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Drunk Again

11/02/02

Dont ever think your fighting in the light, your fighting in the dark. The sacrifice is never knowing why.....

Your testing yourself. why? I dont know. is this all you have? Im feeling it, even though im alone, why? I dont know why why
you cant connect with the people around ypuir. do you evenm know who you are, eventua;;u everything eill theale and you will just be alone again.

Dont you know now why. You are here. you cannot feel outside, you just feel yourself, i dontknow if this will change anything you wiill remain, mmmm,,,,,,

But im feeling it, even with no one around, i can be whole, i will guide myself to the limits of my choice.

no one will look, no matter, im still here, that is all that matters

so many things attacking me at once, i am alonne, i must make others feel, no one will make me feel

throw your hands up!!!!!!!!! jump in or jump ourl, what u gonna do now

keep rolllonm!!!! keeep rollon!!! kepep rollin!!!!, i gota cli;; im fucked up real badddddddddd

theres too many dudes here, fuck that man, thers my hiomies, i dont know, fellow beings, i can smell them, wjeere are them,. they here in here in my place but its ok, they be gone soom i be kckdicng them out they by gone. shit i be fucked up not for other se but for my own use,l its ok ai ooom , kaoiasdasdjkasdbasfjkaasdfmhbasf

fuck trhtis it be a shit i he ehll leel;; wroo;l;ong wtriilnigns feell it feeelllll!

im insane, yea

my life my pride is broken

you have tio act like your someone

why?

to live what youve learned

i hurt myself again just to turn it back at you

you want to share what youve been from!!!!

the pace is just to fast you just wont last,

sup, the people scare me, my pet heals me

nuggets, i cannot im so sorry i cant resist sorry soryy sorry the stain acroos the plain i cannot resite it keeps me so insode the box, cannot leabve, im so soryy the music moves me so baddd

please take these instructions and carry them on your adventures to heaven

i can t seem to find myself again, im so insecure, somethings crawiling in my head, i cannot shake, it carrylyset me to you, i cannot take you to beyond me

this cannot move beyond me

this is my lastt calll i cannot find myself again my fucjling walllc sare closign in

can you FWEEEL IW> FWEEL IT DA<

feeel it ass it endsss!!!!

Shit im coming back to reality, the above posted on
http://pub73.ezboard.com/buniversaltheory

omg im so fucking wasted, i want to take it to everyone i cant explain how, shitttt@!!!!!

mr hann, lets hear it for the great mr hannnn, and now for a lesson in rythem management. posting in crossreference section feel the air,

11/2/02

Why cant people feel music, why cant i convey it inwords, why must i be alone when there are people around me, just me my music and my diary. Is this my only way to feel alive. Why?

how fitting, gone ggoooeoenenenennoeno, goorooraoorna, ngooognaio, ggoooaogoagonaonfoanosasbfoaoa, ssaaaaa zan sen se stern saen dfhdio dso de bachi o e matsu da e me ta te, se gonoaonjoan,m goahgaogfna

that was a particel of my life,. can u feel it?

i dont think anyone can,. its a sad sad song that only i hear

no one else. me alone.

hehe my windows media player is playing forbidden songs i mixed a lng time ago

is this what happens when your a 23 yoear old virgin, lol i need to masterbate

enigmatic encounter ATB song, feeel it, does anyone feel it.

Im just searching for someone else who feels it:
the weak hours of the morning spent cleaning a mess others made
no time for sleep
does this thing have a counter when do i cease to be a essence nd become a being, i dunno, can i be one with myselfe will it ever end

will anyone feel what i am feeling and become with me, ever>?
the end of a story it must begin again@

11/02/02

Its all gone, people are making chicken noises in my living room, it is cold.

When will the heater start, i am becoming more man than beast, i will apologize eventuallu, a good way to burn an afternoon or perhaps a morning.

