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I feel pretty good now. Got some beer going on and stuff. On a nice hot summer night beer tastes the best. Only in Dallas. Gotta have all that humidity for the beer to taste just right. In Lubbock its too dry.

I spent today just totally doing nothing. I know I have projects and stuff to do but I just sat on my ass. It was kinda cool I guess, but after a while I start getting depressed. With no work or goal or anything life sucks. Gotta have something to do always.

Like now, besides writing a diary im on AOL and drinking beer. See I have this badass agenda, its all good.

At work yesterday I got to play with a badass digital camera. The boss is going on a trip to Lubbock and wanted me to give him the low down on the camera, so I got like 1 hour to fuck around with it. It took perfect pictures. About $500, I want to get one for my traveling adventures after I graduate. I took some pics of my office, just so I wont forget what it looks like.

Ah hell. I dunno, gonna hang and shit, laterz diary.


Ah, another week gone by. Man, only 4 weeks till I graduate. I'm getting close to the top of the mountain. After I crest this mountain I will look for the next mountain to climb.

Without challenges life has no meaning.

First, I will travel around a little, see how life is like in different places. Then I will return here and pursue my career.

Right now I have around 20,000 in the bank, a paid off house and a paid off car. I could probably live comfortably for a few years without any worries, but I need a challenge.

My challenge is to take my degree in computer science and turn it into a programming job. Since the market is flooded with grads looking for work now I will have to be unique, I will have to offer a company something that the others can't. I will offer to work for free for 3 months, I will promise to be exactly what they are looking for, I will allow them to fire me on the spot if I do not perform as expected. After 3 months they will have to decide if they want to pay me to keep me or fire me. So I will end up with either 3 months of experience to add to my resume or a paying job. This is my plan. Since money isn't an issue at this point I can't lose.

I love my field of study. Just thinking about this kind of stuff makes my blood rush. Right now I am truly at the prime of my life. I want to master everything about programming.


Today at work I got a sign on my door:

Ben Howard
Computer Services

It made me realize how far I have come. From shitty high school, not caring about anything. To a job trimming trees and driving a truck. To a few years floating lost in college. To finding what I want to do with my life and focusing on college. To getting a part time job to improve my knowledge of computers. To having my own office and a goddamned sign on my door with my name.

I never thought I could be so satisfied with my life as it is now and have such an optimistic view of the future.

Yes, in a few weeks I will be at the peak I will have conquered one challenge. The sun will rise and shine light on my next road to victory.


I just had an epiphany. I realized that "thing" thats always nagging me like a thorn in my side no matter what I do. I want to be a robot.

I want all these petty human emotions to go away. I dont want to notice hot girls on campus. I dont want to get pissed off when im on the train surrounded by a bunch of babbling highschoolers. I dont want to experience the uneasiness of the realization that in two weeks my life as I know it now will cease to exist. I dont want to fear death. I dont want the sense of unfulfillable desire I feel when I see a girl that looks like Sarah Michelle Gellar walking down the street smiling at me as I sit in the train. I dont want the experience of fulfillment when my boss says I can use him as a reference. I don't want to feel fear when I cross the street in downtown dallas and almost get ran over.

I am constantly fighting my emotions. Trying to keep them as unseen as possible. I dont like experiencing emotions.

This is why I feel like my life is in turmoil now, the constant fighting. However, at some point I will learn to enjoy fighting myself again, and things will go back to normal.


Ok I feel better now.

My little 'epiphany' was akin to waking up in one of those nodules in the Matrix and realizing your entire life was a dream. For a second its like "HOLY SHIT!!!" "WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING HERE!!!!" But now the robots came and put me back safely back inside the nodule, inside the dream again.

Side note: Sleep deprivation + constant work is not good, take a break and eat lots of sugar products, it will make you feel better, trust me.


Man, im tore up now, nice on some beer and stuff.

I enjoy the objectivity that beer allows me to reach. It kills my brain for a few hours. No more infinite cycles of thought, just an artificial free for a few hours.

Hell, it allows me to see that I really am a person. Usually im so far out "riding the edge of the blade of existance", always forward. This is my dark mediatation, drunk.

Man its so badass. My plans after graduation. Im gonna rent a car and drive around the country, it will be fucking sweet. Gonna get a digital camera and collect it all.

I dunno, like 20 min passed since i typed that last thing. Im in a different drunk state now, the newness of being drunk wore off, its just a given now. IM gonna fuck with people on AOL now, InsaneMonkAction has your candy!!!


WOw, yesterday I kicked ass in my Software Engineering final presentation. After loosing two team members and going through a few weeks of hell it all came together.

It was fuckin hardcore. About an hour before the presentation I alternated between viewing the slides in the computer lab and walking around campus to clear my head. I did this a few times. I went into the presentation calmer than I had ever been in my life. The professor said, "ok who wants to go first" and without hesitation I raised my hand and said "I will".

Then I got up there, got all the stuff on the huge 15 foot high projector screen and had at it. At first, I was kinda rickety, stuttering and crap. But after a few slides the presentation and myself became one. I vaguely remember pointing up at the projector screen in some kind of two handed karate move (like in "Big Trouble in Little China" where Egg Shen is fighting that dude flying in the air, trying to pull him down). Everything seemed so clear, I was in total control and knew what I wanted to say flat out. No extra thoughts came to the surface, I was able to attain total concentration. So I finished the Post-Mortem section, said my last word. I could hear it echo throughout the room. Silence for a second, then applause.

The professor said, "Well.... about your project..... there wasn't anything wrong with it, it was exactly what I was looking for". I was like shit yea, I said thanks and took my seat. Then my team members started smiling and me and saying good job Ben. The remaining presentations the professor dug into them and pretty much ate their ass, like "this isnt what I wanted" etc... It made me feel badass. Like I had just won a marathon or something.

So that was my last college project, I'm glad I went out with a bang.

It made me realize that this is definatly the field I want to get into, software engineering kicks ass.


I was feeling kinda down, but just recounting that story makes me feel better. I know that it was a peak, and I can't really hold onto it forever. In a few days it will be time to seek out the next mountain to climb.


Wow, so now I have a lot of free time.

No more work or school. I'm back to being a bum again. Its wierd, having all this free time. The days are starting to feel like months. Its hard to constantly keep myself occupied.

There are infinite paths of action I could take, but I just sit here in awe of all of them instead of picking one and heading down it. Or I pick a path for a little while, dabble in it and then return to the central hub of nothing. At some point I need to dedicate myself to one path.

Its hard. Before now I had blinders on, I only had a few paths to choose from. But now the blinders are off and I can clearly see all the paths. Its pretty overwhelming.

I almost wish there was some factor keeping me from some of these paths, I could rule them out and the choices would be easier. But the fact is that at this point I have absolutly no restrictions. I am too free.

I made plans before now, but that was within the context of the blinders, now that I see all paths the plans don't seem so concrete.

I'm sure it will take me a few weeks to get things sorted out properly.