I cant stop laughing.
I feel really emotional now.
Perhaps its the beer.
Im not sure.
Music too, that causes emotions too right?
whoa i just had a thought and i wanted so much to type it out, but the second i
wanted to, as my fingers were about to touch the keys, the thought vanished,
and now im lost here typing this instead.
Tommy's dog died today. I feel bad, when he came over i am drunk. Perhaps he
was looking for sympathy, i could not offer it, I was too lost in myself as I
am now.
I want to capture something, im not sure what, just a vague feeling. I want to
capture it here so it will remain forever in the annals of time.
Its time to walk in a classroom where the teachers arent speaking a language
you understand and learn some shit bastart.
Well, I feel good/bad. My mind is happy, yet I know its waiting for me,
lurking. Now its hidden, but the second I stand up it will attack me. It feels
like I broke my heel or something.
Today, I got up and tried to walk like normal, the second my heel hit the
ground intense lightning of pain shot through my soul. It was unbearable, I
almost collapsed. I only weigh 120pounds but its enough pressure to make it
hurt very badly. Lucky me, my body sent me some pain numbing chemicals to my
brain, putting me in some wierd altered state of existence.
I learned to walk on the front of my feet and it makes the pain go away. Hehe I
am a cripple now, thats how I felt as people stared at me as I limped down the
hallway. Hopefully the pain will go away some day, but i think i can manage for
now.
Well, that, college and computer are about the only things happening now. I
think the pain will humble me and turn me into a better person eventually, I
wont try to kill it with doctor's visits or drugs, I will eat it.
Wow, so its spring break. I feel like im on the top of a mountain looking down.
It feels like ive been rewarded up here. I know the climb down will stil be a
challenge, but im up here now, I have no worries.
Life it seems will fade away
Drifting farther everyday
Getting lost within my self
Nothing matters no one else
Hehe some Metallica ripoff, its sort of how I feel now though. Even though im
on this peak I miss the climb that was before now. But i know now is not the
time for action, I must rest now. I guess im not sure exactly how to rest
properly, I enjoy being in constant motion. I could just stare off blankly into
the horizon, or i could take some action to amuse myself during this period. In
fact I already have some action, but there will still be periods of staring,
should I find something to fill these periods?
I see no change
Wake up in the morning
and I ask myself
Should I blast myself
Is life worth living?
I cant say thats how i feel.
I gotta operate in an easy way
I made a G today
Yea but i made it in a sleazy way
Not that either
Gotta make a change, change the way I eat, the way I eat, the way I treat other
people.
Insead of a war on poverty were having a war in the middle east.
I dont knwo, im drunk again, this is gonna be my spring break, a life of
drunkenness and forgetfulness, its ok.
Ok heres my plan for this week. Here are the things I need to do in order to
feel prepared when spring break is over. Im writing this so I have something to
look at, otherwise ill just wake up every morning and attach myself to
videogames, eat and eventually go to sleep, this is not how I want to spend
every day of spring break, its ok if i do it one day, but no more than that,
every day I need to complete at least one of these tasks:
- Spend a night at the land (alone or with friends; alone or with beer, it
doesnt matter, just spend the night)
- Wash car, change oil, lube up all things that have a grease fitting
- Prepare for Algorithms and Data Structures Exam 2
- Make foundation to prepare for Physics 2 Exam (the one that makes or breaks
this class)
- Wake up sleeping art/creativity then put it safely back to sleep before
classes start again.
- Go to a store and buy various things(optional): new anime, electric razor,
new chair, VCR, new speakers/reciever
- Run printer cable to room computer
- Clean up back yard(leaves, drain and refill pool), maintain plants, till soil
where dead plants are, clean up front yard.
- Figure out TV stand situation
- Clean house
- Get nice and loaded all this weekend, no drinking on weekdays
Well, that sounds pretty optimistic, hopefully I can get to at least a few of
these things, I need to not be lazy and get off my ass.
---------------------------------------------------------------- The snow had
thawed out at the monks remote forest home. All the time he had spent
meditating that winter had left him with a large number of chores to complete.
The tatami mats must be washed and set outside to dry; he must gather firewood
for cooking as his supply was nearly wasted over the winter; his rock garden
must be rearranged; the tea house must be repaired as snow caused the roof to
cave in; journey into town and treat himself to the rare luxury of sake;
journey to the coast and get some fish as the rice he had eaten all winter
began to get stale. So many things to do, yet, the monk's mind was still frozen
by the winter and could not shift into this new kind of living.
For so many months he had simply awoken, prepared rice to last all day and done
some small task. Repair his worn sandals, simply stared out the vacent window
into the cold snow or arranged himself into the lotus position and meditated
into nothing until he fell asleep.
