Ok so im blasted off my ass again. Its fucknig early in the morning.
Shit.
This is my last true break before the gauntlet again. Im just gonna chill for
now.
Gonna freebase, yea...
Is everything a question. Make everything an answer and the live your life like
a cannonball as it exits its final tunnel.
The path THAT EXISTS leads to the tower of true existance.
The only path there is, you just have to find it.
THrough our shit day after day. In our own heads, we become blinded. We only
see this false reality that we ourselves create. All thoughts are our own, but
untrue, just a fantasy.
What exists outside our thoughts?? Breath in and out, count to 21 with each
exhale, this is true reality. Push all thoughts aside, you will find it. If a
thought appears start from one again. You will find it, its nature.
May whatever hell you have carry you through December.
Ahhh. Im in hangover land now.
Had a super fun time last night. Darren and Shayna were nice enough to let me
tag along with them to a pretty big party. Man, there were a lot of hot chicks
there, I said hi to a few of them, but didn't really have anything else to say
so I just stared at them a little. Spent a lot of time talking to the fish in
this badass aquarium, must have been at least 50 gallons.
I'm gonna be pretty useless today, just gonna mope around the house and maybe
clean a little.
Starting to wish I ordered those car parts, I could be working on my car today
instead.
----------------------------------------------------------------
As kind of a side note thing, I feel kind of guilty. My friends are so cool to
me, and I don't think I reciprocate that. I just kind of leach on.
Its not that I dont want to be a better friend, its that I'm not really sure
how; my parents and my life didn't really teach me these things. Kind of like
wanting to work on your car but not having the parts.
I guess I could call them more, but I don't really know what to say, plus it
makes me feel kind of stupid for some reason. Its hella easier to just sit back
and let things happen to you. The only time I really feel like talking to them
is when I'm really drunk, its strange.
I'm begining to get the impression that I'm a square box trying to fit into a
round hole. I want to turn myself into a friendly person, but essentially I am
a melencholy, self-absorbed recluse that can turn into a friendly person under
the right circumstances. I really wish it was the other way around.
I need some kind of external event to cause me to be friendly. Some kind of
theme or something. Like a hobby...yeah. I need an excuse to be friendly, I
should be like - "hey guys, wanna go fishing or ride bikes" or something. This
must be how people seem friendly.
Yea, so I suck at being friendly and it pisses me off sometimes.
"The only time I really feel like talking to [friends] is when I'm really
drunk, its strange."
Nah. Thats not really true. I always want to talk to them and people and
general. Its just that I don't seem to have anything to say unless I'm drunk.
Theres always shit I want to say in some deep layer of my subconscious and beer
sometimes lets this stuff rise to the surface.
Whoa, that was wierd, Thad just came over. Talked for a little while. I don't
see how people do that, come over, it would take me a shitload of 'energy' to
do that. How do people get this energy?
Hmm, im on shrooms now. Its fuckng wierd. Just looking at my keyboard and
nothing else.
If it makes any sense I cant seem to find me now. It seems easy to slip into
this strange thing. I wish I could put it out like
i cant seem to ..... oh no wait its time, thats whats different. Time in
itsself is so slow. I myt
This is a diary entry to me.
Jesus christ do you know how fucking crazy that is.
People tj
Jesus
no its death. these words are
fuck, im loosing my cib
jesus. me and my mind are going though shit now. being on shrooms is fucking
scary.
I AM ACTUALLY EXPERIENCING THINGS THAT ARE HAPPENING NOW. LIKE JUST MY MINDS
THOUGHTS AND THATS ALL.
You know thats fucking scary.
Above it all, its just floating. No I had something to say, wait. Cody my drug
dealer is an acutal person, its a very strange thought
1000 people that want to have their own thoughts and then 1000 more that have
blogs
And then ME all here as a single individual. Doing things (its just a drug, but
really its me(this is an emotion I feel myself as an individual, that cant be
drugs righT??????)
this is all based on the emotion that I feel of someone looking in on me, as a
person. Not as an electronic medium
shit i cant really see myself]
im just feeling emotions myself expectinmg other people to hear them for some
reason
i think theres some peopel puking now, i know the anwaswer noow right yea
holy shit these moments when im gaping for air, im about to die... that is all
shrooms are good for. they just bring you next to the second oooh shit i cc=an
feel my gheart stopping in my chest]]]
but shit that cant be right, im alive now. no im giving myself messages for
later to see who i really am
why am i haviong so many emotions, i cant seem to maintain them all, im lost
within myself for real, this is what this drug does
i can move every emotion into myself , every second, every beat on the
speakers, i want to be everyone else out there breathing this shit
but im in myself now, shit, io just almost stucj myself into the hole again.
