Ok, the purpose of this entry is to motivate me to shift up a notch and work
Right now your on the thin line between victory and defeat. Congratulations! You were faced with a defeat but through all your hard work you managed to maintain. However, it only gets harder, you MUST get a 70 or higher on the final in order to pass with a D+ and get credit.
Failure is a very real option, but it must not come to pass. Its too late to drop the class so you must pass or your GPA will go to hell, you will be placed on acedemic probation and you will have to go through its hell again in order to graduate.
A little pain here at the end is worth it, it will save you countless hours in the future.
So you need to stay up and do what it takes. As you pass through these final chapters take your time, understand everything before moving on.
An inevitable decisive battle is just weeks ahead, do what you can now to prepare for it, its not waiting for you or going anywhere, it is a concrete barrier you must manage to cross.
The clock is ticking now.
Seems about every month or so I have a dream or two that stick with me for some
reason. I'm not sure why, they usually dont make much sense and have a very
hard to follow story line, yet I find myself playing them out in my head over
and over again, they bring strange emotions each time. Anyways here are two
that have been lingering for the past few days:
I find myself on some sort of generic/beautiful living platform elevated of the ground about the height of a one story house. I'm there with my family and some other family. I realize there is a girl there, it feels like a girlfriend or wife, I think we are to be married and this is some type of gathering.
Suddenly, a bunch of ninjas dressed in solid black except for their faces appear to be swarming towards us over the roofs of houses and in trees. I find myself on the green grassy ground some distance away from the platform. Suddenly alone on the ground, I look down and notice a katana(japanese curved sword) in an ornate dark green scabbard. A wave of excitement rushes over me, I feel like its my chance to play the hero. Swiftly I pick the sword up by the scabbard and rip the scabbard off leaving it on the ground. I jump about 30 feet on top of a roof of a house near where I live and begin fighting with the ninjas. I parry all their blows by holding the sword at various angles and then counterattack with a bold foreward thrusts through their chests, when I do this they dissapear.
After dispatching a few of them this way I look down and see a single ninja staring at my wife/girlfriend, he takes his sword out and tosses it up at her, tip first, it pierces her heart and she collapses in a pool of blood. I leap from the roof and land behind the ninja. Then through hundreds of light speed cuts I proceed to cut him into small chunks. Feeling sad, the will to fight leaves me, yet the ninjas keep coming so I keep killing. Eventually I fall down and the dream ends.
I find myself in a lunch line in some type of school. Soon I realize everyone around me is speaking Japanese, I am a foreigner in Japan. Somehow, I seem to be good friends with everyone around me, sometimes I will pick out a word of what their saying or utter some word in Japanese, but nothing really makes sense. Everyone seems to have a certain theme about them, no one is mundane, everyone is unique, I can tell this by the differences in the clothes they are wearing.
Suddenly, I find myself in some type of warehouse with a hot asian girl. Its very cramped and hard to see, everything is barely visible by a dark blue almost black light.
I find a gun in my hand, I start shooting barrels and they explode in a ball of dark blue flame that doesnt create any light. Soon my gun dissapears. I search the ground and find some hard metal arrows attached to short round metal shafts. I attempt to destroy the barrels by stabbing them with the arrows. The asian girl says something about that not working. I get frustrated, I ask the girl for sex, she says no and dissapears. Even more frustrated I sit down and just sit there for a long time.
Then I find myself back in the lunch line. I feel happy to be around everyone. Then I wake up.
I have no idea what these mean exactly. Im guessing it has something to do with my desires to be a hero, be a foreigner in another country and get laid.
I guess I never realized it before, but beer is a depressant. It dulls
everything. It dulls the joy of happiness, and it makes the feeling of defeat
When surrounded by people its effects are not so bad, and can be good sometimes. But alone, everything seems so depressing.
Why do I drink every weekend then?
Easy, it breaks the shell of the weekday. Its like being born again, another person, even if its a worse person, its still different, and thats why. Because it makes me feel different, I can look back at the week as if I am another person, thats how it feels.
