Standing Zen Again 

About (updated 10/03/07)

What the hell is Zen? (I dont even know anymore!)

Adventures in Programming! (in stasis)

The War (a short story)

Rehash (unfinished)


Time Exists
One Big ball of time 2006-07ish
One fucking long month 2005
May 2005
April 2005
March 2005
February 2005
January 2005
A few jumbled months 2004
September 2004
August 2004
July 2004
June 2004
May pt.II 2004
May pt.I 2004
April 2004
March 2004
Febuary 2004
January 2004
December 2003
November 2003
October 2003
September 2003
August 2003
July 2003
June 2003
May 2003
April 2003
March 2003
Febuary 2003
January 2003
December 2002
November 2002
August 2002
July 2002
January 2002
December 2001
November 2001
October 2001
September 2001
August 2001
July 2001
June 2001
May 2001
March 2001
Febuary 2001
January 2001
December 2000
August 2000
July 2000

Cool Links

Bro's page

Bjoy's page



Rob Pongi Happy Hour



This place used to be completely internal. I gave no thought to things outside myself and just let my soul breathe. But lately, its become a place where I hold two swords. One points directly out, looking for things outside myself. The other is held straight up, towards the moon.

This must change, the two swords must turn inward through my own body to expel the things hidden inside.
This is the only way. My life is not an advertisement to draw people in.

Moon Viewing


Alone in a forest, moonlight glowing. Reflecting off rocks. Reflecting off the pond.

Sipping hot sake in this cold, desolate place. Pure connection with everything.

Saved at the last second. A nightmare hell turned into shimmering white heaven.

Body and mind connected into nothingness, the monk was at peace.

Random Texas Weather


Wierd weather leads to wierd moods. Sushi and sake for one Friday (60). No beer Saturday(80). Beer on Sunday afternoon(40). Charged with the energy of Saturday night on Sunday afternoon.

Work tomorrow and not caring. Life turns into an internal activity.

Here is the strange mood of the moment(about 30min mix so buckle up)(wait a few mins and keep hitting stop/play to make it work right, sry for shitty coding):

(Sorry for poor audio quality, had it turned way too high for recorder to handle!!)
(Can't remember first record, too drunk, will update when found)
U&K - L'Esperanza
Airbase - Pandemonium/Ocean Realm
Super8 & Tab - Suru
Oakenfold - Ready, Steady, Go
(too drunk cant remember this popular song)
Iio - Rapture (AVB remix) (damn Nadia Ali's voice is so rad)
(too drunk cant remember, another pretty pop song)
Alice Cooper - Poison (badass old school, hear my mix near end)
(???. damn too drunK, good song though)
Armin Van Buuren - A State of Trance 2007: Disc 2 - In the Club
(yea pretty much the rest is this awesome AVB mix combined with various stuff)
(hard to explain, but if you listen to the AVB mix off iTunes or something and then listen to this you can tell what I've added/changed, cant remember the rest of the songs too drunk)

Imogen Tribute


So here's to the freedom thats out there and needs to be taken, all the different ways of looking at a single thing. Please feel the energy of the happy vibe.

Imogen Heap - Hide and Seek
Imogen Heap - Hide and Seek(Frequent Flyers Remix)
Armin Van Buuren - A State of Trance 2007: Disc 2 - In the Club
Sophie Sugar - Day Seven
Armin Van Buuren - A State of Trance 2007: Disc 2 - In the Club
Sophie Sugar - Day Seven
Ayumi Hamasaki - M(Above & Beyond Remix)

Drunk Again


So I've had some beer and the intensity of sobriety has vanished into the wind.

Everything seems more peaceful now. Like I'm not standing on the tip of an iron spike. Its good.

More laid back and connected, a good feeling.

Imogen Heap "Hide and Seek". Look up the lyrics if you don't know the song. The words come directly from her heart with no interruption. They describe fleeting emotions. Things that escape definition. Much like trance music.

Its my turn.

Faded black into soft streams
Swirling wood and glass
The Void

Imogen Heap inspired mix coming soon.

Sober Again


So I've been sober for about a week now because of on-call.

Its a strange feeling. I want a drink really bad, but if I keep it out of reach I can prevent myself from doing it. The downside is that it feels like by not drinking I'm lowering the amount of happiness I could be having right now.

