Wow, so im at work in my office typing this. Its kinda wierd. Feels like people
could come in my office any second and read this. Neato. Kinda like gambling.
The scary part is that I'm actually getting excited from it. My thrill for the
day.
Yea, guess thats all I got. Not much else going on. Back to work mode.
Man, I had this fucked up dream last night. First, I made this bad ass
painting, but some girl I knew from way back stole it and put it in her house.
So I went into commando mode and tried to steal it back, but for some reason I
couldn't get in the house. I was just stuck outside some huge glass door
staring at it, wanting it, but there was nothing I could do to get it. Then a
bunch of pirates came out and stabbed me to death.
It made me think about my creative side, I dont really allow it to go free, all
my engineering education has kinda taken it over. After all art doesn't really
do anything, while engineering does everything. The only thing art does is make
me 'feel' good. It gives me an outlet for emotions and crap. Its kinda like
taking a crap after a huge mexican dinner.
This site allows me a little creative freedom, but I need more, I need my art
journal, I miss that thing. I could just go off on it with colored pencils and
crayons anytime I felt the urge. But my fucking art teacher lost it. All those
memories, man. I need to get a new one. Or find some other medium.
I was thinking about video, like I could get a digital video camera and do some
stuff, then shoot it onto the PC for some editing action. That would be cool,
but it seems like too much. I don't really have time for something like that.
Making a book might be better. I could just do so much a day depending on how
much time I have, and it would always be there for me. Yea I think I'll do
that, and pick up a new art journal from wal-mart.
Well, heres the first three chapters of my book. Man, the words just starting
pouring out. I don't really like the way this story makes me feel after I read
it. Maybe, future chapters will be different.
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Prelude to death
I had that fucker in my sights. He was right in the middle of the ‘V’, all I
had to do was pull the trigger. But I hesitated, and then, my life changed
forever.
Death I
It was near the end of a collection of battles known as the Viet Nam war, but I
didn’t know it. All I knew was that I was in a fucking hot jungle and I just
wanted to be back home. For the past few days we had been trudging through this
damn jungle. I was in ‘detached backup battle unit 5’. A lance of 4. Our duty
was simple: follow in the wake of the main attack unit and clean up the mess
they made. Sometimes that meant burying the corpses of our enemies; sometimes
it meant burying our comrades. We saw the results of the fighting, but none of
us had seen any action yet, we were just janitors with guns.
The canopy suddenly opened up. We were entering a shallow rice field. In the
distance the muffled roar of gunshots rang out, automatic weapons. We all knew
there would be more corpses ahead, just waiting for us, the janitors, to place
them in their final resting place.
At the sound of this gunfire, Ray smirked. Ray was a cool guy. He wasn’t one of
those war haters, he embraced everything it was about. The killing, the fear.
He embraced every moment of it with his soul, he would be up there in the front
lines enjoying every minute of it if it wasn’t for his poor eyesight and slight
limp. “It’s a good day to die”, Ray, said with a smile; bringing me out of my
trance.
I’m what you would call a thinker. Things go on around me all the time, but I
don’t really feel them. I hide from them by going inside myself. My internal
dialogue, this is all that keeps me going here. This damn jungle is so harsh, I
just want to go home. But I’m here, fuck. I can feel the weight of my body,
fuck. I can feel the fear creeping into me, fuck. I can feel that damn heat,
the sweat it causes, mosquito bites, itching all the time…….fuck.
The lance leader holds his left hand up in the sign of a fist, this means its
time for us to stop. Finally, time for a break, after all this walking,
apparently the main attack unit got into some heavy combat ahead of us, they
want us to wait here until its clear. But I don’t really care about all that. I
reach into the pocket in my right arm and retrieve my smokes. Lucky Strikes,
unfiltered. I light one and draw in its smoke. Ah it feels better now, the heat
of the jungle isn’t so bad. Things feel lighter. I take a few deep breaths and
stare blankly at the clear blue sky of the mid-afternoon.
I can hear Ray and the lance leader arguing about something in the distance.