good god my opwn mind set everthing up like that
in reality its so slow, things are happening and im stuck herem, i ccant seem
to escape it even though it seens like thshut
i can seem to keep up with anything, im just stucj in myslf is that right.
these keye the board they move from my fuckinig fingers, like lightning,
everything matters jere. wait no
I can just loose myself here, thats all there is. i can just see myself coing
out like fire. shit mi
fickl im only typing as each beat comes out of my speakers, no thats not right,
i can only maintain me as myself
shit, better save
oh shig
no i see now, just be, this shit its ju
oh i drt
o
jesus an entire symphony is going on in my head.................i think i can
nderstand parts of it, but i seem locked on parts
my mind goes off in definite directonsm only following parts\
ok weere better noe. not taling to myself. anymore. its quiet outside my room.
can i intercept thoughts,
hah ill just think this is stupid tomorrowl. yea it wont make any sense, as
humans we can see when other people see you right?
jesus
ok i need to ....................
but its just eyes staring out at nothing
So I'm sober now. Trying to clean up the mess I caused myself yesterday. Im
sure it will take a while to fully recover.
Im trying to figure out why, exactly I do this kind of thing to myself... its a
minor form of suicide I think. But why?
My life isnt so bad, I have a steady job, about to graduate college with some
plans after graduation. On the outside it seems good, like I have my shit
together. But, somehow, Im not happy. This is the reason for drinking and doing
shrooms, Im looking for happiness.
I cant remember the last time I was happy. I mean really happy. School + work
is good because it makes me forget that Im sad for a while, but forgetting a
bad thing isnt quite as good a realizing a good thing.
I really dont want accept it, but I think I need a female companion. Ive been
denying myself for a long time, tricking myself into believing that I can live
happily alone. But I really do need someone, the bad thing is that being that
close to someone scares the shit out of me. Too many emotions, hard to handle,
too distracting from work. I want to be a perfect working machine, and being
close to someone would just distract from that goal.
Even with all these thoughts about ideal life as a perfect worker there is
still this simple inner desire to be with someone. Its a conflict that I will
probably never go away, I just need to find the right balance..... Things are
just so hard now because of the hangover, its stripped away my mental defenses,
after a while Ill build them back up and things wont seem so difficult.
---------------------------------------------------------------
The monk was in turmoil. As he focused on his breath thoughts and emotions
crept into his mind. At first they seemed so hard and real, as if they could
reach out and strike him. He felt as if he were running into a solid concrete
wall, there was no way around it. He could not find his true mind here.
For many hours he wallowed in this state, trying so hard to overcome this wall.
He began to realize that this wall was nothing new, it had always been there,
but only now, at his current state of enlightenment could he see it. Over time
he began to accept the wall, instead of resisting it or trying to go around he
consumed the wall as a part of hisself.
The monk smiled slightly and picked himself off the ground. Looking outside a
window he realized it was a nice day and walked into the comforting light of
the outside world.
Sweet, things are back to happy now. Thanks to my job of course.
I got this badass gauntlet of work today, mostly cause its the first day back
for the pharmacy kids.
I walk into work, boom - from the T1 upgrade all mapped drives were jacked so
had to help a few people get them back up. Then some guy comes in with e-mail
not working. Random people are unable to print, discover its some huge problem.
Able to ping printer/print server, but winXP will not connect to printer. Video
communications room 200 link intermitantly failing, must find solution. Bam -
out of time
Haha good stuff. 6 hours, gone in the blink of an eye.
The dean wants me to lead the computer services department when they expand to
a four year university this summer. I would get a nice raise and get to command
some little part time dude, haha. I really want to move onto programing and a
few months on a farm in Japan, but I got the perfect plan:
I will agree to stay on long enough to move the network to the new building
which should take a few weeks, and then stay on long enough for them to find a
replacement for me, and then for me to bring the replacement up to speed. All
in all I would be staying on another month or two. With a nice raise, some
perks and the ability to easily ship out.
Ah, all this and school is coming up next week which will even further
intensify my life. On Mondays and Wednesdays I leave the house at 7am and get
back at 10pm = 15 hour days, it will be an intresting challenge.
Ohhh life is goood
Yea, so trying to fill the space between work and work again.
AOL is kinda wierd. Its just strange, talking to random people by words, kinda
creepy. Back when I was playing Everquest text communication didn't seem so
wierd, but after being 'in' reality for so long it seems wierd.
