Standing Zen Again 

About (updated 10/03/07)

What the hell is Zen? (I dont even know anymore!)

Adventures in Programming! (in stasis)

The War (a short story)

Rehash (unfinished)


One Big ball of time 2006-07ish
One fucking long month 2005
May 2005
April 2005
March 2005
February 2005
January 2005
A few jumbled months 2004
September 2004
August 2004
July 2004
June 2004
May pt.II 2004
May pt.I 2004
April 2004
March 2004
Febuary 2004
January 2004
December 2003
November 2003
October 2003
September 2003
August 2003
July 2003
June 2003
May 2003
April 2003
March 2003
Febuary 2003
January 2003
December 2002
November 2002
August 2002
July 2002
January 2002
December 2001
November 2001
October 2001
September 2001
August 2001
July 2001
June 2001
May 2001
March 2001
Febuary 2001
January 2001
December 2000
August 2000
July 2000

Cool Links

Bro's page

Bjoy's page



Rob Pongi Happy Hour

Resolve your worries


Brief images, concepts, flashes of content. Thats all I have now. Nothing cohesive is emerging from the muck.

I need to dig deep to find ammunition.

Thousands of paths appear before me. But I can't tread just one. I take a few steps and then move on to taste another path. Each path seems very interesting at first, but after a while it just fades away. Bullshit.

I will take one path and walk it until it goes no further. I still have the well traveled roads that are comfortable but not adventurous. Those are always there to fall back on.


Deep blue eyes, too dark and wide to be human. Inside them lies a strange void, oozing with pure passion.

Lost inside them, you find your soul ripped from your body. Desires you had forgotten suddenly emerge again. You want to take it, you want to capture her body somehow and make it a part of yours. The way she talks, the way she acts. You want it all for yourself and noone else. But there is no path for this, there is no instruction manual that tells you how to navigate her, how to conquer her.

You are lost in despiration, inside her eyes. You can feel them drifting away. You grab again and again in vain, your hands pass through them. Anguish, frustration; all the while the unblinking eyes are set on you, fading away.

So focused on the eyes, you forget yourself. You forget the energy that needs to pour from your soul to make life occur the way it should.

The dark blue eyes close and vanish forever, and you along with them.

Recollection pt. 2


Alone, in a slightly meditative state. I feel like producing something.

All thoughts and memories in my mind want to congeal into something real. Something you can hear or see.

At this moment, the memories and visions seem so real. I want to record them somehow, but I find my ideas cannot be produced the way I want them to. I have a great blueprint but not the tools nor materials to turn it into a physical object.

I feel great internal energy, a drastic change from normalcy. The memories come together in a feeling of great happiness.

With my limited abilities I will attempt to reproduce this feeling with sound:

Instead of going out and releasing my energy on the world, I decide to keep it inside and channel it into personal DJ action.



A return to times past.

Remembering the subtile moments of youth that school, college and work swallowed. Those little sweet times where everything was fresh and without bounds.

Staying up till dawn on the roof, watching the sunrise after a night of drunken stupor.

These are the times that we all forget, surrounded by the truths of the current situation they lay forgotten. Dig up that buried grave for just a few moments, remember.

This is my trainwreck, dug up burial, tribute to the past. Please listen. Let time happen as it happens.



Ah, so winter is approaching. The air grows cooler, things seem less "intense" somehow. Action slows and thinking increases. The mind prepares itsself for hibernation.

Staying indoors, being lazy and slow. These things mark the coming of winter.

Somehow, only a story can describe it properly.


The monk awoke again. This time in the cool forest air.

He mind was not burning, but slow and perceptive.

Instead of standing up and bursting into the action of maintaining his small forest hut, he sat for a few moments, staring vacantly off into a shadowy corner.

With a slight smile he drew in the cool air deeply. He felt the strength of his existence. Fulfillment. He released his natural grip on the air, exhaled like a great dam bursting, pressure being relieved so simply.

