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Today I discovered that politics and laws destroy art and enjoyment in some people.

This is almost counter-intuitive though. How can something as vague and non-existant as anothers will, or the will of the "country" cause some people to stop their own personal expression and delve into a world where only politics and law exist. Why would someone want to sacrifice their humanity to exist with words and organization.

Maybe im overgeneralizing something that just happened. I saw a mans diary that was not filled with his own thoughts or his "essence". His entry was filled instead with the terms of use for my dear diary and an explanation of them [retention team usa] to clarify some points to someone. The point is that someone....... I dont know.

I havent had much sleep lately and find it hard to consentrate. I had to wake up at 8 today to go to a 3 hour calculus 2 review session for summer finals. My brain is too fulll of numbers, formulas and concepts to delve into art the way I want to.

I dont like the idea that some people restrain themselves from free action because they cant see their true self and dont understand themself. They only see someone looking over their sholder or an unfamiliar shadow when they look at the ground.
Maybe im the one who restrains himself and thats why i feel this way.

I should be asleep by now, I dont know why i fight sleep so much, I dont feel like sleeping. If I let down my guard for a short time I will sleep.

I doont know, Im just going to breathe for a while, it feels good

The Filling


Well tomorrow is my fillings appointment at the dentist. I am typing this in an attempt to lessen my fears and prepare myself for the actual procedure.

I have been afraid of dentists for a long time now, yet I have managed to go to every appointment and make it through every procedure. I believe my fear is of the injections of lidocaine into the cheek. My last appointment was to have 4 wisdom teeth removed, it required 6 subsequent injections. The first three were ok, the effects of the nitrous oxide hit pretty hard. But at the forth one my fears of the pain slipped into my conscious stream, I became nervous, even frightened. I had to "push" myself into the chair and grip the armrests as hard as I could to keep from moving or jumping up and running. I could hear the doctor and the assistant chatter on about how many injections they had given me and how many were to come, at one point the words "I THINK that was 6" startled me, gave me the impression they didnt know what they were doing.

After the shots all was fine until I could feel my heart racing and the nitrous started causing hallucinations. The doctor was getting ready to make the first incision and time stopped. Everything froze like a paused videogame and the last three words the doctor said repeated them selves over and over, "Here we go, Here we go, here we go......." I though I was dead, I had no perception of time. I snapped back into "reality", the doctor asked if I was ok, I said yes, he continued with the procedure. Everything else went fine and fast.

Maybe this is why im so afraid of tomorrow, but it should be like that right. The wisdom teeth extraction took 3 hours, this tommorow will only take a 1 and 1/2 hours. Also ill only need 2 injections ......hopefully. Plus Ill get nitrous. This time ill be better with the nitrous. If you allow negative thoughts to enter your mind while on nitrous they become nightmares. Ill try to zone out or at least think about good things, or recite math formulas. I just need to remember to breath and relax my body.

I feel better now, also 3 hours of looking at fear of dentist mesageboards helped too. Tomorrow will be an experience.



I got my feared fillings today. It actually wasnt that bad. I made sure to tell the doctor guys not to give me very much nitrous, they didn't and I had an excellent "trip". Also, the cavities were very small so they didnt use and local anthestesia. No numbness, it was great. There was a little bit of pain though, nothing compared to the fear I felt before I went in.

On a side note: I just realized my male dentist works with an all female staff, its quite amusing.

Well now I just have to study for finals and take em tomorrow then I get 2 week summer break. I feel really confident about calc 2 finals, I can practically recall all the formulas and rules I need anytime. yay


For some reason I feel like typing, it seems nothing else in the universe will give me the pleasure this does.

I finished finals today, did really good, well I feel I did really good anyway, warm fuzzy feeling. I had trouble with one problem, but I worked with it for about 30min and I got an answer, it may defy the laws of math, but it feels good just to have an answer, even if its not the right one.

I think I had an idea for a story to write or something, but i forgot it. It was probably based loosely on a dream. Dreams make the best stories because they are so strange, dealing more with emotions than anything in reality.

2 weeks, the time I have before fall semmester starts, this is my summer right now, it just started. I already feel insane though, no goals of any major importance. Nothing to think about or figure out. Just me and my stuff. It seems harder to make your own goals than to have goals thrust upon you. Or at least the goals you make up somehow dont seem as important as goals that involve other people in a big way.

I'm not really getting any pleasure from writing this, its not "meaty" enough, its just another distraction.

Inside and out


Ive been thinking about how I percieve reality in response to my problems "getting out" into a realm where there are conscious/aware of their own existance people.

There are three modes i can be in, im not sure if everyone has these modes or if its just me.

All self, no others - When I am inside my head and become focused on internal processes (thoughts in response to thoughts, feelings, hint of emotions, no thoughts). Everything I look at becomes dulled as I dont reflect on it, I only see the inside. My breath becomes very apparent. It seems this state happens sometimes, usually when im alone in my room, sometimes when in class taking in a lecture or taking a test, sometimes even when driving.

No self, all others - When there is no "I". Feels as if im floating when i remember when there was no i. The only thing that reminds me of I is that i can see and hear. My body fades into nothing. Existance is what I can see and what i can hear. All burdens wash away into nowhere. The focus is what is going on around me, people leap into existence, they all have their own essence. This state is quite rare, its like coming out of the ocean for a breath of air. Ive felt it when walking down a hall, sitting in a room of strangers, usually when drunk.

