So yea cool. I blew through those interviews. I think I have a pretty good shot
at both of them. Its kinda weird though. It’s a choice between two very
On one hand we have a major Dallas hospital that is way understaffed for its size. I could expect a nice constant workload. I would be supporting the doctors, nurses and other staff. Their focus is on customer service, it is an environment where stress levels run high, peoples lives are on the line. I must be able to satisfy the doctors and nurses needs fully so they can go save lives without doubt that their computers will be there to back them up.
On the other hand we have a large telecom company. Lots of stuff to do, but less focus on customer service, more focus on getting the job done right. The things people do here with computers ARE what generates business, computers there are not simply a tool to aid in some other goal. So here there would be a lot more pressure on me to perform and not necessarily satisfy.
I can thrive equally in either environment, so it just comes down to a matter of who wants me the most and I will figure that out next week.
I need a shrink I think. She keeps coming back to me in my mind and it hurts. I’m starting to think that this feeling isn’t just caused by certain people, rather, it is a fire that is always burning inside me. It sucks.
I know eventually it will burn lower, for the time being I can only throw crap on top of it to hide it. The damn fire keeps burning through.
Time to throw more crap on it.
Ah, there she is again. But is it really her, or is it just you. She appears and disappears at a whim.
So go on again, dig into a memory. You like doing that don’t you? Its almost as if you could touch or hear her again.
It makes the fire grow and you like the feeling of it, but you hate it because it is just a feeling. You want to make it real again, you want to give it substance. You want her to magically appear. But you really don’t believe in magic do you?
Is your own mind such a mystery to you? Sure, you understand you can’t control it, but why can’t you understand anything else?
Go on, I’m done. Go hide the fire with something else.
Ah, so the action is ramping up again, good!
Today I put my resume on “heavy infantry” mode. Before this I was in “sniper” mode, I would just apply for jobs that matched all of my perfect job criteria. In “heavy infantry” mode I released my resume onto all those job search sites.
I got two calls about 3 hours after entering this full release mode. So tomorrow I have two interviews. I never expected it to happen this fast. But I’m ready. A little bit of nervous energy, but I’m good to go. Just gotta get in there and execute. I love interviews, the action of selling yourself. Good stuff.
I think the problem with most people today is that they don’t realize their body is dualistic in nature. There is the leader and the troops. The leader IS you, its that voice in your head. The troops are the rest of your body, your feelings, your emotions, your organs, skin, tissue. Some people don’t understand this, they let their emotions control their actions, they fight with themselves, they endure constant struggle, a leader at war with his soldiers.
As a leader it is your responsibility to keep the troops in line while at the same time earning their trust and love. You cannot directly effect them, all you can do is change the situation they are exposed to and hope they act the way you expected. You can place yourself in a restaurant to get food, you can talk to yourself to get cranked up about something or drink a few beers to calm down. You do all this as you need to in order to survive.
Fighting directly with the troops will only lead to self destruction, the troops will do what they do. It is your job to see what effects the troops certain ways and then move into the situations that effects them so as necessary. A leader cannot overwhelm the will of his troops by pure force.
Example: I get tired and shit sometimes. Pondering why I am tired won’t help. Trying to think myself untired won’t help. So I gotta yell to myself, “Break it down!” “Break it down!” all while clapping my hands (ever listen to Loveline?). And it works. Thoughts don’t make you more than human. Human is nothing more than an animal. Animals are tamed through action, not thought. Tame yourself.
I love this shit. This, here, right now, is me organizing my troops. In the battleground there is no room to form such elaborate strategy, you have to form your plans at camp. When you get out on the field you can only enter into the pure action of it, stratigizing there will only lead to hesitation which will get you killed.
Ah, there she is again, lying next to me in bed. But now I can’t feel her.
Her form is still there, but where is the content. Where is the emotion.
I realize now that the her that lay next to me in bed after she left was only my mind reflecting upon itself.
Everything she gives me when she isn’t here doesn’t come from her….it comes from me.
I had some strong feelings and emotions that I wanted to turn into words. But the second I sat down to type this they evaporated.
