Ah, I got the desire to write today.
Just got back from my parents land for the fourth of July celebration. Spent the night, slept under clear skies on the deck of a pontoon boat as usual. Good stuff. Got to do some physical labor: drag firewood around, dig a hole for the fire, stuff like that. Its good to get back to nature sometimes, away from the city and computers and all that. I feel refreshed.
Went to the grocery store today. The one I go to is strange I think, the baggers won't let you take out your own groceries typically. Heres the conversation today after he got them all in the cart. My hand was on the end of the cart:
Me - "Thanks, Ill take it"
Him - "I got it"
Me - "No its ok Ill get it"
Him - "I got it"
Me - *sigh* "OK"
It was kind of comical, he responded the same way each time, sort of a dull hopefullness. He made it sound like he was getting pleasure from it or something. Its a battle. The only time I got to take out the groceries myself was when there was this little 15 year old taking them out, I stared him in the eyes and bellowed "Ill get it, thanks", even after saying it I continued to stare him down, a moment later he looked away and said "Ok". He must have been new, that kind of stuff doesn't work on the veterans.
I used to be a bagger just like him, I know the managers pressure you to offer to take it out, but if a customer gives any indication that they want to take it after I begin the motions of taking it out I would just say "fuck it" and let them have it. Its really pointless to take out their groceries if they want to take it out themselves, right?
Ah well, some strange mystery of the universe I guess, so that and camping out at my parent's land were the highlights of my week hehe. Other than that, just the dull monotony of work and the usual variety of things I experience on the way to and from work and school on the trains and buses.
Oh, and I had this wierd dream a few days ago. It was very strange. Get in my shoes:
You find yourself in some dark enclosed space. You see a dim yellow light but do not know where it is coming from, you feel somewhat uncomfortable. As if you were in a stuck elevator for a few minuites. Out of nowhere, a beautiful woman appears. She looks 19 or so and makes you feel at ease in this dim space. She talks in a soothing cadance, but you cannot understand what she is saying. Another girl appears and makes you feel even more comfortable. You feel like you have just entered into something new, everything feels very exciting and raw.
The first woman with long black hair produces a long thin piece of metal, somewhat of a cross between a needle and a skewer, it is very sharp. She moves toward you as if to attack. You know she wants to put it through your arm, but you cannot move. You are petrified in fear. The spike moves closer and closer, the women seem to be enjoying this, they smile at you and lustily lick their lips. This sexually arouses you while your mind is still gripped in fear. The spike dances on your arm, it is about to go in, you imagine the intense pain it will cause, you feel as if you are about to die. Fear and pain mixed together with your uncontrollable erection are too much.
In an instant you find the spike is stuck through your arm, there is strangly no pain. You imagine you are bleeding quite badly, but it is too dark to tell. The fact that there is no pain makes you feel very unstable, as if you had suddenly entered into a deep drunken state from a clean soberiety. You want there to be pain, yet their is none. The women come very close to you and begin caressing your chest. You realize you still have a burning erection, but have no desire to do anything with it. Instead you sink back.
You feel something much love for these women, as if they were a part of your being. They begin to produce many metal skewers. You find your exposed thighs with hundreds of these skewers from one side to the other and still more enter. You feel your skin part as they pierce you, you watch as they go through at an inhuman speed, yet still no pain. As if your legs were numb.
Sitting up now, the women embrace you and the skewers through your legs go through their legs as well, they seem to consume you, you feel yourself matter less and less. Even the dim yellow light in the corner cannot be seen. It feels good, as if you and them were as one, and were always ment to be this way.
In a flash, you are in a large enlosed area. You are looking down, everything is bathed in a light blue light. You can see brown square shaped tile. You realize you are wearing a kilt. Slowly, you lift it up and find hundreds of small locking pins through the front of your thighs. It feels like armor, you feel confident and take a step.
You awake in darkness to the sound of your alarm going off, you get up and turn it off and jump into the bright light of the bathroom. The dream stays in your thoughts througout the day as you recollect it, it makes you happy for some reason. You write it in your diary a few days later in the hope it will continue to bring you happiness.
Wow, work is starting to pick up a little. Over the past week and few days I've
had a bunch of little missions to do that occupy me until its time to go home.
