Back to main page

May 2004

Mental Dump


Yes its that time again. Time to take a mental inventory.

I am about 3 days away from my trip to California to visit my aunt and uncle. I look forward to it, all the adventure that comes with it and seeing how my relatives are doing. I've never been to California before seems like an intresting place. After staying there for 6 days I'm going to drive home, spending at least one day in Los Angles, Las Vegas, Phoenix, Alburquerque and Lubbock. I plan to be gone for about 15 days.

In order to ease my fear of flying I've been imagining every possible way to die in an airplane. Everything to instant death from explosion, to prolonged death through falling or terrorist take over. I think I got it all under control mentally. The fear isn't really bad unless I try to ignore it or get stuck within the percieved fear of the last few moments of life. You will die with or without fear, death doesn't care it just comes naturally. To get over the fear of death you have to understand/feel this, the utter nothingness of it.

Moving on to a less death related subject, last night I got pretty trashed. I was talking to Samantha and Cori pretty hardcore. Like looking straight into their eyes and carrying on meaningful(drunken) conversation. I love women, they seem so pure and beautiful. I know there are probably a lot of things wrong with them under the surface, but if you just stay on a shallow level with them you can ignore it. Of course this pretty much rules out sex, but I really don't think sex with another person is much different than sex with ones self. Its just a physical activity, the real "action" is all upstairs. Happiness/contentment can exist without sex.

Lately, I've been having this wierd obsession with female celebrities. I guess my attraction to them is a combination of my need to know attractive women coupled with their accessibility via the internet. Its kind of like having a girlfriend but much more convienent. A few clicks and you can read stories/biographies or look at endless pictures of them. Then you just use your mind to fill in the blanks, and boom, instant girlfriend; always there when you want her usually never there when you don't. Today the celeb is Linda Park, she plays Hoshi on Enterprise. She is hot. Its kinda cool cause she runs her own website ( this adds an extra layer of intimacy.

Today I cleaned the yard. Fired up the mower, edged the sidewalk. I have found the best way to cure a hangover is to sweat it all out. It might hurt like hell for a little while but it gets the job done.

Yea so anyways good stuff, I'm gonna go back to searching for pictures of Linda Park.



At what point do things feel crappy?

Today things felt crappy when I ate in a Mexican "restaurant" in Madill, Oklahoma. The outside of the restaurant looked like little more than a storage shed. The inside had bare floors and a few rustic tables along with spanish music playing out of a crappy clock-radio. The walls were a combination of wood panneling from the 80s and white butchershop paper with crayon drawings of people on it. Sharp florecent bulbs provided the light for this crappiness. The waitress was nice however.

This feeling of crappiness came again inside a Wal-Mart in the same city. It wasn't anything close to the modern Wal-Marts in terms of size and atmosphere. From the front enterence with about 4 cash registers you could see straight back to the far wall. When you look down any isle you could see a wall not too far away. Old florecent lights gave the store a yellowish glow. When you are walking down any isle you have to look out for people with shopping carts; seeing one means you either have to step into another isle or turn around and go the other direction as the isles are very narrow. The ten people in the store were either high school aged people wearing tattered clothes or very old people or employees.

These places I visited today gave me a feeling of crappiness. Coming from a major city I do not see how people manage to survive in places like these. Not enough room to feel comfortable coupled with a bad atmosphere. I felt myself talk slower, walk slower and think slower. These places seemed to suck the life out of me, kind of like a bad movie or shitty public restrooms.

I don't understand why they make me feel crappy. I thought of myself as mature enough to feel content in even the worst places. Perhaps I have spent too much time in the DFW area going to nice restaurants and living in a nice house with a nice car. My idea of normal consists of the way I live in DFW; I consider anything better to be high class and anything worse to be low class. Living a certain way for a few years gives one a certain point of view from which the class of everything else is measured.