The lance leader is a real dick with rules. Even though were out here, pretty
much alone he insists on going by the book. Who wrote the book? Fuck the book,
out here it don’t matter. Out here its just life and death, there aren’t any
rules for that.
Ray is getting more pissed. The argument intensifies. I’m not really hearing
the words, I’m too busy enjoying my cigarette. Finally, the argument reaches
its peak and there is no more sound. I look down from the sky to see Ray
walking towards me with his head up and the lance leader staring off at the
edge of the jungle. I sigh.
“Really stuck it to him”, I say. Ray responds: “Haha, that old bastard thinks
we should stay here for the night”, “Fuck that shit man, I say we run up into
that bitch and fuck some shit up”. Yup that’s typical Ray for ya. Personally, I
just want to take a bath in the shallow rice patties and get some sleep,
despite the fact that it is mid-day.
Ah fuck it, I’m too tired. I reach for the foldable cot in my backpack. Its not
much, but it beats sleeping on the damp earth. With a sigh I unfold it and lay
down. I don’t really give a shit what everyone else is doing, I just want this
to be over. No one seems to notice me and my cot, so I just nod off, trying to
ignore my suddenly itchy leg.
Night
When I wake up again it is the dead of night. The gunfire stopped, crickets and
tree frogs shout into my ears. Their sound is comforting, it insulates me from
all the bullshit going on around me. The moon looks good. I haven’t seen it in
a few nights, the canopy was too thick, but out here, in the rice field I can
almost imagine myself somewhere else, away from this jungle hell. I feel
rested.
I slowly sit up and look around. I can see Ray and the lance leader, sound
asleep in their cots. Then there is Billy. Strange guy. He kind of just blends
into the scenery. I forget he is there a lot of the time, never talks. Good
worker but not much else.
The jungle suddenly grows silent. I can hear a ringing in my ears from the
silence. Slowly, I begin to hear my breath. It seems too loud so I control it,
until it is almost silent. I start playing with my pants. Not a bad hobby, I
chuckle to myself in all my discomfort. Damn leg, I scratch it until blood
comes out, then the pain washes out the urge to itch. Pain is easier to control
than itching. I lay back in the cot again. Fumble with my M16. I know how to
shoot targets, but just not people. I suppose it would be different somehow,
but I don’t really dwell on it. I flick the safety on and off and on again,
‘click’, ‘click’, ‘click’. Just one little piece of metal and you have a very
bad day, I begin to wonder if getting shot feels something like the itch, but
then something happens.
Something is not right, I can sense it. I can hear voices in the distance. I
can’t tell what language it is, it could be English, but then again maybe not.
A wave of fear washes over me, a sweat that even all this heat can’t produce.
Instinctively, I roll off the cot onto the damp ground. Still, not feeling
right, I roll under the cot. I am very scared, my leg is trembling. I hold my
M16 like a teddy bear, an object of comfort. I switch the safety off, ’click’.
Suddenly, a sound. Like a rocket, and then a muffled boom. The rice paddy
becomes bright as day. It’s a flare, I can tell by the whiteness of the light.
This couldn’t be good at all. Someone is scanning us. SHIT, loud gunshots ring
out, 3 shots, semi-automatic. My ears are rigging, I breathe harder but I can’t
hear my breath. With wide eyes I look around from the ground. I see something
over near Ray’s cot. Something dripping. My god its blood, and its coming from
a huge hole in his head. I wretch, I have seen lots of corpses, but this is
someone I’ve been around a long time. I know he’s dead. The other cots look the
same, shit. I see two people emerge from the forest. Heading straight for me. I
can’t stop trembling. But somehow, I get my M16 pointed at them. The first guy
is right in the V. All I have to do is squeeze the trigger. Fear overcomes me,
I feel stone cold. Its hard to move. It feels like time is stopping, yet the
two keep approaching. I’m hesitating, I can’t help it. I need to do action now,
but I can’t. Something has a death grip on my soul. I am frozen, like Ray. Ray
is dead. “You fuckers!!!!!!!!!” I jump up from the ground, throwing the cot off
me with an angered swing of my arm. I lost control. The M16 snaps up to my
shoulder, I just barely get them near the ‘V’ and jerk the trigger with the
force of a demon, bullets cut through the air, so violent, so loud. My vision
blurs. I can make out little spurts of blood in the white light, the two fall
to the ground dead. The barrel smokes a little.