But now, he was faced with such great tasks. Upon awakening he would become
faced with his tasks, he would perhaps start them, but in the end he would just
sink into his old habits. He would stare out the window and watch birds, cook
the stale rice into an edible meal, take a walk in the forest, or sink into a
deep state of meditation; would his tasks not be completed?
These thoughts wore on the mind of the monk for many weeks. He was tormented
with all these tasks he must complete, he knew he had to complete them at some
point but his laziness kept him in check as if held down by a set of heavy iron
chains. Dark circles formed under the monks eyes as time passed, he began to
eat poorly as his rice supply became dangerously low and the firewood became
hardly enough to cook it. Full of hunger the monks mind sank into a deep
torrent of pain. Convinced these days would be his last he drew a piece of
parchment out, wetted his thick brush with ink and wrote:
An indifferent crescent moon against a black lake
A reflection that never fades
Wind through the grass on a summer day
The monk's mind became nothing as he faded away.
The monk suddenly became aware again, the morning sun bounced off a portion of
wooden floor right into his eyes. The monk stretched out, unaware of the
torment he had faced many days before. The monk was happy to be awake on such a
warm beautiful morning. He could see the buds of cherry blossums on the trees
almost ready to show their beauty to the world. As he tied his best walking
sandals to his feet a warm smile crept across his face, a spirit of dedication
glimmered in his otherwise vacant eyes, the monk started off towards the town.
There would be nothing that would stop him from his way that beautiful day.
Ive had some time this past week to further my studies in Japanese, I learn
some new things every day. Today I have come to some new insights into reality
due to this study.
(this is gonna come off like an essay im thinking, I need to make my brain
tired so I can go to sleep at a descent hour)
Learning written Japanese has made me see things in new and intresting ways.
Ack.... ive been sitting here for a few minuites now and my brain is all
jumbled, im trying to convey something but the feelings I have wont turn
themselves into anything coherent.
Let me try again:
Ok I figured it out, I think.
I think I found a strange paradox. We use language to convey things to other
people, im lost...... Im trying to convey something about language using
language, im not very good at it obviously hehe. I have come to some new
understandings about reality, but I cant form them into words, its more of a
general awareness I never had before.
I could describe the things I was doing when I came to these awarenesses and
hope that people reading will come to these same awarenesses. But im not sure
if that will work, I think the awareness I came to was not just a result of a
few isolated activities, I think it was the result of the kind of person I am,
the life and experiences I had up to that point. It would seem useless to
describe the things I was doing then because they would effect everyone reading
in a unique way depending of their life and indeed looking back at it in the
future it would look different in my eyes as at that point I would be changed
to a degree.
I could write creativly fueled by this new awareness, perhaps that is what I
should do, but not yet, I dont feel as if I have explored this enough in a dry
fashion.
The Japanese language has shown me a new way of conveying thoughts and
emotions. It is another way of perceiving reality on top of my traditional
English way. Different ways of living, different social rules, different
climate/air, everything so different. It seems so intresting to me, Its like a
giant puzzle and so far I only have a few pieces. Just from translating a
sentence my mind opens up and a new way of thinking comes in its like being
reborn or something. It feels like im floating, like some strange drug or
something, like I could die.
I dont feel creative anymore, Ive used all the "fuel" this experience gave me
on a more solid explanation. Even now I can feel as the extacy of discovery
fades away. It will soon just become mundane, an unseen component of my
understanding of reality.
Looking back, I think my main realization is that people see reality in
different ways. "Free" to me might mean "self reasoning" to someone else. What
are they really, words like these, they have no physical meaning. The word Free
"feels" a certain way to each of us as individuals. So in a sense everyone has
their own language and they must interpret things through a spoken language to
this personal language before it makes sense.
When we learn a different language at first it is very strange. We find
ourselves translating the new language into our spoken language and from our
spoken language we translate it to our personal language. Over time we find the
new language skips the pass through our spoken language and instead goes
straight to our personal language.
I think this is what happened to me today, some symbols instantly made sense in
my personal language. I suppose this is where this strange new feeling comes
from, it is very strange, Japanese symbols that at one time only stood for
English ones now have their own meaning independant of the English language,
they have made themselves a part of me the same way the English language is a
part of me. I suppose I came to this realization at another time, when I first
learned English, when the words made sense.
Holy crap, thats what this feeling is. Its the feeling when I arranged the
magnetic letters on the refrigerator into the word tree and something in my
mind clicked and when I saw a tree, the letters tree would somehow arise. Its
so hard to describe, but it feels so good. This emotion triggered that memory,
the emotion is familiar, that is why it feels so good, it has been forgotten
for so long. This is the "way" of learning a new language.
How does one make a decision properly. Im faced with a decision to make, but I
cant decide. Part of me wants to follow my instinct, the other wants to follow
my emotions, and the last part wants to do the most logical thing.
