Dammit, ive been off by a year for a few weeks now, but now i am current and I make my past current.
Ah, Im feelin pretty good today. Yesterday I capped off a 12 hour shift to
install computers on one of our new floors. I got things all set up for next
weekend which I will be working to get it all finished.
I have 5/7 computers imaged, 0/7 emar laptops imaged. So next week I have to finish those up, install them, run the wiring from the patch pannel to the switches for about 20 ports and set up a Meddirect station and a Kronos clock. Its all pretty cut and dry execept for the meddirect and the kronos stuff, I need to ask the masters how to set those up.
Im starting to love my job more and more. I get to do so much, work on a supportive team and in a friendly hospital. Its fuckin nice. I am very lucky to have this job.
I think tonight Im gonna treat myself to an expensive sushi restaurant. I kinda wish I had a special someone to bring with me, oh well. No shame in going places alone. Im not in a position where I can just dump energy into a relationship and hope it will work.
There aren't many people around my age at the hospital. Its mostly 30+ except for a handful of young med students ,but I hardly get a chance to interact with them. Its mostly managers, charge nurses, executive staff, respiratory nurses, surgeons, physicians and office staff. Oh well.
I seriously think I could live alone forever, its kinda wierd. When I first get into a relationship I never want to be in it, after a while I start liking it and can't imagine being out of it, then I get bored and get out of it and look for someone else, if I don't find anyone in a week or two I reject all notions of being in a relationship with anyone and turn into a hermit again. Good stuff, my body has a built in defense mechanism.
Today it was warm outside. Its good weather, makes me want to go outside and do
stuff instead of just bumming around the house. Simple things like driving
around with the windows down or walking in a park. Its good stuff.
I drank too much last night, had a bitch of a hangover; it just fades away and feels like you are born again.
I dont like "I" so much, I like "you" better. Its more indirect, and when I read it over again it seems like its talking to the current me and not some other me that existed only while I was typing this. But, on the other hand it sounds kinda off.
You always need to keep a small touch of feminity around. Its all too easy to forget what women are and drift off like some insane lonely sailor in the middle of the ocean. You don't want to live the rest of your life that way. Warmth is a good thing.
Nothing else too intresting. The perfect life continues.
This weekend felt really hard. Its mostly sensory overload due to the arrival
of cable and cable internet. I've put too much faith in cable and cable
internet. I expected it to come along and carry me into a world of happiness. I
forgot that I still have to work at happiness, you can't expect any matierial
good to make you feel fufilled. I just realized that today.
The happiest part of this entire weekend was when the sun broke through the clouds and doused everything in a golden glow as I was walking to my car from the grocery store. I don't think I've seen the sun all week, there was something very concrete and real about that warm feeling of the sun on my face. After being holed up in my house all weekend and holed up in the hospital all week it seemed pure.
After that I filled my belly with orange chicken from a good chinese restaurant. It feels good to be full of good food and not have any real worries for that period of time.
Next, I was walking to turn a light on. In the entryway a dull blue light came from the skylight. It was the last moments of light from the sun. The color was so dull that it could have easily been mistaken for darkness, but I caught onto it. I paused for a moment, I couldn't see my hands in front of me, but the dull light still reflected off the white tiles. A feeling of comfort swept over me, it was true peace for no reason.
Its important to not try to constantly throw material stuff at yourself in an attempt to keep you happy. Happiness is where you follow the true nothing road.
As the air above your head thins slightly as time becomes still. You think
youself something alone somewhat, while at the same time impossibly
accomplished. You are at the top of your game, exactly where you want to be on
one hand, and on the other hand you are a miserable failure.
How do you resolve this undesirable circumstance?
Its not that simple. I can't break things into this solid duality. Wait, i can actually, i see the weekends and the weekdays like day and night. I see the failure that I am on one hand and the success I am on the other. I can control this, it is not something outside of myself. I will not lie to myself and make myself believe that things are acceptable, I will not live in contentment anymore.
The pyramid I have been making is complete. There is just one space left at the top for someone. I must find this someone. I will not find her here in my room. I must journey outside and seek her out. This is my mission, this is my destiny. This is the meaning of life. To take all my knowledge and power, find an equal and transfer it onto our offspring.
I want to create and train a little Ben. I can teach him all my knowledge and he will rise above everything. Then I can die in peace.
Is that it??? Is that all?? It seems empty for some reason. There is something else there. Something that goes beyond all that and tugs at my soul. I can't put a finger on it, but when I am working on weekdays I do not feel it at all.