I've spent the last 5 hours or so sitting in this chair.
I am nervously anticipating my trip to Amsterdam next week. The flight over is what gives me the most "anticipation".
It feels so uneasy to relenquish all your control. When things are under my control I feel a sense of peace. I trust fully in my abilities. Riding my motorcycle, driving my car, working; I trust myself to do these things fully. I may still feel a bit of fear, but never above a 2 on the 1-10 scale.
Flying, I have no physical control. Everything is in the hands of the pilot, the plane and the environment. On a scale of 1-10, 8. Every bump in the air, 9. Bad weather, steep altitude changes, vertigo: 10, 10, 10!!!!!
At least thats how it was in the past. Now, I'm working on my fear. I seem to think that because my hands aren't at the controls that I have no control. In the past I had been looking totally outward, but through training I have discovered that I am in 100% control of my own mind 100% of the time.
The fear is just an outdated alarm system. It says, "You better do something now!". But I can control this, I can hear the warning, ,acknowledge it and keep things copasetic.
Fear is not the same as dying... The little mental fantasies make the fear grow great. In fact I can bring myself to an 8, just sitting here, imagining the possibilities. But its not real, its just my mind going on autopilot, playing movies. By consciously interrupting the movies, or better yet, interjecting good feelings into the bad movies I can control my internal reactions.
I'm on the plane. I can feel my hands grip the armrests so tightly, they go numb. I can feel beads of sweat rolling down my face. I look out the window and see darkness punctuated by the occasional flash of lightning. I feel my stomach leap up into my throat as gravity leaves for a few seconds.
"Oh shit, the plane is crashing, I'm going to die and I can't do anything about it!". "My god, I've made so much progress in my life and now its going to end!"."Should I pray, should I hold my breath and try to pass out"."I can't control my breathing anymore, shit, it feels like I'm dying right now, I'm FUCKING FREAKING OUT!!!" Wait....my god, that stewardess is a major hottie, I'm going to mac on her using my skills. "Excuse me..... mam... we're about to die...so if its not to much trouble, how about some sky head.....no? okok maybe I'm asking for too much. How about a simple handjob before we go crashing to our deaths?". Oh I can't get that either. "Wait, let me use some skills I read in a book." "
I can control 100% of whats happening inside me and 0% of what happens outside. The past is dead. Lets go for it! I'm ready!
I just sat down in front of the keyboard. I am typing this with no prior thought. There is no preconcieved motivation to type in this journal.
So, its blank now. A long white sheet is in front of me. It can be as big as it needs to be. It can encapsulate anything. Great authors started with this same blank sheet. Everyone starts with this same blank sheet. The blank sheet exists whether or not I exist. Whether or not I am aware of it being there, the blank sheet is always waiting in the void.
So, what goes on this particular blank sheet? It can't be forced, it just has to naturally emerge. Its the output of something very deep and important inside myself.
Traveling deep, into a blank state, impassible terrain is penetrated. Touching consciousness looking inward on its-self. Realizing that its not just a single point. Arms extend outward. Hands get submerged into frigid water and through terrible pain I wake up. It was just a dream.
When you ask, "is it real?" It dissapears. You have to unconditionally believe. You have to feel it totally and not let temptations move you from its course. There is only one way. One road.
Curiosity and a desire for exploration naturally leads one to the strip club.
So, the second time around was like riding a motorcycle after a few thousand miles of knowledge. But then there are surprises; rocks in the road, cats that jump out at you from nowhere - and then, realizing that if you do something a certain way you find yourself in a new place. A new trick, a new maneuver.
Even knowing it was fake, it felt real. I kept telling myself, this is fake, its a fantasy land. But the strippers know how to make it real. They know how to make you feel very intimate with them after only a few moments. When you talk to them they have a certain way of mirroring your personality and responding so gracefully to any question. They instantly turn into whatever your fantasy is.
You want a Phillipino girl that is somewhat shy so you can bring her out of her shell. Done. You want a Lebanese woman that can keep up with a conversation about war and socio-political ideals. Done. You want a woman that takes great interest in whatever drunken nonsense comes out of your mouth. Done.
Approximate actual conversation:
Me: Whats your favorite color?
Her: Purple, tee hee-hee. Oh man, you've turned me on, so let me grind on you for the next 10 minutes.
So easy, fake, yet they make it seem so real. You probably think, wow, that sounds so cheezy. But when she's in your lap, whispering in your ear. Her eyes sparkling like a dog that wants some food. It feels so real.
