Wow, its the new year. I'm going to clean this page up sometime, I swear.
New mix, dabbling in harder type music and harder vj visuals.
Note: Pls do not watch if you have a negative response to flashy lights/seizures/etc...We're going into hardcore land.
Strange, I felt an emotion again. Passion, a fire burning deep within me, has washed away all the dead branches inside my heart.
I know it won't last long and has only been brought on by artificial means(a movie). But, feelings are only as real as you feel them. And to feel them without holding anything back, without blocking them, is a very beautiful thing.
The drug has finally released me again(from addiction). I was right, it does cause a dullness of emotions. It causes a flood of emotions followed by a period(several weeks) of non-emotions; finally, the non-emotions have ceased and I can feel again.
Everything had seemed so complicated and chaotic recently. Like my life had no direction despite having a steady job and no serious financial burdens. But now, everything is clear. I have resolved to be exactly where I am now with no regrets, no second guesses, no looking back.
I can feel the purity of dew dripping off a single blade of grass. The definite-ness of the edge of a table. Sunrise/sunset; summer/winter; east/west; up/down. I can feel it all with such clarity.
I've opened myself to my own emotions, the essence of life. I've opened myself to myself with no restraint, holding nothing back. I can smile slightly and it isn't just an empty gesture, but a reflection of what I truly feel inside.
This is the meaning of death and rebirth. Dying and being reborn. This instant, floating in the void, I am alive.
Nothing inside, nothing interesting. Except this...or this....or this.... we all end up the same way right?:
So nothing interesting to say. Nothing from within. Only the frozen cold. Winter mix(wait for it):
So another year on this earth passes. 28 now. I should be feeling older, more mature. Of course this feeling doesn't exist. Time doesn't pass in chunks like that. For me time is a slow moving form, seemingly without end. Like the constant motion of the sun or an endless ripple on an infinite pond. The accepted way of measuring time, in chunks (be it years or seconds), is only a convenient notion.
I reflect on the past: Today has brought me back to Japan. With almost absolute clarity I re-live the experiences I had there. It was a spiritual journey. My experiences were my mental state brought to reality.
All around me, dedication, perfection, attention to detail. Silent subway cars full of people. The concept of "one". The idea that the space around something is more important than the object itsself. I haven't had that feeling in so long.
The feeling that the thing you focus on is everything, feeling it so intensly that you loose yourself in the process. This isn't a concept that is taught or even understood by the vast majority of the U.S. population. Much less is it a concept that permiates the way we live our lives. It is the anti-thesis to A.D.D., to all the things we call distractions in our lives.
Glimpse upon the essense of a single object. Become the thing you percieve. Just breathe. Do not waiver from this thing for a period of time. Do it until everything feels right again. Until individual objects separate themselves from the cluster-fuck in your mind. Everything gets unraveled and becomes a distinct object of beauty. This is the concept of "one-ness".
The past 2 days have been hell.
So yea. Yesterday, I get pulled away from my family, into the hospital. I didn't get home until 3AM today. Our fucking cores took a shit. Some fucktard connected one of our old routers with a new router and forgot to trunk the ports. Basically, this created a loop on our network. Every switch apeshit trying to figure out what this loop was. It saturated our entire network, every system. Every server was cut off from the client computers, we even lost our connection with the outside world.
So yea, 20 hours to determine the cause and unhook that motherfucker.
This probably doesn't make much sense to the non-network admin types out there. Just suffice it to say: things got really fucked up and now I'm venting here. Letting all that anger and shit out.
My 4 day weekend is a lot less than that.
Life sucks sometimes.
Theory of Strings(Remix by Mayank) - Consequences
New NRG - Cosmoy
Aly&Fila - Lost Language'
System Nipel(Remix by Ananda Shake) - Game On Rmx
Ehren Stowers & Simon Bostock(Remix By Alan M) - Sudden Impact
J-P Parikka - Tekha(Svek's Chord Duet Remix)
Access Denied - Dysots
Finally, After so many weeks, I can feel that good energy flowing through my veins again.
Moved into a new, bigger office at work, cleaned the house. Everything feels in its place which puts my mind in its proper place. Uncluttered, everything naturally moves to where it needs to be. Life becomes easy again. Like a flowing river.
Shouldn't have to force things into their little boxes, life really isn't that hard. If you let it go, everything somehow goes where it needs to be. Give it away, don't hold on too tightly.
