Standing Zen Again 

About (updated 10/23/04)

What the hell is Zen? (I dont even know anymore!)

Adventures in Programming! (in stasis)

The War (a short story)

Rehash (unfinished)


May 2005
April 2005
March 2005
February 2005
January 2005
A few jumbled months 2004
September 2004
August 2004
July 2004
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May pt.II 2004
May pt.I 2004
April 2004
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Febuary 2004
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November 2003
October 2003
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Cool Links

Bro's page

Bjoy's page


Nuclear power

SMGfan (obsession page)
Rob Pongi Happy Hour



I hate that feeling. I've been angry all day, it just followed me around. Bitter, pessimistic. For no apparent reason. Like dirt stuck to my shoe.

And now its calm. I'm relaxed. But I have the feeling of wanting to capture the peace, its not enough for it to be there these few fleeting moments and then have it gone again. I want to keep it with me always, but I know it will easily be washed away by whatever trials confront me tomorrow.

I could meditate, but that will take the feeling away too. I don't want to feel neutral. I'm greedy. Neutral isn't good enough.

I want, I want, I want. There is no answer in that. So where is the answer? .......
Maybe the answer is in neutral after all. No wanting, no recieving. Just nothing and nothing else.



Ah man. I've been a little sick for the past few days. Change of weather and all that, not too bad though. Fever making it somewhat hard to think clearly, perception of existance changing slightly. Strange dreams filled with fear and confusion that extend into the waking hours. Work taking on a dreamlike quality. Standard stuff.

Last weekend my beloved car died on me. The positive battery terminal corroded off. Got Tommy to bring me a new battery and terminal. Easy repair, but a lot of heartache. My backup car's battery was dead, I need to store it better, need to hook it up to a trickle charger.

Parents blew me off this weekend. I wanted to visit them, but they have a minister coming in they need to take care of. I understand, their religion means a lot to them, but still I would like to take a long trip before going on call.

I need to find somewhere to drive to and hang out for a while, tired of spending weekends at home.

Thats about all.

Last Night


Ah last night kicked ass. I got really bored and decided to drive around for a while. At Park and Preston I ran into this Sushi bar and stopped to have some sushi and beer. Ended up spending about $50 for suchi for one, but it was very goood. Had me some yellow tail, red snapper, tuna, salmon and halibut along with a liter of Asahi beer. Very very good.

After that I drove around deep elum for a while. At first I wanted to go to a bar to try to pick up some women and maybe have another drink, but after driving around for a while looking for parking it was 12PM and I started getting really tired, so I Just headed home. Maybe next week.

This is the first time in years that I have been able to go out and enjoy myself. I didn't go out because there was any need to, I just wanted to. I attribute this at least partially to my no beer thing, usually I would be drunk off my ass on a Saturday night, not able to go anywhere. But sober, it is easy and feels good to get out.

Corporate Restructuring


Ah, pics of the house. Nice right?

Almost bought beer today, but got lazy and passed right by it. If beer decides to enter my life I will enjoy it, but I will not seek beer out, I will not force myself to buy beer.

So things at work are about to change in a big way. Corporate restructuring, these words are often a nice way of saying "your fired". But not in my case. It means I will become a corporate employee with a bigger paycheck and salary instead of hourly wages. The big boys decided to take all IT staff to their level instead of leaving them at the facility level. This means I can either stay at the hospital as a corporate employee serving only our hospital or I can move to the division level and do phone support for all hospitals in the Dallas area.

Its a tough choice to make, there are a lot of factors to consider. Division headquarters is in Las Colinas, this would make my commute about twice what it is now. But at division I will get to play will all sorts of new tools and resources that aren't available at the facility. If I stay at the hospital I will be full time field support, not chained to a desk, familiar environment, but not as much of a pay raise. This all won't be happening for a few months so I have a bunch of time to think about it. Should work out ok either way.



Damn, my anger is getting too hard to control. That same blind rage I feel sometimes when drunk in certain situations is coming out when I am totally sober.

I have lost my ability to control it, its a fucking pain in the ass. Driving is so much harder with anger.