With great focus he arose and slowly walked into the morning forest. ...step after step....

Tiesto Tribute


God, those memories are so faded now. Feels like I never even took a vacation. I can remember it just fine, but I don't feel it.

To rekindle the feelings I made this Tiesto Tribute remix. I am copying a lot of his set. "10 seconds before sunrise" and "bright morning star" to start with and a few other tracks he's known for playing.

I kinda fucked up near the middle. While Majai is playing, trying to find the right place on the next record. But I'm going to keep this place live. What I play is what you get. If nothing else it will embarass me so my skills will improve.

Some really long tracks, I like switching more often, but I will give my respect by playing them near their full potential, they are truly beautiful tracks.

Trance is an acquired taste, just like beer. Can you feel it?

Back to the front


So life has turned back to normal again. No more driving on the edge of perception into randomness. Its all gone back into routine again.

Seeing the road for a few weeks has made normal life seem better. After seeing so many different unfamiliar things it feels good to see familiar things again. A new life has breathed into what was once normal life.

Heres a nice mix with a faster pace. I did have a slower Tiesto tribute mix, but I accidentally wrote over it with this. I will remake a Tiesto mix which is a tribute to my travels at some later point in time. But, for now, please find your heart beating with happyness. It will build towards the end, about 25min runtime.

Adventure Story Time


Ah, so its story time. Of course writings can never capture the true essence of life as it unfolded; this is just a shadow. The only way to do anything right is through pure experience.

That being said, I want to capture the experiences somehow, no matter how faded from actuality they are. They can still exist as a memory. Please enjoy my story.

Dallas to Memphis

I awoke on a Tuesday. Strange, not going to work, its rare to take vacations. With little fanfare I threw the luggage into my car and drove off.

I forgot what it was like to be on the road for long hours. Seeing so many new things. Having so much time to think. The drive from Dallas to Memphis seemed to take eternity.

Checking into my hotel alone, eating alone. Ironically, my own essence faded away when all I have is myself.

Memphis is a lot like Dallas. Highways and streets, pretty flat, easy to navigate.

But the people here are so much nicer. The hotel desk, the waitress. They seem to perform their job with more gusto. It made me feel more at ease than the coldness that seems to exist in Dallas.

Memphis to Louisville

From one unfamiliar place to another unfamiliar place. I'm living everything at the edge. Not knowing whats a mile down the road. Experiencing everything new as it occurs.

The air here is so much fresher. Breathing in deep is like taking in a full meal.

The people in Louisville are nice, just like Memphis. Its refreshing.

After checking in to the Motel 6 in a gritty part near the downtown area. I drove around and discovered a chinese food buffet. It was pretty good.

Driving back to the hotel was strange. It felt like home. I didn't feel any separation between myself and the city. Its as if I'd been magically warped to Louisville and forgot my previous life in Dallas.

I have a feeling that each city I visit will be like this. A blank slate. This is why I love long road trips.

Louisville to Pittsburgh

The road changes. Things are hilly now. I can hear the engine smoothly dump more horsepower as I climb. More turns. The road becomes more entertaining.

I drive into a small West Virginia town that supposedly leads to Pittsburgh. Ignoring the warning signs that the road is closed I find the dead-end and circle back. Beautiful houses on a mountainside bathed in the setting sun.

Then as I reach my destination, I remember that I'm meeting people here. My solitude in unfamiliar places will cease. I will meet familiar people in an unfamiliar setting. Friends that moved away not too long ago.

As the long hours of the road fade away I find myself in the beauty of bridges, water and confusing roads that is Pittsburg. I consult my maps as I drive up a large hill, past a liquor store that belongs in Compton and a drunk running around in the street. Into a driveway of gravel at a 45 degree angle.

I meet my friends and we have good times. Its sad that they live so far away. I take the experience moment- by-moment and enjoy each second.

And just like that, its over. I carefully back out of the hill, through all the confusing angled roads. and continue on my journey.

