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Random Stuff


Well, the majority of finals are over now, the ones that really matter anyways.

I really don't like this little 2 week break before summer session starts, its very strange. Usually, I have some sort of vague goal to focus on, like "I'm gonna pass physics" or something. But in the break there really isn't any kind of productive goal to focus on. No job or anything like that. Usually I will just assign myself a bunch of little tasks, like mow the yard or clean the pool, paint a room, new carpet or tile. Stuff like that.

But, it doesnt feel as rewarding to complete these small tasks. Small time investment, I go do the small task in an hour and its done, small rewarding feeling. But when I devote, months or years to something it feels good to slowly progress through it, looking back every now and then to see what I've gone through.

These little 2 week periods are very uncomfortable for me, I feel like im floating, but not in a good way. I feel useless, I feel like I could die and it wouldn't matter. I feel restless. Its a very bad feeling.

2 weeks isnt really enough time to do anything important. Not enough time to start and quit a job or anything like that.

Maybe this is why people go on vacations, to feel like their accomplishing something. Problem is, I don't get any real pleasure from stuff like that, I like creating or changing things, I like seeing tangible results, and I like doing all this over a large time frame.

Well I guess im stuck with myself, it really seems I have no options. Maybe I could pick up semi-serious drinking again, but thats only fun until the next morning.

Or maybe I could awaken my artistic side again, painting or creative writing.

Or programming, or serious game playing.

I suppose those are my best options. Still, its like driving a go-cart after driving a Firebird or something. But, theres nothing else to be done aside from accepting the situation and making the most of it, even if it is pretty shitty by my standards of satisfaction with life.



Wow so I just finished my last final of this semmester. Cool.

I am still kind of worried about my Physics 2 final, hopefully I got a grade that will make my final grade at least a D-, don't want to go through Physics hell again.

Today I did something. After the final I went to the bookstore and got a big 1000 page book: Musashi by Eiji Yoshikawa. I've started reading it, it sounds cool, lots of action and adventure. Sort of like his Taiko, but with a slightly different feel. Good stuff.

I think this book will help me retain my sanity through this two week break. Books like this are very absorbing, they make me forget about the world and myself, they take me to another, more sane plane of existance. Very good then.



So this morning was pretty cool. I was eating breakfast and reading the newspaper as usual at the dinner table facing the empty pool. Then I see something moving really fast in the pool. I go outside and discover a big rat in there running around.

So I grab this bucket from the shed and jump in. At first I tried to chase it and scoop him up, this didn't work as the rat was wayy too fast and nimble for me. He even ran straight at me a few times as if to taunt me, almost running right through my legs. It must have looked pretty pathetic to an outside observer.

Next, I tried to distract him. I grabbed some sliced cheese and tossed it at him. One chunk landed right next to him, but he didnt even flinch. I was hoping he would get distracted by the cheese and then I could "bucket" him.

Then, I tried sneaking up on him. I noticed if I didn't make any sudden movements he wouldn't run away, so I just sllloooowwly crept towards him. Soon he was almost in arms reach. But he must have caught on or something because he bolted away just like before.

I got this other idea then. I noticed if I was in the middle of the pool the rat would always run along the outside edge. So I placed the bucket against the outside edge with the opening "tangental" to the edge of the circle. I got behind the rat and he ran like usual. When he got to the bucket he froze for a second. Then jumped inside. I gently picked up the bucket and tossed him out into the plants. He ran off.

So that was pretty cool. I go back inside and start putting clothes up into my closet. I grab a shirt, then this big brown violen shaped spider jumps out onto the bed. I identified it as a brown recluse, poisonous to humans. So I smash the shirt down on it and kill it. I don't like killing animals, but if they pose a threat to humans I feel I have no choice.

Next, im walking into the sun-room and notice a rather large wasp flying around amongst the plants. I grab a dustpan and a small glass. Wasp goes on a window I trap him by putting the glass over him, then slide the dustpan under, carry him outside and release him.