No beer has taken the me that exists when drunk on weekends and combined it with the peaceful person I am on the weekdays. It seems I can either start drinking again and release all the anger and emotions on the weekends and turn into a emotional mute on weekdays again, or I can just keep it the way it is with this mush of good and bad. Peace sometimes and raging anger/raging happiness other times.

I need to find a way to deal with these emotions without beer or turn back to beer for proper release. This weekend I will need to make a decision, I'm not sure if I can survive another week with all this anger.

No more beer


Wow, I haven't had a drink in about 3 weeks. I bet its the longest since ive had a drink in years. No beer has had various effects on me.

At the begining of week 3 my body started going through withdrawel. The most major effects are more emotions coming to the surface. Fear, anger, love like I have never experienced before. More real, my heart starts racing and I feel a wave of fear when cars stop quickly in front of me on the highway, before this feeling was hidden behind a wall in my mind built by beer.

I become agitated easily, little things start to bother me. But when I am at rest I can find a peace deeper than anything I have known before. No beer seems to cause more extreme good and bad emotions along with a general sense of uneasyness when driving or at work.

I honestly don't know if I will start drinking again this weekend. I am at that point where the thought of drinking turns my stomach a little, but I know I could get back into it if I wanted to.

It was the same way when I quit smoking, I don't know if I am better off with it or without it.

MMM Weekend


I think I figured it out. I am addicted to work, I constantly seek the satisfaction/high that comes from satisfying people. Whenever I can't satisfy someone it makes me feel bad, but I just keep going in search of that emotional high.

The pain comes from not being able to satisfy enough people to get the high feeling, I think as I work more and more the amount of people I have to satisfy to feel good increases. Like a drug addict I just need more of it even as my physical body begins to crumble away I find I can't stop. So thats why I felt that way a few days ago. Its just the way I am.

But there are more immediate concerns, I failed too many times today. Four times to be exact. The failures were due to a lack of time, skill and equipment. I failed 2 floor supervisors, one patient and one president of media affairs. I hate having to tell people that I cannot meet their expectations. "I can get it done next week sometime", "I just need more supplies to complete your request", "The person who can solve this problem has already left for the day". I hate saying those things. My coworkers/friends see that I am tormented and try to slow me down by telling me "its ok, its not that important, it can wait". I guess I should heed these words and take better care of myself. After some rest, it will be easier I'm sure.

So this weekend the entire hospital is on-call. We are prepared to deal with a heavy load of people transported from hospitals in houston. Our hospital is already full and in order to accomidate the extra patients we need extra people to assist with patient transport and other basic patient needs. I have been at work every day since the 12th of this month. God I hope I can just have this weekend to relax, damn hurricane. I really need to get off work for a few days, its starting to consume my entire life. I can't seem to find the person I am when I am not at work anymore. I'm sure its still there, I just need time to find it again. I think I will take a few days off in a few weeks.



Figures, after going on about hardship at work making life better I begin to feel burnt out. Today when I left work I wasn't filled with the usual jolt of satisfaction. It didn't feel like I made things better for people, it didn't feel like I tied up all loose ends, it didn't feel like I sacrificed a part of myself for my coworkers. It just felt like I was tired after a long day and wanted to get home.

I realize that with this job I haven't been taking care of myself. I push my body and mind hard and when it hurts I just push harder. I guess this is starting to take its toll on me. I have been number 1 in closed work orders for the past few months, every time I go in with a meeting with my manager he praises me for pretty much the whole meeting and I come out with a smile on my face.

When I first started working there it wasn't that way at all. Every meeting my manager pointed out how I failed and alluded to me being fired if I didn't shape up. So I stepped up and put everything I had into the job, I sacrificed my body and mind. When I got tired I just kept working. When I was time to go home I stayed until all my work was done. When demanding special projects came up I immediately volunteered for them. When coworkers were out on vacation I covered them. After doing that for a few months I rose above the ranks to the #1 position. I am still there now at #1, but I don't know if I can keep it there.

Hopefully, this is just a one day thing. Maybe tomorrow I will get a second wind and be able to perform the way I want to. Or maybe this really is the peak and my performance will go downhill until I can take care of myself at home and not push myself so hard. Or maybe this is the same as the pain atheletes feel, the pain means their body is about to raise its own limits. Yes, thats it, this mental and physical pain just means I am about to get better, I'm doing the right thing. Perhaps soon I will be able to perform even better than ever. At least I can hold onto that wish.



