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Insert generic title here

12/19/04 (night)

Man, my last entry is barely comprehensible. A true reflection of my confusion. But now things seem clearer.

When you are with her everything else fades away. This little universe that only you and her exist in forms. Inside this universe you feel yourself and her merge to the point of being unable to recognize or remember the self that existed before. It seems so solid and permanent, but with the wrong words or the wrong actions it instantly dissolves into nothingness and you are left with only illusions of what it felt like. A good dream.

You want to create this universe again, but it does not come at will. It takes work and you are not sure you have the ability or motivation to perform it. Eventually, you must give up the desire to exist in this ideal universe and just move forward with your life. If the universe comes, it comes; if it doesn't, it doesn't.

You must release this universe without resenting it. You must make a clean break and not burn any bridges. Its not about her, its about yourself. You must be prepared to move forward with her outside this universe and also be prepared to leave her if the her you percieve outside this universe is not to your liking. You cannot base your actions on the imagined existence or non-existence of this ideal universe.

I have been living in the real world for too long, I need a little more fantasy in my life. But I cannot expect her to create this fantasy for me. I must create it for myself and then see if she wants to join me inside it.

Wow

12/19/04 (before sunrise)

My penis and my mind are locked in mortal combat. There is a girl who I have something for she has feelings for me. I want sex, she doesn't want sex unless we are in a relationship. She wants a relationship. I am not sure I want a relationship.

Is the fact that I know I will get some if I get in a relationship with her making me want a relationship with her. Or do I have genuine feelings for her?

I like her, no doubt about that. But, I have a lot of other things in my life to put energy into. But, I still like her. I don't have like really intense feelings for her or anything. But it feels good to talk to her and be around her along with the whole sexual attraction.

At the same time, I feel like she is just dangling a carrot in front of me. "Look what you could have if only you got into a serious relationship with me".

"I like her". What does that mean? She makes me feel good, thats why I like her. Its a gut feeling and it can't be broken down anymore than that.

The actions that I take in response to this gut feeling are arbitrary. Are they really? Maybe they just occur according to what I think I should do in response to them.

All this is getting too complicated. I should just act according to what feels good.

Ah, another idea. I will reverse the teasing. I will continue talking to her without even bringing up sex and see what happens. This seems like the best course of action. (thanks Shayna).

Evolution

12/12/04

Hmm, all the months are running together instead of staying separate in their own little pages. But life doesn't come in pieces, it just flows, so maybe it is better this way. Change is constant. The feeling that any moment will continue for eternity is just an illusion.

It feels good to type again. For just this moment.

My job has sharpened my people skills. I feel more free around people. I am begining to listen to myself more and go with it instead of fighting. It feels good to do that , natural, like the direction a river flows.

Tomorrow I have a pre-hire interview. I am now working under contract for the hospital, but if I get hired on I will get benefits as well as a heafty increase in pay.

Its odd to think that my position there is not set in stone yet. I go into work every day and feel just like an employee, the contract doesn't change my feelings towards work. I'm still green, but my action there seems free and natural. It doesn't feel like just a job, it feels like some kind of life adventure or something. I look forward to going to work each day because I know challenges will arise and my skills will improve in order to defeat them. If I look back at myself even a few weeks ago I see a much weaker individual.

My writing skills have suffered, I can tell. Even reading what I just typed, it sounds jumbled, it doesn't flow like it should. But I lack the motivation to clean it up. There was a time when clear writing came natually to me, after all those semmesters of writing classes. Revision is a bitch, life constantly moves forward so why should I go back and attempt to create some kind of perfect fantasy. But I suppose that kind of is the point of writing, to create a perfect state that does not exist in reality.

Man, Im all over the place. Im just freewriting whatever thoughts enter my head. I don't feel the sense of validation I used to get from doing this. It seems just an empty motion, but somewhere there is a tiny tingle of satisfaction. I'm not quite sure where it comes from.

So Im kinda seeing this new girl. At first I really wasn't intrested in her too much on anything other than a physical level. But now, theres more than that, I like her. She has a very free mind, she doesn't get entangled in the nuances of life, she freely glides by. She is the person I want to become, at least in some sense. Being around her makes me feel good, so I will continue talking to her.

I haven't meditated in a while, but I dont really need to. I have obtained a free type of action, I am myself. I don't get trapped on certain thoughts or actions, it moves freely. But meditation still feels good.

Im gonna go do stuff now, I will write more when I write more.

OK

11/26/04

Ok, Im feeling a little better now. Good things in life often gravitate between extreme pleasure and extreme pain before settling at a comfortable balance. It isn't the thing itsself that changes, rather yourself. You body and mind try different ways of dealing with things, sometimes trying the painful, sometimes trying the pleasurable, always in pursuit of comfortable.