My entire body is trembling. My friends are dead, the enemy is dead. Now its
just me. I remember the cigarettes in my shoulder pocket, my shaky hand tries
to light one. But it just doesn’t seem to work. I try some more. Finally, I get
it lit somehow. The nicotine calms me down a little. I can’t think about
anything properly, I am just an animal, my mind is blank. I set the cot up
again and lay down. I look at the familiar sky and forget my situation.
Somehow, I grow tired and fall into the comforting abyss of sleep.
Man, Im really getting off on this whole story thing. It feels good to let
things out like that. I just take my life and change it up a bit, letting
certain emotions write the story for me. A nice blow off valve.
My last part had indents but this stupid program can't detect them so it was
kinda hard to read. But ill add in spaces for this part, it should be better.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Night 2
There was nothing, and then... The sky again, still dark. Ah, it certainly is a
nice night. But there was something else. I couldn’t put my finger on it, it
lived in the deep recesses of my mind, hidden away. I could feel its presence,
but not see what it was exactly. I stared up into the sky with squinted eyes.
Things don’t feel bad at all. I leisurely arose from my cot and instinctively
reach for my cigarettes. Hmm, but they aren’t in my pocket, how strange. Then I
saw the corpses again.
I had forgotten for a brief blissful moment all those grim events. But now it
was back. I could still feel the sweat of fear on my body. The faint smell of
blood. I was consumed in this moment. I can’t get out. Stuck, here with death.
But soon I realized there was more than that.
I am in a jungle. I am alone. Then I began thinking: Those enemy soldiers, they
came from the same direction as the main attack unit, they must have broken
through the line. It is most likely the main attack unit is either dead or
captured; at any rate I can’t go to them for help, enemies are everywhere.
Shit, so what should I do? Oh shit, those men I killed were probably scouts,
the main enemy line can’t be far behind them, I need to move, NOW.
Ok, shit, I need supplies. What do we have. Ah that’s right, we had rations,
Ill just take those. Yes, ammunition, Ill take that too. I should have enough
for a few days. OK lets go.
I darted off away opposite the direction of the attack unit. My boots squished
in the damp muck of the rice paddies. Soon it got very dark, I had entered the
jungle again. I just need to find my way back to the field headquarters.
It took us a few days of hard hiking to get here. I just need to retrace those
steps and I can be safe again. Fuck, I left the map at camp. No, I’m not going
back. I am safer here.
The thoughts just kept coming, I was trying to put some kind of plan together,
something concrete to hold onto or else I would loose it. Then, I just started
running, I wanted to get somewhere. Anywhere. That was my plan. As the branches
scratched my arms and twigs snapped under my boots a feeling of utter
hopelessness crept into my mind. I had absolutely nothing, no idea where to go
or what to do. I became lost in my despair, like a lost child, tears appeared.
I was trying so hard to grasp something, anything, I felt this would lead me to
where I needed to be. I thought and thought and thought. Nothing came besides
panic and fear, running. This was certainly not the answer, no I need to do the
total opposite of thinking and digging and grasping. I need to release
everything, everything I know, everything I am. My situation is so terrible, I
need to let it all go. Even these thoughts, all of it. It is the only way I
will survive. I stopped running. Crouched down facing a tree, I could almost
make out its contours, but the darkness made it seem unreal somehow. Like all
this was a dream. With my entire soul I arched my back and sighed. My head
loaded like the trigger of a revolver about to launch forward into the other
world. All it would take is the slightest impulse and it would all change. With
an un-human laugh I released.
A dull thud echoed throughout the forest.
The Transformation
The morning light swept over the beautiful jungle. Everything was encased in a
dull reddish tint. An American soldier lay under a tree. His head seemed
damaged somehow. He arose from the ground. Without a thought he grabbed his M16
and began walking deeper into the jungle.