So this new trick I learned. It didn't work. Constantly telling myself that this is just fake entertainment. It didn't work. Their realness broke through. I get the strippers that don't exist beyond there role, their role is "For the next 10 minutes, I unconditionally love this person". I get the Kate Beckinsale and Meryl Streep of the stripper world.
It feels good. But I fear its tainting my real life progress. I think those strippers took away the dating progress I've made over the last few weeks. They Replaced real with a fake that feels real. They put my ass in the Matrix and now I have to figure out if I'm just 1s and 0s(well mostly 2s and 0s) or if I'm real.
The rebuilding process begins again. Life continues. Everything is where it should be, all is good.
No cumbersome thoughts. Shed the weight!
Castlevania Dracula X - Demo Scene 3
Steve Allen - Lemon Drizzle
Crystal - Numb
Anemoshere - Veratrix
Solarstone - Speak in Sympathy
Reproject - Drifting
Iris Dee Jay - A Better World (feat. Wavescape, remix by DJ Deraven & Dgate)
Temple 1 - Eternal Light
John O'Callaghan - Find Yourself
Oen Bearen - Ajoyable
Obi - Disturbing Dreams
Pendulum - Slam
The Qemists - On the Run (VIP)
Riddimskattah - Man
DJ Fresh - The Immortal
Enjoy!!
Tracklisting:
Reproject - Drifting
Manvel Ter-Pogosyan - Fallen In Too Deep feat. Jenni Perez - Amurai Remix
You Never Said - Blake Jarrell Extended Remix
Romi - Soothsayer feat. Tiff Lacey
2Trance - In my Dreams [M.O.R.P.H. vs. Van Eyden Remix]
Sound Players - Moonlight Theory
Markus Schulz & Andy Moor - Daydream (Lemon & Einar K Uplifting Remix)
Cara Dillon, 2Devine - Black Is The Colour - Above & Beyond's Devine Intervention Remix
Fa Kin Su Pah - Big Chief's Herbs, Remix By Maarten Hercules
DJ Shah - Who Will Find Me, Featuring Adrina Thorpe (Main Mix)
Ayumi Hamasaki - Appears (Armin Van Buuren's Rising Star Mix)
Benirras - Peace(Outro)
Ah, good times. AvB episode 400 inspired me to travel to Amsterdam for Dance Valley 2009. I want to see what the Trance/House scene is like over there. Is it the same vibe over there as it is here? How has (mostly)legalized weed effected their society? Will I die on the plane trip? Amsterdam is my new mission.
I'm gonna be an asshole for a minute: There's a part of me that wants to close this journal off to the outside world. Why should I want people reading my personal details anyways? I know when I started this thing, back in 2000, it was to gain a sense of validation. A feeling that somehow I was connecting with society even though I was very much disconnected from it. Now, I'm much more connected. I'm connected to the point that if I find the urge to gain validation I can gain it on the outside. So, I really don't have a reason to keep this journal public anymore.
On the other hand. I don't really care if people read my mental excrement. I could really care less. And maybe, just maybe, there is one person out there who derives some type of pleasure from reading this. Maybe somehow I help people with this journal. Maybe its a past-time for them, or maybe there is some stuff in here that helps them get through some moment in their life. In addition to that, I fancy myself some sort of renegade writer that doesn't follow the normal rules of the English language....it feels good to be a renegade.
I should go back to the roots. Standing Zen, the act of experiencing zen away from meditation. This place was an offshoot of that part of my personality. Ten or so years later, that feeling has deepened. Its gone from a feeling of connectedness to disconnect followed by months and months of meditation in pursuit of that feeling again back to connectedness. Its an endless cycle, but each time I find that feeling again it gets stronger and stronger. Now, I feel the bliss of not being aware that the feeling of connectedness is there; but at the same time not feeling a strong desire to attain it.
------------
I had a terrible dream last night. Of course it was in relation to this upcoming trip to Amsterdam. The plane was flown by Japanese people, I was in the cockpit, disoriented, I think the sky was orange, just as the sunsets. That familiar feeling in the pit of my stomach as the plane falls out of the sky. Somehow we ended up on the ground and the propellers sheared into the cockpit. Not in a quick action type of way, but slowly, as if some machine was tourturing the airplane. I closed my eyes in my dream just as the propellers were about to dig into me; and then it was quiet. They stopped, the plane was a wreck, people were dead, but I was alive. Somehow that transitioned into a sexual experience where I had a badass orgasm that lasted 5 minutes only to wake up and realize it wasn't entirely a dream. I'm talking standing on that peak and not immediately jumping off. I'm talking posting up on that mofo and looking around, maybe sipping some tea or some coffee, watching the sunrise; then saying, yea, its time and then jumping off and floating down on a couch of clouds.
