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Wow, I haven't used this thing in a while. I'm kind of bored, what an intresting way to pass time, to think of something to write.


For the past two days the AC has been broken. Its like sleeping outside, except your inside and there is no breeze besides the fans. But now its all good, got it fixed today.

Hehe, other than that not much is going on. I should have gone to the bank today to transfer some funds and get some cash so I can get beer later, but instead I'm just gonna dig up 8 quarters and buy a 40.


I haven't masterbated in a week. Its kind of strange. I have more energy now and more mental capacity. Its kind of entertaining. But I know if anything "gets me going" I won't be able to stop myself. Like a fuse, right now its not lit, I can only imagine the invisible matches flying around the fuse. If one were to ignite the fuse there would be nothing to stop it.


I've had the unexplainable urge to put my hand down the drain and turn the garbage chopper on. I want to because I don't seem to care about the results, I just want to prove how resolute I am. I want to do this for myself, its a strange feeling. But there is something stopping me thankfully. I am not really sure if I spontaneously want to do this and mental deliberation stops me or if mental deliberation makes me want to do it and just instinct stops me. I really don't want to do it though.


Music sounds good in its most refined stages. After weeks or months have been spent taking an idea or a concept and cleaning it up good. Raw music can sound bad. Its just a random idea, dirty, lots of unnecessary things. Raw. Right now my brother is messing around with the guitar and it sounds shitty.


Life is strange. As individuals we never know who we are to other people. We know our own thoughts and emotions, thats about it. A vague sense of being alive, like floating. Like seeing the reflection of the moon in a pond on a black night. You see it so clearly in the pond, it seems so close, a small glowing ball at your feet. But then you reach for it and your hand freezes as it pierces the water. The moon dissapears in the ripples. You can see it so clearly, but you can never touch it or hold it.

Some people take a cupful of water out of the lake and carry it around with them, pretending they can carry what they are. Others strip off their clothes and dive into the lake with the reflection, they immerse themselves in the truth. Others are satisified to walk away and not even think about it.


Skin in bag, very good. Approved dry, clear. Festival center conductor. Two council colors.


I feel like I am digging into something. Sometimes its light and airy, sometimes its too heavy to carry. When I become unaware of myself digging am I still digging or have I truly stopped?



Wow, this last week has been a blur. Im working later until school starts. Went through about 20 laptops Friday innoculating them against that new virus and gave a 5min presentation to the students about the network. And I still have more stuff to finish up Monday. Flew to and from Amarillo on Wednesday to learn about stuff and help them innoculate 1200 computers. "Saved" computers Monday and Tuesday as the virus spread around in Dallas. But thats not so important.

Im talking about interation with people. Thats important. I think this job has helped my people skills, I feel more at ease now around people. I know how to interact with them now on some level. Its kinda cool.


Ok enough of the bullshit.

Many of my friends wont be here next weekend. Its scary. I will be here alone again.

Goddamit, everytime i get drunk I get all emotional. I hate emotions! Fuck emotions, go to hell! I have enough going on in the world, I dont neeed emotions! They just get in the way of action! They disrupt thought!

I cannot find pure action in this hell. Why do I feel sad when a girl leaves, why do I feel attached to her? I never really knew her before, but tonight I saw a part of her soul and I became addicted to it. Why?.... It just gets in the way. Go away emotions! Go home you little fuckers!!


Wow, so life has changed again. From one way of living to another. I go out into something and then move to something else and then back to the something.

When you look at it from above, life is an endless cycle. It seems so generic, like unchanging roads. But when you actually live life it is not a cycle at all. It is a constantly changing thing.

Without reflection everything is new. Only when you sit down and think back does it seem like its already been done before.

Live life now, no need to focus on anything else.


I am traveling down a road. Around me is fire. I am alone. Fear grips my soul, but at the same time I push forward.

It is calm now, I am eating. My soul eats.


Fear, but a steady calm at the same time. Like a waterfall.

My gun blazes into the night. Alone.
A shot into the sky, a bright flare to light my way.
My gun has aim now, I am in control.


Seconds move inside me.
Time grows still.
Breath, In and out.


Marching down the hall
Vibrant red around in my head
Things move around me


Deep in the water
No fire to breathe life
I die


Is it right just because I wrote it?

Work = fun


Wow I feel pretty dang good now. My schedule is so cramped its crazy. Strangly it feels good to be doing so much all the time, I don't really feel burnt out at all.

On the weekdays I leave for work at 8am get home at 9pm and then sleep at 10pm. So I get a whole hour of free time each day. And this weekend I spend a large portion of the time trying to learn Java and program some simple graphics applets for my graphics class.

When I had lots of free time I thought about how terrible it must be to work all the time, but actually it feels pretty good. It seems I am a workaholic now.