Now I feel listless, no emotion, but I wish it would come back, I miss it.
I have a premonition that after I type this and lay down it will come back and haunt me. Maybe if I dig it up now I can kill it and rest easy tonight. But it seems buried too deep. My shovel can’t dig that far yet, maybe I could rent a back-hoe. But that would be expensive right? And so late I can’t afford to wake up the neighbors.
So what then? Can I pretend to dig it up, can I just rehash it and remember it. An empty memory.
Or maybe I am going about this all wrong. Maybe I am trying to attack the problem too directly, maybe I can only skirt around it. Maybe I can just embrace the dull blue glow of the full moon on-top of the emotional grave, leave some flowers and walk away.
Is this right? Is this the way?
Maybe and maybe not, but it seems right and that is enough.
You find yourself with her again. From memory you read her a story you wrote. Laying side by side she rests her beautiful head on your shoulder. It makes you feel empowered. Like nothing else matters. You feel your voice deepen and take on a measure of absolute truth. You are no longer just saying words, the words pour from your soul; she brought this out of you. You share it with her happily.
But then you begin forgetting words, entire paragraphs vanish. You try with all your strength to pull them off the pages in your mind. You want to share your story with her in its truest state, but with no other option you resort to ad-lib. You fabricate bits and pieces together, it feels incomplete, a sunset without color or fresh air. The picture you are trying to make for her isn’t right. You can’t share it with her properly, but you finish it anyways.
She loves it. She says she loves your writing and rolls over, straddling your leg. She whispers in your ear, she wants you to write a story for her. You look down at her beautiful smiling face, a happy sigh of air escapes your mouth in the form of a slight laugh. You can’t remember ever feeling this happy.
She gets offended and thinks you are laughing at her. With a serious tone you say that you weren’t laughing at her. With a look of genuine concern she asks why you laughed. You tell her that you only laugh when you are happy. Her face relaxes. She rolls on top of you and playfully bites your nipple.
You throw her off and roll on top of her, remembering that she likes it when you are on top. She wraps her legs around you, without asking you lose yourself inside her for a few minutes. Inside her she moans and whispers sweet things in your ear, moving faster and faster, a beautiful animalistic state. You feel as if you and her are the same person, you forget who you are. But, then its over, it seemed too fast. You silently roll off of her and throw the spent condom away.
You lay beside her again, but now you feel empty. You want to make her happy, but you don’t know how…………….
You find yourself alone in the dark. The full moon shines in from the window. You wish there was no moon so you could lose yourself in the darkness. You finally wrote the story she wanted, but now you can’t read it to her.
Wow, so Im kicking ass now. I got through the first two levels of interviews
for a major software company. I'm feeling pretty good about this. My last two
interviews were over the phone with the corporate headquarters in
Massachusetts, the final interview will be in Dallas at some undisclosed time
in the future.
This job sounds like it will kick ass. First, I get a 9 week training session in Mass with paid car, hotel and airplane. They will teach me the ins and outs of their software. After that I go back to Dallas and start working. I get to drive around to different companies and install/integrate/upgrade their stuff. I get to mess around in server rooms and offices. It sounds like it will kick ass.
I get $400 a month compensation for using my personal vehicle on top of my pay. Which we haven't discussed yet, but shouldn't be too bad.
Now the question is if I should continue dedicating my energy to the job search or wait until the interview is over. If I continue and end up getting the job it will be a waste of time, but on the other hand, if I don't get the job I'll have something to fall back on. For sure I'm going through with the A+ test on Friday, even if I don't need it.
Well, I guess before I do anything I need to calm the fuck down. Im all hyper/excited/happy and shit. My arms are shaking.
This is the problem that happens when the lines between home and work blur. You find it hard to relax at home. Forgive me for being so crass, but its like having a raging hard-on and no way to get it off.
Wow, Ive been pretty busy lately. This weekend was mostly filled by me
replacing the front shocks in my car. Damn, that took a looong time, probably
around 20 hours or so total. I seriously need to clean up the garage, spending
an hour digging through piles of tools and garbage for a 15MM socket is insane.