Pittsburgh to DC

Their are clouds in the sky. I can tell it will rain soon.

Its just past afternoon, cool outside. Everything bathed in a grey light. The mountain roads are more random and difficult. Steep turns and dropoffs out of nowhere. Turning a corner to find a Pensylvania toll booth nestled in the middle of nowhere. A turnpike that lasts hundreds of miles and costs $6. It almost feels like a foreign country.

In the middle of nowhere in the mountains and the rain pours down hard. It becomes difficult to see. Following the taillights of tractor-trailers endlessly through the curves. Unable to navigate without them. Many hours like this. It seems like an eternity.

The clouds break for a moment and I find myself in Washington DC. My hotel is in the downtown area just a few blocks from the White House.

I can't find it, night falls. It starts raining. I still can't find it. Streets are squares with diamonds in the middle. Round-abouts with 8 possible opions for streets and poorly marked street signs, I find myself circling around and around in search of my hotel. 2 hours pass as I drive around and around downtown. Heavy traffic, one-way streets, people walking around everywhere. Confusion. Rain.

Somehow I stumble upon my hotel. I feel acomplished, as if I had just won a war against an army that greatly outnumbered mine.

Exhausted, I pass out.


I awake in a comfortable bed, with the sun shining in my eyes. I walk to the window and look outside. A beautiful Saturday morning. I know that my journey is partially over. I have reached my destination.

I lay in bed for a few hours and watch TV. Its strange seeing a morning show for DC, weather for DC. Those things were designed for the people that live here. But I'm just passing through. Its a strange feeling, as if I'm another person.

The show starts at 3PM. Its still morning. I walked around downtown for a while. Not many people on the streets in comparison to last night. I observed the people, they are truly a different make than in Dallas.

I grow tired of walking and decide to drive around.

The parking is valet only, so I stand outside in the cool air and wait for my car to come to me. Its odd seeing it come to me, as if pulled by nature. My car, the most familiar thing to me in this distant city.

I travel to a few neighboring cities and discover a place to eat. I drive back, past the place where Tiesto will play, I make notes of the parking.

I return to the hotel and grab my ticket and then drive to the lots I marked earlier. I enter the event. They closed off a street for it. Its strange. Hearing good music at 4PM standing in the middle of a street.

I observe the people, definately a different type than Dallas. Everyone seems so free and happy. I open a tab with the bartender and each time I come back he remembers me and has an open bottle waiting on the counter before I can even say anything. On top of that the women are so beautiful, free and open.

Many hours pass. The opening DJs finish up and just as the sun is setting Tiesto opens.

Its hard to describe the experience. I lost myself inside of already loosing myself inside a foreign place. My brain melted into nothingness. The direct transmission of experience and emotion through sound from Tiesto. It was drugs and sex combined as I mindlessly danced away with the attractive women of DC.

Five hours later. It of course came to an end. I drove back the familiar downtown DC area for the last time to my comfortable hotel room.

Spiritually satisified I slept like a rock.

The Trip Home

It started well enough. I packed my things and my car came to me. I drove off, 11AM. Away from DC. Away from Virginia. The sun sets.

Its 2AM. I've just made it out of Tenessee. And still at least 5 hours to go.

My mind fades into delirium. I can see gremlins running alongside my car, driving me forward. They turn to me and wave. I have imaginary conversations with truck drivers as I attempt to decide if I want to go faster and pass everyone or just hang back.

Miles pass. 3 tanks of gas. My body keeps the car on the road, but my mind is gone. The sky, in its blackness creates a tunnel for me to drive through. Changing radio stations, CDs. I somehow stay good enough to drive.

I keep going through the miles and miles. 5AM. I enter Texas. It feels good to be home. Not a foreigner. I know where I am.

Strange fog emerges until I enter Dallas. 7AM. I would be going to work now. Its Monday. I drive through the city in a strange psychosis. I'm seeing life in reverse. I can see the sun rise. As it breaks a cloud of birds run into the sky. Its so beautiful.

