Wow, Looks like I forgot one part of my life equation..... I was gonna go into
a big rant about how crappy my life is but I just read 4d0rE page 55. I can't
really complain now.
Sure I'm stressed out and all, a little sad about failing a test, lots of projects and exams to study for and no time do it in because of work. But it doesn't make me feel so bad. I'm not taking these feelings to the physical level yet, the actual emotions just aren't that intense. Maybe having a somewhat dulled sense of emotion isn't such a bad thing after all. Sure I cant feel the highs, but then again I will never have to wallow in the lows.
Ah, time for some beer, tomorrow work and study
Its cool how I have all these thoughts, and I think to myself "man, I should put that in my diary so I can keep it forever". But then when I go to type it I think the throughts again and think, "hmm, thats not so cool anymore, it sounded a lot cooler a few hours ago when I thought of it".
Wow, so I graduate with a degree in Computer Science in about 7 months. Its
hard to imagine life without school, it has become such an integral part of my
life through all these years. I have learned so much about everything. My mind
feels fast and clean, not sluggish at all as it was when college started.
I remember when learning was so hard, I struggled so much. I just wanted it to be over. But now I am on top of it. I enjoy the control I have over it. Like a child who has learned to walk and even run.
But in a few months I will lose this. I will lose my power of walking and will be thrust back onto the ground. I will have to learn to crawl again. I will have to learn how to feel powerful in life, I will need something else to make me feel special.
That is why I have decided to take a trip overseas, maybe for a few weeks or months after I graduate. Specifically, I have decided to work on a farm in Japan in exchange for room and board. When I think of the freedom I will have and the new obstacles I will overcome it makes my blood rush. So many new things to learn and overcome.
Then perhaps I will return to the US and seek a job. What I really want to do is program, its just that the job market is flooded now. Hopefully, when I return from overseas it will look brighter.
This is my plan now.
Two days ago I consumed 2g of shrooms.
The experience itsself was many things.
At first, I had already had a 40 and a beer or two. I was pretty drunk and went into "exploration" mode. I had the urge to do something new. I happened to be within asking distance of these mushrooms so I took advantage.
They tasted and smelled like dirty feet. However, they had the texture of hardened marshmellows. I had to chew them a lot in order to swallow them. At first I was sort of pissed, for the next 20min or so I felt no effects what so ever aside from the already existant drunkenness. But soon, things got wierd. I felt myself begin to sober up, very fast.
Time began to slow, I found myself in the kitchen conversing with people. Then I suffered what I can only describe now as an ego death. There was no me. The voice in my head that is my mind vanished and was replaced by something else.
My thoughts weren't so much a voice as an experience. My emotions and my physical body split into two seperate entities. I found my body wondering around, talking incessantly, mumbling anything and everything that came to my emotional mind moment by moment. It felt as if I had new emotions I had never felt before. I couldn't control them. Usually my emotions are a small controlled whisper just barely visible. That night my emotions were loud and untamed, I could not even think about controllng them. I became frightened when the lights were turned off and on, as if the sun had suddenly dissapeared from the sky. Every movement was repeated many times before it dissapeared from my visual field. I felt the urge to talk to people, I felt like I was in direct contact with them, not as seperate entities but as a part of myself.
I couldn't stop moving, I always had to be moving. Later on, I began to forget everything in periods of about 10 seconds. I would find myself in strange parts of the house, or talking to people I didn't remember starting a conversation with, or yelling at myself in the