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Fuck this Shit

1/1/03

Goddam this shit was fucked up. I only had like half my friends. The other half was somewhere else. It fuckin pissed me ooff. Why cant we all just hang out. Thats fucked up.

Shit

1/1/03

Damn i feel like shit. My brother came over and left with my other friends.

Im still fucking loaded, but it doesnt dull the pain the way i want it too. I can only imagine the adventures they got in over the past few hours, a party at some guys house. HEHE

I spent the last few hours watching some movies, which wasnt all that bad i guess. The movies were ok. Some piec of shit romance movie and some anime. Good anime, the plot was so hard for me to understand in my drunken state, it distracted me for a good long time.

It sucks though reality came through as it always does. One boyfriend/girlfriend set left while the other stayed for a little. Finally, the othergirlfriend was taken home and it was just me and my one friend. We just hung out talking and stuff, an hour passes the mutherfucker is asleep. Im still wide awake, i wish i found a party or something i need some action.

So now im just in my diary and listening to music, im pretty fucking sad. Im also pissed, i could of hung out with my other friends and hooked up with a party, but instead i get these "married" people to hang out with and they go home at 12PM cause they gotta work, but i still have the fire in me, i want to do something.

Well fuck, im just stuck here arent I??

Tomorrow will wash this feeling away I hope. I need to remember that i never really had any potential to do what i want to do. Im a virgin and will remain one until I die, that is a fact.

I would have been perfectly ok if i was left alone today. BUT people had to interfere. Dont get me wrong, they are my friends and everything but A LOT OF THE TIME i just want to be left alone so they dont create these expectations in me that i might actually be a person, and might have a life oneday, that i might get laid or something. Its a piece of shit. I want to be TOTALLY DISCONNECTED FROM ALL HUMAN CONTACT SO I DONT HAVE THESE STUPID EXPECTATIONS FOLLOWED BY EARTH SHATTERING DEPRESSION WHEN THEY ARENT MET.

Its ok i know everyone hates me, even people who call myself their friends, i just need to accept that and move on. But its so fucking hard sometimes!! I really need to die, even the beer wasnt enough tonight. Im falling apart.

Not so Bad

1/1/03

Ok well my life isnt as bad as i thought it was last night. Last night was just a bad combination of things. But its ok today. The problem was that i lost my optimism, got a little depressed. But now i have it back so its ok.

Things

1/2/03

I learned some stuff today I need to get it down fast, before it fades. It was inspired by a book, "Dropping Ashes on The Budda" by Seung Sahn/Stephen Mitchell.

But enough of that, it is just wrapping.

There is a very simple answer to any question ever asked, unfortunatly it cannot be communicated through any means. The answer is inside you and when faced with any question you must find it again and again, in doing this you are finding nothing and everything at once. But, the answer takes practice to find.
These helped me find the answer:

Everything is made of the same stuff it only takes form in our minds and is given a label. Like cookies in a cookie factory that are made of the same dough. They all have a different shape and name, but they are all the same. People, objects, air, nothing, all the same.

Before birth is 0, life is 1, death is 0. 1 is 0 and 0 is 1. They are the same, just as the dough is the same.

This is hard isnt it? Complicated, it doesnt make sense right? Do not change your mind to understand this, dont touch it. You dont understand, take the "dont understand" and carry it with you. The "dont understand", this is the answer.

Emotions are good and bad and not good and not bad. Thoughts are the same way. Everything follows this logic. A thought and emotion come, they pass. A car passes your car. You walk.

What are you doing when you are totally absorbed in something. Sex, driving, any other demanding task. All these your body is absorbed into the activity. In sex, you and the other person become one for a time, there is only sensation. In driving, you become one with the road, the steering wheel, the pedals, the air around you. The inside and the outside become the same. This is the answer, but this one is dependent on activity. The true answer feels like this, but is not dependent on activity.

