Is the weekend still in effect? Why does it bring depression? This one extra day of nothing, reflection, unprotected
outside of the safe confines of the hospital.
Despite everything I am still failing outside of work. Things aren't the way I want them to be and I have no idea how to get them there. There is no trail I can walk. This is my life unrestrained, like the anger a blank canvas brings to me. No path, no boundaries. Just a few memories of happiness I chase with beer and sleep. Blank, empty.
I have found it hard to lose myself this empty day.
I find myself too much, beer can't even wash me away.
Where are the links? What is the next step? Just a few moments thinking something will make me happy, then never do it, or do it and all it brings is emptyness. life shouldn't be this way. I need some sort of guidance to find happiness again. I can't find it alone.
Despite this, tomorrow will come and all these feelings will wash away. The empty canvas will once again be filled with meaningful content.
Wow, finally, a brief period to catch up with myself.
Last week, on call. On call consumed my entire life. I couldn't sleep or relax properly. Knowing that anyone in a large hospital just has to push a few buttons for me to get paged made me nervous. I got paged so many times, had to come in at strange hours. Missed a lot of sleep, went insane, and now I'm back.
Now what? Its just relaxation, every moment I spend with myself is golden knowing that nothing can penetrate my force field of solitude unless I want it to. Of course that will change when next quarter rolls around, but we aren't there yet, we are sitting at home comfortably in a nice chair.
Not much else to life really, it continues, it keeps moving. Take a walk outside in the reddish tinge of sunset.
So she actually did come over. What a surprise.
I told her how I truely feel. She just wants to be friends, thats ok though, I can handle it.
I just like being around her if nothing else. I can deal with it.
Next week I will call her sometime. I just like her too much. Nothing more is necessary.
A special bonus for people that actually read this shit.
Some smart guy created a program that parses the individual words in a website and runs it through several algorithms to turn it into some form of poetry.
It works quite well sometimes. Here are a few golden nuggets it created from my site:
"want her for sex
sun on my face perplex"
to reach this goal doubt
out of them suction pumps
it is a corpse upon
feeling transcends everything
into his eyes and see
me responsible for keeping me key
i have to seal up dismay
tv damn rocky is badass
knows about it except the
floating in space until
h h h p wow
exists should tao"
Wow, this week drove me into the ground. Starting to loose my edge at work, but
I think I will regain it this weekend.
She came back, why? I haven't really asked why until now. I just let it start again, I pretend to be detached from her on the outside, but inside I can feel those strong feelings brewing again. She called me yesterday out of nowhere, her boyfriend is out of town. She wanted to come over, but I didn't immediately let her like I would have in the past. Instead, I post-poned it till tonight, but I know how sensitive she is, she perhaps will not come at all.
Despite this, the feelings I had put to rest are back again. It gives me energy, I can focus this energy towards work. I can take the physical body she presents to me or I can take the energy she gives me. Either way I win.
Wow, this week was pretty hardcore, 4 10-hour shifts capped off with a 12-hour
shift on friday. Feelin kinda tired. I ain't cleaning, washing my car, getting
groceries, working on my car or getting a haircut today. I am staying firmly
planted in my chair today, my most intense activity today is a tie between
playing with my fleshlight and getting drunk.
Back to work. The week after next I go on call for the first time. It will be kind of wierd, 7 days of not having any personal time. I will not be able to drink and must be ready from 7PM - 6AM Monday through Friday and all day Saturday and Sunday to rush to the hospital at a moments notice to fix things. Sleep will be interrupted, it will be rough, but the pay kicks ass; plus I will have a legit excuse to take my Trans Am down empty highways in the middle of the night.
This week I was introduced to the "secret" Clinical Research department. No one at the hospital knows about it except the people that work there, the ITS department, security and the executive staff. There arent any markings on the doors, just a badge reader and to get there you have to go through several back doors and staircases out to a dumpster area. Its fucking trippy.
For some god forsaken reason one of our switches/patch panel is located in there. I had to go down there afterhours, all the staff had left. I swear to god I was in resident evil for a few minuites. There are empty animal cages everywhere, it smells like dead animals, its dark, there are eerie blue lights coming out of some offices, there was some kind of jar at the end of the hall with some sort of tissue in it illuminated by a glowing white light. There are signs on some of the doors saying stuff like "sugury 1, NON-FLAMABLE anestesia only", I didnt know there was a thing as flamable anestesia and why would it need to be non-flamable, I cant even imagine the experiments they do mixing fire and sugury. Other doors said things like "Patient test room 1".... Its fucking scary. I was expecting something to jump out of the dark rooms at any moment, like zombies or something.
Out switch equipment is located in a storage room full of all sorts of archane devices, test tubes, small monitors on carts with wires coming out of them, suction pumps......and a dammed working coffee machine.
Smelling those animals, the smell of death, its a bad feeling, bad aura coming out of that place.
Its still fun to work in a place with so many diverse environments. After the Clinical Research area I went to the Kitchen to repair a meal ticket printer. Hehe, intresting right?