Right at the end of my little adventure, about 7PM last night, I discovered a small shiny piece of metal sticking out of the belt tensioner pully, it didn't look right. I spent about an hour fucking with it until Tommy and Allen came over and got it out. Taking out this little piece of metal destroyed the tensioner. So today I have to hike up to Autozone and get another one, I was going to do it this morning, but Im too damn tired. So I think I'll wait until 6 or 7 PM.
Yea, this weekend has been pretty cool, constant work. It got my mind off things. It reminded me of the healing powers of a job. Like allowing you to forget about women for a little while.
Yea I got the action goin good again. I figured out how to be an independent
computer repair technician. I just do contract work now. Its pretty sweet, so
far no contracts but I have someone working with me to bring them to me.
But thats not all, I am still continuing the job search while this is happening. Contract work is just a good temporary fix. The work comes in small little packets and I can easily finish a contract and start a full time job at any time. It feels like I have this badass safety net I can just chill in while attempting to jump across a large gap. Or that I have a strong foundation for a building and all I have to do is build on top of it.
My need for pain has been satisfied this way. So now I can enjoy the simple things again. I was watching TV "after work" and I wasn't just watching it, I was absorbed in it again. Just like a few months ago. Its pretty fucking sweet. Of course I understand the things in life that are temporary, but I hope this feeling will remain.
Im going to ask Lauren out for coffee or something small like that to see if we can still hang. I don't feel dependent on her anymore for happiness, but I still like her. I want to see if I can get her back. If not, no prob, I can move on easily now I think. But if yes, it would be badass to have her again, happiness on top of happiness isn't a bad thing.
Man, this whole weekend has been pretty cool. Since Friday Ive been taking it
easy on the drink. I dont know if this is whats making me feel better of if its
just a concidence, but Im gonna take it easy with beer from now on. I used to
think beer was the gateway to happiness, that I couldn't really be myself
without beer, but now I understand. Beer just takes away some of the mental
blocks I used to place upon myself. But now Im learning to fight the blocks
with a sober mind. I dont need to rely on beer for happiness.
Next, I called Lauren and wished her voice mail happy birthday. To my surprise she called me back and we talked it was pretty nice. I like the girl no matter what, I can live with being just friends or talking every once in a while. She makes me happy.
This 2 week break Ive had from her was a good thing. I understand how relationships work now. In my mind, I need to reserve some of myself for myself. Before, I was too dependent, I imagined how bad my life is without her, etc, etc.. and caused all the serious pain and shit. This made me want her like a heroin addict wanting his next fix. It felt like she was the only thing that could make me happy and I called it love. I will now approach relationships with more of a carefree attitude. To not be so attached. I will take the energy and desire she gives me and channel it into something other than a need for more. Yes, this is the answer.
I can go about my life as normal, and she can enter anytime she wants. Why should it be anymore complicated than that?
Happiness comes from the inside anyways. Keep it simple, keep it happy.
I’ve come to some new realizations about my life in general.
Happiness for me is only found in the midst of pain. Without pain things get bland: the Frosted Flakes don’t taste as good, driving is monotonous, Star Wars Galaxies is boring, The Apprentice II isn’t as enjoyable, the slight buzz beer gives you on a Thursday night isn’t as relaxing.
I know this because I am experiencing it now. My life was once full of pain: the pain of waking up to 12 hours of work/school/commute, the pain of not having much time to myself, the pain of forced interaction with others in a professional setting. During this time in my life I could take great satisfaction in the things I take for granted now.
When my life was full every moment spent at home with myself was golden. It was like a gift from god, being able to just sit on the couch and not worry too much about what was going on around me. This was pure happiness. This was the ultimate meaning of life.
In my life now, without pain, everything is becoming bland. However, I am trying to inject pain into my life, I spend 3 hours a day searching for a job, I endlessly do household chores, car repair, ceiling repair. I am trying to create pain again, but it isn’t really working.
I am unable to provide for myself the amount of pain I need to take satisfaction from the simple things in life. It seems this pain can only come from some outside source. I believe that only a job can provide the kind of pain that I need.