When I drink all my worries and troubles fade away and I find myself able to connect with people easily. It allows me to do things with greater ease. When sober, I tend to calculate too much and think myself out of doing a lot of potentially enjoyable things.

I take that back, I can't blame beer for my stillness. The real reason I'm not doing anything is on-call. I hate getting calls while I'm out enjoying myself. On-call creates a situation where I have to shift back into work mode instantantly no matter what I'm doing. With that risk of interruption I'd rather just stay at home.

Its like flying in the sky, it feels great to fly. But would you fly if you knew that at any second your wings could snap and you would have to come crashing down to earth? Without on-call I can fly feeling secure that it will take a great thing to snap my wings. On-call, even the slightest gust of wind could crash me.

Another way of putting it: I'm lazy and on-call gives me just enough of an excuse to sit on my ass all day vs. going out and doing something with my free time.

There's not really much else to do with it. Maybe if I had the wireless card I could manage to do something, but without it walking outside is walking into a very perilous state of great unknowns and very temporary in nature.

But that's what life is in general right? Temporary, perilous. I'm just feeding myself the illusion that if I stay at home things are safer and more controllable when if you look at everything in its entirety, being at home is equal to going out and doing something.

Of course my mind goes into overdrive and calculates the chances of happiness outside vs. the risks outside vs. the predictable comfort of home. In this case, on-call adds too much weight to home and home wins. Unless something else comes up that shifts the balance I will probably just bum out tonight.

I hate being sober, I think too much, it takes the enjoyment and spontaneity out of life. Thinking is a cycle that goes around and around. Thoughts lead to other thoughts that lead to other thoughts, etc.... Beer easily breaks that cycle. Meditation breaks the cycle with great difficulty. DJing breaks the cycle somewhere in the middle. Beer + DJ = Pure Void, but I shouldn't think of such things now.

Maybe I can loose myself in a short set for a while:

Johnny Monsoon - November 2005 Live Uplifting Trance Set (Winamp)
Jay Lumen - Ultra
Krsty Hawkshaw meets Tenishia - Outsiders (Cosmic Gate Remix)
Above and Beyond - Home (Club Mix)
U&K - L'Esperanza

All is right with the world.



Lost in so many sounds and images. Inside a concrete haven, one forgets about death. So many distractions. We forget.

Seeing an autopsy, a human cut open like a fish. This brings everything back to its base level. Dead, we are just a mass of multicolored fluids and soft squishy things. Don't take yourself there, don't turn into a corpse while you are alive.

What you are is not a sum of the processes that exist inside you. You are the thing you experience now, the thing you think now.

So now, take what you have and thrust it into the world with your entire being. Withhold nothing. Move forward with your full energy. Allow the thing you are to expand endlessly into everything.



Wow, Oakenfold just blew me away. The warm-up DJs were just appetizers. When Oakenfold mixed in my brain melted. I forgot who I was, where I was, my past, everything. It all faded away.

His music took me to a higher plane. I was lost, hands in the air, chanting. Like those devout Christians that loose themselves to the point of having seizures.

Surrendering youself to the music, to the perfect beats, to the transitions. This is life.


The monk breathed in the cool mountain air at midnight.

The air was still, nothing, noone around. Yet surrounded by the animals of the night forest.

I came, hell is lonely....comfort me.

I get holy on finds me free.

Heaven holds a sense of wonder, and I hope I get caught up when the rain subsides.

I am smiling, I am sinking, in this silence.

I am breathing, In this silence, I believe.

Final Fantasy X & X-2
Silence (feat. Sarah McLachlan)[Airscape Mix]



You see someone doing something. It looks easy. You wish you could do it yourself. So you begin training.

At first its so difficult, you put so much effort into it, but it feels like your trying to run underwater. And despite your hardwork the results are laughable. It becomes like eating drywall. Tasteless and somewhat painful. But you continue.

Weeks pass. You slowly progress, getting slightly better but maybe not noticing it. Soon you grow bored with it, throw it in a closet somewhere for a few years and let it sit.

You pick it up again, its not so hard anymore. You continue practicing. You practice and practice until your hands bleed. Day after day.

Years later it is nothing to you, the same as breathing. Most of the time you hardly even notice your doing it, you see the reactions of people around you and that is the only way you can tell you are performing. You enter into a void where you are directly connected with your skill.

Now people look up to you and want to do what you do so well; the same way you looked up at someone else when you started.