Carefully paced steps, like that of a monk or priest. So even and peaceful. His
steps had nothing extra or special, just steps. With his eyes focused intently
on the ground he moved. It seemed as if he was staring at nothing. Almost like
a corpse.
He reached into his pocket and retrieved a packet of rations. He tore the top
off with his teeth, and consumed them, all this without missing a step. If
anyone were to look into his eyes they would not understand them. Dull, glazed.
Almost as if he were on some type of drug, but the detachment that drugs bring
wasn’t there. He was very present. A very determined mind lay behind those
eyes. Yet, there was no object of determination. His eyes were determination in
themselves. His own body was all the motivation he needed. He was everything
and everything was him.
Suddenly, he stopped. A faint sound; a hiss in the thick brush in front of him.
He instinctively drew his weapon and fired a shot. The snake fell dead. The
mysterious man continued onward as if nothing had happened.
True Awakening
It was me again, in a jungle, alone, walking. I came back into myself. Almost
as if awakening from a dream, the last few days were a blur. I checked my
equipment, all the rations, gone. I have no food. I have no clean water. I was
destined to die soon. I feel very lightheaded, nothing seems real. Life is just
a dream I make up.
I am back at my house. My comfortable house. It was early in the morning, or
rather, late at night. The leftovers of a party, a few people I knew and a few
I didn’t. Ah, my belly is full of beer and a nice steak. I am about to go to
bed, I’m not used to staying up this late. Then I see her. Sitting in a corner.
She is beautiful. I am a very lonely person because I train myself to be that
way. Ignoring my natural urges makes me stronger somehow. No room for a
girlfriend, no time to smell the roses, always time to work. But this girl made
me forget all that. We talked for a while. My emotions got the better of me and
I asked her to spend the night. It was then she made me aware of her boyfriend.
Then I went back into my corner. Back, away from people. I figured it probably
wouldn’t have worked out anyway.
‘Snap’, another damn twig beneath my feet. I was reliving a memory, I was there
for a minute, out of this damn jungle. I collapse under the weight of my body.
I see the dead leaves up close, I will be just like those leaves soon. A shell
with no content, no use, no direction; trash. I squint my eyes into the
distance, I see a dull reddish light hitting the canopy; it gives the forest a
morbid orange glow. Sunrise, sunset. I am not sure which it is. “Alive when the
sun rises, dying as it sets, dead at night”, those words, I remember from a
book somewhere. They remind me of the impermanent nature of life. When I first
read them I didn’t really understand, but now it makes total sense. I can feel
my life drain away, body growing heavy. My eyes close themselves as I become
drawn into something, I am not sure if it is death or sleep; maybe they both
feel the same.
I am on the train, on my way to work. I work in a very bad suburb.
Homelessness, hard drugs, everywhere. As I pass a station I notice the main
shopping center. The main billboard is a rusty heart, you can just barely make
out the wording. All the stores, run down, falling apart. If it weren’t for all
the people you would think it was a long abandoned city. As I walk the sidewalk
to work homeless people jump in front of me, begging for something, anything.
Maybe if they are lucky they will collect enough change to buy a cup of coffee
or maybe a candy bar to sustain their lives for just a little longer. If they
could get together four dollars they could live in a homeless shelter for a
week. They could have shelter and soup every night. But those are just dreams
to them, they are trapped in the hell of reality. A reality where nothing is
taken for granted. Where waking up every day is the worst thing that could
possibly happen to them.
I gasp for air as I sit straight up. My entire body aches. Through blurry eyes
I can see the forest that all too familiar green color of mid-afternoon. I must
have slept for 12 hours at least. Everything hurts so bad. I can’t imagine a
bath in acid feeling so bad. But I’m not ready to die yet, I am not giving up
until my body does. I can still hear the voice in my head, I can still control
the voice in my head. Until that voice is gone I will keep trying.
I laugh, in all my pain, I know what I need to do next. I crawl over to the
nearest tree and sit up, facing it. I cock my head back like a branch bending
under the weight of an unseen hand, charged. I just need to release the branch
again. I fill the forest with spontaneous laughter. Yes, its time to let go
again.