Yet, in knowing this there is still something stopping me from running out and grabbing the first job I see. Laziness, the false belief that where I am is the best place I could possibly be. I know that where I am now would be better if I went out and grabbed a job in retail, lawn maintenance or janitorial service, but I can’t do that yet, I am still holding onto the notion that my degree will get me somewhere better than that. That there is an even greater form of pain I can bring upon myself, pain mixed with the pleasure of doing something I genuinely want to do.
At some point in time I will find this ideal state of existence. The jobs are out there and I have the proper credentials, it is just a matter of time before I land my ideal job. All I have to do is suck it up and trudge through this bland hell for an undetermined amount of time.
I wonder how bland things will get before pain puts the flavor back into life? To what lengths will I go other that a job to achieve this pain? Certainly, I could exist as I am now indefinitely, but this is not an ideal state of existence.
Where is the satisfaction? I dig really hard to just find these little traces of it, little empty fake satisfaction. I want the full bodied satisfaction that knocks you on your ass in a drooling state of ecstasy, the satisfaction that I found in the midst of work and school many months ago.
Yes, it is only a matter of time before I realize this state again. I can hold onto hope. Hope can allow me to realize at least some of the flavor.
Ah, the job search is going pretty good. I got a good hit yesterday for a cool
proprietary field tech support job. I got an e-mail reply asking if I am
willing to relocate, I said no. I don't know if that was a deal breaker or if I
have an interview coming up soon, either way it feels good to get a response.
Right now I'm in laser mode. Instead of broadly distributing my resume I just seek jobs that fit exactly what Im looking for and then tailor a resume and cover letter for them. Very precise, what I loose in terms of quantity I make up in terms of quality.
Its kind of frustrating though, spending about 3 hours each day digging through the new job postings, sometimes I spend all this time and can't even find one job to apply for. Its not very satisfying to waste time like this, but when I do find something to apply for it feels pretty damn good. Im sure my perfect job exists in the future somewhere.
In other news, I have started up an obsession of another actresses to fill the emotional holes. Milla Jovovich, an attractive Russian born actress. Shes cool because she posts stuff thats going on in her life on this fan site Millaj.com, she seems pissed off or emotional most of the time, probably because of a screwed up childhood. But shes into zen and metaphysics and stuff like that, she also says she lives like a hermit. Its easy for me to relate to her, she seems like a real person and not fake at all. One of my favorite quotes of hers is: "I know that nothing I do matters one fucking bit. In the end I'm going to be rotting in the ground just like everyone else." For some reason these words give me power.
Ah, I was going to add more to my Japan Rehash story, but I lost my motivation.
I feel so distant from that time now, I can't get back into it. I read over
what I had so far and I didn't feel it, nothing. The story didn't even seem to
be about me, it could have been anyone. The memories are too far faded after
only a month.
My memories of Lauren are fading too. Im at the point where the pain seems distant, our relationship was just some dream I had a long time ago and its slowly disappearing from memory. This is an important defense mechanism we have as humans, the ability to forget and move on. I wouldn't want to spend my life stuck with all those memories, no matter how good they were.
Yes, I have gone insane again. But in this insanity I see an opportunity to
take the lessons I have learned and turn them into wisdom.
I believe that relationships with women can be broken down into a set of concrete rules, advice and strategy. Sun Tsu was the master of war. He was a great general during the warring states period of China. After fighting for many years he turned his methods into a book, he called it "The Art of War". I believe that relationships with women are much like a war, many of the tactics he condones can be modified for use in relationships.
I will take his strategy and modify it to be used against women in relationships.
1. Strategic Assessments
Sun: Military action is important to the nation - it is the ground of life and death, the path of survival and destruction, so it is important to examine it.
Me: Relationships with women are important to the individual because they are a matter of happiness and sadness. The satisfaction you gain or lose from your life is very dependent on relationships. If you find yourself in a relationship you must examine it or risk emotional distress.
Sun: Therefore measure in terms of five things, use these assessments to make comparisons, and thus find out what the conditions are. The five things are the way, the weather, the terrain, the leadership and the discipline.