Only a few miles from home, but traffic is so bad. It takes forever.

Somehow I make it home. Light in reverse, the way it was not meant to be seen. I collapse into bed with so many memories.

The next day I take the experience I have gained from my journeys and apply it to my normal life. One week left of vacation. Free, I will spend it with the greatest fullness until it ends.

Back from DC


Just got back from DC. Tiesto was excellent. The trip was sweet.

I was able to loose everything for a while and live like a wanderer.

Should have some stories of my travels tomorrow.

Theres lots of coverage of Tiesto on youtube, just search for "Tiesto DC 9-15-07" if your interested. Needless to say it was about 10x better than his concert in Dallas.

Brewing a Plot


Ah what a week. My first 24 hour shift. It killed my brain, I am just now "coming back into myself". 24 hours for a project feels satisifying in the end, the people I worked with were good people. People from the north, a different breed than us southern folk.

Their accents, their mannerisms; very different from down here. Generally they seemed more laid back and happy. The south in general seems more up tight and strict. I can even see those features within myself.

Ah, 2 weeks off starting Monday. I'm driving to Washington DC to see Tiesto play one of his last US "Elements of Life" events. I'm gonna try to document it here the same way I did Japan. This is a very important trip for me. My first since starting work at the hospital.

Its gonna be great.

In the meantime here is one of my latest mixes. Its pretty heavy vocally and has a slow pace until near the end. I think of it as relationships between man and woman. Listen to the perspective of man, followed by trance, followed by perspective of woman; building up until they both come together in the end and fade away. It runs about 30min. Can you spot the faults in my DJing? Please go to and let me know what parts are good and bad.



My mind has become sober again somehow.

New great experiences. Sharing love by giving pain to a woman. A perfect provider and a perfect reciever. Things are pure again.

Flight plans draw themselves out naturally. Just a course that appears, a course to follow. No indecisiveness; a soft flexible rail that seeps out of the depths of the earth and is followed perfectly.

Plans that take place in the extreme depths of the night. Needs are satisified and life continues. Sharing love and happiness in many ways.

My Music


Please listen, this is my mix.

It runs about 20min. Please give feedback on myspace, im trying to improve.

My setup is:
Two Numark TT-1510 Turntables (belt driven :O)
Numark DXM09 Mixer
Recorded with Blaze Media Pro

Heres the tracks:
Wound - Velvet Acid Christ
King of My Castle - Sander Van Doorn Remix
Unbreakable - Perpetual Trance
Tundra - Menno De Jong
Original Extended Mix - The Simarilla 2007
Lightwave (Airbase Remix) - Majai
Leon Bolier Remix - The Simrilla 2007
Armin Van Buuren vs Rank1 - This World is Watching Me

The Box


The dry heat of the desert corroded the frail bones of the long dead horse.

The gold inlaid box of oak rested beneath the sea of sand.

The worn oak ladder lead to the isolated tower.

Everything was quiet, in utter desolation.

At some intersection of time and action the spirit of a mysterious woman soaked the hidden box with things long forgotten and the bones of the dead horse rose again, if only for a fleeting moment.

Days past and the bones rose again, playing at being alive. A vacant object free of its burdens, with no purpose. Constantly dissapearing and fading away, but unaware of such.

Finally, the essence of the woman left the sunken box and the lost bones of the horse fell again into the sand.

The oak somehow became stronger and the gold inlay faded slightly.



At the edges of exhaustion. Everything around changes. The beer tastes better, the music sounds better.

For just this brief moment I remember great times. Good things. Good people. Its as if I'm another person. Its as if I am tapping directly into my life force somehow.

But the shell will soon return, I know it will. It will block everything I feel now out.

I must make great efforts in the future to grab and hold onto the things I feel now. Everything is fleeting.