Watched Fight Club today. Wierd show. Does a good job at personifying
consciousness and subconsciousness. A line that sticks with me. "I am the part
of you that takes you kicking and screaming somewhere and then you thank me for
it". The only thing that lets me do things is this subconscious motivation. You
can't just keep thinking and thinking and hope action will eventually come of
it, no, you must suppress your thoughts to create action.
So school starts back up Monday, Im ready.
When I went grocery shopping today I was about to buy some crappy beer
(budweiser), but then decided to go to the beer store for some excellent beer
(asahi). This weekend I'm going to celebrate surviving the break without
totally loosing it (although I did come close many times). Yeah, fell off the
cliff a few times, but was still able to pull myself back up to where I am now.
Saw a Seinfeld rerun a few days ago. George kept telling us about his theory of
worlds. Like there is a friend world and a girlfriend world. He had distinct
ways of carrying himself in each world to the point of considering himself on
the different worlds as a different person all together. If for some reason his
girlfriend were to meet his friends the worlds would collide causing him to
fail as a person somehow.
Anyway, I have my home world and my work world. At work im such a badass,
solving problems left and right, small talk with the staff, faculty and
students to make things go well, making phone calls to get stuff done,
motivated, making changes for the better, happy, master of everything there.
Makes me feel godlike. Then at home I fail miserably as a person, can't
maintain friendships, lazy, self-absorbed, sloth-like, afraid of the outside
world, master of the house as a physical entity, but not master of self. I wish
I could combine the work world and the home world, but it seems impossible
without creating the exact situations of work inside my house. I want the
emotional feeling of success I get from work to be with me at home, but I have
no idea how to get this.
Yup, haha, I could simulate work with cardboard cutouts. I could label them.
"Yea see that square box over there with the word 'server' on it in black magic
marker, thats the server room, its my job to keep it running." "See that
carboard cut-out that is in the shape of a human, thats the dean, he keeps me
in line" and then I could just make a bunch of little scenarios and take on the
parts of all parties involved. And that would give me the feeling of success I
get from work right? Heh
How many times have you gotten shit faced drunk, stayed up till 4am and wake up
at 9am and feel fine. No hangover, in fact you feel better than you did before
you started drinking last night.
Well thats how I feel now.
Its cause of that Asahi beer, I think they ferment it with rice or something so
no hangover.
Hell, Im just going to enjoy myself today.
So yesterday I was walking out to the train station after work as usual.
Suddenly I hear "Benjamin" in a singy female voice. I looked over and figured
it was just one of the students but as I got closer I realized it was Emily.
What the fuck??
We met each other in 2nd grade and went our separate ways after high school.
Somehow we both ended up in the same exact dorm building at Texas Tech and
happened to run into each other, so we just hung out occasionally, but never
really got together much. Then when I left Tech after one year she stayed to
finish her degree in Molecular Biology. And then yesterday in Oak Cliff right
after my shift she happened to be there after doing some medical test at the
hospital for the Peace Corps. Apparently, after graduating she moved back to
Allen, only a few blocks from my house so we rode the same train together and
talked.
She's a really cool person, and pretty hot too, she's half chinese and half
french I believe. But she has a fiance so forget about that hehe. But she is my
ideal woman: very intelligent, attractive and a little crazy at times. We mesh
together well, I don't feel uncomfortable around her at all, as if she were an
extention of myself.
Anyway, I was going to ask for her number or give her mine, because she made me
feel all warm inside and stuff, and she seemed somewhat intrested. But I
figured it was better not to pursue it cause I don't have time for anything
like that. Besides, I figure in a few years our paths will randomly cross
again.
----------------------------------------------------------------
The thing that keeps getting me is the extremely low probability of two people
meeting like this, lets work the numbers.
1) Happened to meet in elementary school
(30/1000) (number of people met / number of people in school)
2) Went separate ways
3) Few months later go to same college and dorm building
(1/(5000*5)) (college selected / total num of college choices in US times
number of dorms on campus) 4) Happened to run into and recognize each other
(1/600) (1/number of people in dorm)
5) Went separate ways
6) To get to class on time I am forced to move my schedule back 15min causing
me to get on a different train for work, she happens to take the same train
this exact day due to medical tests for peace corps (1/666666666) (hell if I
know the probability, impossible???)
And theres probably countless subevents that had to occur for these major
events themselves to occur and the probability of each of these is multiplied
together to get a number which is most likly approaching one over infinity damn
quick.
God, that just blows my mind. Meeting someone twice through two totally random
and independent event sequences. I bet its the same in the same order as
winning the lottery a few times.