Birds scatter as a strange dull thud disturbs the peace of the jungle.
I got some more story. But its not ready for here yet. Hell, I dont even know
if anyone reads these things so "their only for me".
Well shit, I haven't layed out any real life stuff here in a while. Tonight
Clint came over and hooked me up with a shitload of music and music videos.
Man, living without cable and time for relaxation has really boosted my
creativity. I think that as humans we have a need for a certain level of
non-pure-mechanical activities, like abstract art, techno, stuff like that.
Without it my mind makes its own stuff. But now with the stuff Clint gave me
someone else is doing the work. I just sit back and watch someones video, look
at all that creativity. Its cool to allow yourself to sink into someone elses
work instead of just muddling around in yours all the time.
Ah, the beer tastes good tonight. Last night it didn't taste so good. I think
I've been drinking too much lately, this whole past week, just felt burnt out.
But I'll take it easier.
At work we discussed the actual day I would be leaving. Its strange to think
that I will actually be not there at some point. No more office, no more
computer, no more doctors, no more students. All gone. Strange. I've been
living in this layer of life for so long I have forgotton the other layers. The
layer of sitting on my ass all day. It will come again.
Like a story, a distraction from 'reality'; when the story is over you come
back to this default level that always existed while you were in the story but
just didn't see.
Everything you do is just another layer you sink into, all the time there is
this all encompasing layer above everything. If you do nothing you will reach
this layer. This is the natural state of your consciousness. Unfortunatly, not
many people reach it, the layers just keep coming. Even layers inside layers.
It just keeps going on down to hell. Right now I am deep in the crust of these
layers here is the path top down:
Nature
Physical needs manifested as feelings of pain and happiness
Consciousness
Emotions in general
Sex emotions
Realization of existance
Thoughts of mortality
Thoughts of the future in general
Thoughts of work
Thoughts of school
Thoughts of video games
Thoughts of women
Thoughts of friends
Beer
Computer
Music
Reflection on my existance
<<<---- I am here
Hell/death/other shit
Yea, if I wanted to be at true peace I would have to eliminate all of these.
Some things like beer, computer, music are pretty easy; all ya gotta do is
physically eliminate them (turn off computer etc...). Then the thoughts. You
can eliminate these with a thought to stop the thoughts because obviously that
in itsself is a thought which will inevitibly produce more thoughts, so ya
gotta focus on your breath and crap, "no thoughts and you don't know it" sort
of thing. Then as for consciousness and all that other stuff, well you gotta
figure that out on your own, explaining it will make you(and me) unable to
achieve it.
Woww, I kinda went off there. Yea, I dunno, Im gonna be content for a while and
get another beer.
Son of a bitch. Real life robbed me of my creativity. Too much work and
projects, it just keeps coming without end. Ah, I'll post the 'final' segment
just so I can get some closeure.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Awakening II “Good morning, ready for combat?”. A calm female voice in my head,
things are different now. Not like the first time I did this. Instead of
leaving my body and observing my life from the perspective of another person I
am now further into myself. My actions, my thoughts, this new voice, everything
seems more connected somehow.
The voice said good morning. I open my eyes. It is morning. The forest is a
dull crimson, its hard to make out anything. It is cold. Ah I realize I am
still very hungry, but don’t really feel it, its just a thought. I better get
food somehow. “I suggest eating fish from the river”. That damn listless female
voice again. “Ok where is the river then bitch” ,I think to myself. “One
kilometer in the direction you are facing now”, it says. Ah well, not like I
have any other good options. I follow the instructions.
Walking is strange now. I can feel every minor motion of my legs, its almost
hard to walk. Before I didn’t even give walking a second thought, my legs just
kind of numbed out. But now I feel them so much. I can control every little
aspect of them. I marvel at how simple it is to walk, but how complicated it
seems now. Soon, I find myself at a river. How in the hell did that female
voice in my head know where it is? Ah well, fuck it.