Me: The five vital things are: her looks, her personality, external forces that act on her, the environment and your discipline. You must make sure her looks fit your desires, then you must analyze her personality to see what things effect her certain ways (e.g. rain makes her cry), next you must look at what things surround her life (e.g. other relationships), then you must take into account the environment that will surround the two of you. Finally, you must analyze your self to make sure you have the discipline to control yourself despite intense desire. Only then can you begin to think about entering into a relationship.
You must dig into her heart to see how she works before taking any action. You must develop a system of rewards and punishments to control her appropriately.
Sun: The way means inducing the people to have the same aim as the leadership, so they will share death, share life, without fear of danger.
Me: The way to proper victory is to make sure both your mind and body are aligned for the same purpose. Your mind must move without fear of getting hurt and your body must follow along without seeking to please itself. An untamed body will lead the mind astray and cause disaster.
Sun: The weather means the seasons.
Me: You should not seek a relationship at an improper time. If your mind and body are not prepared, do not move. If only your body wishes satisfaction, do not move. If she is unstable and wavering in her desires, do not move. If she is with another, do not move. “Don’t go into another’s territory at an unfavorable time”.
Sun: The terrain is to be assessed in terms of distance, difficulty or ease of travel, dimension and safety.
Me: The environment of your relationship must be properly assessed. How easy would it be to withdraw from the relationship? How much time must you spend with her? What words must you say? How much pain are you risking? This is very important.
Sun: Leadership is a matter of intelligence, trustworthiness, humaneness, courage and sternness.
Me: You must possess these qualities in order to lead yourself into a relationship correctly. Intelligence to properly gauge the situation. Trust in yourself so you can move with no second guessing. Humaneness to not be too harsh on either her or yourself. Courage to push forward even in difficult times. Sternness to keep her in check appropriately, to not lose your balls to your desires. These are important.
Sun: Discipline means organization, chain of command and logistics.
Me: To have discipline you must have a calm mind, a backup plan and outside help.
Sun: Every general has heard of these 5 things. Those that know them prevail, those who do not know them do not prevail.
Me: These 5 things are the essence of a relationship. You must know them in order to protect yourself from emotional pain.
Sun: Therefore use these assessments for comparison, to find out what the conditions are. That is to say, which political leadership has the way? Which general has ability? Who has the better climate and terrain? Whose discipline is effective? Whose troops are stronger? Whose officers and soldiers are better trained? Whose system of punishments and rewards are clearer? This is how you can know who will win.
Me: Before entering into a relationship you must ask yourself many questions in order to determine if it can be successful. You must not commit to a relationship where there are many uncorrectable factors working against you.
Sun: Assess the advantages in taking advice, then structure your forces accordingly, to supplement extraordinary tactics. Forces are to be structured strategically, based on what is advantageous.
Me: Observe the events as they take place, and then plan your words and actions accordingly. React appropriately to the events as they unfold. Do not base your decisions on what you do not observe.
Sun: A military operation involves deception. Even though you are competent, appear incompetent. Though effective, appear ineffective.
Me: A relationship involves a measure of deception. Though sad, appear happy. Though happy, appear sad. You can use happiness and sadness to draw her in closer. Force her to come after you, so you will be better able to protect yourself.
Sun: When you are going to attack nearby, make it look as if you are going to go a long way; when you are going to attack far away, make it look as if you are only going a short distance.
Me: Hide your actions. Surprise her to lower her guard, and then you can safely move in.
Sun: Draw them in by the prospect of gain, take them by confusion.
Me: Make yourself appear desirable to draw her in and then overwhelm her.
Sun: When they are fulfilled, be prepared against them; when they are strong, avoid them.
Me: Never attempt to get into a relationship with someone who does not need to depend on you. Only get into a relationship when conditions are favorable for you.
Sun: Use anger to throw them into disarray.
Me: After drawing her in, use anger to weaken her. If used properly you can disrupt her strategy so she will proceed carelessly and then move in.
Sun: Use humility to make her haughty
Me: Appear weak, let her think she has won. She will slack off, then you can move in.
Sun: Tire them by flight.
Me: Once you have drawn her in detach yourself from her somewhat and make her come back to you, this will give you power.
Sun: Cause division among them.