Man, this weekend I got pretty fucked up. At least 5 parties, lots of beer/shots, attractive women in skimpy clothes everywhere. Sleep at 5AM every morning. It feels good to get to the point where your tired of all the fun, all the beer, all the adventures and just want to go back to normal life again. This is the meaning of the weekends.
Meditation, how long has it been. Months? Years?... Eons?
Its so hard to just sit and let your thoughts wash over you. Your afraid maybe? Fear that the thoughts that emerge are ones you don't want to experience? You seem consumed in moving constantly from task to task; so intent on filling every conscious second with some fulfilling activity. You percieve a feeling of waste if you don't fill your time correctly.
Why do you hold on so hard? Why not just let it go and see where it takes you? Why do you have to control everything so much. Why does everything have to have some sort of tangibility to it. Why not just release and let your thoughts flow around you for a little bit?
Its so easy to get caught up in material things around you. To grasp at certain objects in order to force a certain emotion into your body. At this point it seems counterintuitive to sit and not do anything for a while. There are so many things to do. So many possible ways of generating an emotion caused by manipulation of your surroundings.
LIke a salad bar, there are so many things there. All you have to do is go up and take what you want. Force your selection into yourself and then wait for the desired emotion to appear.
But your existence isn't this. It isn't something you can pick and choose. It isn't something you can engineer. It is what it is. So just breathe and let the thoughts flow until the thoughts stop and then look around. With no thoughts and no salad bar, where are you?
So all my life I've had a passing relationship with weed. It was something to do at a party. I've never smoked it recreationally....other than a few days ago.
It has an interesting effect. The "chatter-box" in my head finally shuts the fuck up and I experience life in a different way. Something akin to a deep state of meditation, but with less realization of the "immediacy" of life.
Through getting high I discovered something which is always there, but was never aware of. This thing in me dulled my enjoyment of life, from living freely. It kept me tucked away in a shell, safe from the percieved dangers of expressing myself as I truly am.
I became very aware of this destructive force inside me. To the point of it feeling like a physical object.
Now, sober; I see it, I feel it and go around it, maybe even destroy it.
Its like being reborn, living without restraint. I breathe clean air in and out, unmuddled with stray thoughts. The cloud of words that surrounded my head has gotten quieter. Peaceful. I can truly live now.
Thank you weed. Thank you for displaying this mental obstruction.
Still, weed, you are not the final answer. I'm not going to start smoking you habitually. The introspection you provide is very good. But your not really a good way to relax or leave troubles behind. You cause great fatigue and make me unable to directly percieve the moments of life I cherish.
Enlightenment, a new path opens inside my mind.
Being happy kills motivation to write in this thing. No creativity, nothing that needs to go out. *smiley face*
Strange few days. A string of bad things, one leading to the other. A cloudy, inevitable story.
The weekend started out good enough. On-call had just ended. Large party on the horizon. A few beers after work. Relaxation.
Jump to Saturday. Large party. Good times.....for a while. I swear, when I ate that hot dog I saw some sort of mold on the water, but was too drunk to care. Or maybe I was just too drunk, a keg of shiner. Loss of self-control. Happiness..
Car ride back, vomit on clean pants. Get home, drink water. More vomit. Sleep.
Wake up Sunday, late afternoon. The day is already almost finished. Clean pants. Phone ends up with them......in the wash.
Unable to contact outside world. Isolated. Self-imposed justification.
More sleep........nightmares.....The room I grew up in, full of spiders in daylight. Killing spiders. Eating them, burning them. The room becomes clean, but there is a crack in the ceiling. Tearing the crack, splitting it. More spiders pour out. Spiders convulse inside clear plastic zip-lock bags on the wooden floor. Wake early in the morning and don't go back to sleep.
Monday, work.....everything makes me angry. I can hear the edge in my voice....its discomforting. Fear. Agitation. Absolutely no sense of former peace.
Pain in chest. Short of breath....all day.
The present moment... how much farther will it go? Will it continue downward, or is this the point where it begins to get better?
Feeling the lack of energy, feeling down..... I accept it. If go directly into this feeling with no hesitation, it vanishes.
Ohmna - People Get Lost
X-Trude - Load Of Emotions
Rank 1 - Such is Life (Marco V Remix)
People Get Lost
Man, I don't know whats up..today and yesterday, like night and day.
Managed to repair my motorcycle and ride it around. It feels like a dark cloud has left my body. Everything is good again.
This motivated me to create an uplifting trance mix. This is where the boundary between blogging and DJing dissapears. Good times!