I see some fish swimming near the shore. Ah, there’s my food. I just need to
grab one real fast. Like lightning. I hold my hand steadily above the fish for
a second to gather my energy, then in an instant a fish is in my hand. I am so
hungry, the idea of eating raw fish like this disturbs me, but my hunger is
much worse. I sink my teeth into its side. Lots of bone. But with my front
teeth I manage to rip off a piece of meat. It is very chewy, almost like gum.
But when I swallow it I can feel my stomach warm up. My body is rebuilding
itself. My mind is becoming clearer. I remember my knife. Hell, when I was a
kid my dad taught me how to gut a fish. What the fuck am I doing? I grab the
fish and cut off its head, then split it in half, then remove all the bodily
organs. Finally, I remove the spine and all the bones attached to it. I am left
with two perfect filets. I almost swallow them whole because of my hunger. But
attempt to slow down. I might not get to eat like this soon. Ah, I need to
catch some more. I poise my hand over another fish in the river.
“Two armed men are approaching from upstream, I suggest seeking cover and
drawing your weapon”. That voice again. Well she wasn’t wrong the first time. I
do as told. Right behind a huge tree I prepare my M16 for its duty again. They
must not have seen me. They are smoking cigarettes, walking down the stream,
holding their guns. They seem pretty leisurely. Like their just out for a
stroll or something. Maybe I won’t have to kill this time.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Yup, thats its. Wow. HAHA what a crappy story right.
Yea, I need some time to rewind a little. My shit is getting all fucked up, im
turning into an emotionless work-bot.
I had this dream last night that reminded me of my human side:
Sarah Michelle Gellar, kind of an idol to me. She said that we could live
together for a while if I wanted. But I turned her down because I want to get
through college and get a steady job first. Somehow, while I was still in
school I went out to visit her, she was in some shitty run down house with a
husband and a kid. It made me want to go back and live with her when I had the
chance, I could have made myself happy by making her happy. But, I had to leave
and go back to work.
Then I woke up. My life is starting to feel incomplete without a significant
other. When I started my whole hardcore work thing it seemed like I could just
immerse myself so deep into my job and education that I would forget about the
need to have a good woman around. But, now near the end of my little
work/education insanity journey its starting to catch up with me.
All the emotions I repress just so I can get the job done, their creeping up
uncontrollably. Their starting to kick my ass and hurt my work performance
ironically. So, all I can do in response is just sink deeper outside myself and
totally ignore my existance. It feels wierd, disconnected. I want to be myself
again, but if I do I know it will just make getting through this last month
harder.
I went to this Sarah Michelle Gellar fan site in some vain attempt to make the
emotions go away. I read some interviews, just words. They make the emotions
come on stronger. A need for real people I'm afraid. A hunger I cannot feed by
myself. But I think I can block it out just enough to power through this last
month.
Shit, ive hit the fucking dead bottom, right before i puke, im barely alive.
Too much beer???? get over it
You are where you are, get over it
yo feel like you will die instantly, 6millon ways to die, which way will kill
me
The way that forgets its even alive, the way thats barely alive.
What is life???? The period of time between work and school??? now, this
moment???
I dont think so
Wow, I was torn up last night. Like where you start seriously forgetting
things.
Man, I need to lay off the beer tonight a little.
Man, so i have some more ammo now. Dunno where it came from. Was just watching
TV and then started thinking about stuff.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Childrens TV shows:
I saw this wierd kids show today, it had 5 little humanoid ball things with
eyes hopping around real fast and falling down and laughing. Then it had
rainbows flying all over the place, with kids laughing in the background. It
all happened very fast.
Dude, if i ever have kids they are sure as hell not watching that shit. I
watched it for 5 minuites and it fucked me up, imagine a kid growing up on that
shit, their level of attention would be so fucked up they probably wouldnt be
able to function as a normal human being. They would need flashy lights and
shit flying all over the place to be amused, real life doesn't offer that kind
of stuff. They would probably just pass out if they had to sit through a
lecture or work 8 hours.
Real life is actually pretty mundane. Things happen pretty slow compared to the
way they are portrayed on TV. Its a skill to be able to 'live' through life.