Anyways, very strange dream. Like a double feature at a movie theatre: "The End of All Things" followed by "The Carebears Christmas". Well I guess the second half should be porn. But no, I like carebears christmas. I can't stop laughing thinking about that double feature.
What are you doing here? Join the 72 hour worldwide trance event (4/16-4/18):
http://astateoftrance.dancefoundation.nl/
Back to normal now. I hardly even remember my vacation. Normal life has creeped back in like an ex-girlfriend.
Nothing to add, nothing to contribute here.....Its wednesday.
I'm always fighting this idea that I'm owned by someone. That I will never really be free. But through music, I can find freedom, if only for a brief moment.
The 'high' from UMF/Miami is fading away like a fleeting dream. I find myself crashing back to earth on my last day of vacation. Its pretty rough: all those nights of staying up late, traveling and relaxing are catching up to me. I slept a hard sleep for several hours this afternoon and when I awoke, I knew it was over.
Despite my best efforts I cannot retain the 'vacation feeling'. All those experiences with different people, adventure, spontaneity, the party/EDM atmosphere of Ultra; living on the edge of life. I want to somehow encapsulate it and carry it with me everywhere. I want to be able to go into work tomorrow and have that same feeling.
I suppose its foolish to want such things. After all, work is work. Its not an EDM event in Miami with 70,000 people, 100s of DJs and new smells/sensations. I must have been drunk when I first had the notion of capturing that energy and carrying it around with me. The fact is, I have to let it go. I can carry some parts of it with me, but I have to leave that particular vibe behind. Of course in the future I will find it again through music or people or DJing. But it can't exist in my normal working life with the same potency in which it was originally experienced.
Haha, queue violins right? Sure, those can play for a little while; but its time to let it go. Its time to realize again that the most important thing is what I have now. My current reality. On top of that, the future is a myriad of possibilities.
Yea so UMF inspired me. I contained that magical energy. Please watch and feel it. Feeel it!!!
Sitting on the beach in Pensacola now. Mind is pretty blank.
I did have a bunch of stuff to type out. Good stuff, stuff that comes to the surface after long periods of time without worrying about bills, work or anything else. However, its been erased. The pressure inside that gives me motivation to write has left through the sun, birds and wind.
I'm just going to sit here now for a few hours and see if anything comes to the surface.
...time passes...
Usually, at the beach, it feels like I have to be doing something. Its hard to get in the state where just sitting is ok. Where existing somewhere 'eternally' feels natural.
My mind is usually assaulted with the idea that 'now' isn't good enough. That I should always be seeking something with substance in order to achieve happiness. 'Now' by its-self is never enough.
But at this very moment, 'now' is good enough.
Just sitting here on this beach, typing this, occasionally glancing up at the waves or the sky. This moment right now is all I need.
This state probably comes so naturally because the last few days have been so packed with exploration and entertainment. Sixteen hours in Miami for Ultra, it was amazing. It was a spritual experience. The vibe of the people, the endless music. The food.
This is why vacations are so important. They remind you there is a reason your alive; the reason is not your job, its not to end up in some routine day after day. No, the reason is to simply exist. There is nothing other than that. After you put your mind in the right state, After you scrape off all the stress, all the weight you carry from your situation, you experience this feeling that you exist; and with it the feeling that there is nothing else you need. This very moment right now is all I need. This is the meaning of life.
...time passes...
Thinking back to all the experiences I've had on this trip. I'm going to experiment a little and convey a few of them in story mode:
The pier:
You find yourself walking down Biscayne street in Miami. To your left you see tall condos that rival some of the tallest buildings in Dallas. To your right is Biscayne bay. Lush palm trees and water. You pass several parks. This is what postcards look like.
Your friend has discovered an open mall/pier and leads you to it.
You walk on the boardwalk passing many bars and restaurants. Looking out into the bay you can view many yachts. The sun begins to set.
You hear some 80s punk rock on the radio of one of the bars. Its a small bar, but looking behind the counter you see a row of taps that separates this place from the rest. Exotic beers: Boddingtons, Sam Adams White ale, Bass, Harp, Guiness, Blue Moon, and countless others. Beers you would not normally see on tap. Yes, this is beer heaven.
