I've been reading a lot of diaries. I don't understand why some peoples' first reaction when confronted with opposition, strangeness, indifference, stupidity or stress is anger. I react to everything with a measured amount of infdifference or humor, at any rate I think about it and try to make something good come of it. Some people are just different I guess, but I have trouble thinking of them as human......I want nothing to do with these human-animals. But, I must find a way to help them, to bring them out of "misery" and show them the true light. I want to show them the power/tranquility of a mind and body at peace with its-self as well as it's surroundings. I must make it a point to show everyone who is troubled inner peace.
I realized today while watching Star Trek Voyager the need for me to deal emotions/conflicts. I don't mean forgetting them. I don't mean releasing them via various outlets(yelling, violence, computer games, etc...) I mean really dealing with them. Laying them out on the table, chopping them to pieces, reconstructing them, inspecting every piece, just flat out dealing with them until some sort of resolution is reached that I can feel. Without doing this I feel stopped up, my brain is trapped, I create for myself an infinite loop of regression or outburst, infinite guilt or sadness, depression. This is where the guilt comes from, when i'm siting somewhere and I feel guilt even when nothings happening on the outside, my insides are corrupting themselves. Bring it into the open and find someone who can listen to me and respond to me. The answer must be found on the outside, somewhere.... The mind turned on itsself only creates insanity and depression. Look outside.
The answer must be found on the outside and the resolution must be found on the inside.
This evening I went with Thad, Clint and Allen to the mall. At first I didn't
want to go, then I felt like going after "stepping back" from TV, videogames
and homework, but when I got to the mall wanted to go home. I started feeling
like this after I got out of Suncoast. I got bored, everyone was simply looking
and commenting on girls and their past girl experiences, then they all started
going into clothing stores and looking at clothes. They looked at clothes for
wayyyy too long, it was very boring. For a while I felt like I was shopping
with a bunch of girls, really annoying. So I started asking them: "Why are you
looking at clothes for so long?" They responded by saying there was nothing
else to do, I guess looking at clothes made them feel like they were
accomplishing something. Them I asked them, "Why won't you stop talking about
girls and pointing out each others past failures and talking about how you
almost had it?" (which is a lot better than any of us). They responded by
saying they were guys, its what they talk about. Well im a guy and I don't talk
about those things, their boring, talk about something more interesting. They
wouldn't listen. Clint drove me to wal-mart for no reason, on the way he told
me I need to get out more, I told him I wasn't having fun.......When Allen gave
me a ride home we talked about cars and such, that was cool, a hell of a lot
more interesting than girls or trying to be better than each other or making
fun of each other.
These events made me think of things: What do these people in and I have in
common?, Why can't they be like me?, Am I the outsider even though i've know
each of them longer than theyv'e known each other?, Maybe I should consider not
going places with them? These are my closest friends, I don't like being around
them except in short interactions. Maybe on the inside I can't relate to anyone
and i'm a true loner. I dont feel comfortable around people, when people come
over I sigh in relief when they leave. People interrupt my life. What is life
without people? Will I go insane? Maybe I just need to keep people at a
distance to be happy. Maybe i'm just tired today, maybe other days I will enjoy
their company.
Maybe I shouldn't worry about it. I need to take life slowly, think about my
own internal reactions from moment to moment instead of focusing on others
reactions. I think I shouldn't make any decisions about my relationships now.
People I know will be what and who they are from moment to moment. As I go
through life I need to remember to make every action a natural extention of
myself. I need to realize my emotions and act on them when around friends.
I don't understand why peeps make a big deal of Vday. Doesn't mean anything to
me. Wait, i guess it does, I really enjoy those candy valentines. Theyre so
sugarlicious, mmmmm.. Can't seem to find them anytime but now. Heh... I just
had a memory, I remember when I was little my dad would bring me a box of candy
hearts on V-Day, my Dad is a good dad :) makes me feel good, I have't stepped
back in a while and seen how cool my dad is :). Maybe thats the point of V-Day
to remember the little things that could be percieved as loving or super
friendly. Yay I was in a bad mood but now I feel good, hope I feel good
tomorrow.
Remember: Tranquility through selective indifference. yess
Remember happines. Remember the outside world. Remember the sun. Remember a
time of love. Now look to the sky, its your future.
This really isnt really exciting. I just feel like typing.
Today it rained harder that it has the past 3 days. Right before I left for
school I ran back in and got it. As I drove to school I was glad I "repaired"
the wipers with paperclips. Better than that day they broke and I couldn't see.
I felt safe. I arrived at school without insident. I got out opened my umbrella
and began the walk. As I got out I felt confident my shoes wouldn't take in
water from the hole, but I was wrong. After a min or so it began, in my right
foot as always. I knew then I would spend the rest of the day with a wet foot.
The water was cold but after a while I became used to it and continued my day
as normal. Art class was unusually boring, don't get me wrong the professor
made an interesting lecture on how we should understand everything for us, that
we should only listen to the inner voice, he told us not to even listen to him
if his subject disagreed with us. The best artist is that which knows
him/herself to the core and creates based on inner problems/conflicts. Anyways,
I got bored because some cynical robot commented on everything the prof said,
unfortunatly I was within earshot. Prof Nealson would say "Art is art because
it comes from the soul and it means something to the artist". The guy would
respond with something like, "oh so I guess you know everything then" or
something, really annoying, I wanted to tell him my mind but didn't, just tryed
to ignore him, the class oozed by. Next I went to the discussion class for
Humanities. We discussed "Camp Consentration" by Diech. Unfortunally I haven't
gotten around to buying the book, but I read a summary on the internet. It was
interesting although I wasn't able to contribute anything. Basically I think
the main character damned himself to hell in so many ways. He first didn't
fight in the war and got sent to the camp. He performed a job there,
experiments on humans and didn't choose death instead. He became infected with
the makes you super smart but kills you in a month disease. He found a way to
prolong his life by transferring his mind to the prison warden. He traps
himself though, as he walks onto the surface and infects other people with the
disease as the warden he realizes he can only live as the warden and not the
man he was before. He's mentally screwed. After the exciting discussion I went
to Calc., took a test, knew everything on the test (after all this is my second
time around in Calc.). Then as I walked outside the rain poured very hard, my
foot became submerged in the standing water in my shoe, the flap hole on the
bottom lets water in but doesn't let it out. When I got to my car I started it
and took my shoe off, dumped water, wringed out my sock, it was still wet but
better than before. I drove home in the shitty weather, made it safely, wipers
held up. I then realized I had no homework, I then procedded to do the usual
stuff- TV, computer, eat.... After 6 hours im here writing this. What of the
future now....
I'm gonna do my art journal in a min. Tomorrow hopefull I'll get a chance to do
some chores after class and the relax away the weekend, and Monday-president's
day :). I will prepare for Carreer day and possible interviews on Wednesday by
getting dressier clothes and refining my resume.
Thats about it. My life sounds really simple, it is. On to the next moment
then.....