Today was cool. Well not really. Im single and lonely, but somewhat content with my life as it is now. I drove my firebird today fast, it was fun.
Life is funny sometimes. I dont understand women. Sometimes i think its best to treat them like equals, other times it seems fair to be blunt with them, leting them know what you want. I guess I dont know women very well. Oh well, I have access to goood porn so I dont really need women anyway. I still feel empty inside though. Maybe its just due to this long boring summer im having. No job, no hobby besides computer games, boring. Maybe when I start UTD this August I will feel better.
I guess before I write anymore I should give an introduction for those of you
who care. My real name is Ben, im 19 and I live in a neat North Texas town
named Allen. For the past year I have been at Texas Tech University, next
semmester I will be attending UTD. OK moving on... I saw all these other
peoples' diaries and felt it might be neat to have one. Im a very lonely person
if you can't already tell. I have many friends but noone seems to really
connect with me. I can be with all my friends and feel like im alone. I'm not a
very expressive person but that doesn't mean my friends should treat me like I
dont exist. I hope this diary helps me feel better. I went to a psychologist
for a while and it seemed to help a little, but not enough. About a year ago I
met this neat girl. She was very physically attractive and when I
was around her I felt like a true person because she treated me like a human
unlike my "closer" friends. Unfortunatly when I went away to Tech I lost
contact with her. Now that im back home I try to call her and make plans to do
things with her. But now she brushes me off.
A few weekends ago we were supposed to go get coffee but she got "grounded". The weekend before that I asked if she wanted to go to a movie she said yes and we planned a specific day to go. I call her and she says she's going with her brother and her brother's girlfriend to dinner. What the hell does this mean? I don't understand her anymore. Well, I stopped calling her and now i'm all alone again. The little splash of color in my dim grey life has disapeared.
I hope i'll figure a way to be happy alone. Maybe ill find someone else at some point.
Well, i guess I have more to write tonight. I havent been able to sleep well in
weeks. I think im going insane. Today, my brother walked in my room while I was
watching TV and he said i looked dead. Well, thats how I feel. When I go
anywhere with my friends they yell at people in cars and on the sidewalk, it
really makes me feel uncomfortable. I just sit there and stare out the window
though. I keep on getting these sharp pains in my chest and I can't move when I
get them because they hurt so bad. I think I should go to a doctor. I hate
God I feel so tired but I know when I lay down in my bed I will not sleep, Ill just lay there for hours and hours. Soon Ill see the sun peaking in through my window then I will sleep until late in the day. God, what a horrible life I have. I dont even feel like masterbating. Maybe tommorrow I will feel like it. Masterbation bring me temporary happiness at least.
I feel somewhat better from writing this. I would never tell anyone this in reality. I do feel stupid though since im a guy and im not supposed to write things like journals. I just read over what I wrote, I ramlbe too much. Im going to stop writing tonight..
Today I feel better. My situation in life isn't quite as bad as I thought it
was yesterday. Today I watched the Real World on MTV and realized my happiness
is determined by what actions I take for myself. Others cannot and should not
control it. So tonight instead of moping around my house I got out. I went with
Jason, Bjoy, Samantha, Thad and Audry to play tennis. It was fun. I realized
Audry is a really cool girl, we get along good togather. But I don't think
she's my type as far as any intimate relationship is concerned. I feel
optimistic about the future, before I wasn't being responsible for myself. I
felt trapped, like I had no control over my own life. Now, I have total control
I bought a book today, it's called Margins of Reality. The books' authors attempt to discover if our consciousness has a meaning (or something like that). I can't wait to read what they discover, it sounds so interesting. I realized today I need to get an apartment close to UTD in order to make the most of college. If i stay here im only limiting myself. I wont be able to meet new people in this comfortable town. I need adventure and excitement to feel truly alive. I need to continue to push the percieved limits to how I experience reality. I hope this Fall is like last fall at Tech. I want to go someplace new and experience the topsy turvy process of transforming the unfamiliar into the familiar. Ahh what fun life is without feeling forced to stay at the computer all day. I feel really good now, I hope this feeling continues for the rest of my life. This feeling that I can do anything at any moment.