Wow its been so long since ive written. I dunno where to start, where I was at
my last entry as a being is totally different than where I am now.
It is nearing the end of summer, Ive had so much time to do things because I took only half of summer for school.
Many events have happened in the last month, I smoked weed with my brother and which was a strange experience.
Half of my friends smoke it the other half dont. That night I drank so much and made myself weak. I couldnt resist the urge. Thad and Amanda tried to stop me from going outside, but to no avail. I smoked it, it took me from a drunken stupor to a rainbow of emotions.
I lost the ability to regulate my emotions, they poured out hour after hour. All that I keep bottled up inside the hate, sadness... depression, happiness.
It all began in the bathroom, I stared at myself in the mirror for aeons, then the hatred came. I yelled at myself at the top of my lungs, I hate myself for not taking control of my life, I allow myself to sit and watch life drift by, I dont do what i want to do, I simply wait for opportunity to come to me.
I yelled so loud, the sound still echos in my ears. It was so loud my friends heard and came to me and took me into Jasons room on the waterbed. They all surrounded me, it was wierd, they actually felt my pain and tried to comfort me, I had never experienced that.
So I started crying. Like a little girl. I started and it wouldnt stop. So many things to cry about. I remembered my grandad, the way he was such a strong man, he was in many ways the same person I am. He was so quiet and always kept his emotions in check, so gentle, but still strong and ready to face life. But, he was always caught up in money and making money for his children and grandchildren, he was an unemotional man, but he earned the respect of everyone around him. I cried because I remembered how this man was reduced to a wheelchair and urine bag, a nursing home. Before he was so strong, now barely clinging to life. I cried because i never cried for him at his funeral, it was my respect for him.
Then I thought of my dog, he will die some day, i cried more
Then I cried because I thought of myself and how I will die some day and how i am wasting my life away.
Then i started crying for no reason. My brother grabbed my head and told me it was alright. Tommy pulled me to him and i cried on his shoulder. Eventually I stopped.
Then I looked to my right and saw this beautiful girl, I cant remember her name, she told me it was alright and smiled, then I smiled. I couldnt stop smiling, i was so happy. I realized I had friends around me who cared for me, life isnt so bad.
Over the next few hours I mellowed out and reverted to my stock self, slept the best I had in a while.
The next few days I hated myself, I realized I had broken a sacred oath to myself never to smoke that drug again, I betrayed myself, I swore again to never do it again.
The days passed slowly, a party every weekend, maybe some new people. I would get drunk every saturday this summer.
The weekdays passed like molassas. I long for the days of college, every day thoughts pass through my head and then another day. another day. just like that. I should have taken the opportunity to get a job, but now it is too late.
Just about 2 weeks I have. Ive been trying to get out of the house, but something keeps me here, i know there are things i need to do outside, but i just cant do them. Ive turned into some shadow of my former self. I feel like I want to die sometimes.
This really isnt so bad i guess, i have time to get in touch with myself, to bad the true core of my being isnt too great hehe. Im better off with a good distraction like school or work. hehe, for some reason this is a strange realization.
Ah a distraction. I have become moreso obsessed with Japan this summer, if it wasnt for my laziness I would have taken a vacation there. Instead I suffice it by reading the journals of travellers there and the journals of people who live there. I am impressed with the amount of japanese that write fluent english, graphic accounts of life in small living spaces, interesting customs and ways of life. Such a rich history that country has. The brutality of opposing clans, the peacefulness and mushin no mind of the monks, the beauty of cherry blossoms, ancient shrines, natural spring baths, beautiful countryside, extensive train transportation systems, ramen - not like the freeze dried crap we have here but eateries that make it on the spot with different kinds of noodles and "toppings". God I want so bad to learn japanese and live out there. I should take some japanese classes and take a vacation out there it would be so neat.
Well tomorrow I have set a goal for myself: I will get out of the house for pleasure and maybe take care of some business.
It feels so good to write all this, as if somehow by writing it the burden i carry from being alive is taken off my shoulders. at least for a moment. Farewell diary, i do not know when we will next meet, but i enjoyed your company :)