The grass grows by its-self
Clouds go up and rain comes down
The sun moves
A fingernail bounces off the ground
A shadow is formed

Nothing cant feel pain, right?

More Stuff....yes

1/4/03

Hrm, i just spent about 30min looking for 20+ female on AOL chatrooms, couldnt find one. I went through hundreds of people to no avail. It was strange, but the hunt was fun.

----------------------------------------------------------------

My dog spike seems to be doing better. Hes not coughing up blood anymore and is starting to eat again. I still dont think he has long to live, but he doesnt seem to be in so much pain. I have considered euthinasia, but he doesnt seem to want to die just yet, he still wags his tail and make happy yelps at me sometimes. However, other times he can barely stand and blood drains out of his nose. I wish he could tell me what he wanted.

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I found a good escape that makes me not worry so much about social interaction and stuff. A big 900 page epic novel about war in feudal Japan. Its already drawn me in even though i havent broken page 20 yet. Books rule!!

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I got another game programming book yesterday. When i got it i was all enthused about making my own game. But now that it is here i dont have the urge to try anymore. Im sure someday the urge will come back, and when it does i will be ready.

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I got some beer, all ready to go. So its just a matter of time before I sink into another night of drunkeness. I have to wait till later on tho, I hate sobering up too early.

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I went to the dentist on Friday. I have 3 cavities and a chipped tooth, yay. So i gotta get 2 filled this wednesday and the rest some time in Feb. I think I found a good way to approach the fear though. Last time i was so scared, so i thought i could ease the fear by thinking about every detail of the operation, that didnt really work though. The best thing to do is just go limp and let the doctor do what he has to, thinking about it only makes it worse.

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I really needed to go to the grocery store today, running out of food, but i got too distracted and lazy. Ill probably do it tomorrow OR i could try a drunken adventure to the grocery store, that might cause complications tho. Just an idea.

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I feel pretty good today. Saturday always makes me feel good. The weekdays make me feel like shit/suicidal. I guess its just my natural rythem however. Oh well, time to mess around with stuff some more.

Sober

1/6/03

I feel really sober now. Not sober from some drug or something, I feel sober from life. I dont have any strong emotions, im not floating anymore.

I have real life stuff i need to do starting now. This little dream (nightmare?) that was my winter break is coming to a close. One more weekend of carefree life and self destructive introspection and then its back to my little friends, the books, stress, pressure, action, NO more loitering.

I wont have hardly any time to think, maybe an hour or two to myself every night if im lucky. I feel optimistic about it. I wont have time to roll around in my own little pit of myself anymore, i wont be depressed anymore because i simply wont have time to. I wont feel useless anymore.

But all this is just anticipation, like Christmas or something. I still have another week, a transition week. My life now will slowly wither away and from its ashes another will be born.

Dentist Action

1/8/03

Yay, just got back from dentist and 2 fillings. I always feel trips to the dentist are traumatic at best. Shots, numbness, drills, holes and cement, topped off with an often disturbing nitrous trip. When the nitrous hit me today I felt as if I was going to die, fast heart rate, hard to breathe, forgetting im at the dentists office and then shockingly realizing i am.

Its like a bad dream or something. Maybe I should go without nitrous next time? Really I dont mind the drills, its just those damn shots, so maybe next time i can do without, we will have to see if fear persuades me to say "yes nitrous" when the inevitable question is asked next.

I feel in a daze now. Its early in the morning for me. I got to watch sunrise. I feel like i just finished an important mission. The feeling is very unique, perhaps the nitrous is still talking in my mind even though its smell has left.

Creative writing now? No, i dont think so. I feel like its all already been done, i could die now and be happy or live forever the same. Now i will retreat from this state to my program and the book. AAAAAH! i just realized my ear is numb, i tried to scratch it, but i couldn't feel it, disturbing....

sup

1/11/03

Lol, im so alone now, everyone is not here.

its good times though right?
yea im sorta drunk, its all good

i need to get used to this
this will be the way for at least this semmester

true

1/11/03

Holy shit.

im so insane.

