It seems my little stomach flu experience was all for the good. I haven't had
anything to drink in a few weekends now, I'm starting to feel pretty good about
life in general.
Alcohol got me caught in a bad cycle. And my illness has allowed me to break free from it.
This is what I think, but often it is hard to attribute happiness to a single thing. It could have been that powerful meditation experience I had last week; sounds and the way lights play off the concrete in a dense fog. Or maybe my diet, I am beginning to spend more money on higher quality groceries as my bank account fills from my job. This happiness could even be due to something as mundane and uncontrollable as the weather. I love winter.
Learning to enjoy life, it comes naturally. Or is it a taste to get accustomed to, like beer?
In a warm place. Bright white lights, dull in the mist. Steps echo off empty gravel paths. Walking like a thin blade through a small glass of water. Breath, heavy, you feel solid.
Holy shit,. I havent been this fucked up in a few weeks. SO many thoughts, how
can I put them into a constant frame for me to rewind and enjoy at some other
Now there are people around, friends. I enjoy them. I am not sure what to do, like a lost.
Bleh, fuck all that shit, welcome to flavor country/
Ah, the semmester is almost over. Things are getting almost too peaceful.
Without any more large scale programming projects to do my brain is going into
withdrawls. It feels something like driving a Viper down a loong airport runway
but being limited to 20 miles an hour.
You start the car, it sounds all badass and stuff, and you take off to 20mph. Then its just RRRRRRRRRRR, a steady sound of the car and things passing you very slowly.
I want to take my brain and go 200 again as I was with programming. But I just don't have those kinds of things to do now. Its hard for me to think of good and intresting programming challenges so I am trying to move to something else I can go 200 on.
Considered picking up a stringed instrument, like a violen, I love the way they sound. But I can't seem to get around to it. Like I am about to order it off e-bay but something tells me noooo, and I lose all intrest in it.
Considered buying a lot of new ps2 games, but got that same nooo thing.
Considered buying anime but same deal.
I am not sure whats stopping me, whatever it is it ain't logical, its just a rogue emotion, too strong to fight. But its ironic that an emotion drew me to want to get these things in the first place, and then from the same place another emotion tells me not to. I am not sure what I should do about it.
Maybe tomorrow I will go out and hook up. Or maybe I should just get really wasted and buy a lot of shit spontaneously, yea try to stop me then emotions!
But sometimes being drunk causes more emotions. I need to get grabby drunk, not emotional drunk. Lets see what beer does that??... I cant remember, its been a while.
Oh well, I have a final in about an hour, maybe that will give me some satisfaction. One last nice run down the runway.
Its strange to think that this has just been one day of withdrawl. Is it that the first step is always the hardest and then it gets easier, is it all the same or will it just get harder?
Oh well time to hook up with some boring study action. Kind of like a tune up before the nice drive.
Words hit like chunks taken out of a solid block. Pure experience, this is the
ultimate state of human existance.
Things come and then they go like blue birds in the wind. Much more than anything.
People. Much more than anything. more important than anything. A moment to focus on something other than the self. A moment to experience another persons existance. So raw. Like happy chunks breaking off into the wind.
Fast like nothing I can understand. But emotion, moves like the ground benieth solid steps.
Yet, I would still like to stay here, in this fake environment. A capsule of loud music surrounded by beer and people. Where there is no worry. Nothing serious. Happy.
Happry. Essentialy porn is everywhere, in the water we drink, in the food we eat.
I am fucking insane. Learn differnt languages. It will make you a cunning linguest.
SHit. I am fucked up on beeer and music. Where do people fit into this equation??
Ah, I see the happiness comes from beer music and having people around. They dont have to be doing anything. Just people, it allows my capsule to feel more comfortable.
A woman keeps saying hi to me, i think i am drunk too much. Perhaps everyone else is too drunk, and i am trying to see through sober eyes.
The monk awoke to a glimmer of sunrise upon the wooden floor. The songs of birds awoke his mind from the dismal reality of death. A dream that corrupted his mind, for just a few minuites. And then back to the grip of reality, life passed around him, like wind.
Nothing happpened. He was stuck in his own mind forever, unable to contact truly with the outside. He felt nothing. Like the wind.
Orange, purple anything, the green plant runs through the forest. Like a person upon itsself, drunk.
I am going to the dragon. Away from attachment, life fades away. Can you be lost within yourself even while things go around you. Like a great flame?
I work at 12, a wall comes tomorrow. A wall that separates this now from that now. Can you see it?
People, I feel self assured. Like a lost black panda I used to hug in my youth. It was so comforting.
So manythings happineing around me yet I remain to myself. Like A flame, I cannot escape, or do i not want to escape.
I can feel the wind. Emotions. Yet somewhat afraid, no satisfied here why would I want to move when I am so happy here, but I cannot escape, even though I want to< I am happty now.
New peop,e. Pants are comphy, like a couch you sink into and forget everything. A shiny smile in the darkness, happiness,.
Is it wrong to write life as it happends???
Clouds, the wind and the earth. Two dissaparate entities. Do they exist on their own. Beside human interaction or are they just independant of everything.
I want to be the wind and the sky> and the ground and the earth. Like four corners of a box.
Abandoned, like a boyfriend from a girl. Lost, yet found at the same time, knowing that he or she will eventually return like air, like breath.
No one wants to fall and get hurt. Yet somehow this feeling keeps you alive. Am i still alive. Crazy, drunk, lost found, End??? or begining. must end now, back to reality!!!!
So I smoked weed again last night.
I have changed the way I deal with things like this now. Before it was:
drinking -> desire for escape -> drug -> escape -> come back to reality -> beat myself up for doing it, fighting myself
Now its, drinking -> desire for escape -> drug -> escape -> come back to reality -> accept what I did as a part of myself, move on
When you think of life as a constant thing it gets easy to beat yourself up over 'small' things, bad choices. But when you realize the imperminance of life you have to look back at things with a positive light so you can move on to something else instead of getting stuck and feeling bad over it.
I accept what I did. This doesn't mean it was necessarily a good thing, I actually have a somewhat negative-neutral stance towards it. I consider it a mistake, but it is one I will make again and again. It is not something I will activly seek, but if it comes to me and I am in the proper state for it I will do it.
Outside pressure should not effect me. I realize life is a series of decisions, these decisions have consequences. But these consequences don't really matter. We are given a small frame of time to exist in which we ultimatly have free use.
It is important to understand this fact and then forget it when we get caught up in the act of living.