Perhaps after living with crappy mexican food shacks and crappy Wal-Marts for a while they would not seem so crappy and my living conditions in DFW would begin to seem high class, but for now I am stuck with this specific subjectivity.

My Dead Journal


Looks like the finally pulled the plugs. I was hoping to get my entries out and put them here before that happened but didn't get the chance. The host had been talking about pulling the plugs because he was running out of money so it wasn't like I didn't have fair warning. Oh well, there always comes a point where you must forget all the bad shit behind you and just focus on the future, I don't have a problem with that.

So last night my bro, Bjoy, Jason and myself got some good basketball action in. Man, I need to start working out more it pretty much kicked my ass. After that we hung out and drank till about 4AM, it was pretty cool, just like old times.

I woke up tired. It was actually a good feeling. It gets boring waking up feeling fully rested, too normal. Passed out for an hour while watching the Rangers get their asses handed to them by the Yanks and now I feel reborn. Feelin kinda creative too, think I'm gonna add something to "The War" later on.



So here I am, no job, no school. My way of viewing reality is slowly begining to turn inward. Instead of focusing on the outside I am beginning to focus on the inside. The place I left behind a year ago due to the combination of work and school. I do enjoy the action of the outside and will take advantage of it when I can, but primarilly I am seeing life "through my eyes".

I made this photo-journal thing so I could carry my pure text journal to the next level of art/self exploration, but in fact the pictures just take away from what I am looking for. They take focus away from myself and place it on something external.

There are things that pictures express that words cannot, and at the same time, there are things words express that pictures cannot. The blending of the two should logically cover all ground in terms of expression. But in fact, their combination just limits the potential expression of either. It turns my ideas into some kind of mush, my words ring hollow next to the pretty pictures and the pictures lose their luster with the distracting text.

Perhaps, with some practice I will master the art of combining visions with thoughts.



Insane Drunk Action


Yes, its Monday, 6pm, I dont have shit to do. Its time to get drunk! Even though I enjoy the experience of reality. The experience of the fantasy beer provides is enjoyable as well.

I ran out of Asahi, and gave $5 to my neighbor friend Tommy and he hooked me up with some miller lite. Not too bad, but it doesn't have the full body Asahi has. Asahi is like: HEY IM FUCKING BEER MUTHERFUCKER. Miller is like: hey im beer guy.

Yea but good times, good stuff. Have a good life no matter what you are doing!

Field Trip


So I took a trip to see my parents on Saturday. I love going up there, lots of open space, forests and a general sense of calm. The road up there consists of several long stretches of barren road. Its like traveling to another planet.

They live in a caboose near Lake Texhoma. Its pretty rural. The nearest grocery store is little more than a gas station a few miles away near the bridge to Oklahoma. Right now, my parents are tilling up soil to plant bermuda grass to make hay with. It gives them some kind of agricultural tax break. Yup, theres a lot more on this earth than I can see from my room.

In addition to the action of adventure, I got to use a chainsaw to cut up a tree. The chainsaw is the most empowering tool known to man. Its heavy, its loud and it is many sharp pieces of metal moving very fast.

Operation Shed


Yea, I cleaned out the shed today. Man, that place has been going downhill ever since I decided to be lazy and store dead leaves and tree trimmings in there.

Tried to get a few pictures of cool spiders I found, but the spiders ran away just as I was about to take the shot. They were some little bastards too, I figured living in the shed would make them grow big and healthy, guess not.

As a side note, I need to work on my picture taking skills, this camera takes badass pictures if used properly.

First Entry


Yea so this is my first entry.
It is an entry about the making of this website.
Wow pretty exciting, right?

Decided to use Microsoft Visual, its pretty easy to use. There are people who hate Microsoft and people that love Microsoft. I'm one of the ones that loves Microsoft. Sure Bill gates is satan and their crap is way overpriced and sometimes security holes are exploited by hackers and the patches that fix the holes cause more security holes, but when it gets down to actually using their stuff it works well and bugs are usually minimal.