Fuck, i drank too mcuh. I hate this shit. I cant sleep when im drunk. BBut i
like drinking, it releases me from the tedious weekdays, quite a contrast
right?
Tomorrow, i will be nose deep in hardcore homework and shit, every second
dedicated to achieving a goal. But now im so unaware of anything, nothing
matters, i have no fuckus im just her for now, a blob in my seat. Beer is good,
no doubt. We all die someday.
We are all born with an expiration date, we need to enjoy life, no regrets.
Just because im socially inept doesnt mean i cant enjoy life with beer and my
friends me and me,.
No regrets, i wish i had a job, i wish i was serving under some master. I am
willing to give my life to some cause anything. I want to die, but im still
alive, how do i bridge the gap> im not sure
is this me or just bberr talking, im not sure.
dictionary wont help you im speaking in drunk.
Can you not understant/
Fuck this, this is my time to unleash on the world.
these words they feel so right now, but tomorry they will feel, evil wrong,
bad/ Why did you do this to yourself you bastard.
Beer is evil, beer is good. i dont know the answer, but theirs more things to
worru about right?
NANI
NANI
NANI
i dont fucking know, typting feeels good nownr right?
its a downer? what. i dont knwo.
im not tracting good righ, not tracking, whats goin on i dont understand.
Its a path now, you must follow, you cant read books now, you would taint your
existance.
Is this the result of not being able to connect with human beings? I think so!!
Yea, so im just sitting here. Mondays kill me, not the time spent doing school
stuff, but the empty time to fill. I get out at 2pm, do homework for about 4 or
5 hours. Then watch TV and try to ammuse myself till it gets late enough that i
will sleep soundly until 12:15pm tomorrow. Then i go to school and get out of
school at 7pm. Study a little, then sleep to wake up at 9:15am. Its really
weird, monday is two days in one while tuesday is not even a day, the pattern
repeats through the week.
Not that I hate it or anything. I actually enjoy it to a degree, its a solid
block of free time followed by a solid block of school.
Well, i didnt come here to say that, oh well. My brain is pretty tired. Ive
come to a stunning revelation tonight.
Ive been trying to learn written Japanese for the past few weeks. Its very
hard, there are two basic sets of symbols that stand for phonetic sounds, that
part is simple, ive learned most of them, theres about 50 or so i think. Then
theres this other set of symbols derived from the Chinese language, there are
over 10,000 of these that mean very specific things like rice patty (a square
divided evenly into fourths) or meeting place (a wierd building looking thing)
or language (a bunch of little squiggly squares inside squares and some more
odd little shapes all mushed together into one big shape). This part of the
language is very complicated, there is no rule of pronunciation that helps you
learn these, although they do have sounds that are made using the other two
basic scripts. You just have to memorize them, fortunatly I found this cool
website that translates these complicated symbols and gives their
pronunciation.
Ok, so the graphical part is not so hard. Memorize the sounds these symbols
represent then look them up in the dictionary. No problem, Japanese is easy
right? wrrrrooong, lol
Often words mean several non-related things, for example, 'ha' can mean tooth,
sect, school, leaf, foliage and edge of a knife. Its meaning is dependent on
its context. Unfortunatly, its often hard to understand context when many of
the words around it have so many meanings. Oh, also there are no spaces in
Japanese writing so you have to take educated guesses on where one word ends
and another begins. It is very much trial and error. On top of that sentences
are hard to make out, the subject comes first and it just seems like all the
words are randomly thrown in.
For example:
koko wa reto manga chuushintekiyakuwari shita saito desu
this literally means: the subject is the individual a retrospective manga
central role below site (polite sounding)
and you have to rearrange it to be:
the subject of the site below is an individual retrospective on japanese comics
and use some creativity to make it make more sense(looking at pictures on the
site helped me learn what it was about, lol):
This website is about my experiences in roleplaying japanese comic book
characters.
