Wow, I haven't used this thing in a while. I'm kind of bored, what an
intresting way to pass time, to think of something to write.
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For the past two days the AC has been broken. Its like sleeping outside, except
your inside and there is no breeze besides the fans. But now its all good, got
it fixed today.
Hehe, other than that not much is going on. I should have gone to the bank
today to transfer some funds and get some cash so I can get beer later, but
instead I'm just gonna dig up 8 quarters and buy a 40.
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I haven't masterbated in a week. Its kind of strange. I have more energy now
and more mental capacity. Its kind of entertaining. But I know if anything
"gets me going" I won't be able to stop myself. Like a fuse, right now its not
lit, I can only imagine the invisible matches flying around the fuse. If one
were to ignite the fuse there would be nothing to stop it.
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I've had the unexplainable urge to put my hand down the drain and turn the
garbage chopper on. I want to because I don't seem to care about the results, I
just want to prove how resolute I am. I want to do this for myself, its a
strange feeling. But there is something stopping me thankfully. I am not really
sure if I spontaneously want to do this and mental deliberation stops me or if
mental deliberation makes me want to do it and just instinct stops me. I really
don't want to do it though.
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Music sounds good in its most refined stages. After weeks or months have been
spent taking an idea or a concept and cleaning it up good. Raw music can sound
bad. Its just a random idea, dirty, lots of unnecessary things. Raw. Right now
my brother is messing around with the guitar and it sounds shitty.
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Life is strange. As individuals we never know who we are to other people. We
know our own thoughts and emotions, thats about it. A vague sense of being
alive, like floating. Like seeing the reflection of the moon in a pond on a
black night. You see it so clearly in the pond, it seems so close, a small
glowing ball at your feet. But then you reach for it and your hand freezes as
it pierces the water. The moon dissapears in the ripples. You can see it so
clearly, but you can never touch it or hold it.
Some people take a cupful of water out of the lake and carry it around with
them, pretending they can carry what they are. Others strip off their clothes
and dive into the lake with the reflection, they immerse themselves in the
truth. Others are satisified to walk away and not even think about it.
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Skin in bag, very good. Approved dry, clear. Festival center conductor. Two
council colors.
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I feel like I am digging into something. Sometimes its light and airy,
sometimes its too heavy to carry. When I become unaware of myself digging am I
still digging or have I truly stopped?
Wow, this last week has been a blur. Im working later until school starts. Went
through about 20 laptops Friday innoculating them against that new virus and
gave a 5min presentation to the students about the network. And I still have
more stuff to finish up Monday. Flew to and from Amarillo on Wednesday to learn
about stuff and help them innoculate 1200 computers. "Saved" computers Monday
and Tuesday as the virus spread around in Dallas. But thats not so important.
Im talking about interation with people. Thats important. I think this job has
helped my people skills, I feel more at ease now around people. I know how to
interact with them now on some level. Its kinda cool.
Ok enough of the bullshit.
Many of my friends wont be here next weekend. Its scary. I will be here alone
again.
Goddamit, everytime i get drunk I get all emotional. I hate emotions! Fuck
emotions, go to hell! I have enough going on in the world, I dont neeed
emotions! They just get in the way of action! They disrupt thought!
I cannot find pure action in this hell. Why do I feel sad when a girl leaves,
why do I feel attached to her? I never really knew her before, but tonight I
saw a part of her soul and I became addicted to it. Why?.... It just gets in
the way. Go away emotions! Go home you little fuckers!!
Wow, so life has changed again. From one way of living to another. I go out
into something and then move to something else and then back to the something.
When you look at it from above, life is an endless cycle. It seems so generic,
like unchanging roads. But when you actually live life it is not a cycle at
all. It is a constantly changing thing.
Without reflection everything is new. Only when you sit down and think back
does it seem like its already been done before.
Live life now, no need to focus on anything else.
I am traveling down a road. Around me is fire. I am alone. Fear grips my soul,
but at the same time I push forward.
It is calm now, I am eating. My soul eats.
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Fear, but a steady calm at the same time. Like a waterfall.
My gun blazes into the night. Alone.
A shot into the sky, a bright flare to light my way.
My gun has aim now, I am in control.
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Seconds move inside me.
Time grows still.
Breath, In and out.
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Marching down the hall
Vibrant red around in my head
Things move around me
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Deep in the water
No fire to breathe life
I die
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Is it right just because I wrote it?
Wow I feel pretty dang good now. My schedule is so cramped its crazy. Strangly
it feels good to be doing so much all the time, I don't really feel burnt out
at all.
On the weekdays I leave for work at 8am get home at 9pm and then sleep at 10pm.
So I get a whole hour of free time each day. And this weekend I spend a large
portion of the time trying to learn Java and program some simple graphics
applets for my graphics class.
When I had lots of free time I thought about how terrible it must be to work
all the time, but actually it feels pretty good. It seems I am a workaholic
now.