Elements of Life


Wow, Tiesto kicks ass. I saw his Elements of Life show last night. It was almost a sexual experience. Insane visuals combined with pro mixing and the strong energy of the packed crowd.

Its hard to describe, but its reloaded my artistic inspiration cannon. Its taken me to great places and unlocked several closed doors. Very powerful stuff.

Deep dark forests filled with emotions.

I suppose its all very feminine, but I need a little bit of that in my life also.



So life takes another turn; you suddenly become aware of the fact that everything is in constant change. Perpetual motion. You stop things and take a picture, but its all constantly moving. The pictures you take and hold close to your heart are only fleeting images.

Is depression the embodyment of that belief? If so then I need to change the way I think. Maybe something more along the lines of: Life is a brief fleeting experience, within which any single moment can be captured and replayed endlessly. Any single moment can be changed to fit what you want it to be. Its that easy.

Rules are pointless. Just live.



I love music. Especially the stuff I DJ. It starts out a few hours on autoplay, just playing decent music, stuff that sounds good, but it doesn't really make you want to move, or get you superexcited.

And then later a smooth transition into peak hour music. This stuff is hot, it takes you places you've never been before. You can't resist moving to it. It sets your mind on fire in a good way.

Then after that one song that blows everything away and then a gradual decline of the complexity and excitement of music until you end up where you started off. With just a few ok songs.

Its very biological. Almost like sex. It can be good and it can be bad depending not only which really good songs you decide to play but also on the transition between the songs. You have to make sure the beats match, and that the keys suit each other or else it doesn't work. One mistake can make the entire session fall apart into nothingness.

MMM, very self serving, but sometimes others can join in as well.

Good Music


Your cruel
your blood
like ice

one look
could kill
my pain
your thrill....



Drinking sake as the sunset reflects off the unfinished wooden columns.

The monk found himself in the city again, away from his forest cottage.

Instead of birds chirping, indistinct voices reflected off the walls of the small bar. Alone in a sea of people. No connections with anything other than his sake. Hot pure taste fills his mouth and warms his soul. The heat of the natural bar mixed perfectly.

His mind dulls down as everything darkens slightly. Calm and peace brought on by a source other than himself. An addictive beautiful enhancement.

More stuff


Ah so beer and more beer have lead to a state of semi-nothingness. So early in the morning to still be awake. But this is good.

Is it bad to plagerize if its the feeling of the moment?::::

Every single night the same arangement, I go out and fight the fight
Still I feel the strangest strangement, nothing here is real or right
I've been making shows of trading blows, just hoping noone knows
Ive been just going through the motions.....

Yea so thats the cliff notes version. Right? Just too much beer im sure.

I've got a theory it doesnt matter, what can't we face if we're together. Whats in this place that we can't weather. Nothing, right?

Its do or die tonight. Hey I've died twice.

They got the mustard in my hot dog properly (thank you)

I live my life in shadow, never the sun in my face.
I didn't seem so sad tho. I think if that was my place. I would just be a ghost passing throughout space.
I saw a world enchanted, spirits and charms in the air. I took for granted that I was the only one there.
Thank you beer, im under your spell, nothing I can do, you just took my soul with you, you make me believe (in the spirit of nothing).
I can feel you inside, I drink with every swell, lost in extacy. You make me believe. You make me complete.

I want to bury my love in a hole 6 foot deep. I can lay my body down but I can't find my sweet release. You just want to misbehave, please stop visiting my grave. I know I should go to sleep, but I follow you posessed. I can see your your unimpressed,please just let me rest in peace.

Yes but of course, this is just an extenstion of emotion created artificially right? But at the endd of the day, it makes sense right? There is some truth in this rambing.

We experience life as a combination of lights, sounds and memories. And it will continue on for infinity until we die. So what will you do with it? Will you piss it all away? If you do is that so bad? There are always more questions than answers.

I touch the fire, and it freezes me.
I look into it and its black.
Why can't i feel. My skin should crack and peel.
I want the fire back.

