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I feel drained. Both mentally and physically to a lesser extent. Just 3 days after spring break and all this work and worries crash through my beautiful glass window, where I could see a clear black sky and a full moon. The windows broken and in its place so many bad things, I cant even see the sky anymore, not until the weekend hopefully. Humanities paper, Book outlines, art book(used to be fun....), C++ programs(well I guess thats ok). Fear that my old program wasn't graded, fear to confront the problem and get resolution. Uncertainty of summer intern status, been two weeks no replies, should I take school instead? When should I give up hope and start down another path? Is it already too late? My friends? no time for them, too tired, only two hours of free time today, must sleep to wake up and do it again tomorrow. Only time to think, now. I can't drive in this state, paranoia, anger, emotions. How will I get to school like this, autopiolot? hope youll be with me tomoroww and the rest of the week. Good luck to me. Luck, luck has nothing to do it, ill be ok, I can't fall forever. Soon ill hit the solid ground, back against the wall in the corner and fight them off, all of them. They will cut me, but ill live, drowning till the last second of life. Ill surface eventualy, I can still see the surface, I can see where i can go, out, away, down my path. Too much stuff happening, drained, life has dulled, if I felt it all it would be too much, ill pushon through the solid ice desert of the sun heat, darkness of grey, rain, floods, all the time, itll be ok in the end. I can open another special door when I need to.


Hmm.. just felt like typing.

1) Do schoolwork - this should be first priority, my future depends on it (so im told). It shouldn't be too difficult however, summer coming up, most reports and papers behind me, just finals and a handful of exams.

2) Find summer activity - to avoid a boring, slow summer I need to find something to do besides play videogames and masterbate. A computer related job would be nice, but hard to get. Don't want to take summer school, maybe certification classes, ya that would be nice. Or peerhaps a BS summer job, like a janitor or something, yea.

3) Fully repair car - Take it to repair shop, work is too hard for me to do alone without proper tools and knowledge.

4) Tie up loose ends - Get DVD decoder, other stuff like that, maybe get more active social life, hang out more.

Still feel like im missing something, more to life than this etc... I think im just bored. New things bring stress but they also bring excitement, I must seek out and do new things or at least other things, even if they seem boring at first- boredom anywhere but here is better than boredom here. hehe-funny wording.

Meditate more, zen is very good at nothing. Remember the way out to freedom is freedom way.

Particle by particle sahmadi is water in a pail, rice in a bucket. (work on that one)