Like in the moment and not lost in your own thoughts/memories.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Wierd Dream:
Last night I dreamt that I was in the next Star Wars movie. It was really wierd
though. Like for each scene a single cast member would get in front of the
camera and do like 50 takes of random speech solo. It was pretty wierd, but
after I did my takes I got to hang out with that hot princess chick on there,
yea she dug me.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Wierd Dream part 2:
Yea, another wierd dream. I dreampt I was a cop and I had this partner. We were
about to bust this drug house. We were so badass in our car outside the house,
we had donuts and got our guns ready. Then we bust down the door and instantly
my partner got shot and killed, so I ran outside and got back in my car and
drove off. But the drug dealers kept chasing me and shooting me. Eventually, I
got away.
Next, I was in charge of this strange raid on a giant pancake restaraunt. Like
the restaraunt was surrounded by men with guns pointed at it and there were
lots of helicopters around. Alone, I went inside and my parents ran out, then I
noticed I was wearing a blue button up shirt with a red tie and the shirt had
some kind of purple stain on it. For some reason the stain was really
important, I had a serious emotional reaction to it.
Then, I went around in the pancake restaurant and nothing was wrong, then I
woke up.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Sarah Michelle Gellar:
Yea her again. I saw her on some celeb show at some primere and the crowd was
chanting her name. She looked kind of disoriented, like her eyes were going
everywhere and she had a fake smile on. It looked very natural, like she wasnt
acting or anything, she was just a person, overwhelmed that all these people
were screaming her name.
I don't know what my deal is with her. Usually, celebs are so fake, just doing
things to better their carreer, putting out a fake smile that looks real just
to keep the money and attention rolling in. But when one of them puts on a fake
smile that looks fake its different somehow. Like they aren't so badass, just
another person you might see on the street sometime and have no reaction to. I
guess I'm attracted to her because she seems so real.
Also, I can relate to her. Shes a work-a-holic. She worked like 15 hour days
when she was on Buffy, right after she quit she went to work on a movie, then
on to another movie. I hear that she even strictly schedules her free time. I
can relate to that with my busy schedule and all. But thats not all, she
fucking powers through it all, she does all that, then she does interviews and
maintains without falling apart, shes a very strong willed person.
Also, shes into Japan and zen meditation and stuff like that. Stuff i'm into.
She doesn't believe in any religion, etc... Yea I could just keep going. Lots
of things I can identify with in her. I don't get that with people I actually
know. Maybe thats why I have this deal with her.
Well that, and I have dreams about her at least once a week, I feel strong
emotions towards her in my dreams and it seems to carry over to real life, like
I wake up and I feel the same strong emotions I felt in the dreams.
Well that, and shes hot.
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Real life:
Ah man, Im so lucky. I got monday and tuesday off from work. I'm just fuckin
chillin. No wake up at 6AM, its fucking sweet. I have so much more energy now.
Im recharged.
When I went to my late classes last night I was able to focus so much. I never
realized how much energy work takes. Seriously, it was like I was a different
person. My entire mental state was different. I can't wait for next month when
I quit work and graduate college and then see things in yet another way.
Man, in my software engineering class I think I broke two of my team members. I
was like "Ok guys, were seriously running out of time, you need to get your
programs finished by the end of this week so we will have time for another
development iteration at the end of the semester". One class later, boom, their
gone. The japanese chick and the mongolian? chick. They said it was for
'personal reasons', but I dunno, it might of been my fault.
So now its just us three doin all this work. I hope I'm not pushing them too
hard. Ruth said,"I didn't sign up for this" last night when we were talking
about getting the documentation together. But I think she will stick with it.
Same with Jaya. They still seem kinda stressed though. If it were me, I would
have no problem with the assignments I give them, but then again they aren't
me. Oh well. I'll finish the damn project by myself if I have to lol, its
really not that hard.
If I ever manage a software project in the real world, I hope I get a team that
has more motivation.
Oh, so what else is going on in the real world?
Not much I guess, just relaxing for now. Getting ready for class, getting ready
for work tomorrow. I'm ready to power through these last four weeks and get it
over with.
I need to wash my car and fix the front toilet. Think I'll save that for
Saturday.
I generally feel pretty confident about the future.