The torch I bear is scorching me.

Everything is turning out so dark, but I know this is the spark that I need.

Yes, but lifes a show,,, and we all play our parts. And when the music starts we play our hearts. Its alright if some thing come out wrong, cause in the end we will sing a happy song.
But don't give me fucking songs, I want something to sing about!.
Yea you dont get to rehearse. Alll that happy shit, why can't I feel it????
You know, when you vow, you leave the crowd and thats death right. Expelled from heaven??

PLease give me something to sing about dammit!!!!
Life isn't a song, life is just this, its living. So live dammit!!!



A lot of time has passed. Time spent experiencing various things.

For a while things get so intense, going out every night. Dancing, drinking, communing with the world around you, then in an instant your understanding of life diminishes to the confines of a small room with a large glowing screen in front of you. Its not a bad thing, but for some reason the hunger left you. It vanished and now you are an empty shell again. But someday it will come back for sure.

Changes in circumstances based on your desires. You like the idea of going out and doing things, but you dont feel it anymore. You want to feel it, but it doesn't appear, so you accept not feeling it and the shell of life this leaves you with.

This is the true nature of life. It is the way it is, like the breeze or the rain, which can easily be exchanged for fake sunshine with a few beers.

The glow of the monitor can be as bright as a club filled with people. But only for so long.


Wheat combined with various substances combined in Germany to make Zen. Look it up. It makes sense.

Anger will fade away into nothingness. The fear and pain inside you will fade away. Just give it time.

Its going to be a fine day tomorrow, its going to be a fine night tonight. Like that.

The chorus should resound in your heart naturally each and every day. If it doesn't then pray on your knees to yourself each and every day for 40 days and find the nature that exists silently inside you.

Find that place



In a warm place again. The monk has come back, finally, after a relatively short period of time.

Warm, inside. No wind. No cold chilling past the bone. Warm, everywhere. Surrounded by sounds and lights. People exist as warm ghosts, circling around. And then I realize that I am a ghost myself. Just a slinder thread hung by the whim of an empty hand.

Warm regardless of the circumstances.

The monk is always here.



Its been a while since I've been motivated to type things out. Life just flowed for a while and nothing needed to get out of me. I'm not sure what caused this. Before things were bleeding out of me onto this site. It was a blow-off valve on my high pressure supercharger. Now, it doesn't feel like that at all, I can't feel it, its empty.

It really comes down to me finding other ways in life to relieve internal pressure.

So the monk doesn't live here anymore. He went somewhere else. He might come back, but he's not here right now.

The Living Past


Its a cool spring morning. You open your eyes as you lay in bed. You can hear the sounds of traffic outside starting to pick up which reminds you that you are in the heart of a major city. In contrast with the suburbian town you lived in before, this place seems to have more life to it. It hasn't had kids and settled down into a mundane life yet. No, its still alive and the possibilities for the future are endless.

Its Saturday, there's no class today. But living on campus it feels like theres always class around you. Class in the air you breath and class falling off the people that walk the halls. It makes you feel like your always a part of something. As if you freely share your consciousness with everyone around you.

You take in a deep breath. The smell of old wood. It reminds you of a familiar library with a rich history. The smell is so complex, it seems to contain the spirit of everything that ever existed.

Bathed in the morning light you find yourself in the lobby of your dorm and wonder across the floor to your mailbox. Inside is no mail. But you hesitate closing the box to watch particles of dust float inside the warm sunlight. Watching this makes you feel as if your in a dream. But this is no dream, its Saturday you tell yourself.

You walk out the front door. In the chilly morning air you light a cigarette and sit on the only bench. Inhaling the smoke in slowly you watch the busy street as people go about their day. Everyone is going about, doing something, so busy. You saviour this time; without anything important to do your just a passive observer. You inhale more smoke and exhale with a deep breath. You gaze about at the trees and cars as the nicotine gives you a slight rush.