You take a seat right on the edge of the water. A Cuban goddess with dark skin, blue eyes, brown hair comes to you and asks which beer you would like....Boddingtons....moments later your beer arrives. It is perfect: heady, fresh, cold, crisp and full of flavor.
You chat with your friend for what seems like a golden eternity.
The sun sets. The distant highway over the water is illuminated in a calming blue glow. You hear salsa music. Its not heavy or bassy, its light, like a gas station radio.
The music and beer take your mind to a very relaxed place. Beer after beer comes, served to you by this goddess. A light breeze off the ocean. You wouldn't rather be anywhere else, doing anything else; this is exactly where you want to be and this is exactly what you want to be doing. Life is good.
Night:
You wonder through the downtown area, back to your hotel. Your friend discovers two good DJs spinning at a club called Cameo. Too drunk to drive you hail a cab and proceed to the location.
The driver is an old guy, crazed hair, almost like a homeless person. He speaks very fast, but is a good person, he has a good sense of life about him and is probably on cocaine, judging by his mannerisims.
You get to the club. Awesome sound system, all the bartenders are on point, friendly and conversational. Both DJs spin the best sets. A little trance blended with a solid dance beat.
...time passes...
Looking back, the people in Miami are some of the nicest I've met. From the street hot dog vendor, to the greek couple selling food at the festival to the random stranger in the elevator. It felt like a foreign country.
This place has good energy and I want some of it. Its my mission to bring at least some part of this back with me.
But its strange how your environment shapes you, beach cities filled with people from tropical islands are going to be more laid back than mid-continental cities filled with people from other states, or ranches.
Cowboys, outlaws, criminals, soldiers. This is the heritage of Texas; and the mentalities of those types of people has seeped into our modern consciousness. The general vibe of Dallas is that you have to keep to yourself and arm yourself to protect what is yours.
Fortunately, there are pockets of people that are just like the people of Miami. I need to move to a place like this.
...time passes...
Life is a beach. I'm going to bring the good stuff back home with me instead of allowing myself to be carried away by my environment. I'm going to take a chunk of the good stuff in life with me wherever I go.
...time passes...
I'm back in my hotel room now. Pretty badly sunburned, its going to hurt tomorrow. The sun is about to set. Time to head off to the bar, enjoy some fresh seafood and enjoy one last night away from home.
My mind is free. I'm just floating around now. An ambiguous lifeform that could change into anything at any given moment.
No stress, no external pressure molding me into something. I'm free.
It feels so good to live like this. I'm pure, almost animalistic. Not due to drugs, alcohol or women. No, this freedom only comes from the road.
Belly full of good food and beer. It wasn't just thrown at me, or consumed as a routine event. No, I searched for this food in a strange town. Before coming here I had no idea where I would go, where I would eat. But exploration has shown me the way, pick a direction and drive. Thats how I found my food tonight.
This is the re-imagination of when we, as humans, had to hunt. Back then there were no google maps, no glowing neon signs, no charts. The technology of the past was to smell prey, track prey by footprint, notice subtle changes in your environment which would lead you to prey.
No thoughts clouding your mind. No worries. No bills, no job, no taxes. All that existed was instinct driving you towards prey. And once you found it, the instant of action. The action of you percieving prey and a perfectly thrown spear.
Skinning your prey, preparing it for cooking, or maybe just eating it raw. The extacy of sustaining your life for another night.
Of course, in this new city, necessarily surrounded our modern technology, I can only make a guess as to how it was. But I feel I know it intimately, I can feel it in my soul.
So, I've been intoduced to the fine establishment known as the 'gentlemen's club'.
At first I had a pretty negative view of it. Some trashy place, black lights everywhere. Trashy women with messed up teeth and fake bodies shaking their breasts, trying to get dollar bills. Fake conversation leading up to an uninspired lap dance. Her body moves in an endlessly repeated robotic routine while she stares over your shoulder in search of her next client.
Trashy, dirty, pointless. Those were the words I had associated with strip bars....until last night.
So my friends drag me out to this place. Its shockingly similar to your typical bar. Plasma screens on the walls, ESPN, ESPN2, decent bottled beer, cigars, top 40s blasting out of a very nice sound system. The women are almost an afterthought.
I enjoy the beer and the sports. But notice every so often a breathtakingly attractive topless female walking by. Thats how it works. They just walk by every so often and you pick who you want. Very laid back, not pushy at all.