Its cool because it makes the day go by faster and I feel like I accomplished
something, but if I cant finish one of these missions in a day I bring it home
with me and it torments me until I complete it. It makes it hard to relax at
Example: today. The secretaries e-mail wasn't working properly, she could receive e-mail, but couldn't send it due to server connection issues. I tried a bunch of stuff and eventually traced it to this anti-virus program that has gone haywire and eats up the resources needed to send e-mail. Ok so no problem right? just need to reinstall it to get it to work properly. Unfortunatly, the main tech is on vacation this week so I cant get access to the admin account for the computer. As a result the secretary wont be able to send e-mail till Monday and their isn't a damn thing I can do about it. I was able to move her account to another computer so she could send e-mail from it but its inconvienient for her cause she will have to move around to get to it.
It stays with me like a thorn, I just can't stop thinking about it. I know theres nothing I can do to fix the problem, but it still hangs with me. I keep getting this feeling that maybe I could do more somehow, but theres really nothing else i can do.
I guess this really boils down to my pride. When I come in tomorrow and say good morning to her I will feel like less of a man. I was the one who couldnt correct the problem, regardless of specific circumstances, this is the core truth.
Well, I feel a little better now. Just recognizing how I feel. And time continues.....
Cool, its the weekend again. The weekend seems like a very strange time now.
Weekdays are: school work school work etc...its really stuffy and things go so
fast I often forget about myself.
Weekends open up like a big field, time seems to go more slowly. My eyes open up and I see myself clearly again. I find pleasure in doing chores like paying bills, grocery shopping etc... Its very strange.
I can't really accurately convey the differences between weekdays and weekends, its like living two lives.
This weekend has been good so far. I got a new game, "Command and Conquer: Generals". Its pretty sweet. Its certainly better than Star Wars Galaxies, I canceled that account today. SWG was really shitty, I couldnt really find a fun place. I think im just burnt out on MMORPGs in general, after Everquest, yea.
So tonight is "Corona Night". Kind of strange. My brother tells me its just so it feels like we have some theme in our weekly drinking ritual. Something different I guess. Corona is kinda nasty, too sweet for my beer tastes. Id rather have a 40 of Schlitz malt liquer, cheap and good. But to keep with the theme and all I think Ill drink some Coronas. I dont want to get kicked out of my social group hehe. Everyone would be with their Coronas hanging out and id be alone in a corner, staring at the wall with my 40 hehe.
I think I am starting to mature as a person. I remember a while back wanting to stop being so hardcore about everything and loosen up a bit. Like instead of getting all serious about paying bills to just do it lightly, like taking a casual walk somewhere. Its kind of hard to explain. Its not about forgetting about serious stuff or even putting it off, its about approaching life's hardships with a loose attitude. Maybe if I compare it to fighting it will make more sense.
Life brings challenges, this is like a fight against an opponent. If you tense up and get very stiff, you may feel better of, as if you are prepared for anything, but when the punches come you may find yourself unable to respond fast enough. Your own tenseful preparation ironically holds you back from being able to react to unexpected moves. If your approach a fight with a looseness about you, it becomes easy to move. Dodging blows and dealing them out is done with the same attitude as walking down the street casually or drinking from a glass. Its the 'loose' tree in the river that just moves with the floods instead of tensing up against the floods and breaking because of this tenseness.
Ya so thats how I feel. Like a loose fighter, like a loose tree in the rapids. Relaxed even in the most tense situations. I do feel this way, but not always, im still training, but getting better.
The past two weeks I have been terrible to myself. I have succumbed to the
temptations of weed.
Last week, it was Saturday. I didn't drink that night, I was asked by my brother if I wanted to smoke. I said yes.
Why did I say yes?
I felt bored. I felt like smoking was a little club and I wanted to be a part of it, I didnt want to be left out. I ignored my judgement.
This Saturday I was all alone, it was very late. I was very drunk. Again I joined them. It becomes a social event, I didn't want to be left out.
Now, I feel bad for doing it. When I was on it, I didn't care. I want to care.
I feel like I am breaking an oath to myself. I don't want to get caught up in the lifestyle. Drinking is ok now and again, it doesn't affect your mind as much. Weed is different.
I dont want to depend on any substance for my happiness. I feel like given enough time I could find myself dependent on weed for happiness. This is a bad thing.
The problem is that I feel like "whats stopping me from doing it?" when I'm asked if I want any. I need to stop myself from doing it. Next week if I am asked, the answer to "whats stopping me?" is my will.