Time seems to slow down and stretch out. You have enough time to think of everything and still have time left over. Its comforting, this feeling of endlessness. You can live so many lives in this one life and the smoke you are inhaling this very second is only a fraction of it. Its so miniscule and pointless, but at the same time, its everything because you are here, now, living every second of it.

You fade back from deep thought into the chilly morning air again. A slight breeze. Warm sunlight. Cigarette. Smoke. Scattered voices of people around. Traffic.

You notice your cigarette is almost to the butt. With a deep sigh you inhale the remaining tobacco and in the same breath throw it to the ground and twist your heel to put it out. This done, you exhale the last of the smoke.

Without any thought you head back to your room.

Staging Area


So I cleaned up the mess and threw it into a drawer somewhere with a label: "Big Ball of time". I don't really feel too satisified about it though. You would think that cleanliness would make me happy. But no. Since there is no space to this place there is no such thing as physical cleanliness, its just an illusion. Maybe I'll look at it differently tomorrow and forget its an illusion.

Life is full of ups and downs and depending on the experiences you have space between the ups and downs can be very great. Almost to the point of living two(or more) separate emotional lives.

Its sometimes dissapointing, one minute at a concert feeding off the happy energy of the band and the audience in some sort of extacy. The next watching videos of the concert on YouTube in an attempt to recapture that energy. But the energy you seek doesn't lie behind a computer monitor, it only exists out in the world amongst people. Thats the truth.

Computers, technology. The world is connected together now, everything links up to everything else at some point. Its an illusion to believe that we are closer to one another because of this. Sure, it makes it easier to communicate, easier to remind ourselves of each other. But it lets us drift apart, we kid ourselves into accepting an email or a phone call over real life face-to-face contact and adventures.

This is my sin, accepting electronics over humans. Convincing myself that somehow all the things I place before me have prescidence over this impermanent human existance. I need to strive every day to get closer to my existence and get closer to people.

I haven't meditated in a while. I've forgotten zen. I've allowed myself to be consumed by electronics. I have lost my core and drift around like a hungry ghost. Always looking for the next best thing to make me forget my hunger. I play new games, I play new music, I watch TV, I work. I become absorbed in all these things and forget to eat. I need to stop and eat some food to fill my empty ghost.

These years the goal isn't to find the next thing to occupy time. The goal is to do nothing, absolutely nothing so that I can become reunited with myself. Even everything I do here is just an illusion; but it awakens a great hunger in me and reminds me of my own existance finally.

I will ditch this hungry ghost illusion and fill myself with the silence between breaths. At least for a short moment.

Rebirth Again


And so the new morning is here finally......except its actually night.....and I happen to be very drunk. I'm sure the beer has nothing to do with the "new morning" .

But of course it does. 2 Weeks without beer = "hard feelings" and 1 night with beer = "new morning". It all makes sense now. Its totally logical. I'm an alcoholic.

Beer isn't just the cream in my coffee or the little kick I need to use to get more out of life. It is life, it is happiness. Its all contained within those little bubbles, inside the barley and hops combined and fermented in a perfect combination.

Of course with the proper motivation and enough time I can find happiness without beer. But its so easy and it tastes good. A few mild after-effects of course, but I can deal with those.

Ah, I don't really want to be an alcoholic. I don't want to put myself in a little box like that. I don't want to depend on anything other than myself for happiness, but at the same time the beer brings me happiness.

"Alcoholic" brings such a negative connotation. Besides I usually only drink on weekends. Its not like I drink every day. So its fine, its ok. I'm more like a shining knight coated in silver armor during the weekdays pressing my way through withdrawel and taking everything so seriously, and then on the weekends I shed the armor and soak my tired bones in a sauna of beer.

I have a system, it might not be perfect, but it gets me through life.


The bright moonlight glistened along the dark wood floor. The monk lay asleep in his little forest hut. Nothing would wake him up.