Armin Van Buuren - In and Out of Love
Tiesto - Elements of Life (Airbase Remix)
Airbase - Medusa
P.H.A.T.T - Dolce Vita
Myth - Sunlight at Night
~28 Min, hosted at www.livevideo.com\djshinywhite
Damn, I'm in a funk. I still feel shitty. Starting to think something is wrong with my head, I feel disoriented for most of the day with brief glimpses of habitual consciousness. I'm able to perform my job, drive and get by ok. But something is wrong. I have lost normal awareness of my existence. I exist as a camera which objectivly views things through its lens and is aware of a distorted shadow of itseelf which causes a feeling of discomfort.
Got home from work and caught a fleeting glimpse of myself in the mirror. It was a startling to realize that I was contained within a form as I had felt formless up to that point. Well, maybe "felt" is too strong a word, as I didn't feel anything, I just observed things around me.
Is this what slipping into death feels like?; gradually fading away from awareness of existence?
I have the sense that something is wrong. Did I stay up too late over the weekend and drink too much, am I having a strange withdrawal from weed or cigarettes since I haven't smoked them in months, did I eat something bad, do I have a medical problem? Did my mind subconsciously throw itsself out of the comfortable rut it was in, like I wished, and now comfort doesn't exist anymore?
I'm hoping that in the course of typing this some answer will appear. That somehow I will reconnect to my old consciousness. This new one feels light and airy. I'm still me, but not as intense, a "light" me. Almost as if I was observing myself from the perspective of someone else.
Just now I paused for a moment. Checking to see if there are any desires, any emotions. There are none. Just this moment as I type.
I've found the moment again. I only exist as this moment here. I am not in the past or in the future. I exist here and nowhere else. There is not even the possibility of me existing anywhere else in this moment.
Until now I had been behind the camera lens, observing things, but not aware of observing things. I'm still looking through the lens, but now I'm aware of observing again. The thing called 'me' has more fully stepped behind the camera lens in place of the distorted 'ghost' me.
Things still feel a little off. But there isn't really anything to figure out, there isn't any mystery to solve. I exist here, now, in whatever ephemeral state is brought into my consciousness.
Instead of fighting it, trying to make it something else, I accept it now. It is what it is, I am what I am, you are what you are, we feel what we feel and we do what we do.
I feel better now.
Been in kinda a down mood today. Still getting readjusted to the working life after vacation. I think I'm moving towards making major changes to the way I live. I'm not sure I can remain happy in the routine I keep.
Right now I'm not living anywhere close to my full potential. My bike is down until I get a new battery, this quiet suburban life is too comfortable and too easy. I need to start working through the process of selling my home; but with the housing market so bad, I feel almost trapped here. I probably could sell it, but would loose money. Its a tough thing to work through. I'll just keep pushing forward until I arrive at some conclusion.
I feel numb and insulated today. Lack of energy. Without my bike things are too comfortable.
I think I've sunken into contentment. I'm content with my life. But thats a problem, I always need something to chase. I need a challenge. I could probably meditate and passify myself. Kill this feeling of restlessness against contentment. But I don't want that now. If I kill the restlessness of being content I will no longer be motivated to make changes. And at this point change is a good thing. I have greater goals to achieve and if I keep walking down this easy path I will not achieve them.
In the past my goal was to get to this very place. A place where I could sustain my existance in comfort. A nice house, a nice car, a nice job. Quiet and peaceful surroundings. Now that I'm here, I don't feel it anymore. I don't feel satisified with the struggle I put up to get here. It doesn't really feel like my efforts have paid off, I don't have that feeling. Everything feels mundane and easy. Like I've lived my entire life this way.
I want to feel as if I'm struggling again. I want to feel a sense of accomplishment as I pass my goals. I need that feeling again. As a result I will throw myself out of this comfortable rut into a more challenging situation.
So I'm home again. I'm seeing everything that was routine and mundane through fresh, unclouded eyes.
Everything is new again, the slate has been wiped clean. I can take the things I've learned through this vacation and apply them to what was once my routine life:
1) I need to move into the city; I don't feel right in the suburbs. Sure, its comfortable and quiet here, but there is no edge. Its too easy to just stay inside. Everyone around me is married, no single women around. There isn't anywhere interesting within walking distance. I would rather have an exciting edgy life than a boring comfortable one.
2) I need to get out more. The experience I have here, my daily routine is just a small planet in the universe of interesting things out there.
3) I need to not be so obsessed with people. I need to take things for what they are and stop making circles in my head. I don't need to depend on anyone for my happiness. I am responsible for providing that myself.