This is not a clear cut decision. If I go one way instead of another there are
no grave consequences, but just a small temporary pain. How do you make a
decision if either way has certain rewards and benefits. I suppose I must
search myself to find what I value more, my career or my friends. That is
ultimatly what it boils down to.
Friends are such temporary things, but my career will be around until I die
hopefully. I want to do the thing that will result in my career growth, but I
will feel bad about ditching my friends. I want to go with my friends, but I
dont want to ditch my career.
Should I just forget consequences, trust my instincts and go on my first
impulse?
Well, its obviosly too late to go back to instincts, you've already thought
about it too much.
I still cant decide. Either way I will face some reward and some consequence, I
value my career more. So the choice has been made I suppose. But this will only
effect a small part of my career while the greater whole continues to move, I
could go with my friends and my career wouldnt be damaged so much.
If I go with them however, my natural energy will be thrown off. I wont have
much time to prepare, my mind is set on the tasks at hand and not friends. If
they come into the picture my mind will be thrown into happiness and I will
lose my edge. I will need at least a day to get it back, but if I go with them,
I wont have that necessary time. I want to remain focused on the tasks so I
will have great performance when I am tested, my friends will just disrupt my
focus and I will ultimatly be dissapointed in myself when the test comes.
But theres still a part of me that thinks its ok to do that, a very small part
that just wont let go. This is what is keeping me from making the proper
logical decision. I suppose it is my humainity or something. It seems the only
way for this to work is to squash my humainity like a little bug and bury it
deep somewhere, but I dont want to do that, it will cause unbearable pain
later, I know. So now all I can do is keep my humanity and endure the pain it
causes because I know what I want to do.
But when the decision time comes will I be able to endure the pain of ignoring
my humanity and follow through with this plan, or will I be too tempted by my
humanity and make an illogical decision that will have physical consequences?
...
Not an angry ... Not a happy ... Not a sad ... Not a pause ... Not an anything
...
Just ...
...
I dont know what this means. It could mean so many things.
What color is your wall?
If you say your color, i will punch you 500 times, if you dont say your color I
will punch you 500 times.
What is the correct answer, tell me?
Your mind what does it say?
Your faced with a bad result either way, perhaps wishing you never got into
this situation, you can fumble it in your mind all day.
"I dont know", this is the answer, its your mind, it feels a certain way, its
not just language, its a feeling, its pure emptiness, hold on to this "I dont
know" mind. Now do something with the "I dont know" mind. I hit a desk, I hit a
desk, experience "I hit a desk".
...
Im in a very introspective mood tonight. Ive been like a robot for the past few
weeks, just moving through time, carrying out the tasks set before me to the
best of my abilities with little thought to anything else.
But, something happened, I was forced to consider my future today. I've walked
such a definite path for so many months without worry, but change is in the
wind. Its not so much a global change to the way I live but a big change inside
the microcosm of college. Its not really that complicated either, ive already
made a deterministic automata map for it. Wait till tuesday to get grades, if
failure, meet with dean of undergrad studies and convince him to give me a
signature to drop the class, then take the class over the summer, if pass,
continue with the course as usual.
Things have been so concrete in my head, the path im walking, but when there is
even the smallest change in this plan chaos takes over my mind, as a result, I
have had many thoughts this past week, and now they are all cumulating in a
series of very sharp mental events. Catalyst leads to so many things.
I thought about college and where its taking me, I keep having day dreams of
working as a cashier at 7-11, or creating AI systems for specific video game
scenarios in C++ in my head. Such two distinct possible futures.
In the 7-11 one, I find myself in a state directly connected to reality, I can
literally see in my mind the interactions with customers. I can feel myself
mopping the floors. I can see the light red sun through the windows as it
shines on the floor. I can feel all the knowledge learned in college as it
drains from my mind, unessesary bagage on this flight. All I know is movement,
speech and fundamental knowledge. I am a person of the world and nothing else.
The programming one. I cant feel anything, its just a puzzle. Problems are
placed before me and I use my mind to solve them, I learn something every day.
I forget what its like to interact with people and objects, life becomes a
puzzle, no sunlight, dark, body numb from the focus on the problems, yet my
mind is in extacy constantly retrieving knowledge for use, moving, thinking,
starting fires in my mind.
Those are the only two futures I can envision. But this little bubble of
thought is so independent from everything else. A human will do much more in
his or her lifetime. At a single moment an individuals mind is in a certain
frame. This is only one of those frames, the work frame. This week, so many
other frames have come into my mind within the frame of where i am now,
college.
Beer:
Hey look at it, it looks so strange, a dull brown color for most. Lets, taste
it....., strange taste, bitter, lets drink more.