Ah, so I have returned from the realm of the dead to the realm of the living once more. The direction of my life is once again in my hands. A hellish week of on-call is over.

Things are more stable now. Quiet. Not so random.

But then again, there is something in the hell of on-call that isn't found anywhere else. Things are so final and hard, it becomes difficult to find a moment to remember that you are a person. Inside this world things feel different. A glimpse of sunset before heading into blank hospital walls. Sunlight reflecting off the floor in the glass hallway. Fresh air outside. Idle moments in traffic, or walking. It all becomes more interesting.

Its ironic how something so physically and mentally draining makes life much more full. Maybe the exhaustion wears away my mental barriers to everything, I can't keep the walls up when I'm running around so much, maybe this is why being dead can feel so good. Like some kind of monster with senses enhanced under certain conditions. I am a human animal.



Its better now. I will still have to face a difficult situation tomorrow but I have accepted it for what it is and can head into it without and excess emotional baggage. In time it will pass and become insignificant, the important things will still be there, this event will not destroy them.

This weekend was nice. Got to hang out with some work buddies. I like hanging out with them and the people they associate with because we have a common thread of gaming and general computer stuff. Its good.

Tomorrow begins another week of on-call. We recently implemented new software for the entire hospital, this software is the new core of patient management. It is very important, and somewhat difficult to master, I expect on-call to be busy. But I am prepared, I did the whole get drunk till you puke thing and make a general ass of yourself run this weekend. I'm nice and relaxed. The painful hangover just wore off, it will feel good to jump into a constant state of readyness by comparisson. There is a certain grittyness to it that can't be found anywhere else, overcoming it is like climbing to the top of a mountain and proudly enjoying the view.

The job is good. I still like it. It is an endless challenge.

My last job, I went into and in about 1 year I was able to turn a virtually non-existant IT department into something nice that worked well. I went into this job with that same sort of mentality, that I could find a way to satisfy everyone and keep them all in a perpetual state of happiness. I know that it will take many years to do that here if it is even possible. There are just too many things going on, it is impossible for me to encompass them all by myself. I depend on my coworkers to pick up the things I can't get to. But not everyone shares my mentality. "Sometimes just enough to get by and nothing more is ok, even if it makes people unhappy or gives them a negative view of our department." But I am sure everyone only wants the best things to happen, no one wants bad things.

Everyone makes mistakes, but when you do it is important to go back and correct them and then analyze why they happened and either change something to make them never happen again or do something to lessen the effects of it if it happens again.

Not that I'm perfect or that I follow these rules all the time. But I strive to be and I will never give up this struggle. Some day things will reach a state that is right, it might not be in a few years or even in my lifetime, but someday it will come and it will come because of the things I do.



I have failed myself and my coworkers. I refused to finish a job I had started because of bad attitude from the customer.

Higher ranked members of the staff pointed this out to me. It didn't feel good.

Looking back, I shouldn't have let my emotions control me, I should have pushed through the attitude. I should have pushed through their hatered and distrust of me and the negative view of my department and found an effective resolution to their problem. I couldn't overcome this barrier, became weak and ran away.

I am discusted with myself and my failure. It makes my stomach turn.

So now with this feeling of discust towards myself combined with their justified lack of faith in my abilities and hatred towards me I will effect a resolution. My weakness and percieved escape has just made me an enemy of myself making this task just that much harder.

The Calm Inside the Storm


Ah, a nice break. 2 days of a 3 day weekend spent away from civilization. Something about the forest, I can forget I even exist there. I can foget about everything out there. I can return to my primal state, the way we were meant to be.

So, yes a nice weekend, and its not over yet, I still have Monday off.

Bunch of chores and crap to do tomorrow. Shouldn't be too bad. Bills to pay, car to wax, new pants to buy, etc...

So yea, thats about it for now. Nice and relaxed, I think I'm gonna stay up late tonight.

