Back to main page

Archive
July 2004
June 2004
May pt.II 2004
May pt.I 2004
April 2004
March 2004
Febuary 2004
January 2004
December 2003
November 2003
October 2003
September 2003
August 2003
July 2003
June 2003
May 2003
April 2003
March 2003
Febuary 2003
January 2003
December 2002
November 2002
August 2002
July 2002
January 2002
December 2001
November 2001
October 2001
September 2001
August 2001
July 2001
June 2001
May 2001
March 2001
Febuary 2001
January 2001
December 2000
August 2000
July 2000

5/3/04

Ah, there we go.

I feel all settled in now. Its time to begin operation "Sit on your ass for the next 3 months". Yea, thats my plan basically, aside from the Japan/Las Vegas thing and other random events.

I'm trying to get my passport, but it turns out that it will take 6 weeks minimum unless I have tickets for an airplane to Japan. So I went ahead and sent out a few e-mails to potential hosts. No responses yet, but I'm remaining cautiously optimistic. If this work in Japan thing doesn't go through I figure I'll just go sightseeing or something.

Went up to see the parents on Sunday. Got to cut down a few dead trees and chop em' up. Nothing makes you feel more like a man than a loud gas chainsaw throwing sawdust 10 feet in the air. Yea, good stuff.

Yup, Just another lesson in introspection

5/5/04

Man, this is wierd. All this free time still. But something has changed. I have regained a part of my humanity that was lost somewhere through all those years of school and work. I feel alive.

I can indulge myself at any moment without concern for its effects. I don't have to restrain my freedom anymore in order to focus on any particular goal. I can just be free.

Its ironic how 'living' in the world, at work, at school, around people I lost myself. But here alone, in my home, fixing my own meals and getting drunk I feel so much more alive.

Here I don't need to focus on the future. I can just live in the moment without any other concerns. It is an ideal state of existence. Utterly stress free, no outside pressure. I've learned to live without focusing on producing things, or doing things. I can just exist and that is enough.

----------------------------------------------------------------

I was looking in the mirror. Imagining what my face will look like when I get old, all wrinkley, devoid of youth. It made me happy. I want to be an old man. I don't feel like I belong in this youthful body.

Regardless of my feelings I will live through this body until it turns to dust. I will see my youth slowly drain away. I will become less and less able to control my movements. My mental powers will diminish as well I'm sure.

All these negative sounding things make me happy. I am glad that I am mortal and that things are in a constant state of change. Thats just how I feel.

----------------------------------------------------------------

In my meditation I have devised a way to push through negative emotions. I imagine it as a massive rockey sword splashing down through the middle of the deepest sea. All that force, so pure in itsself.

For a few moments I may be swept up in fear, anger or restlessness. But then with my mind I can break through this. This power has a lot to do with a deep exhalation of breath coupled with the depression of my stomach. It gives me inner strength. I find it very useful. However, this technique is often hard to use. Its like trying to find a wall in the dark. Clumsey, unrefined. But I am sure that I will perfect this technique in the future.

5/9/04

Yea, so I graduated college yesterday. It didn't really feel all that special.

I went to get a pen out of my backpack and I realized that the backpack will not be used for education in a few years if ever. Then I understood the idea of graduating college, it feels kinda good.

I'm gonna start a photo-blog to track my adventures in Japan in a few months. It should be cool.

Its so much easier to convey information with pictures than words because of the visual nature of human beings.

5/11/04

Well, my trip to Japan is all set up now so naturally I started researching the area that I will be staying at. The island of Kyushu, it turns out is known as a spider paradise. Big hairy spiders the size of your hand are pretty common. I scream when I see a picture of one. In real life, my blood runs cold and I lose control of my body.

In Japan I'm gonna be hiking and cleaning out banboo thickets, im sure I will run across one of these monsters. I need to get over my fear of them. In order to do this I will make spiders my new hobby, hell I might even get a pet spider. I know it will scare the shit out of me for a while, but after that I will be able to hang with huge, hairy spiders.

----------------------------------------------------------------

In other news, I got my wierd photo-diary-blog thingie up. Its at:

http://standingzen.tripod.com/standingzen.htm

xx/04

Just wanted to make it official, all new stuff will be on my website. I really enjoyed using mydeardiary, it works great. But on my website I have a lot more creative power.

http://standingzen.tripod.com/standingzen.htm