4) I need to be more open to the people around me. I shouldn't edit the things I say, I need to put it all out there. Keeping it inside leads to mental turmoil. There is nothing to be gained from holding back.
5) Nothing is set in stone. My current way of life can be exchanged for another one with some effort.
6) Life is not set in stone, everything is in constant motion. I need to not take everything so seriously.
> 7) Trance Music and travel are ways I can release myself.
The event blew away my expectations musically. I stayed in the trance room the entire night; never heard such trancy music being played for such a large crowd.
Can't really say much more, my mental concept of the experience goes way beyond words.
Finally. Los Angeles.
I love the weather here, it feels about 70 or so outside. The air is dry and crisp.
Right now I'm in a Little Tokyo Hotel. Surrounded by sushi restaurants, ramen restaurants and izakaya(beer bars). This place really does feel like Japan. My hotel room has a friggin shoji screen for window. A very nice place.
Just got back from a Ramen bar, walking distance named Orochon. Its one of those places you take your buddies to for some real man food.
Basically, they make your typical Japanese Ramen and then dump a varying degree of hot spices in. I tried heat level 4 out of 9. My lips and tongue went numb, nose and eyes ran uncontrollably. I was nocking back some beers, but it didn't help the heat. They have a special level and if you finish it within 30min they take your picture and put it on a wall. I can't fathom what that must be like, what lies beyond numbing heat?
Anyways, its time for some Asahi beer via roomservice!
Ah, explored more of LA today. Went to the Santa Monica beach. Very nice out there. Weather still kicking ass.
Ate lunch at some upscale seafood place. Very strange, almost like the servers were too accomodating. This attractive woman comes up, "How are you doing today, please take a look at our menu, if you have any questions please let me know, its a nice day today......" something like that, but the point is that there was a lot of talking, I couldn't tell if she was acting or being genuine. Everything was said with great enunciation. I can only imagine all the upscale people who go in there and bitch if anything is out of line. She probably learned how to act that way to avoid getting bitched at. She goes over the top to accomodate even the most demanding customer. It made me somewhat uncomfortable, but good food.
Fresh Squeezed 08' is only about 2 hours away. Can't wait to see George Acosta, Astrix and 4 Strings. I've heard some of George's stuff and he can throw down a mean set. This thing is 7 hours long, over 10 DJs, 5 different rooms (Trance, D&B, House, DubStep and Electro), 8000 people. Held in the LA shrine a few blocks away from my hotel. Will post pics/video later, this thing is gonna be baddass!
The desert and small towns suddenly turn into Las Vegas.
Its easy to stay occupied here. So many little bars, lots of interesting places to walk. So many different types and nationalities of people.
This is my second time in Las Vegas. Everytime I approach the city a feeling of doubt brews inside me. It says, "Why go here, its just some commercialized, fake place; wouldn't you rather be in a forest or park communing with nature or maybe in a normal hotel somewhere? You don't need all this". But as soon as I step foot on the strip that feeling vanishes, my eyes glaze over and I become enchanted. I get sucked into the vibe of Las Vegas; stress vanishes. Life becomes the combination of a party and some sort of fairy tale.
I wonder the strip for a few hours, seeing random things, taking it all in. The normal stream of thought inside my head gets a little quieter and the experience of walking and observing takes a front seat.
I see things that interest me and interact with them. Places, food, beer. Its all there, right in front of me. I just have to step in and experience it.
I think of life in the other cities I've been to. You have to hunt for interesting places and things to do. But here its all around, its just a matter of moving through it. This place is a giant theme park buffet for the mind and body.
As I type this there is a live rock band playing outside. So far they've covered some Ozzy, Def Leopard, Linkin Park and a few other bands. They have a good sound. What a great experience this is, sitting in my hotel room, getting live music.
I made those dashes above so I could digress into something a little deeper. But its not coming, I'm still under the trance of Las Vegas. Everything is at a very superficial level.....I'm going back out, screw writing in this thing.
Starting to get into true vacation mode. Relaxing a bit more.
Cool stuff today: Giant metor crater, petroglyphs, hole-in-the-wall Chinese food. Good driving, good weather.
Flagstaff is relaxing.
Not much creativity brewing tonight. Content with life.
So, I'm in Albuquerque now. A city nestled amongst the mountains.
From what I can tell, this is a nature oriented city. Lots of parks and hiking.
I wanted to hike some petroglyph trails. But by the time I got in town, they had already closed.
Petroglyphs are markings left on rocks by the ancient peoples that used to inhabit this land. Art or some form of communication? Tomorrow when the parks open I hope to get closer to the answer.