Hardcore action


Wow. More Katrina aftermath felt at work. Had to set up an emergency computer station on one of the floors for anticipated arrivals from Lousiana tomorrow. To cut a long story short, this led to a 12 hour day. Im gonna drink some more beer now.

I've heard from the powers that be that tomorrow, they may have to call a code black, mass casualty incident. They think we might get a shitload of critical/seriously injured people from Lousiana. If we do basically, we all get paged and show up to primarilly get the computers they need working and then serve in simple medical related jobs; like transporting patients, etc... A code black basically means we have more patients coming in than we can handle normally, and as a result they need more people to handle them. We had a few drills a few months ago, it can get pretty hectic. But, they never made an official announcement to the staff about it, so it might not be terribly likely...hopefully.

I'm so glad I'm not on call this weekend, if things don't go to code black then the on call person will get some hardcore action, I know its gonna be crazy up there.

Its kinda neat how dependent on computers hospitals are now, they use them to process patients faster and keep track of them better. Without computers things slow way down and medical errors are easily made. At least I can rest easy I have nice job security.

More beer now.

Hurricane fo real


Wow, hurricane Katrina isn't bullshit. Its effects are pretty heavy.

At work, we are well aware of it. They had to abandon 3 affiliated hospitals in Lousiana and 1 is running on emergency power. Lots of critical patients were transported from them to our hospital. We had to lease out a bunch of helos to move them out.

I overheard a conversation with one of the pilots of the transport team, he told stories of landing on the roof of one of the hospitals and then going into 100 degrees on the inside with no electricity, running water or lights and having to grab the most critical patients and then fly them back to Dallas.

The company will continue paying all employees at the abandoned hospitals and will arrange to relocate them to other facilities if they want to. This is a good thing. I met one of the people who had been relocated from Lousiana today to help setup a temporary office with a computer. She seemed pretty much together for someone who had just lost their house, city and way of life. But she just keeps on working. Crazy stuff.

I like working for this company, its good to see they take care of their employees. They leased a bunch busses and are evacing them to some airport and will provide water and food. Its reassuring to know we have our shit together during such a crisis.

Pants Destruction


2 days, 2 pants destroyed.

Yesterday, I was moving a computer. There was a power cord under the desk I tried to get, of course being a believer in brute force first over a more elegant solution I pull it with all my might. My knees slid across the floor and I was greeted with a nice burning sensation, ah how nice. I look down to find a gaping hole in my slacks, quite a fashionable look I must say. But I don't think anyone really noticed.

Today, eating lunch at Taco Bell/Pizza Hut/KFC. I had just finished my tacos and started working on my honey barbeque sandwich. Of course a huge chunk of the sandwich falls directly onto my croch. BBQ covered a good portion of it, try as I might it left a nice stain. I go back to work and figure if I can ignore it then no one else will notice it. This didn't work. Coworkers noticed and near the end of the day, when I thought I was home free the President of Nursing Staff noticed. She looked down at it with a wierd expression on her face, like "what the hell is that". The stain looked like a big splotch of dried blood so of course that was to be expected. Embarassing yes.

But the embarassment is over now. I am safely at home in a nice pair of shorts and tomorrow I can walk around proudly with a nice clean pair of pants.



I need a girl in my life again. I miss that feeling of caring for someone. Trying not to think of them when trying to focus on work and getting all the energy from that.

Sitting at home alone, drunk, her in the back of my mind and her not being here. Where did that go? When did it leave? What are the steps to get it back?

Without that everything feels empty. Its fake the same way artificially flavored TV dinners slide off my tongue with no real content and barely any nutritional value.

I try to recreate it with so many things, but I just can't do it by myself.



Ah, feel much better now. I think I have at least gotten all the nicotine over with, maybe still a little bit of the weed left, but not much longer before it is gone.

It seems the more times I do it, the shorter amounts of time the withdrawl symptoms are. Its also a good thing I don't have direct access to weed, kinda hard to smoke it when you don't have it. As for the cigs, its a good thing im too lazy to go buy any. Quitting isn't hard at all, just never get them. How can you smoke something you don't have? It doesn't matter how much you want it, if you don't have it you can't do it.

