunno. I dont really feel a lot better having writing this, I think I am still
a little drunk. Hopefully this will fade eventually.
Isn't it strange how some events are so strange. One minuite you are doing
something, then reality fades without you realizing it, you become consumed in
some thing. But, then the event ends, you return inside yourself and must cope
with reality once again.
I just had this experience, now I am left with a vague feeling inside me, I
want to capture it somehow because I know it will fade away. I have so many
thoughts now, that the event left me with, but i am not sure if they can be put
forth here, or anywhere. Even now, reality is pulling me back, but im not sure
if i want to go. Im not sure if I can stay away from it hehe. Maybe listing a
few things learned will help, im not sure tho, this experience will probably
never be felt by anyone but me, and even at that, never again in the exact way.
Its like everything has come to a head. Everything before now has built up to
this moment. Along this line of thinking it is hard to do anything cept
continue to meditate on it. I dont have to be doing anything and it would still
be here, yet I continue typing. I dont know why. Maybe it is for arts sake, an
attempt to bring something into light that has never been seen before, maybe it
is just my ego wanting attention. Thinking has become cumbersome, it is much
easier just to exist. Doing any activity is cumbersome as well. Maybe this is
my identity, a non-identity. Maybe this is just my unique reaction to the
event. Ideas that come and fade, like the tide, they keep going, this is not
bad or good. I will just savor the moment.
Was just reading someones diary, they were angry for some reason, like an
ex-boyfriend or something. They think it is just them against the world. I dont
understand this, why would anyone take up this mentality, why not just become
one with the world. Embrace pain and suffering the same way you embrace joy and
happiness, this is the answer.
By pitting yourself against the world, you are just hurting yourself. The world
is in a natural state of chaos, man's normal state of existance is pain. It is
painful to stand up and act in the world, to go outside and place yourself in
the critical eyes of others, even in our rooms negative thoughts continually
plague out minds. Death is always around us, a slight mistake with a knife,
broken consentration while driving, old age, lack of air can take existance
from us in a second, the thoughts we hold so dear, the thing you call me would
dissapear. This mechanism creates chaos in the form of violence and other
lashings out at the world, and at ourselves.
This is a fundamental truth we all endure every minuite of every day if we
realize it or not. By pitting yourself against the world in your mind, by
running over others in search of happiness, crushing hearts because it would be
'inconveinent', and viewing all events in a negative light you are only harming
yourself, because there are no mental events that take place outside the
inescapable shell of your consciousness.
What is the answer then?
If i am faced with such a harsh truth what should i do?
We have an escape route, even with all these problems we can find peace. With a
thought and a non-thought we can break down our physical form at a whim and
make us not aware of ourselfs. With another thought we can bring ourselves back
into form. Try to flow with everthing around you, your parents, friends, pets
and even inanimate objects, cars, grass, emotions. The only absolute freedom is
death, however in our dreams and a properly tuned mind we can be at peace. So
the answer is not to fight reality, dont feel like you are at odds with
anything. Embrace reality, embrace your existance because it is all you really
have. Embrace both the inside and the outside. Breathe and feel, deep breaths,
calm relaxed face and body. There is nothing to worry about, and when it is
time to leave this place look for it in the work you do and the pain you
endure, it is there, but it is hard to find.
Feel sorta bogged down. Heavy studying for the next few days, spend time with
relatives. Im laughing at myself, this sounds in opposition to my little
religion. Hehe. "There shouldnt be such a thing as bogged down, yet i feel it,
hrm i thought i was supposed to embrace it". hehehehehe. I keep giggling to
myself.
What am I doing with those feelings of "bogginess" now?
(1) hiding them? hell no
(2) embracing them? not quite
(3) angry at them, attacking them? no
(4) describing them in some vain attempt to make them leave? no
I think im just talking to myself about them, for some reason this makes me
feel better. I could go play more video games and drown them out for a few, but
they would come back eventually. I could just vent this feeling as anger or
some other destructive emotion directed at myself or others, but that would
just be another way if hiding from it.
I could describe them and hope for them to leave, but they wont leave that way,
the only way to make them leave is to complete the events.
I know I will do what needs to be done, but do i really need this emotion, it
serves no purpose. It is almost a counter to the stuff I need to do. Its just a
speedbump to cross before reaching the on-ramp to the highway.
I guess this is my form of art, turning emotions into a flat square of sand and
then shaping them into things with words.
Or maybe this is just another way of hiding, just like videogames and TV. I can
hide emotions behind words. The little shapes will capture the emotion so I
wont have to deal with it.
Maybe it is a combination of all. Maybe its like programing. I use the language
to describe the problem in a different way, and hopefully the constraints of
the language will help me see a solution never seen before. And when I hit
compile all that I have written will turn into something useful as opposed to
the sitting on my ass im doing now in stead of studying.
There, I feel better now :)
Ive been debating a vaction to Japan for about a week during fall break. It all
started when I had this urge to explore and get out from my normal
surroundings.
It will cost about $1000 dollars to go. But, im not worried about the money, im
practically talking myself out of it because of these things:
(1) Fear of people, desire to stay alone as much as possible
(2) Having to interact with people (travel agency, hotel, train, food, etc...)
(3) Fear of airplanes/the unknown
(4) Not having a schedule and staying in my room for the trip
(5) Having a schedule and not being able to be leisurly
(6) Embarassment, culture shock
But still this urge to go out and explore, to leave familiar surroundings for a
while.
If I decide to go it will have to be a spontanious thing, I hate thinking too
much.Grr why cant I just follow my natural instinct instead of talking myself
out of everything. Im too lazy, i only do things if i have to, so i have
problems taking vacations or even getting out of the house for a few hours for
anything besides work.
Maybe I should try to conquer a pointless trip to the mall before a trip to
another country?
OR maybe I should just go for it and break out of my shell for a week.
Bleh, i dont know, ill probably just end up being a bum this winter. Other
people make it seem easy, I guess reading travel diaries will have to do.