Ya so theres 4 steps to translating a sentence:
1)Translate symbols(katakana, hiragana, kanji) into english letters(romaji)
2)Translate romaji into english literal meaning
3)Rearrange literal meaning into more understandable meaning
4)Use context and creativity to make an understandable sentence
Despite these obstacles I have a lot of optimism towards my eventual fluency in
written Japanese.
If you think about it English is just like this in a way, there are a huge
amount of things you must understand that are not implicitly stated before it
makes any sense. To use a simple example, "I'm goin' to take a piss", you would
have to understand im means i am, goin actually means going, and piss means
urinate, also it sounds funny, 'going to', it doesnt make any logical sense.
Going to = moving to?. Ya so anyway just a lot of stuff to implicitly know
before you can just read a sentence and know its meaning.
Just like math in a way, notations, rules etc....
Anyway, this little logical argument makes me more optimistic towards learning
Japanese. At first nothing made sense, then it sort of did when i could
understand literal meaning. Now i just need to learn how to turn all these
particles into a thing with meaning.
This is quite an entertaining hobby.
Today has been odd. The entire day I've felt very unsatisfied.
But now I feel satisfied. Just sitting here, not really doing anything of
effect or importance.
Odd isnt it?
Jesus. I just watched Platoon, thats got to be the most depressing movie ive
ever seen.
I cant stop thinking about war and death. Theres a part of me that wants to
die, I think theres a part of that in everyone, its just that most people
aren't aware of it.
I picture my lifeless corpse, it is beautiful, so peaceful. And there is no me.
I honestly fear life more than death. Its getting painful to remain alive
again. I think of my future, it just keeps going like this with no sign of
release.
I remember hearing that death is just a gradual fade out, its not painful. Like
the end of a movie, it just fades away and then it is gone. That sounds like
the best thing in the world right now.
I would commit suicide, but im too lazy. I dont have the power in me to do it.
I know this because ive held a knife to my chest many times, when I tell my
brain to drive it in, nothing happens. If I was a more ambitious person I would
be dead by now.
I need someone to kill me. I like to imagine myself dying in a heroic manner,
saving someones life or fighting an enemy of circumstance. This is just a
fantasy. I will most likely die of old age.
People die every day.
When will I be one of those people?
Alright, I have a lot of stuff goin on this week, need to draw a perfect battle
plan for flawless execution.
Tuesday:
Wake-up
School
Use 2 hour break to study for Physics Exam
Physics Exam
Come home
Do a few C++ optimization problems
Sleep
Wednesday:
After school
Study for Politics Exam
More optimization problems
Thursday:
Wake up early for fillings at dentist
Sleep 2 hours
School
Home
Study more for politics exam
Sleep
Friday:
Politics Exam
Physics Lab
Ok, thats it for the week. It doesnt seem too hard. I just need to remember to
study hard for those Exams, I dont want to go through those bitch classes
again.
That was the uncomplicated part of this week, events come I prepare for them,
they go.
Now, we get to the weekend, things get a lot more complicated here. There are
an astounding amount of factors to consider some of which cannot be counted on.
Event:
Party Saturday, my house, keg, free beer(free to me anyways hehe).
Reason for party is some friend of my friends girlfriend who wants to have a
birthday party for one of her friends. No problem here, I like parties + free
beer delivered to my house = fun.
Furthermore, Ive talked to Shaynas friend and she sounds hot and we seem to
have some stuff in common. Plus more girls will be there so it will be
entertaining. I dont feel used, beer + women is good enough. Ok, so no problems
yet.
Another possible problem is that most of the girls are 19 or 20. If the party
gets busted the cops will have my ass. But thats ok. Im willing to take that
risk for a little fun, you only live once right?
The problem is Mike, Shaynas friends and Mike are at odds. If Mike is there we
would have problems. But, I dont want to tell Mike not to come, we are good
friends. I suppose I could ask Mike to apoligize to shayna and her friends, or
tell him he cant come in. Yes, that seems the most acceptable option.