I'm in a hotel overlooking the downtown area. This hotel should be in a museaum. Its very rustic. It has a bold smell and old style architecture. The only people I've seen here are elderly vacationers. This place seems like something that could have been popular about 30 years ago.
This place has a feeling of oldness. Its not a feeling of rich oldness, where the accumulation of a life's work amounts to easy living in retirement. No, this is the feeling of old decay. Its life work has amounted to jack shit. There are no interesting stories for it to tell or even a resolute acceptance of the inevitable. No, this place is quickly fading away and grasps in vain at anyone who enters it. Hoping that they will somehow direct it away from inevitable death.
Its depressing, or maybe its just the long hours on the road playing with my psyche.
The cities in this state are very spread out. I usually like to eat at familiar chain restaurants. But for lunch I had to settle for a gift shop/mexican restaurant out in the middle of nowhere.
To get to the restaurant you had to walk through the gift shop. I was trying to suppress laughter while eating, its sounds like some sort of joke.
At the same time, you have to wonder how the people who work there live. With no cities around, how do they entertain themselves? It must be a very simple life.......yes, I can understand that now. When everything is as simple as that you find ways to make yourself happy. You become intimately connected with the mundane things around you. I'm sure its a hard life, but, I envy its apparent simplicity.
I have finally been released from my cage. I'm free on the open roads and cities.
Leaving Dallas was pretty uneventful. The process of leaving your home is mostly the same for going to work or vacation.
Ran into some rain on the way out, but that cleared up once I hit the Texas plains.
Started pushing some buttons on the radio and realized my rental car has Sirius radio. Its pretty nice, they have a trance station.
(Note: the following is basically me jacking off mentally, thank you for your indulgence)
The true magic didn't really set in until I hit Lubbock, Texas Tech University. Just now, I was walking around the campus. Walking the different routes I used to take to class. I would see certain buildings or scenery; memories that I had long forgotten would creep into my mind. That shit unlocked some creative energy:
I was 20 years old. Out on my own for the first time. I remember entering my dorm room on the 6th floor just as the sun was setting. It felt as if I had entered another planet. The lighting reminded me of Star Wars when they were in the cloud city and the sun was setting. The way the light hit the bed and the way the trees outside extended like an ocean. It felt very isolated, as if floating in the sky alone.
I remember the way the lights from the street would shine into my eyes when I was trying to sleep. The communal restrooms. The mini-fridge. People playing frisbee at all hours of the night in the hallways. The odd florescent light on the desk only used when studying. The relaxing sound of the traffic below. The people I met who are now somewhere else in the world.
Being here now, after eight years away brings up strange spiritual feelings.
I have a passing relationship with Texas Tech University. I started college here. I stayed for one year as a psychology major, enjoyed it, but realized how hard it is to make a living as a psychologist. So I moved back to Dallas and became a computer science major.
My whole time at Tech I hardly talked to anyone. I realized that I didn't need people to exist and am perfectly happy living alone. Despite that, I made some deep bonds with a few people and got caught up in the party lifestyle for a while. The mini-fridge was constantly packed with beer and every few nights we would drink somewhere and get into adventures. And thus I was introduced to a part of life I had never known before. Yes, life can be fun.
Along with these social feats, I was learning a great deal artistically. I learned that I could relieve internal pressure by writing things such as this. I learned about how the mind worked, and most importantly I learned what it means to exist as an individual.
This place is important. It represents a point in my life where there were many open paths. Ironically, this place itsself is the path I didn't choose.
Walking through campus completed something inside of me, like a strange ghost who got a second chance at life.
Something that was unfinished inside me has been completed.
So tomorrow we head to Albuquerque. I wonder what mysteries and adventures lie there?
So, its finally time to take another adventure.
Months and months of work, mundaness and comfort will soon be traded for random experiences and a certain degree of discomfort.
Living like this, working day after day.It makes you forget your alive. Of course you still have that vague notion that you exist and at some point it will end. But you don't really feel it. There are brief moments where you realize your existence, but for the most part its just a stream of data.
Out in adventure there is a firm directness of the notion of life. Almost like meditation, every instant, every moment is special. One wrong turn, one missed interaction and you could loose yourself. Out in adventure loosing the moment, for even an instant leads to some form of death.
I digress. Its important to state literally that you digress, otherwise the audience will not know what the fuck is going on, so I digress.
This adventure takes me to the West coast. Fresh Squeezed 2008 in Los Angeles is the end goal: 8/23. Here is the basic itenerary.