Its wierd how there are so many animals in my house during summer. I remember last summer there was an Opossum in the pool. I suppose this is due to all the plants and trees around my house.

Wow, this 2 week break must be getting to me, I have way too much free time. Making entries about stuff like that, I feel like a housewife or something, its strange.

Fuck It


Im just gonna sit on my ass the rest of this break.

I've had this feeling rescently like "I have to do something to be happy", I'm so used to accomplishing things constantly, so doing nothing feels very uncomfortable. But, today I realized how to let go of this thought. My problem before was that I kept holding onto it. I am going to enjoy the rest of my break without work.


Fucking hell, I have somehow sunken into another depression.

For the past week ive been blocking it out, but now I realize it was there all along, just waiting for me to let me guard down.

God, why did something so trivial trigger it. I realized I ran out of salene solution for my contacts. I realized I need to go to the store to buy some. Then the darkness came in and destroyed the walls I built to keep the darkness out.

I think about going to the store and I fear I wont be able to. Darkness gripps my legs and my mind. Go to the store, hell, you might as well ask me to plunge this knife into my chest.

I know the action I must take, but it seems so impossible.

I accidently catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. How could THAT THING have the rudeness to take itsself out in public, amongst people. With your lazy eyes and eternal stone frown. You would offend everyone. You are as bad as a murderer, you cannot subject others to your torment by placing yourself among them.

You are like a meddusa, once they see you they will turn to stone, they will suffer one thousand deaths, all because of you. You are so significant. There is no way to become invisible in their eyes.

Your only safety is your house. You can save others from there. There is no need for fear there.

But the world calls you. You cannot live here forever. Without the world you will die. You need food, you need supplies to live.

Somehow, you must embrace the darkness. You must accept the hell you cause to others. You must accept the trail of corpses that will follow your every move among them. Every time someone sees you their mind dies, this is your fate.

You cannot bury the bodies, you can only watch as they fall and then move on. Your silence caused their death.

You cannot escape this. It will always remain.

Build a new wall to hide the darkness and forget its eternal presence, this is the only way.



Ok, so now I feel like im back to normal. I created new walls to hide the darkness of non-action.

Looking back, I realize what my problem was, how this all got so bad. Because of my 2 week break I have too much time to think. So take something easy like go to Wal-Mart for contact solution, given all this time my mind digs far too deep into all the minor details of the situation.

1) I realize people walk around as autonomus units, they percieve.
2) I see myself in the mirror, I perceive myself.
4) I percieve myself as "bad" and assume others will share this view of myself
5) I dwell on all the pain I "must" cause
6) I think of every possible embarrassing/harmful/deadly situations that could arise from a trip to the store
All these are combined to result in lowered self perception and a tendancy to not go outside.

At first, I didnt notice what was going on, I didn't stop myself from the initial bad thoughts. They began to build upon themselves and were a "larger than life" problem by the time I realized what was going on.

A day passed since this realization. Eventually, I was somehow able to find peace and forget all these troubles. My mind sunk into an animal like state of forgetfulness, only then was I able to take action.

As I walked through wal-mart I had to struggle to remember my purpose of being there. I was simply walking, looking, responding. I wasn't thinking. Saying "Hi" to the cash register person.

Compared to the torrent my mind was in only a few hours before, it was like walking alone in a peaceful park.

Ironic, All my education, constantly being taught to think and analyze everything. All this gets in the way of doing what others might consider trivial.

Ignorence truly is bliss.


I have learned to control my mind to the point of no-thought, but I can only do it for short periods of time and only while motionless. Only when I am in sitting meditation.
This is what it is like:
What has no begining and no end?

The moon suddenly appearing from behind clouds reflects off a lake with no hesitation or thought.

Imagine yourself outside of your body.

Breath in and out, perfectly still.

If you were just born, what would you say to the doctor if he asked what your name was?