Things i caused wish they were gone, should i leave, no, music and people in my house are keeping me near, i cannot leave this seat, it keeps me, can you hjear the music?

do de dun, do de nu, i will translate:
im too boring hehe

turn around smell what you dont see
close your eyes its so clear
heres the mirror, heart there is no sing
on both wings you can get in

dont think twice before you listen to your heart
follow the trails that forever start
what you need and whatever you will feel
is just a question of the dear

in the eye of the storm you will see the lonly dove
the experience of survival is the key
to the gravity of love

try to think about it
thats no chance to live your life and discover what it is
its the gravity of love

look around just be a part
can you hear your voice
find the one that will guide you to the limits of your choice

thats the guide to the gravity of love. can you feel it
hear it? You will respond and respond

A Decision

11/7/02

I have an important decision to make today and tomorrow. Microsoft is doing interviews at my school next Tuesday, the opportunity to schedule an interview with them has arisin. There are some factors I must consider before making this decision.

1) I am nervous:
- I have hardly any experience being interviewed and none by a large company.
counter: I am nervous about most things, and the experience of going through this interview will benefit me greatly for future interviews.

2) Time may be taken out of my normal schedule for this.
counter: Lets face it this semmester is pretty much a blow off semester, the workload is small, only 3 classes, etc... Time is not a factor.

3) I feel not very confident about my ability to perform a job they set before me.
counter: If i do get the job, they will train me, at any rate my performance at the interview will give them the ability to determine if i can perform adequatly, so no need to worry about this.

4) Relocation. Everything is paid for, its only for a summer. Besides i got bored off my ass last summer, this will give me something to do and a way to feel better about myself. I like challenges.

In conclusion I am goin to register for an interview. I will alot one hour of time for it, 10AM interview should work nicely, wake up at 8 and get there at 9:50. Sounds good. In the least this will give me a chance to get more interview experience and at the most it will give me an opportunity to hone my computer skills, adventure, something to do over the summer, get some money and gain confidence in myself.

Tomorrow when I wake up I will call both to get more information and to schedule and interview at 10AM assuming individual interviews are whats happening. After this I will need to get a business suit, perhaps on Saturday.

The Interview

11/13/02

Wow, the last few days have really flown by. Had the interview on Tuesday a 8:15AM, followed by classes, and studying for various tests, then tests, more studying and now, now.
The interview itsself was easy, it felt natural. For some reason it made me really hyper, even though my body was death tired. With the first psychological interview the interviewer was like 15min late, but we flew through like 20 long questions. My favorite was: "If you could change anything about anything what would it be?". I responded by telling them about the unchangable lime green start menu button in Windows XP, the interviewer laughed, I laughed, it was fun. Also, the interviewer was quite an attractive lady, maybe in her mid to late twenties, hehe that helped too. Then there was a bunch of standard questions, why do you want to work at Microsoft, Have you ever worked in a group before, what is your daily routine, etc etc etc.... for about an hour.
Then it was time for the technical interview, this part sort of freaked me out a little. I was asked to write a procedure to convert an interger to a binary. God for like 30min the interviewer and I struggled with it. I proposed some simple solutions, but apparently they would have taken up too much memory or take too long to execute. After playing around with the program a little more we ran out of time and the interviewer told me to complete the procedure later and return it to him. Within 20min of leaving I came up with what I thought was a good solution, unfortunatly I had to give it to the secratary to give to him as he was gonna be busy all day with other interviews, so ill never know if it was a satisfactory answer.
All this interview stuff was a little stressful, but for some reason it was fun. I enjoyed answering the questions and fumbling with the program. After the interview I felt real good about myself, feels good to have a reason to study, jobs are out there hehe.
Im not sure if i will get the internship yet. Seems like i go back and forth between for sure and no chance in hell multiple times each day, hehe guess ill just have to wait.
Time to go read some other diarys and relax a little.

Beer~~~

11/17/02

I am beginning to realize I have a drinking problem. Iím not one of those people that drinks every day after or before work. Iím the type that doesnít drink during the week at all and drinks heavily on the weekends.

This in itsself is not necessarily a bad thing, drinking a little on weekends when compared to drinking a little every day is a good thing. However, things I do when I am drunk, or when I drink too much are bad things.

Example: Last night, I went to one of Allen's work friends house for a birthday party. Things started off good, I had my usual 40oz and sipped on it till it was gone. Then I realized the people of the house had bought beer, so of course I helped myself to some. I had another three beers. Maybe for a normal sized person this would be ok, but for me and my 130 pound body a fourty and three beers is a hellish amount.

