I realized a few days ago that Chelsea never liked me. All the times she
wouldn't call me back, the times she would want to go out but never did. The
time she invited me over and she left a note on the door saying she went to the
grocery store with her mom, pschhh it even said love chelsea on it. hahaah. It
all makes sense, she liked the attention and just wanted to give me enough to
keep me following her. She never loved me, I remember when I asked her if she
loved me, she never answerwed. I pressed the question, I told her to say no
because I could handle it, I asked her to release my heart- but she never did.
She never said she didn't like me.
I havent talked to her in a year and don't ever want to talk to her again. I don't look for her in cars anymore, I don't see her face on the faces of others. I'm free.
But now im emotionally numb, I like my friends and all but dont have the fire running through my veins I had before. Life is dull and mundane but has the potential for so much more. I can make it more.....
Today I am almost over my allergies. I had a big serving of shrimp and lobster
sauce, it was good. Finals are coming up. Not too worried though, humanities -
prepare to write 2 essays, calc. - study, c++ - understand concepts. No prob. I
really hate writing essays on the spot though. Everything just gets thrown
togather, not much room for editing or revision. Hopefully my preparations will
make it easier.
I played EQ a lot today, it felt good to be 100% absorbed into something to the point of having everything else melt away. Haven't been able to do that lately.
Not a whole lot going on though, sort of slow life is. Ill just let it flow for a min or two...
The roaches are everywhere
I go to sleep or stay awake
They are still there
Some people fear them, as if their life is at stake
I don't fear them
They are my friends
Dirt on an otherwise clean road
That heals and mends
For what purpose?
I see no end
But hating these creatures
Hating the sand
Pointless it is
To hate that which has no plans
I am faced with the decison of what I will do this summer. I have one week
before my options begin disappearing.
1) Get a summer Job: This option requires the most effort, but also has the most potential in terms of monetary and adventure rewards. I can get either a "professional" job (not likely internship) or a joe job (almost too plentiful). This will require great effort, interview process. I'll have to deal with many types of people. The best specific option I have is getting some type of janitorial job.
2) Take summer school: This is a good option in that I have a chance to take out some boring electives in the shortest amount of time. If I can find some 6-week classes that would be good.
3) Sit on my ass at home: Probably the most boring option, last summer I did this and it got old after about 2 weeks, plus I went insane (see past entries). If I could find something to do this could be a good option however.
I still cant make a decision all options have their good and bad points, perhaps the best course of action is to combine all of them somehow.
The monk walked silently along the grassy field by the full moonlight. Clounds occasionally blocked his light but he knew the way. Slowly breathing as he walked, his mind at peace. His eyes almost closed, such tranquility. A snake that looked like a rabbit lept from the bush at him. Suddenly his eyes opened wide and he was thrown from his peace. He lost the moment and his mind. He yelled at the snake-rabbit with all his might, his mind clouded by anger. The snake-rabbit stared blankly at him, it didn't understand. The monk began to walk away, the residue of anger slowly burning him. The monk hoped for days where his mind was as clear as the night sky.
Ive decided to take summer school. It will be too boring if I don't do it this
I've been reading the diary of this retention USA team guy or something like that. He has an interesting ,hehe, profession. I find his wonderings ammusing, yet educational.
Im listining to this tripped out french mellow music now, i hope it will even me out so i can sleep.
My fear of spiders has kept me up lately since I noticed one crawling around on my monitor a few days ago. A wolf spider- scary.
I need to find my paper that has all the classes ive taken, i need to decide what to take this summer.
Ive noticed most classes are long and late in the day, guess i can handle that.
Theres a me here i can write about, but there is also something beyond that, perhaps it is more interesting?
The thing there beyond me here is not there now, I look for it but is is quiet now, maybe it comes and goes at will.
Insanity is fun- waht is insanity? Insanity is what i feel now. There is no insanity you can feel that i feel as well.
Now is insanity, later it will be gone.
Comments in my diary make me feel close to people, but it makes me feel kind of funny, I usually see myself as alone. With others its different. Connection feels funny.