Every second you are born again, a clean slate. You see is what you see. You are nothing and everything at the same time.


Anyhow, im not sure how that will help me or anyone. I suppose it is good to understand that wind, a TV stand and shit are all the same thing.

Yes, it seems my walls are holding up quite well, the darkness is still at bay for now.



I woke up today. Did some small chores, like take out the trash, get the mail, etc... Then I was eating my breakfast and reading the newspaper as usual. The phone rings, I choose to ignore it as I always do, nothing is important enough to interrupt my breakfast. Phone rings again, I ignore it again and think nothing of it.

So then I go to my room, and begin to edit my resume. Suddenly, theres a hard hasty knock on the door. Taptaptaptaptaptap, with the pace of a machine gun. I open it and theres a short, rough looking woman cop there. I say "hi".

She tells me, "shes not sure if she got the right house", "something about a man named Raymond", I realize this is the name of my grandfather. She says hes in the hospital in Aida, Oklahoma, about 15min from where he lives. And gives me a number. I was in shock after she said the word hospital. I managed to call my dad and relay the information. My dad hastily hung up and I assume called the hospital.

I have a real bad feeling about this. My grandad is about 90 years old, but he still gets around like a younger man would. He lives alone in a very rural town (population under 50) in Oklahoma called Millcreek, his wife died about 5 years ago. He does all the cleaning, shopping, maintanence of the land and cooking all by himself. He is a very strong prideful man. I know that if anything was wrong with him the last thing he would do is ask for help. The only way he would get to a hospital is if one of his neighbors visited him and took him there themselves.

Its very common for neighbors to stop by unannounced there and then just sit outside and shoot the shit for a few hours.

Im guessing one of his neighbors came over and found him in a very bad state and then took him to the hospital (the nearest one is 15min away). Also, the hospital person wouldn't have asked the cops to come to my house unless it was something very serious. Im afraid he is dead.

What if when the hospital called the first time when I was eating breakfast my grandad was still alive? If I had just gotten off my ass and got the phone my dad would have had a chance to talk to his father one last time, but because of my laziness it would never happen. I feel like all the energy has been sucked from me, like a very bad hangover, I feel terrible.

Drunk again, SHOCKING!


Its wierd isnt it. Last entry I was freaking out, but now I don't even have a hint of the feeling I was feeling there. Im drunk.

Its like last entry I was focused on an external event with all my being.

But now, im totally foused on internal events. My interpretation of pure physical events.

So today was very rare. I spent most of it outside doing things. Bjoy just got back from college and he brought my brother home from UNT(his car is in the shop). We decided to go see Matrix reloaded and we also brought a bunch of old friends along. People I hadnt seen in too long a time.

I took my car. Me Will and Clint rode there. It was freeing. I love driving when its not to work or school. Driving to a fun place. We went to the mall to see the movie.

It was so warm outside. And the air was fresh. We arrived at the mall. Walked around. It was strange almost instinctivly we walked to the food court and ran into Darren and Shayna. So we all hung out for a while, then we spotted my brother and Bjoy. We all grouped up just like old days and got our tickets.

Then we split into groups and wondered around for a while until it was close to time for the movie to start. In the end we all grouped and watched the movie.


Matrix review (it was hypped so much, the first one was so groundbreaking, it deserves notice)
***maybe spoilers so dont read ahead if you havent seen the movie yet and want to enjoy it without any preconseptions***

It was very strange. Not like the adventure feeling the first one had at all. It started and ended rather abruptly with too much boring dialogue and romance scenes. There were plenty of neat metaphors in it, but they weren't fed to me, I really had to dig through the crappy dialogue to find them.

In its own right it would be a fantastic movie, but I just cant stop comparing it to the first. I tried to enjoy it in itsself, but i just wasn't feeling it.