Self and others - When there is awareness of both thoughts and others semi-essences. People seem somewhat like objects except they are unpredictable, people are only means for me to reach my ends or they do not exist. Thoughts only exist to serve a purpose, they do not flow. Goal oriented state, sadly this is the "stock" condition of myself. Time can pass fast or ooze by.

No self, no others - No awareness of self or others. Everything exists on a single plane. Time is percieved as one moment after another. Like a flip book, a moment is a page. I dont know much about this state, no memories of it, only a vague aftertaste of it. To expand on it further would be to defeat its existence.

I hoped to gain some sort of knowledge or at least confidence about what I have to do tomorrow from this(get out of the house to do things), but all ive done is categorize different ways I exist. Perhaps not a literal but more artistic approach to existence will give me confidence.


Recon was a dog who had no thoughts. Moment after moment he would act.


bah that didnt do anything, lets try something else


The monk was uncertain of future events. This uncertainty made him aprehensive of the future. He didnt want to do anything but remain in his peaceful cottage in the middle of the forest where his future was certain, he was the only element of his existence and had to take no action save that which his whims willed him to take. He knew for his future he wished to have a beautiful water garden, full of locus, frogs, bamboo, cherry trees and koi he could tend to every day. To make this garden he knew he had to walk many hours on a heavily traveled mountain pass to the city in order to obtain supplies. People are unpredictable he thought as he stared out at the moon on a crisp august night. He could be robbed by bandits. He could meet up with people he couldnt understand. The shopkeeper may be in a sour mood or may not have the supplies needed, future trips may be necessary. He thought these events would frustrate him and his clear mind would be clouded. But his water garden dream would be lost without supplies, this would be even worse than the hardships he would face as he traveled. The monk knew he was going to go to town tomorrow, even against his impulses to not go. For the monk it was now a matter of putting his mind at ease. Strange, he thought, how thoughts of hardships he would face clouded his mind perhaps more so than the experiences themselves. That instant the monk realized the futility of these thoughts he had, his goal of facing an unknown future with a clear mind would not be reached. It was this realization that put the monks mind at ease, fueled by a strange feeling of comfort a large smile emerged on the monks face. The smile remained on his face as he blew his candle out and drifted off to a dewy sleep.


The monk performed his task. His mind became clear. His actions were experienced first hand. Hisself faded away and existence became the people and things outside his body. As he was walking home through the mountain pass at dusk to his warm cottage in the middle of the forest a moment seized him and moment flowed like a river. He understood what his withered staff was.


I am in extacy now, hehe. nothing else


ugh im tired of titles, i tried to think of something, couldnt think of anything. Titles are limiting anyways it gives the impression these entries have some sort of cohesion or something.

Anyhew, tomorrow will be my last day before school starts. I cant wait for it. These 2 weeks off ive had are getting stagnent. I neeed external mental stimulation. i get a headache from doing the same thing everyday. Im ready to get out and do stuff. Next summer i need to get an internship for all of summer, summer semmester is wayy to short.

Of course in a few weeks ill probably be stressed out, but thats just the price you pay for fun and entertainment. Thats also part of what makes life interesting, highs and lows. Summer = all highs, that gets old, everything becomes mediocre. Every hour of the clock in summer spent doing nothing is like thick syrup oozing down and out a dark pipe. But when most time is spent pushing your brain to its limits every hour of doing nothing becomes a golden nugget of joy.

When you know the tree and the door knob your reality will be nothing and not-nothing at once.



School started, its neat. Something else to do. Mind slightly more at peace.

Got a neat book about how Zen effected certain aspects of Japan in its earlier years. A peaceful but harsh book. Some of the most disturbing parts tell of the way of the warrior, "bushido". Warriors were trained to stop the dualism of life and death and instead think of only one and nothing. Allow your opponent to cut your skin, pierce his bones; allow your opponent to pierce your bones then pierce his organs; allow your opponent to pierce your organs, then take his life. Embrace death and life at the same time and your sword will not fail you in a fight it says. Do not hesitate for a second, move and attack. Death can come at any moment. The book tells of the children of a dying father who killed themselves to guide him to the nothing. Of monks who were caught in a time of war, who peacefully led themselves to the center of their temple as invading forces set fire to it. Each monk says a profound statement of existence and as the fire just reaches them the master says, "For peaceful meditation we need not go to the mountains and streams, when thoughts are quieted down the fire its-self it cool and refreshing". To die with a clear conscience and peacful mind.

This aspect of the book shocks me, in America we treat death as somewhat of a taboo subject. But the idea of getting intimate with death and the moment of death brings me endless facination and fear at the same time.

There is another interesting part as well, a lighter side to the militiristic existence of a samuri. The book says: Make yourself scarce, stay out of the public eye entirely all the while doing things to help your fellow beings. Treat your enemy as your friend, be civil, realize you are both only fighting due to circumstance of the world around you, both of you are still beings. Give your opponent the same burial you would give your best friend. Your swords represent your discipline, to be used only to pacify those who murder beings, never for destruction. Wear your long blade next to a shorter blade to kill yourself with. Realize you see things through a clouded mind, and then forget yourself as you act. This is the light side of existence.

Moving along, hehe, i dont really know where to go from here, I feel satisfied.