Its hard to imagine other people doing the same thing i am, typing and reading, so many people I dont know or see.
Chill music is good.
I had beer last weekend, it made me feel bad.
The best beer is in familiar surroundings.
When I think of others I type differently.
I want them to understand
But at the same time I want to be myself
I dont think they understand me
Maybe i dont understand myself
The monks stomach now at peace again, yet his mind wondered. Familiar hamlets and new ones. Where is the monk now? Where is the monk going? The monk was lost, but could see a sliver of the sun in the distance. A most elusive sight. A vague void. an unlocked unfamiliar door. The monk was lost.. for now.
On the news some guy got charged with non-premeditated murder and in accordance with the laws in texas got a lesser penality than if he had killed after thinking about it. This is a strange law that teaches people its better to kill someone in a spontaneous moment of emotion and its bad to think about killing before killing. I think its better if people think about killing before they kill, they may have a change of heart. Killing in a moment of rage is pretty unfair and animalistic, it demonstraits absolutly no self control in the murderer. As a result of our laws people who kill spontaneously end up on the streets and people who plan the killing stay in jail. Personally, i'd rather have some guy who thinks before killing roaming the streets than some impulsive animal who could easily kill again at any moment.
finally have my plans together for summer. Providing there are open slots I
will be taking calc. 2 finally. I cant wait to get hardcore math out of the
way. Math can be fun, but mostly only when it is used for something specific.
Thankfully ill only have to go 2 times a week. Can't wait to get started. I'll
have a lot of free time though, but ill find other stuff to do. Clint came by
tonight we all hung out. It was neat to get some social activity going, people
can be fun sometimes. I'm in a real relaxed mood, I was just outside enjoying
the fresh sweet warm summmer air. Thinking about stuff. Its relaxing to take
time and just sit with some water and sip, while staring at the trees. Im
starting to not like driving. The main problem is that I have become aware of
other drivers. In my first few years of driving I was only focused on what I
was doing. Now that I have mastered that I can't help but to think in terms of
everyone else. When I drive i imagine others getting angry. I should be able to
drive the way i want and not worry about them. I enjoy the way i drive. I drive
laid back. Some people are not laid back, they want to get from a to b as fast
as they can. It is this confict that causes my distress on the roads.
Unfortunatly, there isn't much I can do. I can only continue to drive the way
that is comfortable, it would be illogical for me to put my self in an
uncomfortable or even dangerous situation for the benefit of others. I find
loud music often drowns out others, but I often like the quiet. There doen't
seem to be much I can do about others. Just need to accept their goals and
ignore never beyond the point of safety.
The monk walked late at night under an empty moon. He felt at peace as a gentle breeze caressed his face. On he walked through the night. He stopped. He heard footsteps that were not his own, he had to break his tranquil daze and bring himself into a realm where there was hate. After a few moments the steps didn't fade but they only crept closer and closer until the monks mind was ablaze with their dreaded sound. The monk feared each next step. The monk waited and waited, yet the feet remained at an annoying level. The monk was tired and decided to keep walking. All the time extra footsteps even louder than his own rang in his ears. His mind was driven away, tranquility only a fading memory replaced with the double damned sound of footsteps. In fear and mild anger the monk continued his journey home. Hours later he made it home. He removed his sandals, the bamboo floor felt so good against his feet. The footsteps stopped. The monk's mind began returning to peace. Within moments his delusional thoughts were at peace again. No more fear or anger. The monk slept well that night. The next morining the monk's eyes opened suddenly, he realized the suffering he experienced last night, he became apprehensive of his next night adventure. The peace he felt on his walks became something he sought. The monk hoped for a way to overcome his painful reactions.
I was in a sort of tiredish/depressed mood earlier today, I was playing some
video games and they got boring. I couldn't find anything else to do so I just
moped around in my little mood. It wasn't very fun. Now, however, im in a
better mood, I found this neat internet radio station that plays only video
game and anime music. It cheers me up and makes me feel light and airy, not
bogged down where simply remaining alive and conscious causes suffering.
On another note: hopefully ill be able to sleep well tonight. The past few nights have been hellish: too hot, too cold, Spike scratching the carpet under my bed, Spike making other assorted noises, parents waking up and making noises, loud cars outside, light shining in window, thoughts in brain that won't go away, fleas biting me, random wild animal sounds. Yea, bad sleepage recently. I can either stay up really late till my body dhuts itsself down or lay in bed for a few hours till sleep comes. Guess ill stay up until i get sleepy. Im going to my bro's graduation tomorrow and have to wake up at 9am, not too early, i should be ok. I get monday off for some holiday to honor our warriors, yay, i guess. Actually I can't wait for summer school. I need something to do since the whole job thing wont be happening. Without anything to do I fear boggy days. I'm sure everything will be ok.
The monk rested in his comfortable hut in the middle of a forest. He felt good as he took a sip of homemade sake from his bowl and stared out the open window at the moon. A small candle lit his desk. He enjoyed the contrast of moon light to candle light. Another sip of sake. The monk felt warm inside. The monk became aware of possible trials and misfortunes that could come in the future. The monk remained at peace and allowed the thoughts to drift away on their own. Eventually he was with the moon, the candle, the sake and the soft summer air. The monk drifted off to sleep like slow dew.
Well I went to my bros graduation, it was neat. Too bad I don't remember most
of it. Thad woke me up at 8am, wayyy too early after I went to sleep at 5am. I
feel and felt really jittery and on edge, yet somehow detatched from normal
existance today. I had a few beers a couple hours ago and I feel like staying
up as long as possible. I also got social activity, I went to chads and hung
out with everyone, it was neat. The coolest part was when Bjoy and Jason got on
Chads daughters pink bikes and rode around in the middle of the street, then
they found two of those little skateboard with handlebar thingies on some guys
proch and "comondeered" them for a while, leaving their bikes behind. Then they
found one of those little cart thingies and pushed each other around in the
middle of the stret yelling like maniacs. It was pretty funny.On a side note, I
couldn't stop staring at Kari's sweet round ass and clean feet. They were
likie: BAM, they were really nice. Normaly i'd probably ignore her but tonight
I was semi-drunk from beer and the other half drunk off lack of sleep. I feel
like i could collapse at any moment, but there is still something driving me
on. It feels like im missing something, and when the something is found I will
be complete and sleep. I think it will be nice sleep. When I wake up, hopefully
no hangover. I had a hangover from lack of sleep, big head pain-ouch. Yea. I
need to grow my social skills so some day I can get a good girl and mate with
her. Yea....no worries.
Rice and flowers, there was no monk.
Today was a neat and full day. Today carried all the characteristics of the
ellusive well balanced "ideal day".
1) Initialization - woke up at 10am, drank water, had pancakes, read newspaper in comfortable solitude.
2) Adventure/Reaching the mental stress borderline - Went for first day of summer school, 2 hour calculus lecture, brain overloaded yet understood everything. Drove car with minimal stress.
3) Cooling down - Got home, played computer games for a while, watched 3 hours of Voyager.
4) Socialization - Cari and Bino came over, we all talked for a while about lots of interesting stuff.
5) Future Plans - Do fun homework, party on friday, enjoy sparse school obligations.
6) Reflection - Writing in diary, today was a good day.
The monk walked his night journey. The air was smooth, fast and clean. The monk reached his most favorite part, the river. A twelve foot expanse of darkness contrasted only by a handfull of small flat like stones. Only with his mind and body as one could he cross it without falling. Perfect balance, speed and stamina were needed. The monk sat down. He closed his eyes and made his back straight as a mighty oak tree, he bated his breath with his stomach and cleared his mind like a pail of water, a bowl of rice, a blade of grass, the wind, particles became something whole, then particles, then nothing and everything at once. The monk was ready. Without hesitation he stepped silently from one stone to the next, his breath barely noticable. The feel of the rocks against his naked feet, the coolness of the air around the water, the sound of the river; at once these all became part of him, time stretched out for eternity and stopped at the same time, he was in the moment. The monk stepped to the other side of the river and continued his night journey with a glowing smirk on his face, so pleasant was the wind.