I feel guilty right now. I went to feed the fish a few minutes ago and as I was looking at them an overwhelming sense of guilt took over. I saw one fish. A plant in the aquarium had somehow fallen over onto it, it was trapped. I took a stick and moved the plant back to its rightful place. The fish swam free. Then I noticed the fish were darting around randomly in the aquarium, i sensed they were hungry. I think my mom fed them this morning but I fed them again anyways. Then I turned their light out so I wouldn't forget to later. I felt guilty as I saw the fish swim around. I thought of how horrible it must be to be trapped all day. Of course they probably don't experience this the same way I felt they did at that moment. It seems irrational to feel guilty for something i'm not directly responsible for. I don't know why I feel this way, I only know that it feels like I just killed someone very close to me. Horrible feeling. I wonder if anyone else has ever felt this way over something so "trivial". Maybe that will make me feel better. I think I'm a very rational person. When things happen inside me that cant be explained by ration I feel insecure about myself. There's nothing I myself can do about this feeling, I simply must acknowledge it and distract myself somehow. I think im going to play some computer games now.
Last night I went to the Metallica make-up concert. This concert was to make up for the last one where James hurt his back and couldn't sing. The concert rocked they played lots of old and new songs. I think they played every song I like. There weren't very many hot girls there though, oh well it was still fun. It didn't even matter that I went alone. I was there with Metallica and that is all that matters. Big fun.
Strange how I seem to write on the weekends. Maybe its because it's Saturday night and I feel I should have something special to do outside my house. Oh well.... Today wasn't really so bad. I played Diablo 2 for a major portion of the day. Dispite the comings and goings of various friends in my house I still managed to stay glued to my computer. Until Kari came over anyways. She, Bino and Jared were going to get a movie to watch so I decided to tag along. We rented some old parody of Shaft and the gansta lifestyle I can't remember the title. It was funny. After watching it at Kari's house I went home and chilled with Tommy, Thad and my bro until now. This day was one of my more active this summer. I still can't say i'm content with my life as it is now though. I have this general feeling that i'm missing something in my life. Maybe it's just a feeling that I'm not taking command of my life. It seems I am always led around by others as far as having a life goes. Without others I would just stay inside my house all day and never communicate with the outside world. Maybe I miss Zen, I haven't really meditated in many months. I think I will try meditating sometime soon. Or maybe i'm missing my guitar. Since I organized my room a few months ago my guitar just sits in the closet. I need to play it, I can already feel the calluses on my fingers fading away. Funny, just by typing that I feel better, I don't understand why. I feel warm inside, like i'm really alive. Such a good feeling. I really need to acknowlege the power of writing in a diary, it makes me feel better. I think I know what it is that seems missing from my life. Me. I need to think more in terms of how I feel and what I'm thinking instead of always trying to transcend those feelings and thinking.
Right now i'm listening to this new trance CD I bought earlier today. It's
really chilling me out. I am caught up in its alluring beats and singing. Well,
i'm getting "tired" I better go for now.
Today was interesting. I went to the new mall in frisco today. It was a very big mall. The architecture of it was very new to me. There were lots of people there, many of them were attractive women. I must go back there some day they have starbucks, suncoast and a video game store, all I need to have fun. I mowed the lawn late in the day, just as it was getting dark. I couldn't really see if I did a good job. But it was fulfilling none the less. I watched Real World at Tommy and Thad's house. It brought up something which I seldom think about. Racisim. One of the white girls on the show somehow got into a conversation about racism with one of the black girls. To me she seem overly sensitive to her race. The white girl on the other hand seemed naive to what race it all about. She had never had close contact with a black person her entire life, 4 years of high school and 3 years of college. She had been taught to avoid black people and as a result never appreciated black people on the same level as white people. I think black people and white people are on the same level. But how can this be true when race is an issue to some people. Some white people hate black people. Some black people hate white people. Not only that but our government and some colleges give special treatment to "minorities" and whites. With this happening how ca blacks and whites be on the same level? As long as I transcend skin color as a medium to judge people I am not racist. For me racism does not exist. I can't use my whiteness as an excuse for anything.