Back to the party. Things were cool, I was having a good time, maybe talking to some people, listening to music or playing pool. Then things got bad, someone stole a TV and VCR out of someones pimped out integra. The mood of the party went south fast, they were outside arguing for a long time, then they called the cops. I think they knew who did it, it was someone at the party, I think they went over to his house and beat him down, but im not sure. Eventually they came back, it was time for Allen to go so we all went home.

The car ride was when I started "loosing" it, we took someone home. I started talking to him, in my drunkin state it must have been scary for him. Then I just started yelling at cars and saying random things, people were telling me I was being obnoxious. Maybe the problem is that the people i hang out with dont get as drunk as me and as a result we dont mesh well. I dunno.

When we got home I was ok for a while, but I started degrading fast. I got bored, when I get bored and drunk at the same time, I get real emotional. I guess its my way of getting attention that I dont get otherwise. I started yelling about the bastard that stole that guys car stuff, I started beating my fists together and yelling, it hurt, but I was really mad. Eventually my friends wrestled me to the ground so I couldnt hurt myself anymore. At this point all the moving around had stirred up the beer in my stomach, it wanted to come out.

I ran to the bathroom where I remained for a few hours while my friends left and I puked my brains out. I could feel a strong pain in my heart as I puked, I guess it was my rib cage rubbing against it, my chest moved in a lot, it was hard to puke.

When I finally got out, I spent another few hours wishing for the drunkenness to go away so I could sleep. I wondered through the house muttering about my jacket I couldnt find (luckly I found it today crumpled in the closet). Eventually my drunken state faded and I was able to sleep.

I wouldnt call that a healthy drinking event. Healthy would be if I just finished my 40 and chilled the rest of the night, those 3 beers got me hyperstimulated, I did many things I regret and im sure I look like less of a man in the eyes of my friends.

I need to learn to control the amount I drink, but after a 40 i cant help but to keep drinking, it just seems natural. Another thing that might have caused this was the semi-awkwardness of the party, most of the people there were asian, they had a rice cooker, etc... They spoke in their native language a lot, that or broken english, it made me feel uncomfortable, that guy having his VCR/TV stolen only made it worse.

I guess there is not much i can do now. Just learn a lesson and move on with life, I dont know why I have a tendancy to analize past events and regret them. Perhaps a normal person would have more ease in letting go and moving on, I dunno. I dont really feel a lot better having writing this, I think I am still a little drunk. Hopefully this will fade eventually.

Everything and Nothing

11/22/02

Isn't it strange how some events are so strange. One minuite you are doing something, then reality fades without you realizing it, you become consumed in some thing. But, then the event ends, you return inside yourself and must cope with reality once again.

I just had this experience, now I am left with a vague feeling inside me, I want to capture it somehow because I know it will fade away. I have so many thoughts now, that the event left me with, but i am not sure if they can be put forth here, or anywhere. Even now, reality is pulling me back, but im not sure if i want to go. Im not sure if I can stay away from it hehe. Maybe listing a few things learned will help, im not sure tho, this experience will probably never be felt by anyone but me, and even at that, never again in the exact way.

Its like everything has come to a head. Everything before now has built up to this moment. Along this line of thinking it is hard to do anything cept continue to meditate on it. I dont have to be doing anything and it would still be here, yet I continue typing. I dont know why. Maybe it is for arts sake, an attempt to bring something into light that has never been seen before, maybe it is just my ego wanting attention. Thinking has become cumbersome, it is much easier just to exist. Doing any activity is cumbersome as well. Maybe this is my identity, a non-identity. Maybe this is just my unique reaction to the event. Ideas that come and fade, like the tide, they keep going, this is not bad or good. I will just savor the moment.