Tonite so many things have happened

I am alone, still accepting it yes

sorry im sooo drunk
does sorry help?



i dont know
Im lost
LOL
I dunno
Yea

Creative Wriging, im to drunk you fucking bastard, look at the clock

Im fucking insane riding other people
They are my hourses

i dunno'
yea
lol yea

no really, monday, its fucking go time
i gotta get my shit together
yea
shit together tomorrow = drunk again
then sunday = sober
then monday = GO FUCKING TIME

fuck that, i dont care, dark glasses, block reality away. this wa not meant for people. IN THE NIGHT .

No i must focus, change is coming and i must change with it, otherwise i break, like a tree standing up to a river. I need to be the tree that bends to the waves, and curve down. Then i can accomplish anything!!

1/11/03

Lol i was just reading over past entries cause i am FUCKING BOARD so early in the morning.

I realized that only profoundly depressed people would understand my diary. LOL its sooo funny.

Reading my own past entries is SICK, its ultimate whateverthefuckyoucallit (look at yourself as if your another person). I dont knwo lol

LOL im stuck, on last days before change to action!!!

im talking like a retard the words come about that way, should i stop theM>

They flow like water, water like water, distraction, reality, i dont know, maybe i will be more sane of mind tomorrow?

Words not like normal english, they come out. Its strange. Too much beer? Braincells all dead now? are you running on no brain cells?

My dear that is bad. I dont know
. Confusion?

Anger? no, i feel at peace actually

perhaps this is the ultimate climax of peace. Inside my head, one last run, before i must escape into reality. and these thoughts will come no more?

Hehe i would try to escape from this feeling with some zen bullshit, thats right BULLSHIT!!
but anyways, it wont help now, yes thats right im 14, i just turned another year.

Is that right?

Why do i let people access this, its soo pointleess. Im so drunk, its so early, i dont want to sleep i just want to type.

Seppokku? no i think not, not tonight, maybe tomorrow, when im nice and loaded again, i will forget about everrthing right?

People i KNow their doing things, im not with them, im alone, solo, im a ghost on a planet waiting for me to die

the earth wants to eat my corpse
would it taste good?
yes i would think so

BULLSHIT
your mind doesnt matter, your just a blob of life waiting to die, the earth, it just wants your body, not your mind, you are soooo weak.... whats wrong with your Ben

Too much beer? GET OVER IT!!
you have a life to deal with, you must continue onward.
for what purose i do not know, but you must continue u FUCKER

Insane? GET OVER IT!!
this is you you bastard. The beer + the essence of lonliness = you now, yes thats right. You want to do something to change that GET OVER IT. ARE YOU MAD SAD DEPRESSED, GET OVER IT

You have many challenges ahead, these clouds will pass, dont you understand the temporary value of your own life!!!

YOU WILL DIE. THat is a FACT. SO take the time you have now and use us you bastard.

WITH THE horns outside and the bikes. All the sounds, USE IT YOU BASTARD!!!

HOLY FUCKING SHIT

1/11/03

ok the sun has come up.
im starting to sober up. slowly

"The glimmer of the morning sunrise has washed away the horrors of the terrible, terrible night"

LOL i spent ALL night with myself on the computer.

hehe what an odd existence right? but i guess its ok

I spent the last few hours reading my ooooold diary entries, i feel as if im reading a younger version of myself, not me, but another person.

I was so creative back then, with the monk and the insanity of art. I had so much passion driving those entries.

Now, im not so creative that way, that part of me is asleep or dead? Im not sure its gone for the most part though.

Now I will walk through the temple of chaos into another day perhaps? Yes, im still alive it seems.

Hello Diary

1/13/03

Today i feel neato. Before today i was just running, running, running, running (loud wind in my ears, chaos, fatigue, legs numb). Now ive stopped. Its all quiet, now the wind is just a pleasent wisper in my ears.