Moving on.... I feel content right now. I don't feel any positive or negative forces in me. I simply exist, no more no less. I really wish I had something to write about though. Some words to pour from my soul like tears from watery eyes. But, there is nothing. No strong emotion pulling me any direction. Just random thoughts that enter my head. Well since I have nothing more to say I will leave for now. Bye Diary
HEHE, I just read the title I chose for this diary. 7 Acres of Hell. It's so retarded. It has nothing to do with my life. I think I heard it once on a Rob or White Zombie cd. It just sounds cool. It's funny how it doesn't fit anything in my life, it's so ill suited to be a name of a diary. Oh well, it gives me something to laugh about. The Lestat thing fits good, I think. It reminds me of the first time I read "Interview with the Vampire", Ah what a fun experience.
Today I went to UTD to get books. I read the prefaces to all of them. They all sound interesting. I can't wait for classes to start. I especially like the computer science book, I had to tear myself away from it after the first chapter because I would accidentially read all of it if i didn't. I don't want to ruin the fun of discovering new things. :)
Whoa, I just realized I have already written in this diary today. Oh well, too
late to stop. Hmm... I don't really have anything to type right now, but I feel
like typing anyways. I'll just bullshit. For those of you who don't understand
this bullshit concept I will explain. Bullshitting is the act of doing
something without full effort or care. For example: If I punch a punching bag
with all effort and attention to balance this is not bullshitting.But, if I
raise my arm and carelessly toss it at the bag this is bullshitting. Other
examples of bullshitting could include: bullshit driving, bullshit running,
bullshit repairing, bullshit talking, Etc.....
Damn I know I need to sleep so I can get on schedule for school. Oh well fuck it, Im not going to sleep until I feel the slow fading of sleep pulling itsself to me. I was just reading a diary from someone else regarding sleep. Maybe its common to Want to sleep but not Feel like sleeping. I wonder if this makes sense. This whole diary. When I read over it it makes sense to me, but maybe that's just because I wrote it. When others read it maybe it doesn't make sense. I fear this is unreadable. Wait this is my diary who cares if others can't read it. But, If I can't type a diary maybe I can't type reports either. Whoa...stop. I worry too much I need to stop myself from worrying."It's all ok", "calm now", "no worries". :) Ugh. I'm not consciously worring now but what if my subconsciousness is worring and it manifests itsself as this strange feeling. Wierd-maybe im just tired. sleep soon
Weed is stupid. I think people only smoke it because they want to feel cool. I smoked it, twice. I felt nothing. My vision only blurred slightly and I felt really depressed the next day. Weed is stupid. There are cops everywhere I feel like they are following me. Waiting for me to slip up.. wait im not doing anything illegal. Yesterday I was at the carwash...around one in the morning. With Thad and Jason. The cop drove behind me and stopped for a second. Then he floored it and circled around the building real fast. Wierd. The day before a cop drove by my house then pulled into an adjacent driveway for a second. Then he turned around and stopped infront of my house for a second then drove off. wierd. Cops have too much freedom in this country, but I guess they need it to stop the "bad" people. If I want to drive 130 on public roads I ought to be able to without fear of cops. My only fear should be that I might wreck. At that speed my senses should be alert for potential accidents, not alert for the presence of police.
ANYWAY im going to sleep soon... after reading more diaries.
Today I realized something, or rather recognized something in me that has been
there for weeks. I thought about it before but I just now felt it. While I was
alone taking a bath with a cold. For weeks iv'e been "seeing"
her in the cars I drive past. Sometimes I'll "see" her multiple times a day in
different cars. I'll hallucinate and think she's in my room but when I enter
noone's there. Just now I felt like she was in my room as I was taking a bath.
She was just sitting in my room waiting for me to come out. She wanted to talk
all night about a large variety of subjects until the sun came up. She wanted
to let herself into my life again. She wanted to laugh at my poor attempts to
make jokes just to make me feel like I could mke someone happy. Like I have the
capability to make someone's good life even better. And most of all she wanted
to be warm, loving, somewhat insecure self because she knows that she can be
that way around me. But as I opened the door my heart burst, for Chelsea was
not there in my room waiting for me. I was all alone.
I don't know what to do about this. I stopped calling her because I felt my heart slowly crumble as I would come home every few months and she wouldn't be available to me. Or when we would plan to get togather and she would dump me at the last second with some Bullshit excuse. Then I started to feel a little better. But now I wish I never stopped calling her. I feel really insane. There's nothing I can do. I'm trapped. If I call her I'll feel depressed when she hangs up and we haven't made plans to do anything or when we make plans but they are canceled by her at the last second. If I don't do anything im stuck just where I am now. I miss her. She was so beautiful, she was such a beautiful person inside and out. I feel like crying now. I'm trapped in a hell on earth.