My friends of course had to drag one of these women over and force a lap dance on me. She takes me by the hand to this other room. Its very strange. About 40 or so expensive chairs crammed into the middle of this room. No space between the chairs. They're filled with other people getting lap dances. I plop down to an empty chair and she starts dancing on me, rubbing on me. I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it. But it seemed empty.
I started talking with her. I wanted to know how she got to this place. How does she live. What does she do. Turns out she's a 32 year old(although she looked about 25) single mom majoring in psychology. She also owns a hypnotherapy clinic and is a licensed hypnotherapist. She actually seemed like a decent human being. She was very well spoken, intelligent. She had things going on in her life other than this and on top of that shes one of the most attractive women I've seen in a while.
The lap dance is finished. She said something along the lines of do you want me to keep going. I told her I had to get back to my friends. Ah, so that was fun. I chalked it up as another foray into a random aspect of life.
I sit down and drink more beer, about 15min passes. The same girl walks by again and stares at me. Somehow I can't control myself, shes so beautiful and doesn't just seem like an object; shes a real person, someone I know. I motion for her to come over, she immediately sits in my lap. Banters with me for a minute or two, it feels totally natural. I let her lead me back up to the lap dance room, my arm around her waist as if to say "This one is mine".
Basically, I end up letting her dance on me until the place closes. At the end she enters her number into my phone and I leave her a HUGE tip.
I've been breaking the events down in my head for a while now. Its so strange, everything felt so real. My body doesn't know the difference between someone interacting with me naturally, or doing so because their paid to.
I figure strippers are experts in human nature. Night after night they practice the perfect things to say. The perfect strategies to be entertaining to certain types of men. Their social abilities are so finely calibrated that they can create a feeling of desire after only a few minutes of interaction. Not only that, but they do so in a way that feels totally natual and comfortable. They know how to make you forget that you are paying them for a service.
This made me realize something. The best way to improve my social skills is to put myself in a position where I have to constantly interact with people. I have to be in a place where interaction isn't optional. Possibly as a bartender or some form of entertainer.
I also realized that I should never go back to strip clubs. My emotions are too easily manipulated. It feels too good, its too addictive and its too easy. Its a fantasy land. I need to find the equivilent of a strip club in nature. I need to find a good woman.
-----------------------
I digress. Tomorrow my 2 week vacation starts. I'm going to Miami again for Ultra Music Festival. After going last year its impossible for me to not go. There are just so many good DJs there. Good weather, good vibes from the people, good food.
This time I've broken the trip into longer legs each day as opposed to the short legs I took on my way to LA. Driving for long periods of time gives you plenty of time to think.
Jackson MS, Tallahasse FL, Miami and then back to Pensacola for 2 days at a beachfront hotel. Ah, its going to be so nice. It feels so good to release everything and depend on myself in unfamiliar environments.
Staying in one city for so long you forget how big the world is. How many different ways of living there are. Vacationing like this lets you live several different lives. The life of a truck driver, trance/music addict, beer connesiour, explorer, drifter and anything else you get swept up in. This is what it is to truely be alive.
I'm a very analytical person. I natually pick things apart until they turn into several basic essences from which some sort of "truth" or "action plan" arises. Depending on context, this method of living is very useful and also very dangerous.
My career depends on me being constantly analytical. Constantly evaluating the effects a decision will have on the specific issue I'm facing, as well as the overall objectives of the hospital and any political implications. Constantly evaluating the technical details of a problem or solution in terms of reliability, legality and timeliness. Without my powerful analytical skills I would not be at this comfortable and safe place in my life.
By the same token, without my analytical habits I would most likely be enjoying life more. Being analytical means taking a step back, it means viewing life in terms of problems and choices. It means weighing the possible good against the possible harm. Something as simple as taking a walk outside involves weighing enjoyment against safety and comfort. Does the enjoyment of a walk justify the thousands of potential risks that arise?
Pure analytical thought always leans on the side of safety and comfort. Being a hermit, sheltering yourself, numbing yourself always wins over risk taking and pleasure seeking.
I have come to realize that logic is a double edged sword. Analytical thought definately has its place, but applying it to everything causes more harm than good. Until the recent past I lived my life purely through analysis. I've taken a step back and reviewed all possiblities before stepping forward in every aspect of my life.
I am a biological creature living in the midst of other biological creatures. As advanced as we have become technologically, we are still animals who are designed to take steps forward and never step back. If I reject my humanity, then I will never be able to find true happiness.