Lubbock TX - Will revisit Texas Tech... my beloved Texas Tech
Alburqurque NM - Spiritual journey through the mountains
Flagstaff AZ - ??? Mystery box
Las Vegas NV - Gambling perhaps, or just wondering around
Los Angeles CA - Fresh Squeezed 2008, 8000+ rave at the LA Shrine + possible LiveVideo gathering and other adventures
We have the standard DFW rental car exchange goin on next weekend. A few days later I will trade this current life for another one.
Today I relieved myself of a heavy burden. Wax built up in ears, numbing the sensation of everything outside. Free of this burden, the moment is clear again.
The wax had become familiar, comfortable. It muted the faint sounds in my experience. It deemed certain melodies too mundane to exist. By removing the wax I have removed a layer of thought and emotion which clouded my direct perception of life.
For just this moment I have cleared the wax. It will naturally accumulate and will need to be removed in the future. But for now, its gone.
I've come to find that I drink too much. Even though I only drink on weekends, its still too much. Last night I bypassed social plans in order to stay home and drink.
If I sit back and let beer take over I can find happiness. I can explore parts of my personality that are otherwise hidden. I enjoy the euphoria that beer brings. I use beer to relieve stress. There is nothing wrong with having a few beers to relax. But when it gets to the point that you drink until your full, it becomes a problem.
Drinking in excess leads to a waste of time. Time that could be spent fully conscious, interacting with people is spent in a haze. Like living in a cave.
My goal is to drink less, and to confine drinking to social situations rather than drinking alone.
I shouldn't rely on beer to relieve stress and increase happiness.
Watched Zeitgeist(http://www.zeitgeistmovie.com/) today, an internet movie.
Its strange how films which denounce the propoganda of the government inevitably become propoganda themselves; using the same methods of distraction and coersion that the ones they speak against use. When I watch a film like this for the first time, that is my gut response.
However, after close examination, there was a very important message at the begining and end of Zeitgeist. If you place the entire film in the context of the first and last words of the movie, the "propoganda" parts serve in educational contrast to them. The middle provides a mirror to watch yourself in.
The first and last parts are about living in the moment. The middle parts are about living in fear of the past or future. You can either get sucked up into the images and logical statments about war, pain, fear, death, oppression or you can go a step further; accept them for what they are and then go back to the only place that really matters, this precious moment you have now.
I don't just mean now in general, I mean this moment right now. This moment as your eyes move past these words. This sacred and intimate moment which continues as long as you let it.
I see that the fear I first experienced while watching the movie is only a reflection of my current life. I do discard the moment often. I get stuck in logical thoughts, picking my environment apart piece-by-piece instead of just experiencing it. I'm guilty of discarding my inner thoughts and emotions in favor of ease and utility. I brush the hard hitting things under the rug in my mind. I restrain my inner and outer reactions to things.
I've become lazy. Content to get drunk and pass time away instead of experiencing life. I silence the voice inside me that speaks. I remain content to sit on my ass.
This no longer. I resolve myself to follow what my mind says. I let the voice speak and follow its calling.
It will take work and it will evolve from nothing into something the same way the universe started, the same way every living creature started. It will grow from something infinitely small until it becomes everything.
I will listen to the inner voice with serious intent.
The monk awoke with a start. Beads of sweat rolling off his forehead, fear engulfed his soul. He could hardly move or breathe. It was the dead of night.
Suddenly, the moon reflected off the floor in front of him...... The monk took a deep breath in.... and out..... How... long.. did... it take.. for the ...moon.... to reflect... off.. the floor?
Ah, so this is nice. Monday off. Just relaxing today.
Time to relieve some stress for a while. Of course it will come back on Tuesday, but for now I can safely explore it from the perspective of an outsider. This is nice. Working through the past to relieve mental tension. Creating a clean slate.
Fucking dropped my bike last week.
Only a block from my house, on the way to work. I was stopped in my alley about to make a right onto the street. My last thought was, "Lets see how tight I can take this turn". I felt myself roll, assumed I was in the friction zone, just about locked the wheel to the right and popped the clutch. The bike immediately stalled. I'd stalled before, so it was like "No problem, ill just start her back up and try again", I braced my right leg to prop the bike back up, but suddenly realized something was wrong. The bike weighed much more than normal. I started pushing it back up, but my foot slipped out of my work shoes (dress shoes). I recovered enough to slowly let the bike down until it was a few inches off the ground, then I had to drop it.
Some minor scratches and a brake lever I had to bend back with pliars. Nothing major. However, it killed my confidence. Until that point I was invincible, nothing could touch me. Now, I realize how easy it is to mess up on a bike. One slight lapse in concentration, one movement in the wrong direction and its over.
