Wel ive slipped into another depression again. When i read my past journal
entries i cant empathize with the emotion they represent. Today people came
over as usual, but i didnt go out of my room to talk to them. I dont know why i
feel this way... well actually i might. Too much videogames and not geting out
of the house and calculus 2 midterms. For the past week ive waken up around 12
and spent 4 hours or so drilling myself until the words and formulas on the
pages blur and become very hard to comprehend.
Yesterday we went out and played basketball with a bunch of random people.... i got out. but now, today, in general i feel like crap.
Eventually this will go away i hope
Today was one of the more interesting this summer.
In the waking hours took my calc. 2 midterm. I remembered all my formulas but when it came to actually grinding out numbers i faltered somewhat. I know i nailed some problems and missed others, such is the nature of some things i suppose. This test made me feel bad, for the rest of the day I wanted to get my mind off it.
I got home and played a long game of "Age of the Empires 2" and kicked ass in the end, an excellent distraction from my failure.
The real interesting part of the day was when I went with Jason and Bjoy to see "Final Fantasy". I've been playing the series since it came out for Nintendo. The game makes me feel emotions, color. The movie itsself had its emotional moments, but paled in comparison to the games in terms of feeling. The movie cooled me out though, like a few beers would. It dealt with life and death at its core. I can't really put to words the way it makes me feel, words are so inept at translating my feelings. Contentment is perhaps the best word to use, I feel content as if a primal need has been satisified, alls right with the world. I don't fear death. Life and death have been explained to me in undefinable, metaphorical terms; all thats important is that I understand this here and now. Hopefully I will continue to understand...
Contentment, inner peace, balance, the feeling is far more elusive than I
deluded myself to think in the past. Think I understand another part of it now.
It can come when the outside world is in turmoil, an annoying sound, conflict.
It rarely comes when everything is perfect, never when I force activity on
myself in a fit of boredom. It is easily startled by the inner existence
reaching out for something it thinks is obtainable. The mind must simply slip
into it. You wont know when youve entered it, you will be inside it for a while
and then you'll understand your there and have been there.
It is a place, not a mental state. It envelopes you like nothing else. The world is of no concern, nothing is of any concern. Nothing grabs the consciousness.
A glimmering silver flute in a dewy, green sunrise A sound that takes shape Flowing ember of a long burnt out fire The moment without desire
Beer is the ultimate saviour of the universe. When you look back things look
good. When you look foreward you dont care. When you look at now, now feels
good, you can do anything and it is good. Stress vanishes, the weight of
keeping you here in the now is gone. All is good on beer.
I am feeling good now. Metallica and beer are my fuel. As are social contacts, friends. Today I found pleasure in my friends. The people that come over every weekend but I dont always come out of my computer to see them. I talked to them and interacted, it was neat. Jack and Paul even came over. I feel good now.
Good day, how do, I send a smile on over to you. For some: (don't waste your breath and I wont waste my hate on you) Think ill keep it for myself.
metallica lyrics, I just heard, they seem extremely good here. I wont keep it for myself ill give it to someone via telekenisis, hehe, the hate that is, the hate I dont carry with me.
Never mind your last name, apron strings around your neck, the mark that still remains.
Let my heart go, or let this heart be still.
Never I ask of you what never I gave but you gave me this emptyness Ill take to my grave
----Nuggets of now------(above and everywhere)
I need your arms to welcome me home But a cold stones all i see
The brightest flame burns the quickest
The jelly is not on tap
Metallica has the answers to life
Happiness is a drink away
but is it too easy?
Open door so I walk inside
Close my eyes
Find my place to hide
And i shake as I take it in
Let the show begin
It swallows me
I dont want control as it takes me
I open my eyes, just to have them closed yet again :( -The nature-
The higher you are the farther you fall This temple it tilts Step into my house
The pain subsides for now
But will it still be there when I open my eyes?
Thoughts and images, does it stop here.
I want it to be more.......
Have you ever felt you wanted to do something so bad, but right before you do
it you dont feel like doing it anymore. And when/if you do it you feel it to be
a mediocre experience, not hardly as satisfying as you felt it would be?
Thats how I feel now, a second ago I had a desire to write in my diary but right before i did it I didnt feel like doing it anymore, it feels mediocre.
Perhaps this is an ideal state of existance, I dont really have any strong emotions about anything now. But maybe the ideal state of existance was when I wanted to write and I could feel satisfaction from the anticipation. Maybe there is no ideal state of existance, like a river. Always flowing through the most intense feelings of extacy and sorrow, constantly evolving into some new experience. Maybe the Ideal state of existance is this very moment, where the past, present and future are combined into some subjective perception. Like a flashlight lighting only a small part of a much larger whole. But perhaps the most ideal state of existance is when one doesn't realize they exist or realize they are thinking and merely take action.
I think I feel a shadow of the feeling I thought I would feel before I began typing.