Today was my first day back at classes. My blood is pumping smooth and clean again. This semmester i am lucky, my political science teacher is a REAL person. Not one of those profs too up in their own head, not the ones that just want to give you information to digest and regurgitate, a teacher that lives in the real world and is very understanding of a few things.

1)This is a required class, it should not distract from the major classes.

2)It should be relevant.

3)It should give basic information.

Also, this guy has his Ph.D in Philosophy of politics or something like that. So politics might be given a more philosophical angle than I have normally known it as, very good. Philosophy is fun!

Yea, so im looking foreward to the rest of the semester. The other class i had today "Algorithm Analysis and Data Structures" seems to be good too. The teacher is not as entertaining, but has had lots of real world experience in the programming industry. C++ is a focus in the class, so hopefully ill learn lots of useful stuff.

Plus, theres a hot asian girl that happens to sit next to me, hopefully she will in future classes too. I just hope she doesnt become too distracting hehe.

Yup, the shiny, lubed up gears in my head are moving again. The rusty dark ones have almost stopped, although they might turn again when the weekend hits.

I feel very optimistic about my life as it is now. Hopefully this feeling will be with me for the rest of the semmester (or at least the rest of the week, hehe).

----------------------------------------------------------------
The monk sat up straight after laying on the floor for what seemed like aeons. His ears pricked up, "what was that?", he thought. A steady drip he heard, from outside. Peering apprehensivly outside the monk noticed the winter snow was finally melting. His stomach surged with a pang of happiness as he realized tomorrow he would be able to travel to the city for much needed supplies. Even better, he could watch the beautiful birds pierce the sky with life.

The monk smiled softly as he returned from the window, "nothing left to do now but let time pass" he thought.

He peered into the wooden floor. At first he was just seeing the wood. Time passed. He began to see beyond the wood, his pupils widened until there was almost no color to them. The monk realized his place in the world, he could see everything around him, and imagine everything he could not see. He took everything in at once. Suddenly, the monk could not see anything, not his self, not the world around him. Nothing. The monk was no longer aware of anything. The monk was at peace.
---------------------------------------------------------------

Ah. Thats nice. Topping on a perfectly good cookie :).

Stuff...part II

1/16/03

LOL, i need to work on my conversational schools. This hot girl sat next to me in politics class. She said, "Is this seat taken?", i shook my head no, she asked again "Is it?" *smiling at me*. Then I said "Nope, not taken". Lol, im sure a person with super conversational skills could have turned that into something, she seemed friendly. But in the moment I had to say something my mind went blank.

Now that i think of it, my mind is usually blank or im so focused on my internal dialogue that i cant get to the outside world. Lol. My mind says "". OK no prob, ill come up with something..............< >. Lol thats all i get, moment passes, too late. Other times its "". Ok no prob, here we go, *mouth opens*........*mouth closes*.

LOL im a mess, my brain. Poor poor brain. Maybe ill hit you with some alcohol this weekend so you can just flow for a little without worry.

Ok, i need to help myself. What would I say to continue conversation? hrm..... Maybe a comment about the class or something, ah good idea. I will remember that next time yes.
Conversation like tennis, back and forth, the ball gets in my court a lot, but im unable to hit it, maybe a comment about the class is the techinique i need to use instead of searching my soul for something more profound.



OKOK im done with that introspection, im actually in a good mood now. Thinking about myself too much is depressing. College is excellent, its just the escape from this reality i need. I cant wait till tomorrow.

This semester is really messed up.
Mon Wed Fri - early classes. get out at 2pm, rest of day to chill. seems like too much time really, hehe.

Tues Thurs - late classes. start at 2pm, get out at 7pm, not much time for chillin, gotta go to bed early for early classes.

Its like day and night. Two very unique experiences in a nice cycle. At least i wont get bored. A day of hard long work followed by a relative day of rest.

