All this energy and nothing to put it into.
Just existing.
It has silently returned. That incessant feeling of hunger. My mind becomes heavy and afflicted.
I cram everything into it trying to find relief. I drink and become stuck with certain tired concepts. I keep walking down the same road expecting to find something different. I consume everything around me trying to satisfy the hunger.
It keeps increasing in scale, it constantly wants more and more. Even though I feed it; it always hungers.
Even worse: The more I feed it, the more it hungers. A hungry ghost whose attempts to eat only make it hungrier.
This is not the answer. Consuming, flailing, is not the answer.
Just today I have resolved my hunger. The answer is not to consume; but to take my mind in another direction... the hunger can only be fed indirectly. Don't seek substance, seek the ether, seek the void.
Seek the place in your mind where there is nothing.
Inside nothingness my mind takes care of itsself. It moves freely without restraint, it knows exactly what it needs and it knows exactly how to get it. Anything I try to force onto it, either emotionally or physically becomes burdensome.
Only in absolute nothingness does the hunger subside. Inside nothingness the hunger feeds itsself.
-----------------------------
Staring at carpet
Emptyness
Fullness
Electricity pours from sunset, the mind races.
All this energy and nothing to put it into.
Just existing.
Feeling content. No need to go anywhere or do anything. Peace inside.
Feeling inspired, given a medium, creativity will naturally slip out.
My motorcycle is not the only way to enjoy life.
Within the comfort zone, but not clinging to anything.
For this moment riding the edge of experience instant by instant.
--------------------
The monk opened his eyes and saw the sun shining off the floor in front of him.
--------------------
The man opened his eyes and saw a reflection of nothingness in the words he created.
Needing some adventure. Weekends are starting to feel dull.
Not feeling any inspiration. Nothing pulling hard in any direction.
When I ride my motorcycle, I find peace. Hard to find other fulfilling activity.
Safely within the comfort zone, clinging to material things; nothing exciting happens.
For this moment I have lost the true nature of existence.
You find yourself a refugee. Everything was taken from you. Not only material posessions but your cherished mental states as well.
You have become a dull grey negative of the vibrant photo you were. You want to recapture the things you lost but are unable to find them. You want to inject color back into your life. But your just grasping at air, there is nothing to hold onto. No path to follow. Lost in the darkness of existence.
You leave your home. Changing locations your routine cycle of living has been broken, this at least opens up the possibility of your mind changing.
Day after day it is only you. Everything is a struggle. Finding a place to live, providing food for yourself, meeting people. Trying to sell yourself in this strange city is a war you wage every day.
Your environment turns you into an object, a product. You can hardly feel the emotions you experience inside, they just slip out of your body unconsciously.
In this mental state its hard to separate life from death.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The months pass and you make progress. Small traces of emotion flicker for fleeting moments. Soon you grasp them, you hold them close for however long they exist.
Slowly, you begin to live your life again. Slowly, the color begins to return. The smile you carry arises from the depths of your soul and ceases to be window dressing.
You allow yourself to feel again. You allow emotions to swallow you up and become your experience of life instead of them silently passing through you.
This is what everyday is like now.
The photo will never be exactly the way you remember it. There is no way to recapture the exact pose, or the look in the eyes. But the photo you have is beautiful and real.
The fire burned for so long.
It wasn't a painful fire, but a fire of boredom and dullness. The monk had rejected pain.
A numb hand only feels pressure.
In this state of rejection the monk had lost the moment. He had unlearned his fundamental understanding of existence and was instead lost inside a maelstrom of thought.
The monk thought back to his training; he took a deep breath, focusing on the breath and forgetting it at the same time.
Suddenly, something changed. All feeling came back immediatly after eons of suffocating numbness. The vastness of the world spread out before the monk. The fire burned again, pure pain.
Full awareness of each fleeting moment was all the monk needed...
So these past few weeks my life has changed a lot. I'm living in a different way now. Not thinking as much, just doing.
My creative energy comes out in ways other than text. I don't really feel motivation to type things out at this point. Maybe in the future
that will change. Doing things in real life, interacting with other people instead of turning inward. Its an easy, shallow way of life.
There is no bull and there is no man. There is not even reflection at this point. A dark, unfathomable lake at midnight.
Floating on the breeze.
Spring is finally turning into summer. Things are moving again. The beer tastes better, everything seems lighter and freer.
My life has had some recent major changes. I'm staying up later, I feel a greater sense of purpose outside of work. Its strange, there was nothing big that caused this change. Just a small insignificant thing.
I discovered a website where I can DJ and communicate with people. Its like living another life, it makes my mind go away. It absorbs everything. Somehow, it makes things seem more real, it opens a connection that has been turned off for a long time.
Anyways, My Livevideo
Trying to do a live show every week at least. Its something that allows me to 'be in the moment' with the focus being on other people. Its a very good tool to improve my skills.
Also, there are other interesting people, my favorites are:
PhotoJenic
PansyWarriorPrincess
BlackNerd
For now, life is good, even if its being lived in a fake world.
Meditation after being lost in that world is much stronger, the pull of reality is more immediate and observable. Like straining catfish that have been in a fryer for eons. The experience of existence becomes clearer now.
The rat slowly opened its eyes. Still dark. A small enclosed space. He had been there for days. Dehydration and hunger started to creep in.
Outside the rat heard the rythmic sound of the rain. How he wanted so much to get that rain, but he was in a dry place. Not even the slightest hint of moisture.
The rat folded its legs into the standard form of meditation and began breathing deeply. In the darkness, his eyes were slits. His mind became nothing.
So things are now back where they we're before. I'm back in "normal mode". The other me that floats through the clouds is back with 2 feet on the ground. Well, maybe 1 + 1/2.
The air today is electric. The energy from the passing storm stores itsself inside my body for a brief moment. It finds its way out through my fingers, only to return through my ears.
Yes, the post travel ups and downs are evened out by a weather inspired mix (caution: there will be trainwrecks, but they cancel each other out somehow (~20min)).
Click to hear mix
Rank 1 - Awakening
Armin Van Buuren vs Rank 1 - This World is Watching Me
Cosmic Gate - Analog Feel
Joop - The Future
Pierre Pienaar - This is Where We Are(DJ Space Raven Remix)
Stephen J. Kroos - Formalistic
Above & Beyond - Far from in Love
These are memories.
Ah this sucks. Got home a few hours ago, long 10 hour drive from Pensacola to Dallas. The euphoria of traveling has now worn off. It feels like I just ditched I girl I loved. Terrible, bitter feeling.
This must be what great performers feel after a concert. I just want to keep the euphoria going somehow. I'm addicted to that feeling like a drug. The feeling of being out on the roads in strange towns, getting into adventures; the feeling of being at a huge trance event.
I've been watching youtube video of UMF '08 trying to rekindle some memories, but its just not the same as being there.
I need to find some other thing to fill the void. Something I can get lost in.
I know ideas like that counter Zen. The idea of being in the moment regardless of how good the past was. Simply letting memories of happiness and visions of the future wash wherever they go. Becoming 100% aware in the moment of where you are and what your doing.
The fact is, I can go there now, I could take a few steady breaths and focus on the now, but there is a part of me that continues to reach for that euphoric feeling like a small child that doesn't get what it wants.
Of course my reaching for a feeling won't change anything, it will just put me in a state of longing, the state of the hungry ghost. But, just now, in the course of typing this I'm starting to sink into the now.
Yes, I have some nice trance music playing in the background. A few beers in my stomach. The past and the future don't matter, only now. This moment....