If i just flat out asked him not to come I would be betraying our friendship
and knowing Mike he would find a way to backstab me. He would prob call the
cops over, or crash the party by fighting and crap. So giving him an ultimatium
at the door really is the only option.
Ok, so thats settled, when shayna calls me and asks me if Mike will be there
Ill tell her about the ultimatum thing. If she cant accept that then I guess
she wont be coming. Which could possibly cause her to pull her friend out who
in turn pulls her friends out leading to NO FREE BEER, NO GIRLS and just
another Saturday night of drinking alone and doing homework. But, I really have
no other options so ill just proceed with this plan and see what comes of it.
At any rate this weekend will be one that stands out.
I dont want to get optimistic about hooking up at the party ,assuming it goes
smoothly, but the possibility exists and thats good enough.
Ok, enough thinking and planning. I know what the plan is, now it is just a
matter of execution.
Hehe. Im way too selfish and self absorbed to carry my own friendships. That
girl. We talked some more, I gave her directions to my house. So she says shes
coming over in about 10min. Well, its a solid hour later, nothing.
I have a few theories:
Theory #1:
She wants me to call her and ask her where she is and stuff. But this is not in
my nature. I think she is trying to turn me into a sentimentalist or something.
Its not that I dont care, I do. Its just if you say you are coming over that is
what I expect and if you cant or something comes up some sort of explaination.
Ive been in enough relationships where the other makes these little lies all
the time, and never comes through on their words. One. Thats all it took, just
one. I want a trustworthy person, even as a friend. I want a person that does
what they say, I think that is a very reasonable request.
Theory #2:
She kept mentioning something like "Did I wake you up?" when I would answer the
phone. I also mentioned some things about heavy course load and no time for
social stuff. So maybe she just said she was coming over having every intention
to do so, but when she thought about it she remembered I might be tired or
asleep and just being nice when I said it was ok for her to come over. So
inside she is really a nice cool person.
I feel guilty for being so selfish thinking.
Theory #3:
Some sort of crisis occured. Got in car wreck, loved one died, loved one needs
help, taken to jail, fell asleep, kidnapped by aliens.....etc.
Its understandable, those things certainly have priority over someone shes
known for all of 20min.
Theory #4:
She is afraid of me and my house. She drove over here, then she realized the
position she was in. Shes gonna be with a guy alone in his house. Perhaps she
has had bad encounters with men in the past(rape?) it seems like such a common
thing today. When she drives up she gets a real bad panic attack. Shes all
convulsing and stuff. White foam comes out of her mouth as her mind is
enveloped in a dark storm of utter fear. Without a thought her
sub-consciousness takes over and drives her home. She then goes to the corner
of her bathroom where she cries uncontrollably and eventually passes out.
Sorta neutral on this outcome.
Theory #5:
She enjoys toying with people's brains so she calls up this house she plans to
party at on the weekend with the intent of "priming" her target. She talks to
him for about 20min basic get to know you stuff. She says goodbye and calls
back asking for directions to his house. She gets directions and says she will
be over soon with no intention of doing so. She knows it will mess up his
brain, she wants him to call her back so she can fuck with him more. He doesn't
call back. She decides not to call either in order to lay the ground to fuck
with him more at his party.
Hehe that would be funny. Im laughing now at the thought of it.
Theory #6:
I somehow passed out and the event of her calling me and talking to her was
just an hallucination. Perhaps, my utter lonliness has caused my brain to
attempt to create the perfect woman. Except the hallucination of her calling me
was just enough to satisfy my needs, as a result the hallucination stopped. If
my needs weren't satisfied the hallucination would have continued until I see
her, she is extrodinarily hot and we have wild monkey sex until I pass out. I
would then wake up tomorrow feeling very satisified.
Certainly a possibility......