Matrix 1 was very interesting to me, they defined a reality, they went into detail about concepts and stuff. They explained how everything in the Matrix universe worked, it was an exporation.
(much like the first part of any movie or series, like Interview with A Vampire to Queen of the Dammed, the first one explained all the good stuff, Queen was just a sloppy boring sequence of action in a universe we know everything about)(or Star Wars, it was all action and exploration of a universe, Empire Strikes Back was a very slow movement through something we expected anyways)

Anyhow, in short, too much vague/tempting dialogue(blah, blah, blah, think about it for 10min, shit i missed a big part of the movie, how can I watch a movie and think about it at the same time?), gross over-use of the "matrix" slo-mo fighting style(been there done that, got the fucking t-shirt, the coffee mug and the key chain), too much romance(feeling of when the fuck did this shit enter the matrix universe), ya so matrix re was cool and all, but just not up to par with the first one.

Ok so I leave the theatre and see the bright sun through these distant windows in the mall concourse. It just struck me really hard, it was so beautiful. Golden glistening over everything, very bright. I dont get to see sunset very often.

We all decided to have a party at my house for old times sake. Me and Clint drove to get food, all the cars seemed to move slower than normal (maybe this was because everything in the Matrix moved so fast?). So we get a bunch of $1 each pizzas and head back to the house and eat.

Jason and them got the beer, a few hours later we were all hanging out like the good old days when we weren't distracted by the courses our lives had taken. It felt very good to be around everyone.

I wish I could take this day and save it forever, its such a wonderful departure from the other lives I lead. So many mundane things I did, I wont record, but they were vital in making this day what it was.

This 2 week break, its not a break. Its an enterence into a different reality, it will be strange to get back into my final months of college life.

Anyhow, gonna stop rambling, my brain is in overdrive, emotional, lots of other stuff. A very strange departure from normal Ben-zen mind.


Ah so here we are. This is the last day of my 2 week break. Time to make the transition from this lazy pace to the fast action of college.

These 2 weeks have been very strange. I was able to get back "into" myself. I have learned so much about my friends and how important human contact is.

I have had many drinking binges. For the last three nights I have been really drunk, but now its time to sober up.

Very soon from now I will have a renewed sense of purpose in my life.



Things went from 0 to 100 faaast. I was sitting around the house, waiting to leave to go to class. Suddenly, the phone rang. It was the "Texas Tech Health Services Center" or something like that. Turns out they read my resume on the net and want to interview me for a Computer Technition position.

I am totally hyped for my interview tomorrow. The place is a little out of the way for me though, its in deep south Dallas, about 1hour 15min drive south for me and through terrible traffic jams at that. I drove there today to scout it out.

However, I found out there is a DART rail line that gets within walking distance of the health center, so I figure I can start taking the train if I get the job.

I decided to drop one Summer school class if I get the job in order to give me more time to work and to make me more appealing as an employee. I can always take it on down the road anyways.

But then again, if the job doesnt work out I will still have summer school to occupy my time, no worries. A good chance to get some more interview experience at the very least and at the most I will have a chance to hone my computer skills and get some workplace computer experience under my belt.

I am still not quite sure what a health center needs a computer technician for, but I will find out tomorrow :).

Another Interview


Wow, today has been intresting.

I woke up at about 11 to get ready for my interview. Put my slacks, nice shirt and tie on. Checked the traffic on the traffic cams. It looked pretty bad so I left at about 11:45am for an interview at 1:30pm.

Traffic actually wasn't that bad. Around 635 it was very slow, but the rest of 75 and 45 were moving nicely. It was pretty surprising how fast traffic moved, it was very rainy and windy, not the best driving conditions.

So anyway, I get to the general area of where I need to be around 12:15. I was a little pissed at first because I would have to find something to do for an hour. This part of the metroplex, south Dallas, is very run down. Its the kind of place with mom and pop burger stores and people walking all over the streets. Its the kind of place you wouldn't ever want to walk through alone. So I figured stopping somewhere and doing something wasnt an option.

