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The Party


There is a party at Clints house on thursday. During this break I have a lot of free time so naturally i'll be there. Somethings are bothering me however:

1) For some ungodly reason the party is on a weekday. Not that its all bad, just that it was going to be on saturday until these girls said they could only show up on Thursday so Clint changed the day. Clints entire motivation for having this party must be to get laid. (I just want beer)

2) Clint says these girls "Just want to get drunk and fuck the shit out of us". These girls must be some major sluts, I bet the entire reason for changing the day is so they can get fucked again on saturday to 1)make up for some lack of fatherly attention, 2)reconcile a divorce or 3)get male attention. At any rate these girls must have some major problems to want to go to this party and "fuck the shit out of us".

3) Girls under 30 never want JUST sex. There is probabaly some plan to start a relationship based on this future drunken sexual encounter, they want to sink their hooks in, before you know it they are "pregnant" and then I'll have to marry them at an early age and my carreer/educational ambitions will go to shit.

4)a. Assuming these are "Party girls". Party girls usually "experiment" with a wide array of drugs and other shit. They come to the party and light up some fatties or shoot up some juice, or snort shit then before you know it your either holding her hand as the doctor attempts to revive her or runnin like hell as the cops bust in and start arrestin random people.

b. Assuming these girls are anywhere normal they will bring their boyfriends and then we'll just have another freaking dude fest just like the countless other parties.

c. Assuming these girls are "homely" the party will go to a standstill as we try to get them to leave as quickly and as tactfully as possible.

d. Assuming these girls are undercover cops. We all get busted for underage drinking. And lots of other shit happens.

e. Assuming these girls are "bitches"(i.e. cold, boring, hateful, spiteful, belittling, yelling a alot). My self-esteem which ive spent years rebuilding gets downgraded and i must rebuild again.

f. Assuming these girls are "chicklets"(i.e. underage(1-14), spastic, overreactive to anything ordinary, overreactive to anything, overreactive in general). I'll have to bail or find a nice quiet room where I can play "Half-Life" or "Everquest" and get drunk.

5) There is a possiblility the girls are "good" and I do get laid. I have to worry about STDs, pregnancy, commitment, etc....

I think i covered about everything. In conclusion I am going to the party, but with a lot on my mind. I have no choice but to see these girls "cold-turkey". In the end, however, I can do two basic things- stay or flee. I think I should go into this my normal happy/somewhat insane self and I'll take it as it comes.

note: excuse the overusage of quotes and the words "shit" and "fuck". P.s. who cares its my entry, I can cuss all I want.

"Control your life through insanity" -Dead Metallica guy

Girls II


I just got back from the party. Still a little drunk off the 3 beers I had. I had to drive my friends home so I couldn't drink more. I can't go back to drink more because of the women. Girls would actually be a more fitting term to describe them. They fit every dimention of the word. They were incredibly immature, I don't even remember 18 year olds being that immature when I was 18. They yelled, ran around, talked of the most mundane and obvious (spelling?(evil spell check)(spelling not important, not english paper)) things, if I had to summarize three girls of 18 into one word it would most definatly be annoying. Even before the alcohol they were annoying. The alcohol only served to facilitate their annoyingness (word?(see above"()")). They didn't look bad at all, they actually looked quite decent, they were well dressed and it was obvious they spent a lot of time getting ready for this. They just wern't to the same mental level as me, there was no connection between any of them and me, they exist on another plane of exsistance where being hyper, predictable and trying too hard to fit in prevail. I felt there was something else inside them, waiting to get out, but they just covered it up with a "hi im a generic girl" attitude. So, this "party" was hardly fun, although i do enjoy time away from my ever addictive computer. I spent the night staring at the TV, watching a variety of parts of movies, these girls seemed to have a short attention span as they prodded clint to change the movie every 30 minuites or so, quite annoying. These girls make me think of her again, the way we connected as people, (or at least the way I connected with her as the inverse may not be true). I miss that connection with other humans, I haven't found it since my detatchment to her. SSasd....sad..... Oh well I always have beer and my computer to connect with, which is a lot more than I can connect with in the "real world". Oh god there i go feeling sorry for myself again, I hope the pain doesn't come back. I had hoped it had left me forever. But, perhaps I will face it again, once and for all. I can't wait for the spring semmester again so I can comfortably drown out EVERYTHING else with schoolwork, then over the summer work will replace school, eventually I'll find a way to continually block out the pain. I can at least take comfort in the fact that some day all this will leave, no more pain, no more suffering, no more damned life.