Me Against the World

11/24/02

Was just reading someones diary, they were angry for some reason, like an ex-boyfriend or something. They think it is just them against the world. I dont understand this, why would anyone take up this mentality, why not just become one with the world. Embrace pain and suffering the same way you embrace joy and happiness, this is the answer.
By pitting yourself against the world, you are just hurting yourself. The world is in a natural state of chaos, man's normal state of existance is pain. It is painful to stand up and act in the world, to go outside and place yourself in the critical eyes of others, even in our rooms negative thoughts continually plague out minds. Death is always around us, a slight mistake with a knife, broken consentration while driving, old age, lack of air can take existance from us in a second, the thoughts we hold so dear, the thing you call me would dissapear. This mechanism creates chaos in the form of violence and other lashings out at the world, and at ourselves.
This is a fundamental truth we all endure every minuite of every day if we realize it or not. By pitting yourself against the world in your mind, by running over others in search of happiness, crushing hearts because it would be 'inconveinent', and viewing all events in a negative light you are only harming yourself, because there are no mental events that take place outside the inescapable shell of your consciousness.
What is the answer then?
If i am faced with such a harsh truth what should i do?

We have an escape route, even with all these problems we can find peace. With a thought and a non-thought we can break down our physical form at a whim and make us not aware of ourselfs. With another thought we can bring ourselves back into form. Try to flow with everthing around you, your parents, friends, pets and even inanimate objects, cars, grass, emotions. The only absolute freedom is death, however in our dreams and a properly tuned mind we can be at peace. So the answer is not to fight reality, dont feel like you are at odds with anything. Embrace reality, embrace your existance because it is all you really have. Embrace both the inside and the outside. Breathe and feel, deep breaths, calm relaxed face and body. There is nothing to worry about, and when it is time to leave this place look for it in the work you do and the pain you endure, it is there, but it is hard to find.

I just want an excuse to do whatever I like

11/26/02

Feel sorta bogged down. Heavy studying for the next few days, spend time with relatives. Im laughing at myself, this sounds in opposition to my little religion. Hehe. "There shouldnt be such a thing as bogged down, yet i feel it, hrm i thought i was supposed to embrace it". hehehehehe. I keep giggling to myself.

What am I doing with those feelings of "bogginess" now?
(1) hiding them? hell no
(2) embracing them? not quite
(3) angry at them, attacking them? no
(4) describing them in some vain attempt to make them leave? no

I think im just talking to myself about them, for some reason this makes me feel better. I could go play more video games and drown them out for a few, but they would come back eventually. I could just vent this feeling as anger or some other destructive emotion directed at myself or others, but that would just be another way if hiding from it.

I could describe them and hope for them to leave, but they wont leave that way, the only way to make them leave is to complete the events.

I know I will do what needs to be done, but do i really need this emotion, it serves no purpose. It is almost a counter to the stuff I need to do. Its just a speedbump to cross before reaching the on-ramp to the highway.

I guess this is my form of art, turning emotions into a flat square of sand and then shaping them into things with words.

Or maybe this is just another way of hiding, just like videogames and TV. I can hide emotions behind words. The little shapes will capture the emotion so I wont have to deal with it.

Maybe it is a combination of all. Maybe its like programing. I use the language to describe the problem in a different way, and hopefully the constraints of the language will help me see a solution never seen before. And when I hit compile all that I have written will turn into something useful as opposed to the sitting on my ass im doing now in stead of studying.

There, I feel better now :)

Field Trip?

11/27/02

Ive been debating a vaction to Japan for about a week during fall break. It all started when I had this urge to explore and get out from my normal surroundings.

It will cost about $1000 dollars to go. But, im not worried about the money, im practically talking myself out of it because of these things:

(1) Fear of people, desire to stay alone as much as possible
(2) Having to interact with people (travel agency, hotel, train, food, etc...)
(3) Fear of airplanes/the unknown
(4) Not having a schedule and staying in my room for the trip
(5) Having a schedule and not being able to be leisurly
(6) Embarassment, culture shock

But still this urge to go out and explore, to leave familiar surroundings for a while.
If I decide to go it will have to be a spontanious thing, I hate thinking too much.Grr why cant I just follow my natural instinct instead of talking myself out of everything. Im too lazy, i only do things if i have to, so i have problems taking vacations or even getting out of the house for a few hours for anything besides work.
Maybe I should try to conquer a pointless trip to the mall before a trip to another country?
OR maybe I should just go for it and break out of my shell for a week.
Bleh, i dont know, ill probably just end up being a bum this winter. Other people make it seem easy, I guess reading travel diaries will have to do.