Instead, I decided to drive up a street for 20min, that way it would take about 20min to get back. I figured I could hang out in the parking lot for the remaining 30min.

I drove and drove. Driving is pretty fun anyways. Eventually, I made a U-turn and headed back to the medical center area. Made it into this strange parking lot, it was all gravel and hidden behind a bunch of trees, it felt pretty secluded. I parked and layed the seat back and listened to some music. It was actually pretty relaxing, all quiet except for music and drops of rain going off my windshield. I got mentally ready for the interview.

When it was time to go, I calmly walked in and met this guy. He was the lead Doctor of the medical center. It was strange at first, I was even more confused about why a Doctor was interviewing me for a Computer technician position. But, then I found out how everthing worked there.

The "Medical Center" I was in was actually a satilite pharmacutical college of Texas Tech. They have about 80 students a semmester who all get laptops and carry on lectures via streaming video from the Abaline, Lubbock and some other campus. The way things work there, everything is tied into computers somehow. The job expected me to maintain contact from the other technical representatives of the other satilites to keep all the computers in contact with each other. He said that the last Computer Technician quit recently because he graduated and they needed another computer person to keep things running smoothly. On top of that they are on the verge of upgrading to cutting edge communications technology and if I were to get hired I would get to ride this edge in, all the while learning a lot of new stuff. Furthermore, its only a 20 hour a week job, and they are very flexible with scheduling. Sounds perfect.

So after all that he called the lead Technician from Abaline to give me the technical part of the interview. We talked about problems I might need to solve, how I work with others, if I can keep things running all by myself with no supervision, I can call Abaline if I need help on something big, etc.. It sounded pretty sweet. She said every day they could get any problem, everything from simply refilling a printer cartrige to rebuilding the servers if they crash. It sounded very intresting to me.

To add to that, I would get my own office and would be the only computer person in the entire complex, so I would have to work fast and manage my time well. The job is for the entire year. Also, ITS A PAYING JOB!!!

Needless to say, I cant wait to get a response as to if I got the job.

Honestly, im not sure if I got it or not. I gave the lead technician a lot of examples of where i've had to figure things out on my own, had to build my own computer, worked through crashes, etc... There were only two things that might keep me from getting the job however:

1) They asked if I wanted to be a programmer or tech guy after I graduate. At first I said I could be happy with either, they didn't like that answer so they asked again, more directly. I said that I wanted to be a programmer, even though I really could be happy either way. Grr, I should have said I want to be a tech guy, what was I thinking, im pretty sure they want someone to work for them that wants to be a tech guy, they dont want to give a job like that out to someone who is not 100% all about tech in this crowded job market. I just hope they listened more to how I explained I like tech job than to that stupid response.

2) All their systems run on Windows2000, unfortunatly, I have never used Win2000 and I told them this. Hopefully, they will give me a chance to learn it, I pointed out how all windows operating systems are similiar in some ways.

Honestly, I would be a little overwhelmed at first if I actually got this job, but after a while I would get into it and get some nice real world experience. If this job is even remotely like the kinds of work I do on my computers at home it will be a blast. Guess I'll have to live without knowing my fate for a few weeks, but I will prepare myself to accept both failure and success.


Well. I am depressed again. I found out that my grandad is dead. My dad was able to see him again before he passed thankfully, but he was not anybody. He had a massive stroke that left him without any memory at all, in a child-like state. As my dad was leaving he had another massive stroke that finally killed him.

This I found out from my mother a few days ago. But it didn't really sink in until now, I was so happy about my job prospect I pushed those feelings of grief aside so they wouldn't effect my performance in the interview. But now they have rushed back, I am grieving for him.

My earliest memories of him were walking down the gravel road to the only store in town where he would talk to the shopkeeper as if he was an old friend and would buy me candy. I remember waking up at his house early in the morning and seeing him fixing my pancakes and bacon. Nothing ever seemed to get him down he was always in a content mood.