Theory #7:
Im actually not alive now. I am either dead or doped up on some alien
spaceship. The entire reality I see now, the diary, the comments, other peoples
diaries. Other people. Air. Cars. Sounds Light. All this never existed
therefore the girl never existed.
Maybe less of a possibility, but still a possibility.
Theory #8 Ultimate Theory:
Existance is not real. It never was. Existance never existed. Nothing. A fire a
blade of grass a vaccuum of nothingness.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Ok, guess i got a little carried away, lol. Well in any case, this has been
more intresting a day than Ive had in a long time. At any rate I found me some
creative ammo for free and im gonna use it. Hopefully this will carry to
tommorrow, we will see.
Ah the days have moved by. Ive accomplished some things. New things have
changed some old things.
My little Mike apology plan aint gonna work. She wants a biig real apology. I
know thers no way in hell Mike is gonna do that. I know he could give a little
BS apology just to make things run nice for one night, but if thats not enough
for her we need to find another option.
Unfortunatly, Ive exhausted them all :/. Ive tried to go about this as an envoy
to a foreign country, so what does an envoy do when he is unable to accomplish
his goal? He goes home, reports the situation as is to his country, explaining
hes done everything he could, then he gracefully relieves himself of envoy
status and goes about his daily affairs.
I will keep my mind open in the following days for some other diplomatic
solution, but I really dont see one arising.
If this falls apart, I still have a nice backup plan for myself. Get really
fuckin loaded and watch the cats and dogs chase each other around. Its all
good.
Dammit, I shouldn't have to be writing this. Ive been drinking for so long and
have had so many bad experiences. I should know how this works by now.
Last night I drank too much. It wasnt that I knew when to stop and didn't. I
was too distracted to remember. What could have been a bad ass night turned
into me puking all night and passing out in the bathroom.
I think this was mostly due to all the hot girls there. I got nervous so I went
for the keg too many times like a sick man to the cure. Its too bad side
effects of the cure can be worse than the disease.
I cant blame anyone but myself however. My brain went on autopilot and decided
to keep drinking, I need to teach my brain to stop at a certain point once on
autopilot. It is not getting conditioned properly on its own. In those utterly
painful moments that are so hard to remember this is where it must happen.
Now, im starting to feel better. But im sorta pissed that I didnt see what
happened for so many hours. Their might have been nudity or perhaps more in my
future had I stopped at my limits.
----------------------------------------------------------------
The monk had somehow found himself in the middle of a party. Sake flowed freely
from a wooden barrel. The monk did not restrain himself from such a rare
opportunity. He drank beyond his hearts content. As a full moon rose overhead
the monk began to lose his mind. Strange thoughts jumped into his head and he
put them into action without a thought.
He began to speak in strange languages and when talking to women he would slip
his desires in. He would say things such as, "Hi how comegivemehead are you."
The monk laughed endlessly not aware he was doing so.
The monk's body began to not work properly. It began to reject what was once
the best sake ever. Suddenly, the monk doubled over in extreme pain, he found
himself alone in the middle of a black forest. The sake was returned to the
ground in a slightly altered form. Tears flowed from the monks eyes as pain
etched itsself into his soul. He collapsed.
Through the night his mind was filled with strange corruptive dreams. Odd
interactions with women. His death in the military. Fire, death, cold,
blackness, pain. A goal he could see, but could never reach. These dreams
consumed him.
An unknown time later the monk's eyes opened to the width of a needle. Somehow,
the sun had crept over the forest. Disoriented and still in pain the monk
picked himself off the ground and began an unpleasantly slow journey back to
his home.
Well its Monday again and it looks to be another 'shit and git' week.
LOL ive gone delirious. I came home from school pretty fuckin happy, it was all
good. I just plowed into my C++ assignment and finished it super fast, was
feelin all happy and stuff. Then I try to upload it and the server wont take my
login, so I take this big internet circle and make a new password. Cool, so I
upload it.