Just today I got back on the bike, it was almost foreign where before it very intimate. The bike and myself were almost a single entity. Now, I'm slowly regaining my skills and confidence.
Soon, I will get intimate with her again.
On to something else.
I was looking into moving away from suburbia into a downtown Dallas condo. All the ones I looked at had homeowners associations and rules about how loud you can play music.
I want to change my lifestyle to be closer to the nightlife, but I absolutely cannot give up my sound system. Sure headphones are great, but there is something about having 2 12" subs booming a few feet away from you. The sound cleanses the air.
Money isn't so much of an issue assuming I can sell my house; but the damn sound rules are a deal breaker.
Still, it would be nice to wake up to a city skyline every morning. Being able to walk around everywhere. There's a certain creative energy that exists in the city.
Maybe I will find a sound friendly place at some point in the future.
The bulb in my light machine went out. Had to order another one. Its wierd trying to DJ with no lights. The movement of the lights timed with the beat adds an extra dimension to the music. Its huge, it changes the feel of the music.
Waiting for the bulbs to come in so I can get that bad-boy creating emotions and mental journeys again.
Hmm, searching for other things of either great positive or negative significance. I tend to hold things in which causes stress; untied ends in my mind which haunt me until they are tied. Pressure that is best released through this medium.
Haven't written any stories in a while. Its so hard to get inspired. To twist things into something else. Its not something you can force; it comes naturally at certain times. Its energy that naturally pulls from the things around you.
Thats about it for now. Drinking on a Sunday afternoon, relaxing.
It has silently returned. That incessant feeling of hunger. My mind becomes heavy and afflicted.
I cram everything into it trying to find relief. I drink and become stuck with certain tired concepts. I keep walking down the same road expecting to find something different. I consume everything around me trying to satisfy the hunger.
It keeps increasing in scale, it constantly wants more and more. Even though I feed it; it always hungers.
Even worse: The more I feed it, the more it hungers. A hungry ghost whose attempts to eat only make it hungrier.
This is not the answer. Consuming, flailing, is not the answer.
Just today I have resolved my hunger. The answer is not to consume; but to take my mind in another direction... the hunger can only be fed indirectly. Don't seek substance, seek the ether, seek the void.
Seek the place in your mind where there is nothing.
Inside nothingness my mind takes care of itsself. It moves freely without restraint, it knows exactly what it needs and it knows exactly how to get it. Anything I try to force onto it, either emotionally or physically becomes burdensome.
Only in absolute nothingness does the hunger subside. Inside nothingness the hunger feeds itsself.
Staring at carpet
Electricity pours from sunset, the mind races.
All this energy and nothing to put it into.
Feeling content. No need to go anywhere or do anything. Peace inside.
Feeling inspired, given a medium, creativity will naturally slip out.
My motorcycle is not the only way to enjoy life.
Within the comfort zone, but not clinging to anything.
For this moment riding the edge of experience instant by instant.
The monk opened his eyes and saw the sun shining off the floor in front of him.
The man opened his eyes and saw a reflection of nothingness in the words he created.
Needing some adventure. Weekends are starting to feel dull.
Not feeling any inspiration. Nothing pulling hard in any direction.
When I ride my motorcycle, I find peace. Hard to find other fulfilling activity.
Safely within the comfort zone, clinging to material things; nothing exciting happens.
For this moment I have lost the true nature of existence.
You find yourself a refugee. Everything was taken from you. Not only material posessions but your cherished mental states as well.
You have become a dull grey negative of the vibrant photo you were. You want to recapture the things you lost but are unable to find them. You want to inject color back into your life. But your just grasping at air, there is nothing to hold onto. No path to follow. Lost in the darkness of existence.
You leave your home. Changing locations your routine cycle of living has been broken, this at least opens up the possibility of your mind changing.
Day after day it is only you. Everything is a struggle. Finding a place to live, providing food for yourself, meeting people. Trying to sell yourself in this strange city is a war you wage every day.
Your environment turns you into an object, a product. You can hardly feel the emotions you experience inside, they just slip out of your body unconsciously.
In this mental state its hard to separate life from death.
The months pass and you make progress. Small traces of emotion flicker for fleeting moments. Soon you grasp them, you hold them close for however long they exist.
Slowly, you begin to live your life again. Slowly, the color begins to return. The smile you carry arises from the depths of your soul and ceases to be window dressing.
