Ah, there we go.
I feel all settled in now. Its time to begin operation "Sit on your ass for the
next 3 months". Yea, thats my plan basically, aside from the Japan/Las Vegas
thing and other random events.
I'm trying to get my passport, but it turns out that it will take 6 weeks
minimum unless I have tickets for an airplane to Japan. So I went ahead and
sent out a few e-mails to potential hosts. No responses yet, but I'm remaining
cautiously optimistic. If this work in Japan thing doesn't go through I figure
I'll just go sightseeing or something.
Went up to see the parents on Sunday. Got to cut down a few dead trees and chop
em' up. Nothing makes you feel more like a man than a loud gas chainsaw
throwing sawdust 10 feet in the air. Yea, good stuff.
Man, this is wierd. All this free time still. But something has changed. I have
regained a part of my humanity that was lost somewhere through all those years
of school and work. I feel alive.
I can indulge myself at any moment without concern for its effects. I don't
have to restrain my freedom anymore in order to focus on any particular goal. I
can just be free.
Its ironic how 'living' in the world, at work, at school, around people I lost
myself. But here alone, in my home, fixing my own meals and getting drunk I
feel so much more alive.
Here I don't need to focus on the future. I can just live in the moment without
any other concerns. It is an ideal state of existence. Utterly stress free, no
outside pressure. I've learned to live without focusing on producing things, or
doing things. I can just exist and that is enough.
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I was looking in the mirror. Imagining what my face will look like when I get
old, all wrinkley, devoid of youth. It made me happy. I want to be an old man.
I don't feel like I belong in this youthful body.
Regardless of my feelings I will live through this body until it turns to dust.
I will see my youth slowly drain away. I will become less and less able to
control my movements. My mental powers will diminish as well I'm sure.
All these negative sounding things make me happy. I am glad that I am mortal
and that things are in a constant state of change. Thats just how I feel.
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In my meditation I have devised a way to push through negative emotions. I
imagine it as a massive rockey sword splashing down through the middle of the
deepest sea. All that force, so pure in itsself.
For a few moments I may be swept up in fear, anger or restlessness. But then
with my mind I can break through this. This power has a lot to do with a deep
exhalation of breath coupled with the depression of my stomach. It gives me
inner strength. I find it very useful. However, this technique is often hard to
use. Its like trying to find a wall in the dark. Clumsey, unrefined. But I am
sure that I will perfect this technique in the future.
Yea, so I graduated college yesterday. It didn't really feel all that special.
I went to get a pen out of my backpack and I realized that the backpack will
not be used for education in a few years if ever. Then I understood the idea of
graduating college, it feels kinda good.
I'm gonna start a photo-blog to track my adventures in Japan in a few months.
It should be cool.
Its so much easier to convey information with pictures than words because of
the visual nature of human beings.
Well, my trip to Japan is all set up now so naturally I started researching the
area that I will be staying at. The island of Kyushu, it turns out is known as
a spider paradise. Big hairy spiders the size of your hand are pretty common. I
scream when I see a picture of one. In real life, my blood runs cold and I lose
control of my body.
In Japan I'm gonna be hiking and cleaning out banboo thickets, im sure I will
run across one of these monsters. I need to get over my fear of them. In order
to do this I will make spiders my new hobby, hell I might even get a pet
spider. I know it will scare the shit out of me for a while, but after that I
will be able to hang with huge, hairy spiders.
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In other news, I got my wierd photo-diary-blog thingie up. Its at:
https://standingzen.tripod.com/standingzen.htm
Just wanted to make it official, all new stuff will be on my website. I really
enjoyed using mydeardiary, it works great. But on my website I have a lot more
creative power.
https://standingzen.tripod.com/standingzen.htm