Ah, whats this im feeling, it feels as if the me before I drank has dissapeared
and been replaced by another me, a strange floating/numb sensation, can I still
think? yes, i can, but I dont want to anymore. I feel content with my life as
it is now, I still know there are problems with it, but they dont seem to
matter anymore.
Yes, thats right kids, only $1.45 per use!
Comes in convenient 40oz size, specially made for you!
7 hours of extacy awaits!
Do you have $1.45?
Do you have 1 hour?
Do you have a beer store?
Do you want to make the reality you know now fade away?
Then go get some beer dammit!
Whats that? Reality getting you down, had a bad week and want to forget, or had
a good week and want to celebrate(forget)?
Want everything to get 10x more interesing?
Beer is your only hope!
Want to spend the next 8 hours of your life in hell?
Want go get to know your toilet like you never had before?
Want to watch your friends drag your lifeless body from outside your house to
your warm comfy bed?
Want to get a pen and write on your arms till you pass out in the hallway?
Want to say things to people that you never would say otherwise?
Want to put on some crochless panties and masterbate in your backyard till you
blow your load on some flowers?
Want to watch your internal organs get fucked up and try to fix themselves but
they cant because you cant stop drinking?
Then go to your store and get your favorite beer, every night.
Want to live like you want to?
Then get beer on the weekends.
Im not sure if beer is good or bad in an objective sense.
Is that all I have?
Yup those are all my deepest thoughts that went through my mind this week. But,
still there are others, lesser ones.
Lesser thoughts:
so many, they seem so trival, i cant explore them, but I will put them here in
the annals of time.
When im driving down the road and i see a stopsign; do people in other
countries view me driving down my road with the same novelity as I view myself
driving down their roads. (e.g. England, ive seen pictures on TV, is that the
same road as mine?)
A rock pressing its weight due to gravity onto the surface we call earth.
A thump is heard near the ceiling.
This is my triggering town, I miss my diary. (a sidenote) Grass Air/sky/clouds,
all into one.
If language was reversed, would you understand it?
An oppertunity:
If you ever find yourself not knowing something hold onto it. Not the words,
not the something itsself; hold onto the feeling it brings you, this is true
peace.
When we were born we didn't know our name. If someone asked you what your name
was the second after you were born what would you say?
.......
Abstract words to describe such a simple and basic mental event, life.
Im having a rare and strange day. You ever have a day where you don't really do
anything and feel like nothing matters? Thats just about how I feel.
Feels like now is some sort of transitional period, only the things I've done
before today and the things I will do tomorrow really matter.
Like a break in a long storm, or a storm after an eternity of sunshine. Very
strange.
I've been thinking more, my entire educational career is starting to come
together. All those seconds, hours, days, years. Its all coming to a head, and
its not like in the past where I have a vague idea that this will all end
someday, it seems more real now, I can almost taste its end.
I remember back in high school, I thought of myself as stupid, I never thought
I would make it this far. I was ready to graduate and work some crappy job the
rest of my life, anything. But now, the horizon has opened up, Im not exactly
sure where I will go next, but I can rest knowing my future is open to
unlimited possibilities.
I look back at my past happy I didnt tie myself down with a girlfriend or wife
or kid, screw my life up with drugs, drop out when things started getting
tough, let my self loathing get the better of me and end my life. I just seem
to keep going. I cant say I'm exactly happy with my life now, I can certainly
imagine a more desirable way of life, but I can accept the things I encounter
and eventually pass through them.
I realize I am a solitary person by nature and will most likly go solo through
the rest of my life. I suppose this transition period is just for me to see
myself as I am and learn to accept it.
----------------------------------------------------------------
The monk awoke with a start. His previously vacant eyes now filled with life. A
passive crow rang out into the dense forest air. It was early morning, a fine
mist still hung over the trees.
The monk walked outside and took a deep breath of the rich air, full of life.
His eyes became thin, as if he was squinting at something, but he wasn't really
looking at anything, he was deep in thought.
What would he do today? There were no tasks of necessity to be completed. All
the cooking wood was safely stored away, an uneaten rice ball lay on the floor,
his house was in perfect condition. There was nothing to be done.
The monk continued squinting and thinking. Suddenly, his eyelids became loose
again and returned to their natural position. The monk slowly walked back
inside.
By the time the monk re-emerged from his small house the fine mist had returned
to the earth leaving the bright summer sun in its wake. The monk walked out
onto the faint forest path, the monk felt comforted as he grasped the rice ball
and flask of water he had hidden in his clothing, enough food for one day.
Turning slowly, he faced his home. He stared for a long while in a loose, empty
gaze. A crow landed beside him and began to soothing cawing noises. The monk
faced the forest road once again with an expression of unease and began to
walk. The monk's eyes became as thin as blades of grass.