I feel really delirious this morning. Lots of energy. I have been making funny jokes by myself and laughing at them for the past few hours. Everything seems funny somehow. I need a new guitar pedal and maybe a new amp, I wish my guitar could sound better. Wow i guss thats it......



I feel shitty. My body feel as if it has no energy. My mind feels drained as well. Today i've seen too many movies with blood, gore and death. Today i've heard too many songs about depression and life being shitty; the same way i feel. Tomorrow I have to leave my hibernation chamber and go to the bank, I don't want to go anywhere, the roads will be bad. I doubt that is where this horible feeling comes from though. I don't know where it comes from, I should be happy; no school to worry about, but then again maybe school is what keeps me going, it keeps challenging my mind. Maybe thats why I feel so bad, my mind is rotting in a stagnent environment, that would certaintly explain this feeling. Maybe ill just have to deal with it until school starts again. Until my mind has some places to go. I need to find a way to be happy. I need to not think of life and death, I need to not be sad. At some point I'll find a way....



Well tonight I though about getting an internship this summer. I already know I need to get one, but tonight I actually enjoyed the thought of it. I can't wait, hopefully i'll find a job where every day i'm given programming puzzles to solve and my employeers will let me solve them in my own special way without too strict of a structure. That seems to be the only thing on my mind at the moment.

I just had a flashback of this morning, it was very disturbing, I was at clint's helping him pack up to move to his new house. Everything was going along smoothly then as clint and I were about to take a break from it mrs. clint comes in and raises hell. She really let loose at clint with me right behind him no less, it really destroyed my morning. She kept on bitching about how clint needed to get packed right away, she wanted to see his room totally clean within the next 30min. Clint kept on saying that he would have time, and he really would; there wasn't much left. But we wanted to chill, there really wasn't a reason for us to finish that quickly. But she just kept on yelling in the most obnoxious/anger ridden tone she could muster. After a while it became apparent to me that this woman wouldn't listen to any kind of reason, I think she was on some power trip or something, or maybe the stress of moving got to her, maybe she didn't get enough sleep or something, or maybe a combination of the above. Eventually clint lied and said he was going to do something to his car or something, i dont remember. I was really emotionally unstable after his moms outburst. It really bothered me I felt angery at my inability to understand her, i wanted to hit her or something and at the same time I wanted to cry; with the tone she used when yelling u would think an atom bome was about to kill everyone or that we just killed someone. How can a person have such an enormous reaction to a seeming trivial event. When I moved I simply got my stuff at a leisurly pace, said goodbye to my parents and left. If I was in Mrs.Clints position I would of allowed clint the entire day to move, Wall wasnt movin in until tomorrow anyway, why the rush. If anything I would have just givin him an ultimatum- move your stuff before sundown, after the sun sets all leftovers will be thrown out. Common, how hard is this!! Needless to say I have lost a LOT of respect for mrs. clint, she handeled this situation in a totally childish manner and at the very least could have said sorry to me for exposing me to such immature behavior. BAH

That leaves a very bad taste in my mouth, but if I didn't deal with it I would feel even worse... I need to end on a happy note, or at least a less bitter one. hmm... Almost new years, I guess thats good, party planned, beer mmm good. I watched some metallica videos today, I finally found the one where they play the interlude in "To Live is to Die", it was soo sweet, i've been practicing it for weeks without hearing it. God after attempting it so many times it sounds so good hearing a full band playing it perfectly, maybe even better than hearing it for the first time. I'll continue practicing it and maybe one day i'll nail it or a least a modified version of it. Well I feel better now so good-bye for now friend.