I remember hearing him converse with neighbors, maybe about the rainfall, or events around town. He always spoke in a deep, steady, confident, comforting voice.

He was a very religious man. Went to church every Sunday and prayed out loud. He kept a copy of the bible next to him at all times and read the entire thing over and over again. He always seemed to have the right passage to fit the moment, religion gave him comfort in his life.

He lived a life of poverty. Everything had to be rationed, you couldnt put more syrup on your plate than you needed for pancakes. When you walked to the store you had to step lightly as to not wear down the soles of your shoes too fast. When mowing his lawn he could only afford enough fuel to quickly pass over the grass once, leaving clumps of grass to be raked later. He would always be seen cutting trees or repairing his house by himself or with the help of kind neighbors, he couldn't afford anyone to do it for him.

From what I can remember of his conversations. He grew up on a small cotton farm in Oklahoma. Working hard day after day to keep himself and his family fed. At some point he was recruited into the army where he rose to the rank of corporal before honorable discharge in his late 30s. Upon leaving the army he moved back in with his parents for a short time until he met Edith. For the first time in his life, he found true happiness, not very long after they met they got married. From the money he saved from the army they moved to Grapevine Texas and bought a house. They had 3 children together. My grandfather Raymond then got work in a saltine cracker factory, working hard day after day to support his family. Eventually, his children got old enough and moved out to start lives of their own.

My grandfather then moved into a very small house in a very small Oklahoma town. He found work in another factory and worked until he was in his late 60s and paid off the house. After which he lived a very humble existance off government support. His main form of entertainment was conversing with neighbors outside on lazy sunday afternoons after church and drinking sweet tea with his wife. He was happy with the life he shared with her.

Unfortunatly, while in his 80s, his wife passed away due to cancer. He loved her more than anything in the world, for many years after he was a shell of his confident, content former self. He would often talk on the verge of tears of wanting to die so he could live with her in heaven.

Despite the pain of her passing and his desire to die, he proudly continued on with his life another 8 years. He was able to find a reason to keep on living until time finally had its way with him just a few days ago.

He was a great man, he taught me how rough life can be sometimes. He lived such a hard life, he found happiness with his wife, and even then that was taken from him. But he kept pushing on with his life until it ended.
I miss you granddad Howard. Goodbye granddad....


Well, I feel better today. Not as depressed anymore. I am glad I cried yesterday. When my other grandfather died I restrained myself from crying, I started feeling very strange until I smoked some weed at a party and couldn't stop crying for a few hours. I guess crying is not something to hold back.

Moving on, my sprits have been lifted today. I discovered I got the Computer Technician job! I've been really restless today, I am ready to work, but theres some more preparation we need to do before jumping in. The lead doctor has to talk to the tech people in Abaline to figure my schedule out. They also want to fly me down there so I can meet them and learn how things work so we will be in synch when we start working.

I am still overwhelmed about this job. I get my own office and will be responsable for about 80 laptops, a server room and some other computers. I will be the only tech guy in the entire building. The Abaline tech guys said I could call them if I need any help, which makes me feel better.

I guess im just ready to jump into this job and feel it out. I hate waiting for things like this. Ive already planned a lot of things out: the tools I will take to work, DART monthly train pass, new office type clothing, and thinking of many situations where I would need to act quickly and precisely in order to keep everything running.

Soon, my day will happen something like this:
7:00 - 8:00 wake up and get ready for work
8:00 - 8:15 leave for the rail station and get onboard
8:15 - 10:00 travel to work, do some studying on the way
10:00 - 2:00 work
3:00 - 4:00 leave work, take train back to car, get food
4:00 - 6:00 class
6:30 - 9:00 get home and study
9:00 - 12:00 relax
12+ - sleep

I will loose a LOT of free time and it will only get worse when Fall semmester starts, but this isn't a bad thing. Often, free time for me is just pain. It gives me time to think about how crappy my life is, but when im busy there is not much time to think about anything but the task at hand. I become happy by staying occupied or at least not as depressed.