Its like two small pieces of hay touching each other in a large hay stack, the
hay stack gets broken up and churned around a lot and the pieces happen to
touch again, then the stack is broken and churned again, and yet again they
happen to end up touching.
But I suppose if it can be done it will be done, as long as there is a
possibility of it happening it will happen somewhere, for no reason it just
happened here.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Yea, man, just meeting someone like that, it jacked me up. All the emotions and
stuff, it was hard to focus on my work at school, time went so slow.......
----------------------------------------------------------------
Yea so anyway, not much goin on in life in general, no cavities at dentist
today (woot), ate good lunch with parents, plans to remove pool and put a
little hot tub/zen rock garden thing in the hole, plans to redo front sidewalk,
plans to redo rear fence with wood and other minor household repairs.
---------------------------------------------------------------- 2 kegger goin
on tomorrow. OH yea better develop a battle plan:
Potential problems (things I need to work on) 1) Lots of cars 2) Keg location
3) Methods of operation
1) OK, got a lot of cars, parking space limited, ill pull my car up and see if
we can squeeze a few more cars in the driveway, everyone else can park on other
streets, need to keep a lookout to make sure they aren't blocking driveways.
2) Need to move keg to a good place, im thinking garage, people tend to group
around the keg and spill beer everywhere, garage rules.
3) Generally, need to keep a watch to make sure people arent fucking up
anything. Yea I can do that.
Im thinkin it will be good to hit the beer early and get wasted so I wont care
so much when stuff gets fucked up, gonna have a good time.
================================================================
Story time:
The monk awoke in darkness. A slight rustling outside, the sound of rain-drops
off of the forest plants. The monk was able to focus his entire being on this
sound and escape his immediate fear of darkness. Soon he became the darkness,
there was no 'him' for a while.
When the monk came into himself again his house was encased in a dull grey
color. For a moment he lost control of his mind, things flashed in his head,
emotions, desires. Like a dark thick wind, he felt burdened. With his mind like
this he could not enjoy the immediacy of his presense. His sight drifted, out
of focus, he became this burden he felt. He couldn't let go, he gripped his
mind like one would grip a heavy hammer, he instinctivly attempted to think his
way out of this turmoil, but it just bred more burdensome thoughts. He felt
trapped, breath heavy and hard.
Several days he spent like this, lost in the hell of himself. Suddenly,
something caught his attention, a spot of morning sunlight on the floor. He
realized the rain had let up. He thought to himself in the midst of his mental
chaos, "ah, so the sun has risen again". With this he focused on his belly, his
breath became apparent again. In deep, then out, mind clear, one thought, '1'.
Deep in, '1' out, no other thought. Deep in, '1'. The sound of his breath. Soon
not even '1' was there, his mind became light and airy again. Just the is-ness
of breath. He became the sunlight, and soon after he became nothing again.
Man, Im hyper today. This week totally kicked my ass.
Miles traveled: 120 by car
240 by train
Hours of sleep: 6 per night (not too shabby)
Hours spent not commuting, sleeping or at school or work: 8 for entire week
Hobo encounters: 3
Veteran of war encounters: 1
Hours spent standing out in the cold waiting for train: 2
Hours spent staring out the train window: 8
Problems solved at work: 10+
Ah better idea, gonna break down all the hours into percentages:
Monday - Friday total hours: 120
Sleep: 40
School: 12.75
Work: 19
Commute: 10
Free time: 38.25
so roughly, 33% sleeping 10% school 15% work 8% commuting 31% free time
Yea so those are the stats, they dont really mean much in comparison to the
memories of doing them, but their still kinda cool to look at to see what makes
up my life. A nice triad of sleep, free time, and work related stuff.
Wow, fun with numbers.
I had a bunch of other stuff to get off my chest but the number thing did it
for me.
Genes exist to pass down our hopes and dreams for the future to our children
Living is a link to what will come
All live is tethered to the future
Loving each other, teaching each generation
I finally realized it, the true meaning of life
Well, kinda bored. Just finished another nice work week. This schedule is
starting to take its toll. Starting to feel reeeel tired and really out of it a
lot of the time. I try to put on an act for work and school, as if I was a
normal talkative human because I want things to go smoothly there and then at
home I can just zone out all the time and become myself again. But my little
act is starting to fall apart.
At work I'm pretty much a hermit unless anyone asks anything of me, just in my
office all the time, school sucking energy away too much, too hard to carry on
small talk. You know that feeling when your talking to someone and theres a
long silence and you start to feel the urge to talk, well its starting to get
really bad. Im like,