Well, i got my parents computer finished. Im jelous of it, made it with a way better case than mine, and better quality fans, its much quieter. Same speed, crappier cards tho, less RAM too. But it suits their needs well. The case is the main +, it has a lever to detach the side for easy access, easier to route wires, more room in there, detachable drive bays *drool*. LOL okok im getting too worked up.

Hrm, its getting sorta late, time for some recreational reading. Ah i will tell you about the book and why its so badass. If you like stories about graphic war and romance in feudal Japan, Taiko by Eiji Yoshikawa is for you!

Ok im gonna get into more detail now, i really love this book, dont read further if you like surprises and intend to read the book yourself.

It is the story of a young poor boy as he grows up in a violent world, a nation at war with itsself. All these different factions and warlords fighting for control of Japan. The boy, Hiyoshi, has many hard times growing up, everyone calls him monkey and makes fun of him. His father is a severe alchohlic that beats his wife and makes fun of Hiyoshi. Despite this Hiyoshi grows into his teens and searches for a job. He works for many houses of samuri. At every job he fails miserably, his parents divorce, his mother remarries another useless alcoholic. Hiyoshi, takes on more jobs, yet continues to fail. His mother depends on him for money, he has dishonored his family. His parents kick him out. Hiyoshi vows to find a good job to support his family.

Ack, this is just the first few chapters, i want to get up to the point im at now soon, must be more concise:

After several years Hiyoshi is in his 20s. He finds a job as a kitchen servant in a large clan. Through all his past failures he has learned many things about how a clan operates, using these he works his way up to the role of small general. He gets his own house with servants of his own, he gets a wife after much conflict. He commands 30 men. Wars break out against opposing clans, massive battles, leaders lose heads, power changes hands, treaties, betrayal, allies, burning towns, building new castles.

WOW, this book is so awesome. Its about 1000 pages long and im about a quarter through it. I cant wait to see whats going to happen next.

Time to read!!

Time and Life

1/18/03

Its strange, now i feel together. I am profoundly alone, yet i feel together. Its purely internal.

Its all about events, things that happen. Everything lead up to this point. I dont want to record it, but now i feel together.

After spending the week attacking reality, worrying, silence, meeting people, interactions, alone, reading, sleeping. It all seems to come to this point and rest. This is as high as it goes.

Begining to sober up, one quarter pizza eating, listening to music. This is the top.

Good

1/21/03

Good, my life is back on track. College has given me a narrow road to follow again. On winter break there was so much other shit going on: people, boredom, etc... But now I have an important thing to focus on. I put my mind into it and all the bullshit along the sides fades away into darkness.

Yes, all good now.

Happy

1/24/03

Well its the weekend again ladies and gentlemen.

Homework and studying is done for now. Its time to get some introspection action again.

Actually i feel good. Not depressed. I ran around all day doin stuff, chores really, but stuff. School, buy a calculator, state inspection, beer run. Good times, yea.

Im sorta drunk now. I got some new beer. Asahi some JPN beer. Its tastes intresting. Its bold like Old English, but it is very smooth and has a pleasent aftertaste. Its an intresting personality, id put it on par, if not better than Dos Equis. Ive only had 2 bottles and im already nice and toasty. Asahi
ATV - if u have JPN language pack you can read this, :)
means sunrise in Japanese, strange, thats what it tastes like. "Beer for all seasons" indeed.

Yea so school is goin good. I think beer tasting is a good hobby for weekends. From now on my mission is to buy new beer and test it out. Its a relaxing hobby, lol.

So other than that not much is goin on, just wanted to check in, I dont have time to think on weekdays, about myself or this diary, hehe. OK im gonna go mess around on AOL and MSN and mellow out with some trance.

Beer Update

1/25/03

Bud - no too bad, doesnt have much body though, no real personality, but does have a small kick

Bud light - water basically, small amount of flavor

Dos Equis - definately better than any domestic beer,but not quite up to par with other imported beers like Heinekin and Asahi. Its a tad sweet.

more later....