Ah, good times!


5/26/03 10:35PM

I am in a strange mood now. This entire weekend has been so easy. I just went out and did stuff, talked to people, got drunk, watched TV. But I never really thought about it, it was very pure. I even got bored, and then I was just searching for something else to do, I never analyzed or reflected upon it.

Suddenly, I find myself in this thoughtful state wanting to type things where only a few minutes ago I was lost in the action of messing around on my computer.

What triggered the change?
Music did. Some songs seem so emotionally fake, as if the lyric’s emotions were never felt by humans. But the song I just listened to connected with me, it went straight to what I was going though and started my mind thinking about what the lyrics mean to me.

“I tried so hard and got so far, but in the end it doesn’t even matter”

The person singing this makes it feel depressing. It makes me think of spending years of working towards a goal, maybe even attaining it, but in the end dying and loosing it all. In death nothing matters no matter how hard you try at anything, no matter what happens over the course of your life. This is this “ground level” of depression. It is so fundamental and true for any being with a conscious. To live you must be able to accept this fact or at least deal with it until it happens.

All this got me thinking about the job I just got. It is so important to me from where I am now, but it really doesn’t matter because some day it will end. This gives me the feeling of weights lifting off my shoulders. This job is just a dream, it will end someday the same way life will.

This might sound profoundly depressing, but in fact, it makes it easier for me to live my life now. Every moment is like moving down a stream of water, each moment you have free will to choose the direction you move in. Nothing can stop you, there will be consequences for sure, but perhaps they are insignificant to ones ultimate demise. Time will eventually kill you, so now there shouldn’t be anything to stop you from doing what you think is best.

All this ties into my “death-action” method of doing things that need to be done. For example: Today I needed groceries. Of course, being me, I spent hours contemplating it, I didn’t really want to go, I wanted to be lazy like usual. Also, I was afraid of being around people, the thought of it made me extremely uncomfortable. Eventually, I began getting ready to go as if I had the full intention of going, as if it didn’t bother me. I somehow made my mind go blank, like death. I was alive and moving, but I didn’t reflect on the action I was taking. I was just walking, I was just starting my car and driving, etc…

Of course once I got to the grocery store I regained consciousness and felt uncomfortable. But once in a feared situation it is easy to deal with. The worst part is before the action itsself.

I just need to hold this “death-action” thought close and eventually integrate it into the way I live. A LOT of things that need to be done don’t get done because I forget how to summon “death-action”, I get stuck. I think about death action, and then keep thinking instead of just using it. Thoughts breed more thoughts, this is a real problem with consciousness.


“I tried so hard and got so far, but in the end it doesn’t even matter”

Wow, my mind has more to get out. Another interpretation. Anything you do now is insignificant, even the feelings you have and the rewards you get from all your hard work. In the end you will die and it will all be wasted, so why do anything at all?


“I tried so hard and got so far, but in the end it doesn’t even matter”

Moment by moment you must make choices. You must live through every moment of every day, whether it be asleep, awake, in pain, in happiness. It doesn’t matter how far you get because you will always be trapped in the cycle of living moment to moment. There will never be a time where you can transcend looking out from your own eyes, feeling your own emotions, or “staying” within the physical confines of your body. You might think you can or even feel you are, but this is only an illusion produced from within.

You are always forced to react to the outside or project to the outside from inside yourself.


I don’t know where I’m going with all this. A lot of it is depressing actually. I really don’t want to feel depressed now, I need to be strong for the days ahead. But, it seems I always dig into something I don’t want, just for the sake of exploration. But I suppose there are other things I am searching for here as well.

Utter happiness, a unique awareness of the world around me and this thing called “me” that I only see shadows of. I want to find the real me, the me that is not diluted by that fact that I am me. I want to find the me that is in a room by itself, the me independent of the fact that I am here right now. I want to see me the same way the empty air sees me. Where is it?