You allow yourself to feel again. You allow emotions to swallow you up and become your experience of life instead of them silently passing through you.
This is what everyday is like now.
The photo will never be exactly the way you remember it. There is no way to recapture the exact pose, or the look in the eyes. But the photo you have is beautiful and real.
The fire burned for so long.
It wasn't a painful fire, but a fire of boredom and dullness. The monk had rejected pain.
A numb hand only feels pressure.
In this state of rejection the monk had lost the moment. He had unlearned his fundamental understanding of existence and was instead lost inside a maelstrom of thought.
The monk thought back to his training; he took a deep breath, focusing on the breath and forgetting it at the same time.
Suddenly, something changed. All feeling came back immediatly after eons of suffocating numbness. The vastness of the world spread out before the monk. The fire burned again, pure pain.
Full awareness of each fleeting moment was all the monk needed...
So these past few weeks my life has changed a lot. I'm living in a different way now. Not thinking as much, just doing.
My creative energy comes out in ways other than text. I don't really feel motivation to type things out at this point. Maybe in the future that will change. Doing things in real life, interacting with other people instead of turning inward. Its an easy, shallow way of life.
There is no bull and there is no man. There is not even reflection at this point. A dark, unfathomable lake at midnight.
Floating on the breeze.
Spring is finally turning into summer. Things are moving again. The beer tastes better, everything seems lighter and freer.
My life has had some recent major changes. I'm staying up later, I feel a greater sense of purpose outside of work. Its strange, there was nothing big that caused this change. Just a small insignificant thing.
I discovered a website where I can DJ and communicate with people. Its like living another life, it makes my mind go away. It absorbs everything. Somehow, it makes things seem more real, it opens a connection that has been turned off for a long time.
Anyways, My Livevideo
Trying to do a live show every week at least. Its something that allows me to 'be in the moment' with the focus being on other people. Its a very good tool to improve my skills.
Also, there are other interesting people, my favorites are:
For now, life is good, even if its being lived in a fake world.
Meditation after being lost in that world is much stronger, the pull of reality is more immediate and observable. Like straining catfish that have been in a fryer for eons. The experience of existence becomes clearer now.
The rat slowly opened its eyes. Still dark. A small enclosed space. He had been there for days. Dehydration and hunger started to creep in.
Outside the rat heard the rythmic sound of the rain. How he wanted so much to get that rain, but he was in a dry place. Not even the slightest hint of moisture.
The rat folded its legs into the standard form of meditation and began breathing deeply. In the darkness, his eyes were slits. His mind became nothing.
So things are now back where they we're before. I'm back in "normal mode". The other me that floats through the clouds is back with 2 feet on the ground. Well, maybe 1 + 1/2.
The air today is electric. The energy from the passing storm stores itsself inside my body for a brief moment. It finds its way out through my fingers, only to return through my ears.
Yes, the post travel ups and downs are evened out by a weather inspired mix (caution: there will be trainwrecks, but they cancel each other out somehow (~20min)).
Click to hear mix
Rank 1 - Awakening
Armin Van Buuren vs Rank 1 - This World is Watching Me
Cosmic Gate - Analog Feel
Joop - The Future
Pierre Pienaar - This is Where We Are(DJ Space Raven Remix)
Stephen J. Kroos - Formalistic
Above & Beyond - Far from in Love
These are memories.
Ah this sucks. Got home a few hours ago, long 10 hour drive from Pensacola to Dallas. The euphoria of traveling has now worn off. It feels like I just ditched I girl I loved. Terrible, bitter feeling.
This must be what great performers feel after a concert. I just want to keep the euphoria going somehow. I'm addicted to that feeling like a drug. The feeling of being out on the roads in strange towns, getting into adventures; the feeling of being at a huge trance event.
I've been watching youtube video of UMF '08 trying to rekindle some memories, but its just not the same as being there.
I need to find some other thing to fill the void. Something I can get lost in.
I know ideas like that counter Zen. The idea of being in the moment regardless of how good the past was. Simply letting memories of happiness and visions of the future wash wherever they go. Becoming 100% aware in the moment of where you are and what your doing.
The fact is, I can go there now, I could take a few steady breaths and focus on the now, but there is a part of me that continues to reach for that euphoric feeling like a small child that doesn't get what it wants.
Of course my reaching for a feeling won't change anything, it will just put me in a state of longing, the state of the hungry ghost. But, just now, in the course of typing this I'm starting to sink into the now.
Yes, I have some nice trance music playing in the background. A few beers in my stomach. The past and the future don't matter, only now. This moment....