1/26/03

Yea so yea, good times.
Im about to crash. Pretty tired.
Had a lot of action this weekend.

Im not sure whats gonna be next
I feel optimistic though
I feel like im a step back from reality
Just an objective observer of my own life
Ah time for much needed rest.

BUCS WIN!!

1/26/03

Yay, today was special, the Buccaneers won the superbowl!

Im so happy for them, they have never even been to a superbowl before, now they have and they won!

Their first season they lost every single game, and over time they come upon victory. I really like the underdog, its even better when they win. There were so many interceptions, it was insane. The bucs blew the raiders out of the water in the first half, it was like 21 to 3 or something like that. Then in the second half raiders were catching up real fast. 4th quarter, about 10min left. The raiders still had a chance to catch up, BAM! interception! Then it was all over for them, very good game. Perfect cumulation of a hard season.

In many ways a season of football is like a week or a day of life.

The season begins after intense training, everything you have done has built to this point, the begining. It starts, game after game, putting your heart and soul on the field, your entire being. All the intense training, all the pain goes into the game. The extacy of victory, the sorrow of defeat. Games that are a toss up until the very end, games that are certain, games that appear to be a loss and turn into a dramatic victory. Injuries. Ups and downs. Focusing on the moment, a single snap, hit, pass, ball, the moments. All this builds on itsself, the weeks pass, a trend forms. Then into the post-season tournament for the superbowl. Games are more important now, better focus very hard, this is the test. Will you succeed or crumble under the pressure? Then you make it to the end, the final battle, the most important. All eyes are on you, you have a chance to be more than youve ever been. Overcoming the stress, the pressure; your actions cause so much, everything matters now. Either result time keeps going, you savior the rewards of your actions. A jolt of misery or a wave of happiness. For just a moment everything you have done has come together in some ultimate result, and then its back to preparation for the next challenge.

Political Stuff

1/28/03

Im watching President Bushes state of the union address. Its bringing up some wierd feelings:

Hes talking about how we need to get off our asses and fight Sadam Hussein to 'liberate' the country from the bad things he causes to them and the threat he poses to us. Testing of new kinds of weapons on its own people, threat of weapons against us and the rest of the world. Stuff like that.

Before hearing him say the reasons for going to war, i didnt want war. I really dont believe in war, personal fights ok, countries fighting, no. But it seems justified now, i suppose.

Controlling a country must be complicated, there are so many directions it could take and each one wouldnt necessarily be bad. I suppose it depends on the character and goals of those in command, perhaps on the people as well.

Its wierd how a lot of things he stacked up against Iraq are the same things we are doing:

Hording weapons of mass destruction: check
Putting people in harms way to test new weapons: check
Using our power to threaten other countries: check
Attempting to spread our territory: check (through placing military instilations in other countries)

So in a way we are both justified in going to war with each other, terrorist attacks against the USA are justified as well as our attacks against Iraq. Its a fitting situation.

Of course on a personal level theres no one at fault. We individually go about our lives, unaware that anything global is going on until something happens that effects us on a personal level.

We are all citizens of a country, but that is like saying we are pebbles in a stream, the stream operates apart from the rocks, but they sometimes effect each other.

I guess i just dont like the idea of thinking globally. I just want to be me. I dont want to be an enemy to Iraq or any other country for that matter, nor do i want to be an enemy of its peoples. I just dont want to worry about it, i just want to live my life, not the life of the USA.

Being a citizen is like molecules in a body. The body does what it wants and we have little control over it, yet we must suffer the consequences of its actions. Our only ultimate course of action is to find a new body or find a way to live in the one we have now.

My problem is that im having trouble separating myself mentally from government. I feel responsable for the actions my government is taking. The American government is powerful and war/power hungry, yet i am not. Others will see this in my government and think that I am the same way. The only place i can live is here because everywhere else in the world sees me as the enemy.