I am allowing myself the freedom to not analyze everything. There are times when I will need to rely on analysis, but there are also times where I need to trust my instinct and walk blindly forward. This is nature.
----------------
Time to digress a little. Its strange analyzing analysis. Well, I take that back, it sounds strange on paper...analyzing analysis. But its really not strange at all. Its not an endless loop, it doesn't cause anything to cave in. I'm analyzing something, and it just so happens that the thing I'm analyzing is analysis itsself.
Anyway, enough about analysis or to be more precise: Enough about analyzing the analysis of analysis. I better be careful or this could indeed turn into an endless loop (analyzing the analysis of analysis of analysis of analysis.....etc)
Ironically, this is exactly what I'm trying to get away from. So enough analysis, you just have to cut the thread and move onto something else. The expression of abstract concepts is only an entertaining mental exercise. The good stuff, the stuff that is actually about my life, the stuff that could improve my personal experience of life is the stuff above the ------.
-----------------
Digression #2
At this point I'm a little drunk, so its rambling time. Everything inside goes out somewhere.
I say that, but when I really look inside myself theres nothing there. And thats not a bad revelation. Its so beautiful that there is nothing inside because that means I can focus my attention entirely on the outside again. Not in the sense of analyzing the outside, but in the sense of experiencing everything without being muddled my the concept of my ego.
In other words, in this state I exist entirely for the experience of thoughts running through my head and fingers pushing keys. My consciousness is poured out here.
Damn, I'm getting too analytical again. This is nature also.
Time to cut the thread. (DJ time!!)
I haven't thought like this in a while....
I've come to a realization. I dull too many elements of my life out. Right now, I'm taking the easy comfortable road rather than the
hard exciting one.
I use beer to dull pain and responsibility. I get drunk and just sit around at home instead of going out and living my life.
I get lost inside music to the point of non-existance. Instead of actively experiencing it.
At work I don't push myself anymore, I just do enough to get by.
I've substituted a deep understanding of who I am with this "Zen Lite" crap. I'm not really living my life. I'm just floating by on
autopilot.
I need to get out there. I need to take risks. I need to push myself. I need to live again.
Instead of retreating from challenges I need to stand up and face them head on. Else life will just pass by.
FUCK THIS SHIT, IM MAKING A CHANGE, STARTING NOW!
Lethargic energy, runners high. This is the exploration of finding a sense of purpose and energy at the point of total exhaustion.
Can you find it too?
Steve Forte Rio - A New Dawn
Sonar System - Played a Live(Tiestosteron Edit)
Steve May - Sublimate(Breaks Mix)
Slavic Force - Ginger
Stu Allen vs. Barley - Sensation (Audioscape Vocal Remix)
Ronski Speed - The Face we are
Leon Bolier Presents Inner Stories - Beyond
Refined.
So, life is different now. I've made a conscious decision to change the way I live life. My main goal now has shifted from attaining carreer goals to finding a mate.
I need to break free from the mental bonds that restrain my action. I need to be more outgoing. I need to learn to approach women and talk to them. To aid with this I have started a course in how to become a pick-up artist. I've studied for many weeks now and believe I know all that can be learned from a textbook. The next step is to put these skills to use. To go out and not be afraid to do it badly.
I expect it will take many weeks to calibrate my social skills with humanity. I've spent so long avoiding it, I hardly have any skills to speak of.
Through focused work, my social skills will approve.
I have a feeling I will always be somewhere near the hermit/recluse end of the social spectrum, but that shouldn't stop me from improving and eventually finding a mate.
This will be the year that I evolve into a more social animal. (and grow my sense of humor)
---------------------------------------------------
That aside, what else is going on?.... My work life has gotten much better. We recently got a new director and she kicks ass. We are the perfect combination: She takes care of all the political stuff which lets my focus on the purely technical side. This is exactly where I want to be in my career. It feels strange to be at the same job for so long, but I can't leave, its too good; its all candy.
Other than that?.....I've stopped with formal meditation and adopted an attitude of "Zen Light". I find zen through my daily activities rather than through meditation. The zen isn't as deep as with meditation; but I still can find "the void".
I'm trying to not be so much in my head all the time. Its natural for me to be in my head, but I'm trying to stay more in the moment...with people especially.
It was about 80 degrees Friday. It was so nice, a preview of summer. God I hate this cold Texas weather.
Fake summer Friday inspired mix: