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The Sadddest Display


The most worst thing happened to me while drunk. I went to Erin's for her graduation party. somehow too may people were there. People she didn't know, people she did know. For the first few hours everything was nice. I had a lot to drinkk, other peiopople deank too. A few hours later erin wante everyone out. WE yung back as her closen friends. Racheal, Bodbby, Me. Jason , Thad and Tommmy. We were leavibng. IO stayed in the car. Everynone fought the black guy, my friend, but i just stayed in the car, as everyone pured outn and defended the blacj gyuym, my friend. I watchedm I should have done something, but I was too tr==dtrunkn with myn baseball cap on, I couldn't m,ove. I cpould harldly see waht was going on. Damn it. IT was terrible my friend gt beat down, i wished i could do dsomething. DAmmit,,, DEAMMMITTTTT. I feel sad now, we piled in the car and left, I didn't see what happenmed to my friend. TEAR TARWEr. dammjut, god this sucjsks,, i couldnit dssee what was hapening, i wanted tohehlp my friend, askckack, I fwa s too drunk to do anything,. I was a loasfer on the couch, ci i was disalbled , danmmmittt, ib wanteed ti o help, ack. i feel terrieble,. Errin was cvrying, I dont know where nathen wasm it sucjkecd, Aggredssion, Violenced, and i couldnt do anytingn aboutnit. i feel terrible, oi cant sleep, im too drunk, ionf eel pukishm i think im about ti sopewm, ackm ailln digedt is, it well be ij, right>? thisb rucheked driunk bastasrds from hellll. dammmitt .......................


Rthe monk was so drunk he couldnt do anything, His heard saddened as his hfriends were killed in front of him. Damn what can i do the ome said,. The monk was tstuck, he couldnt move, in a trance he was, dammitt. dtuck, the world faded away from him, he was sleepppp. nnnnnnnnooooooooooooo, ut was all ofver now, iit was bbead, the saddesrt display of humanitylllllll.....................................................................................gone

Novelty and ultimately deeper understanding


Its wierd how certain things make more sense when drunk. I can understand people and feel more at ease around them. Unfortunatly when drunk certain things make absolutely no sense at all. The fight - I didn't understand it at the time. I just felt good and wanted everyone to feel good along with me. Beer makes me feel the same as everyone else - I feel linked to them somehow, this is how I relate to them. When those drunken, anger filled kids faught I felt it was me in there fighting and being faught. I empathsised with both sides. Thats why the fight made me feel so bad. It seems when a fight breaks out people lose all means of control and spontaneously run towards it, spectators and fighters alike. I don't understand this and probably never will.

Today I broke through my allergies without the use of any drugs. I love the cycle of illness and recovery. Apprehension of what could happen, seldom noticed first symptoms of its appearance, normal time stops, sleep becomes eratic, pain, suffering, inability to perform life in a "normal" mental state, thoughts of death and mortality, ease of pain and suffering, good sleep, outpouring of energy that couldn't be used while sick, extacy, end of pain and suffering, return to normal. Sickness and recovery are the same as having a night without sleep while rabid beasts tear away at you without killing you, then seeing a glimmer of the sun over the horizon, the fulness of the sun rises and envelops you, you sleep and you awake with extra vigor and life.

Its bad to take drugs when having pain within certain thresholds, you feel better without them. Drugs numb the pain, but they also numb the extacy of recovery.

I went to the dentist friday, I have two cavities. Fillings I have to get in August. I hate teeth and dentists. I hate not having pain in my teeth but having pain forced upon me by a doctor, I hate the fear of what could happen. But I will face this when the time comes. I will look it straight in the eye and say give me whatever you got, I can take it.

Death is only a break in the storm. Pain is gentle waves of water.

To be aware is to suffer. In death there is no awareness. Thus there is no suffering in death.

The direction everything has to have. There is no direction in the universe. We are the ones that put direction there. We need to learn to accept no direction.

The we I speak of is really me But when I say we instead of I there is less tention The "I" is reserved for pleasent circumstances The "we" is used as a tool to make me feel better.

I am selfish, or rather, we are selfish.

I still feel funny


The most interesting parts of my days now, in summer, are when i go to class or when i drift off into some type of daydream or hallucination. Computer games are neat, but after a while they get boring - ill just play because i have nothing else to do and not because i enjoy the activity.

Tomorrow im going to mow the lawn.

Tomorrow im going to do my homework on my couch and not in front of a computer or a tv.

I felt worse that i do now a few minuites ago, i was outside, i dont know why i felt so bad.

I dont know where the monk went. Maybe hes sleeping, maybe hes dead.

I need some crayons and paper, i could make something interesting. I need the big box though, not that little packet.

Im going to die someday, but ill ride it out.

Drugs are bad......i guess.

A little beer is good.

I want to eat dog food, it looks so tasty and meaty but in reality it is too dry and flavorless.

Sugar marshmellows in cerial cause cavities, but they taste good.

Cavity is just a big word for hole or depression.

The monk doesn't want my company right now.

Sometimes things can be really easy to read, but not really mean anything.

It feels good to breath.

The best time of the day is no time.

Sometimes you can't understand things, maybe knowing that you cant understand something is an understanding in itsself.

Crayons look tasty but taste bad.

Some women look tasty but taste bad.

()_() <>_<> -_- dddddddddddddddddddddddaaaaaaaaaaaaaaafffffeeeeeeeeeeee rrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaakkkkkkkkkeeeeeeeeeessssssssss wwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrlllllllpppppppppppeeeeeeeeeee nnnnnnnnnnnnnaaaaaaaaaaoooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrmmmmmmm aaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeeeeoooooooolllllllllllmmmmmmmmmmaaaaaaaaarrrrrrr

I want to be here, but i also want to go away

A fun but Dangerous Zone


No I



If you have nothing intellegent to type, type anyway

Star Trek Friends vs Real life friends


I came to an odd awareness today. I watched star trek as usual then went outside to hang out with my friends. There are two types of friendships I see.

Star Trek friends (ideal) 1) sometimes have something interesting or profound to say. 2) never interact or become influenced by me. 3) get in adventures and learn new things about themselves and reality around them. 4) seem open-minded sometimes and express their emotions well.

My friends (real) 1) seldom have something interesting or profound to say. 2) sometimes interact or become influenced by me. 3) rarely get in adventures and learn new things about themselves or reality around them. 4) almost never seem open-minded and seldom express emotions well.

I have come to the conclusion that I need new friends or at least need to seek people most like "star trek friends". I realize it is possible people like this only exist behind a camera reading a script experiencing predetermined events. But its not impossible that a person like this exists. It is also possible that my actions force people to act like "real life friends" and I am trapped in some sort of infinite cycle of turning "star trek friends" into "real life friends". All these possibilities and there is only one thing i can do. I need to meet new people. I don't know how to do this well unfortunatly. I can remember all the times ive met new people, they all come off as fake shells who have no real interest in starting a friendship. Odd, I think most of the best friendships came about through meeting people I worked with. I remember Isa the hispanic guy with a missing arm and 6 kids I worked with when I was a tree chopper, he was so cool; he had a personality. Or Tom my produce manager at the grocery store- even that other guy, forgot his name, but they all expressed emotion. Every day with them was a learning experience, but at the same time i was a little uncomfortable around them. I think the only "friendship" in those situations was because of the close working environments. We were practically forced to be friends. Maybe im afraid of getting close to people, it scares the shit out of me. Its unpredictable, what if they hate me. The closer you get to people the more they can hurt you. Thats why i dont have "star trek friends", fear of what could happen and fear of what might not happen. Logically speaking, I must find a way to overcome this fear before close friendships can occur. My friends were closer to me when I was away at college and only came home every few months, I allowed them to come as close as they wanted, neigh, I pulled them closer because I knew i was going away again in a day or two I had nothing to lose. Even if they hated me it wouldnt matter because I would be gone the next day reguardless. Well, at least I have an explanation as to why I have problems making new friends and getting closer to the ones I have now. I percieve friendship as something that can only bring pain. The closer I bring them in the more they can hurt me. Im just like a scared little kid inside. I need to find the road to close friends. I dont know where the road begins, how long the road is, if the road fades into a desolate desert with time or what kinds of obstacles I will face. The mere fact that I understand my situation now at least gives me the possibility of finding some sort of resolution in the future.

The Best Stuff


I read in thes great book named "Triggering Town" by Richard Hugo that the best art is produced due to the inner self attempting to find some sort of resolution to conflict. I heard this neat quote in the movie "Big Trouble in Little China": "All tention in the universe is caused by unbalanced positive and negative furies in people." (not the exact quote). For some reason these quotes seem really relevant now. You can watch a movie or read a book many times and have it not speak to you, but sometimes certain phrases jump out and implement themselves into your own understanding of reality.
This summer with only a calculus class all art in the world has drifted away and been replaced with solid, percise equations. Reality has become less metaphysical and more concrete. I guess you could say my furies are unbalanced. Too much yin not enough yang. The end result? Im not sure, but it doesn't feel too bad.
Maybe I should only take art related classes next semmester, that would be different.
Just remembered a line from a seldom listened to radiohead cd. "He talks in math...". The writer probably ment this guy only talks in scientific terms: what can be seen and what can be proven. This is dangerous, it doesn't allow for diverse experiences. Its limiting.
I wish I could type music. Im listing to Metallica's "Unforgivin 2". I feel the music the same way I feel the keyboard, but I don't think I can convey it to anyone through physical means.
I wish I could know that someone feels the music the same way I do, I would feel connected with them. But I shouldn't waste time with such impossible endevors.... or is that just the math talking?
I need new books. Autobiographies are the most interesting. A persons existance as they see it in paper form. Music played through the keyboard. I want to read Marylin Manson and Mick Foley's, they sound like interesting people. Maybe they will give me more quotes and i can explore more.

A reliving story


Donny drove his truck through the traffic. Long dried up veins of sweat on his face still continued their long slow burn. He wanted to scratch his pale face to get the burning to stop, but his hands were frozen to wheel. 48 straight hours of driving had taken their toll. His eyes were fixed on the yellow line, he wanted to keep his truck in the exact middle of the road. *SNAP* Everything turned red for a second, not the color kind of red, but the red you see when you close your eyes. *SNAP* Donny focused back on the yellow lines. The shitty '78 plymouth Laser in front of him began to swerve, instictively Donny slowed down to avoid any potential accidents. Then something happened, Donny heard a sound. A light chirping, Donny began to sweat again, his throat was dry. Then he heard a high pitched scratchy voice coming to him out his window. He looked out. It was a strange gremlin. It cussed at him and called him an idiot. This hurt Donny. After some time Donny became used to the voice and began to talk to it, asking it questions about life. "Why are we here?", he asked. In a now familiar voice the creature responded, "To live". For some reason this was the most comforting thing Donny had ever heard, he smiled at the road. Donny's hands relaxed their death grip on the wheel and he relaxed his back into the chair as the journey continued....



I got out of the house last night and saw "The Fast and the Furious" with Clint, Jason and Bjoy. It was neat to get out, away from the computer and tv.

Some wierd stuffs been going on since then though. The feeling I got from seeing the relationship of all the friends in the movie has an aftertaste. For some reason the feeling keeps hitting me and fading away like a dream. Its very elusive. Its sort of like the whole "Star Trek Friends" thing, but slightly different flavor. I don't know what to do with it but experience it.

Guess I should just figure it has something to do with my inability to feel comfortable around people for extended periods of time. Or else all the emotions I push away are coming back for revenge when I "open the door" a little for them.

Im becoming less afraid of my fillings appointment in two months.

Now that I think of it maybe I feel funny due to crappy sleep. I can't remember the last time I fell in bed and drifted off, I feel like im fighting something when I try to sleep. I keep forgeting to focus on breath to sleep better.

Whoa I just realized im listening to the ending score for "End of Eva", "Death and Rebirth" or whatever its called. Too bad I wont get to see it for a while till it releases in u.s. or till I can get a copy. Anyhew the track doesn't seem to have its place among all the moody orchestral pieces of the series, plus its in English, quite disturbing. Maybe if I see it it will make more sense.

I enjoyed the positive feedback from what I wrote last time. But I wont write like that again till I get some more unresolvable inner turmoil.

Art = a problem + a person
Sleep = count the breaths
People = form + emotions + thoughts