Anyways, got a nice weekend coming up. Gonna clean house, maybe go out to a bar or something. I really need to get out. I might need to do it wrong to do it in the first place, but thats ok.

Do it wrong


Ah so I met this attractive girl today. Of course it was through work that this happened and unfortunately we were in a work environment so I couldn't really make any moves. She was the secretary of a doctors office, it would have seemed really wierd for me to do anything in front of the patients and doctors. But what if for a second I forgot that and did it wrong?

What if I just said fuck it, I know this is wrong but I am going to do it anyway. What is the worst possible way I can do this? I am so concerned with making moves for business or pleasure in only the most favorable circumstances. I won't do anything unless the situation favors me. This is starting to take its toll I think. I am missing out on so much by doing this.

I need to learn to say "fuck it" and just do it more often.

Anyway, I missed out on a huge opportunity today, she met all of my strict guidelines which is very rare. She was quiet, a hard worker, very feminine. She laughed at little stupid things I said with the most perfect laugh. She smiled into my eyes. I could tell she was somewhat into me or at least a very nice person, but I never closed the deal with lunch or something like that. Oh well, my opportunity is over now, but maybe in the future they will have more computer problems or something.

I've been feeling shitty lately. Just drained. It fucking sucks, I want my energy back. My desk at work is so cluttered with shit and I don't have the energy to get it cleared. I think it has something to do with that damn bowl I smoked a few weeks back. I'm still pissed at myself for doing it, but I was so drunk and feeling explorational at the time, like nothing could bring me down. The long road to recovery begins here again, I don't know why I do this to myself its just torture.



4 days later and still recovering. Lots of beer outside, puke x2, monster hangover. It was fun but I hate paying that price for so many days after.

Not much else going on really. Things are gradually getting sharper and flowing normally.



Ah, no more on-call. Hot water turned back on. God is not in heaven but all is right with the world anyways.

Yea, not too bad. Just chillin. Can't wait to get my drink on this weekend, time to get trashed to make up for no drinking last weekend. Gonna go with some work buddies and a bunch of other random people to some cliff's and spend the night. It will be cool.

Yea, so yea not much else going on, still living like an animal.

10 Min. weekend

8/5 6:50PM - 7PM

Ah, there it goes. 60 hours left and counting down. Just like anything else.


So tonight is the same time one year ago that I met her. It feels that way for some reason. Why? There is no why. There just is,

I can feel her again for some reason. Out of nothing.

Something inside me is telling me to call her, but im not. Fuck that shit. FUck that bitch. She can keep coming in my dreams and appear as a ghost as I sit on the couch. But that doesn't mean shit.

Get out of my mind bitch, i just want to be me. I will fuck all that shit to the 8th circle of hell and then take it there again. Fuck you bitch, fuck you, fuck you again. You bring out the anger in me, fuck you!


What a horrible night to have a curse.

Its time to play


Ah, so next week begins another exciting episode of on-call. Wow, I really can't wait, what will be the highlight this time? What will the test be? Doctors yelling at me at 3AM, emar carts that are continually breaking, or maybe endurance, 5 trips in one day? Who knows. Its all unknown.

These two last days I can call my own seem so golden. When on-call starts time stops, everything turns into an endless wasteland with no oasis. Everything just drags for what seems like eternity and when it is over I come back to myself and have to learn how to relax again. Yes, on call is a pain in the ass, the only downside to an otherwise perfect job. I guess its not so bad once inside it, just the time immediately before and after it, anticipation before and the emptyness afterwards.

But now, I have tonight. My mission is to get so drunk that I forget about on-call for a while, I need to drink enough to carry me through till August 8.

On the upside, there will be a massive nerd gathering on August 13th at some distant land with a lake with one of my coworkers. It will be sweet, a weekend of camping, clif jumping and of course heavy drinking. I think we are getting a keg. It will roxxors my boxors.

Lawnmower Man

Ah, so I got a lawnmower today. Not one of the gas powered ones, no we went back to 1950 with one of those archane human powered ones. Its nice, I'm not only mowing my lawn, I'm also getting a badass workout.

The grass in the backyard is about 6" high, I only got through about half the yard before my arms gave up. I will have to finish it later. It is supposed to be easier when the grass is nice and low. I might transport the gas mower just to get through the hard part.