The monk was home by himself as usual. Such a solitary man with no apparent need for anything in the outside world. Meditation, zen, nothing. His chores, this was all he had. This was his life.
While living, doing these things, he hardly ever got depressed, or stuck in his own mind for long periods of time. It was just: act, act, act, forget, move on. Like that, a seemingly endless cycle.
But this summer night was different. After a hard week of the hardest work he wanted to pleasure himself, so he went to town and bought two big jugs of the best sake. The entire day he had spent drinking, hardly eating anything. At such an advanced state his entire awareness of even the most simplest things around him changed. He was a stranger in a new world.
His mind would not stop running, so many thoughts ran through his head. On a normal day he might have been sleeping now, but he couldn't, the thoughts just would not stop. He thought so many things, why did he not have a wife, why was he such a solitary man, he began to feel inadequate. Now, not even his most advanced mind training would not help him, he was trapped in his mind.
The hours passed like days, hour upon hour of torment. Ultimatly, the monks lack of food and rest took him down. He collaped onto the hard wood floor.
Not very much time passed before the morning sun dried his tears.
Holy shit! I almost got into what would have been a fatal car accident today.
It just happened about 15min ago, the memory of exactly what happened is fading
fast, I need to write it before I forget.
So I was driving home, 2pm, just got out of class. Down that nice 3 lane road that leads from my school. A beautiful day, about 70 degrees, nice warm breeze through slightly cracked windows, almost no traffic. I was goin about 45mph. Just about to turn left onto the highway. Suddenly, this big ass 18wheeler pulls out to turn across the road coming from opposite direction of me in front of me, I check the light, yup still green, he must have blown a red light I figure. A car about 1000 meters in front of me has to swing way out to the right just to avoid the truck. I figure that it should be out of my way by the time i get down there.
Suddenly, it stalls or something and the driver instantly stops to try to restart I figure. The entire three lanes across are blocked by this monster. So, I try to stop, Im hitting the brakes as hard as I can without skidding out(my anti-lock brakes don't work). Im still goin about 30, and Im gettin real close to this thing, then, I think I blacked out or something.
From what I can tell, I turned the wheel sharply to the right, the back swings around and began to skid down the road sideways, then I punched the accelerator and avoided the truck by making a faaast right turn down another road.
It happened so fast, I can hardly remember looking around and making sure no other cars were around, then a loud screech of my tires, almost grazing the 18-wheeler, then a blast of acceleration.
As I was going down the new rode I suddenly "woke-up" to the smell of tire smoke. All the actions I just did felt like total, autopilot, like I was just watching from the outside. All the action I took was pure instinct like an animal or something, it just didn't and still doesn't seem real.
I kept on driving to the next stoplight and made a u-turn to get on the highway. My foot was so jittery, I couldn't stop it from twitcing. Somehow, I was able to calm down enough to drive the remaining 10min home safely.
God, I can only thing of what would of happened if I nailed that 18-wheeler, it would have been messy. I really think it was my car that saved me and my tires at that. 95' firebird with some nice wide tires, low center of gravity. God, it was such a strange experience, im still jittery, but for some reason I feel calmer than I think I should feel.
I feel changed somehow.
I feel relaxed.
It is strange.
I have a final tomorrow, I've spent so long today studying.
I feel confident in my abilities to blow this thing out of the water. Before now I was afraid, I wasnt sure if I would be able to do this. But now I know there is no way for me to fail, I have absorbed the material into my being.
Even a few hours ago I was running around in a rush, studying, my mind was everywhere, it felt like all this would overcome me and defeat me. But, I finished and now I look back, it doesn't seem so strong now, it seems very simple.
Its like waking up from a dream, one reality into another one.
I haven't felt like this in a long time. Is this an emotion? I didn't think I could feel emotions anymore, strange.
I had gotten so good at blocking those bothersome things out, somehow one managed to slip by, how?, why?
I will inevitably return to my emotionless state, and everything will feel normal, but now, its strange.