*knock* *knock*. Oh thats my door. Hey, its that hottie from the party, oops
she left a CD here. Ok well here ya go, ya talk to ya later, ya ill call you.
(No problem, time to get back to studies and bask in my completion). OMG shes
walking out the door, omg tight pants, her ass is sooo perfect. Fuck, now I
like this chick more, im getting all emotional, now I want to call her and get
to know her better. Jesus, I never realized she was sooo hot when I was puking
my ass off Saturday and passing out in the bathroom. OOPS i really dont have
her phone number and I have a chubby that wont go away. So I take care of it.
Ok i feel better now, I dont think I have time for a relationship anyway. Back
to computer.
Hrm, whats this, oh its my grade on my Physics 2 exam, lets see, FUCK YOU, 34
out of 100!!!! what the fuck, I studied my ass off, I made fucking study guides
for myself 10 pages long, did every homework assignment, I understood the
concepts and how to apply them. I spent at least 2 hours a day studying, 34, I
figured a 70 at least, I KNEW A LOT OF sHIT ON THERE, fuck.
Hopefully its some grading mistake, but im getting a sinking feeling its not.
So im gonna have to study even harder, the class is not totally ditched. This
grade can be dropped, but now I only have one shot to make it. I need to make
fucking study books 200 pages long from the 50 page chapter. I need to expand
it beyond anything I could possibly imagine, like some fucking psycho just to
pass that fucking class. I dont want a summer full of newbie classes, im gonna
be a senior, its time to specialize in comp sci bro!
Wow, glad thats over with, now im resolved, now I can hang back and watch TV
until I pass out ya. OOPS, looks like I forgot about 15million other things.
LEts see, oops you forgot you fucked your Politics exam too. Ok so you are
gonna have to read that bitch. WAIT, you have an Automata Theory project due
this Thursday. Better do that too. OOPS lab manual preparaion for Friday. Oh
also, you forgot to read politics last week, so your gonna have to read about
100pages in 2 days to get caught up. Oh yea you almost forgot, Politics test
Friday too, better summarize Federalist paper #67. Oh yea and before Physics
class tomorrow you have about 20 problems to do.
Total time for all this shit =
8 + 8 + 2 + 2 = 20hrs.
oh wait, you already spent your 8 hrs today, making the FOUNDATION for the
Automata project and that C++ thing, so now you have 12hrs. For:
100page reading, at roughly a page a minuite = 100min
Automata Theory, ??? who knows, 6hrs today, little progress, lets give it
another 6hrs optimisticlly.
Politics summarization = 1hr.
lab manual = 30min shit.
20 physics probs(learning experience) = 2hrs
OK 10 hours exactly, i think i can do it.
Oops I forgot 100pages and 20problems has to be crammed into a 2 hr period
tomorrow. Fuck. I have to take my time with it too, so i can learn it so I dont
fail classes. Ill find a way.
Fuck. I forgot North Korea is aiming nuclear missiles at us now because the
want to "burn the imperialists to the ground", they want us to rot in hell
cause were just a bunch of fuckers. Oh yea and Sadam probably has biological
weapons in the US right now just waiting to go off. Ok so I could die soon,
sweet, then I wouldnt have to worry about this shit right?
But what if I have to live. Fuck things are changing so much, the countries in
the UN are pitting themselves against each other, world power will soon shift.
We stop looking after everyones asses and just our own by fighting a war
everyone is against in order to save the oil so gas prices dont jump to $5+
a gallon like they are in England. We keep a standing army in Japan and
prohibit them from creating an army of their own, they hate us. North Korea
hates us because we are the only thing preventing them from taking South Korea
for their own. Arab nations hate us because we kept troops in their countries
after the Gulf war thus breaking some religious law, now they are on a holy war
to kill us all and avenge their god. France hates us because Sadam bribed them
with oil in order to create deadlock in the UN to keep us from kicking his ass.
Then we say fuck the UN and move into Iraq with England because they want some
of that oil too and the rest of the UN hates us because we are acting AGAINST
their wishes.