Baseball fields and golf courses use a big version of my human powered mower and pull it behind a tractor to get such nice grass. Gas lawnmowers chop the grass, my mower trims the grass. Heres to a nice yard!


Ah, yes. First time drunk in the new house alone. Breaking it in.

2 more weekends before on-call again. I'm ready, bring it on.

Damn, Im starting to feel lonely. I think this weekend I will go in pursuit of a girlfriend.

This house is starting to feel more like my house. Good.



Ah. So I am all moved in now. I feel very much at ease here. Its very peaceful and beautiful. For some reason this place gives me the same feeling of adventure and blissful solitude that Lubbock did. Its a very nice feeling.

I got my computer set up in the study and got my sound system hooked up. It feels like a little studio in here. I like the feeling of having such a big house, everything is so spread out, each area has its own purpose and does not overlap with anything else.

I dont feel so cramped anymore. No more neighbors yelling all the time, no random animals running around in the house, heavy traffic close to home, nopeople working on cars at all hours of the night, no banging metal, no tools dropping on concrete. This is a very nice place.

I can't really complain about anything. I'm probably poorer than I have been in a long time, but I am much, much happier.

OMG Power!


Sweet, just got power on today. Went to the house right after work, it roxxx. Lights come on and the A/c works too. My electronic thermostat allows me to set a schedule for the A/c to come off and on, I got it set to my schedule. Sweet.

Movin time


Ah, so not much longer until I move into my new house. I have about 80% of essentials there now. I should be fully over there by next weekend. Every time I go over there I say wow, what a nice house. Its hard to imagine myself living in such a nice place, but soon I will be living here full time.

The high point of today was buying a big ass 57" TV. I was standing next to it near the exit of frys waiting for a pallet jack and everyone that walked by stared at it, then looked at me with jealous or surprised looks. I got it in my living room and it looks sweet. Too bad I dont have power yet, so I cant test it out.

So yea, good stuff, life continues.

Normal again


Ah, im back again. Today marks the end of a helacious week of on-call. Im talkin' driving to work at 4AM to reset servers, getting chewed out by doctors at 2AM, going in to the hospital 3 times in one day and taking on a regular 12 hour shift after only a few hours of sleep from on-call. Im talkin' non stop action. This past week kicked my ass. But now I am regenerating.

Ah, so I move in on Saturday, I can't wait! I haven't even started getting my shit together, oh im way too tired. I'm just gonna wait and see what happens.

Other than that I'm just drawing blanks. My mind is blank. I'm trying to remember what I did to relax before I went on call. Its so easy to get totally absorbed in work from on-call. Its like being at work 24 hours a day 7 days a week, there is no personal time, at all times you must be ready to go in, even when sleeping.

My body is still tense, it won't relax properly. I think I need a good night of uninterrupted sleep in order to fully recover.



Ah yes, finally with the power of beer I am able to erase the stressful things.

I am sure I am an addict now. Relying on beer every weekend to make things easier. Alone, no problem, beer is my friend.

I can loose myself in this sanctuary. I am not buying a house, I am not at work, I am not on a vacation I will never have. I am here.

Sex matters again. I am human again. I am not a robot.

This is life, this flavor. This smell. This room.



Well, this week has been punctuated by many stressful things.

Replacing the CEO's computer is scary, I'm confident in my abilities and all, but if I manage to screw it up in the wrong way he doesn't have to ask anyone permission to fire me. It seemed to go ok, but the real test will be Monday when he gets to use it extensively.

One of the best people that works with me almost got fired for coming in late too many times. Luckily he just got written up. He is a good friend and also I would have to bear a lot of his left-over work and he has specialized knowledge of certain systems I would have to learn as well.

One of our best, most accessable network admins resigned Monday. He was a good friend and really knew what he was doing. Now we are left with a pro admin who is rarely accessable. And a semi-accessable competent rookie.

We got a new tech. He is very good and I can tell he will make a great addition to our team after he learns the basics. The downside is that I have to train this guy, its kind of fun actually unless you are focused on very important work, say getting the CEO's computer running ASAP so you don't lose your job.