Me: Break up connections between her and her friends, then she will have to rely on you for support.
Sun: Attack when they are unprepared, attack when they do not expect it.
Me: At the first sign of disinterest, then move in with full force. Make your move when a hole opens up.
Sun: The formation and procedure used by the military must not be divulged before hand.
Me: Let your strategy have no shape. Do not let her know what you are planning. Do not say what you are doing before hand.
Sun: The one who figures on victory at headquarters before even doing battle is the one who has the most strategic factors on his side. The one who figures on inability to prevail at headquarters before doing battle is the one who has the least strategic factors on his side. The one with many strategic favors in his favor wins, the one with few strategic favors loses – how much the more so for one with no strategic factors in his favor. Observing the matter in this way, I can see who will win and who will lose.
Me: Before the relationship you must assess her and plan accordingly. You must be confident of your ability to escape without mental injury before even taking the first step towards her. You must be sure that there are many factors working for you. This is the only way to succeed with a woman.
Well, that is our first chapter. The remaining chapters go into too much detail, its hard to extract meaningful information from them, though it could be done. I seem to have exhausted my creative energy for today.
A good way to put it: Never let your guard down when your with a woman. Never submit to her. Keep a major portion of yourself for yourself at all times.
Keep your entire body on your side, only extend a hand to her side. Never jump over to her side completely, at least until a great amount of time has passed.
In my relationship I jumped over to her side too fast. She seduced me with kind words like, “your cute”, “I love you”, “We can practice sex as long as you want”, “I can’t believe your fucking me”, “I have a schoolgirls uniform”, “I don’t want to get hurt again”, refering to me as her boyfriend in conversation, licking my ears, smiling, staring, etc…
Her strategy was to submit to my every desire and appear weak, this made me feel safe, like I could avoid the pain, so I jumped over to her side. She used me for support for a week and then threw me back out on my ass.
Ah, so here we are again. Endlessly rewinding. I just watched "The Girl Next
Door" and realized that I had a girl like that for a while. Beautiful, nice,
caring, etc ..... and then I threw it all away.
Thats right, it was my fault. I fucked up. I tried to repair the damage, but it was too late. I try to convince my self of little things like, "youll find someone else", "life goes on", "she wasn't everything". But the fact still remains. For a moment in my life I was happy like that, everything else is just me trying to mitigate the damage that her memory causes. I'm sure over the next few years there will be good days and bad days. Sometimes it will grip my soul and pull it into the darkness, other days it will just pass like wind through grass. It feels just like the death of a close relative and I am sure it will play out that way.
I am on a constant search to find something to distract me from the pain.
I wish I could rewind my life. Back before her, when I was just getting back from Japan without a care in the world. Or back to California where I could drink wine with steak every night and soak in a hot tub, planning the cities I would visit next. Things like this can make the pain go away.
She showed me things I couldn't ever grasp even in my warmest dreams, and now I am waking up to a harsh reality where I cause all of my own problems. What an ironic twist, I go around blaming everyone else for all the problems in my life only to discover that I am the cause of them all.
So great, now we have established this. I am experiencing a hell that I created for myself. How do I dig through it? How do I dig through the muddy fiery pain? How do I cross the bridge of embers back to my life as normal?
No answer is apparent. I can only hope to find a job soon and bury my pain with it, or maybe just for tonight another beer? Is insanity the only answer?, being so straight up doesn't seem to be working for me too well. Or maybe I can meditate more, maybe thats it, I can just hide everything inside a void only to have it come out again. Or maybe I can just type away in my journal in an attempt to expel it from my body and imagine people reading it and seeing my pain, then she will appear again, back to save me, a goddess with endless compassion, will that work?
Why should I depend on a compassionate goddess when I cause my own problems. The goddess came and I pushed her away. Life doesn't work like that, you can't do all these things to youself and then expect her to come save you. I do not deserve the goddess. I am destined to live in the hell of suffering I cause myself.
But I will die one day, at some point all this will end. I can take comfort in that. All this electricity in my brain will no longer manifest itsself as pain, it will simply cease to exist. At some point the pain will come out no more.