Im a 22 year old virgin with low self esteem, a shit load of work that will
probably never put me better off than I would have been with out it, no beer,
living in a country everyone hates, women hate me, unable to find zen,
constantly afraid of death while wishing for it, my dog is almost dead.
But wait, lets not get all depressed. Whats that sound? Oh wait, stand still, i
can hear it getting closer. Oh yea i recongnize you, your insanity. The only
escape, hey everything is getting numb, insanity YOUR MY TRUE FRIEND> If im
INSANE I DONT HAVE TO LIVE BY NORMAL RULES RIGHT< I CAN BE AN ALIEN< IM NOT
HUMAN ANYMORE< YOU CANT TOUCH THIs SHIT> I AM GOING TO CONTROL MY LIFE THROUGH
INSANITY > NOW I CAN TO ANYTHING AND NOT WORRY ABOUT IT < PAINNOTHING>
WORKNOTHING NOTHING NOTHING< ITS A BIG CLIFF IM ROLLING DOWN< I COULDNT EVEN
STOP IT IF I HAD TO BECAUSE MY BODY COULDNT TAKE IT< GIVE ME MORE WORK<
THATS RIGHT LIFE GIVE ME ALL THE SHIT YOU HAVE, I CAN TAKE IT< IM INSANE. GIVE
ME THE WORST OF EVERYTHING AND THE BEST OF NOTHING< IM A ALIEN I WILL SAW
THROUGH YOUR FUCKING JUNGLE OF SHIT AND DEATH WITH MY INsANITY. FUCK YOU LIFE.
FUCK YOUUUU RIGHT IN THE EAR!!!
Ok I feel a little better now. Got through a bunch of stuff I needed to. I blew
the Physics 2 test cause of some stupid little errors, I overestimated myself
and missed some things. My next chance wont be the same. Im going to take it
slow. Physics is like a woman. I have one shot left to pull this thing around
and its about a month away, I am preparing.
Its like a boxing match. I hit the ground twice hard. If I can stay up I can
beat my opponent, if I fall again I lose.
Im going to ignore international affairs for now. There is nothing I can do to
effect them and there is nothing I can do to prevent them from effecting me. So
will place my trust in the US government that it will find a way for bad stuff
to not happen.
Time is still tight, but i can see the finish line, I know I will get what
needs to be done, done.
I dont need to be insane like im always carrying a fastpaced dialogue with
myself in my head in an attempt to understand reality. I need to be the kind of
insane that is absorbed so much in activity that it forgets itsself. Its not
hard, I learned that today.
Spike died today. It wasn't shocking, I knew he didnt have much time left. He
wouldnt eat his food for the past week. I even tried feeding him ham and other
human food. But he just wouldnt eat. He would bark and howl when he was trying
to sleep, I guess he was in pain.
Its wierd now, the house is so empty. No more sounds of his paws down the
wooden hallway. I will miss him. No more begging to sit on my bed or petting.
No more laying in the sun, or happily eating a bowl of dog food.
Ive had this dog for the past 17 years, we practically grew up together. He was
my best friend. We understood each other.
As dogs go he lived a very long life and he was active right up until the last
few months. I think he was happy. I remember when we would go to my
grandfathers ranch and let him run free for hours at a time. He might catch the
scent of a chipmunk and dig around its hole for hours, or smell a rattlesnake
and search for it. You could see just the tip of his tail sticking out above
the brush, it was almost comical seeing it roam around the land. We could run
together forever. We had some good times. Then we would come home so tired and
he would sleep next to me.
I remember giving him dog bones and he would run out to the backyard and bury
them by digging up some flowers. And that old tennis ball I would just keep
throwing it and he would keep returning it. Those little happy yelps he would
make when I came home at night. I miss him, but im sure hes happier now, he had
been in so much pain for the last few nights. Hopefully, when I die I will get
to see him again and hang out with him.