After work every day I am greeted with more paperwork to look over for the house. Each day I poured over an 80 page document trying to get through all the legal jargon in order to see what it means. I see a few places that look a little strange, but for the most part it looks ok. I should consider hiring a lawyer to take a look at it, but I think it will be ok.

The closing date is next Thursday and still no word from the Title company, I was going to call them Friday, but got caught up in too much work. I will call them Monday and see what is going on. I hate having to depend on someone else. They should at least let me know whether or not things seem ok.

Next week I go on-call. I volunteered so I would'nt have to be on call when I move into my house. But now I see I might not have had to be on call during this time anyway, so I might be giving up my 4th of July for nothing. TO add to that I realized the Final Fantasy concert is on Monday, I won't be able to attend due to on-call. So much for good $65 tickets and a relaxing night out. I need to give them to someone, I hate having things I can't use.

Well, I guess thats about it for stress and complaints. I am ready to jump into the insanity of on call, with all its sleepless nights and life interruptions. I can erase dreams of the 4th of July and Final Fantasy concert out of my head. Hopefully the closing will take place during business hours so maybe I can take a day off.

A yea


Interesting.... Things flowing smoothly at this point in time.

The reliable ticking of the metronome. Safe encapsulation from everything else in a dark room, and its steady unending beat, nothing can stop it.

All that matters is intention. The root of all action. Despite the restrictions of action intention exists universally and unconditionally.

The pages in the book keep turning. The rythmic ticking, each beat sounds the same but it is different because it is not the same beat that came before.

The only important war is with yourself, its important to keep winning.



Well, many important points in life are coming together at the same time, this leads to sacrifice and tradeoffs.

I was scheduled to go on call from July 4th to July 11th. But I am moving into my house July 8th so I decided to take on call from June 27th to July 4th. So I won't be on call when I move in.

I anticipate the closing date of my home to be sometimes during this period so I negotiated to be able to take the work hours off of any day during my time on call to accomodate the closing.

I want to hang out with my friends and family at lake texhoma who I don't get to see nearly enough on 4th of July weeked so I am moving the 4th of July weekend to the weekend after I am on call, the weekend after the 4th.

The weekend after the 4th I plan to be moving in, decorating the house, etc... so no time to go spend the night at the lake.

It pains me to think that I will not be able to hang out with my friends away from the city for a few days. I have a few options, but they are bittersweet.

1) Take the weekend of the 4th off so I can hang and in turn be on-call through the move in date.
- impossible, I cant let down my work peeps, someone else would have to take my place and sacrifice their holiday, plus I wouldn't look too good in the eyes of the boss.

2) Fuck the house and have post 4th fun
- it will be hard to leave behind a fresh new house for a few days, plus I won't be able to move furniture in until the following weekend, not a very satisfying idea.

I will have to figure something out, these two options I percieve now are not good enough. I am not sure if planning ahead will help me here. I will just have to follow my emotions when the action happens.



Damn, Im still reeling from an 11 hour shift on friday. Energy levels are pretty low, waking up at 4:45AM and then getting home at 8PM after a full day of work and meeting with a mortgage broker for an hour hurts. I didn't think it would effect my body so bad, but it feels like I've been hit with a freight train despite that it is a day later.

I'm sure time will heal me and I will feel normal again soon, but for now its flavor country, and the flavor is pain.

The house purchase is moving along nicely. If everything goes according to contract I will be living in it on July 9th. I absolutely love the house and by some good luck it is within the financial limits I set. I just need to get the mortgage cleared with the broker and then its all mine.

I'm starting to wonder what I will do with this house. It will be vacant after I leave. I want to reserve it for my brother so he can have his way with it the same way I have. I will possibly need to have a friend live in it for a while. I don't like the idea of it just sitting there without someone to take care of it and I don't want to sell it until we can fix it up.

Damn, Im too self absorbed. I need to go out and do stuff.



Depression washed away by action.

Just an empty shell. Just a full shell. Blank peaceful animalistic eyes gazing out into the peaceful darkness between white light and the stagnant abyss of the ash colored desk.

Breathing everything. The world moves so easily. Lost, but not empty.

Retaining energy for some imagined future.

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