I have found the comfortable at work. To escape the constant exposure to death and suffering I've learned to rely on other living people. The people that work there already know how to cope with this shit, just follow their lead and its all good.

Example: Last week I went up to CVICU (cardiovascular intensive care unit) to work on a messed up scanner cabinet. (records when medication is dispensed and if a particular medicine is safe to give) These cabinets are located in the patient rooms. I talk to the head nurse for a while and then he shows me in there. There is an old lady with all kinds of tubes down her throat, legs twitching and making a non-human choking sound. In a calm voice the nurse is like "Yes, weve been having trouble with this cabinet" *loud choking sound, legs convulsing* "It seems sometimes it scans medication twice" *more choking* "Can you fix it?". This guy said all this stuff without missing a beat or batting an eye while this old lady is in a bed fighting for her life. Its insane, but thats how you deal with it. You just get used to it and learn to zone it out.

The energy of all the employees in the hospital is higher than normal people, this is yet another coping mechanism. It seems to work too, create a layer of energetic happiness to absorb the suffering around you.

So anyways, Im ready to go back to work Monday. This 4 day weekend is giving me time to catch up with myself a little bit.

no

11/21/04

No, thats not right. The weekends are about pulling yourself into a hell you couldn't even imagine just so the weekdays look that much better.

Non-hiatus

11/21/04

Man, my shit is all fucked up. Im smelling womens perfume as an afterglow.

Life with corpses, grandmothers on their deathbeds and little kids with IVs in their arms is taking its toll on me. Seeing that every day makes the two days of the weekend seem like a dream that doesn't last long enough.

I enjoy the comradarie we have at work, our little tech team. But the weekend seems fucking empty, I cant find happiness anymore. It seems like the rest of my life will just burn away into nothingness with false hopes and wishes.

I will be that old man one day, but I will be dead without any bullshit. I want to die on my own.

I need sleep, ive been up too long.

Hiatus

11/2/04

This site is going to be on hiatus for a while. My job is demanding a lot of my attention, which is a good thing. I don't feel so out of place anymore and as a result don't have much psychological/creative ammunition.

Emotions and Cars

10/23/04

Ah, I think Iím back to thinking of myself as a solo person again. All emotion from that relationship is gone now. Everything is kind of grey, for a while there after breaking up with her I had some dark/evil energy floating around, now, I donít even have that. It sucks, but life goes on I suppose.

I went looking for a car today, but nothing struck me right. No emotion. I want to fall in love with a car the same way I fell in love with the car I have now.

I remember the day I first saw it. I was driving down 75 towards Dallas, for some reason I glanced to the right and saw it at a dealership sitting there by itself, I couldnít ignore it. It talked to me, it made me feel something. I immediately exited the freeway and pulled into the dealership. I hovered around the car for quite a while, it had a hold on me. I knew I had to have it, no matter what the cost.

Usually, I am a very logical, non-emotional person, I think things through before I act. But this car made me impulsive, it awakened feelings inside me that I had hidden for a long time. I bought it on the spot.

For the first few weeks I was madly in love with it, I would go outside every day and wash the windows, or take it for an aimless drive around the city. Every time I looked in the driveway I was astonished that the car was mine, it was a dream come true. But the years passed and through all the countless miles feelings faded away.

Now we are an old couple. I use it for utilitarian purposes only. I donít give it the attention it deserves, sometimes it is dirty for weeks at a time. We still enjoy being with each other, but the fire is gone. There is still love between us, but not passionate love, it is more like the love you feel for your parents.

I want to lust after a car again, I miss that feeling.

Cool

10/20/04

Yup, I still have a job. My manager is a super easy going person. He seemed happy that I was still working for him, and didn't really seem to care about what happened. I might have screwed up, but I was able to rely on the team to back me up. I remember reading somewhere that learning is inherently an act of humiliation; that you only learn by realizing that there is something you don't know. That despite your education and confidence there are facts you can learn only by screwing up.

I love my job despite the humiliation. Its like playing a good video game on ultra hard mode, its tough as shit to make any progress, you continually improve yourself but still see countless challenges ahead; far in the distant future you see a time when you will master it so long as you remain dedicated in the present moment.

There is a pretty wide range of experience in those moments. I'm running around fixing computers, passing by people layed out on strechers, little kids with IVs in their arms or bodies covered with sheets. I'm working on a computer at a nurses station and hear a code blue, all the nurses take a collective ghasp and scramble to save a life while I try to save a computer. I get to see a lot of stuff every day.

Past

10/17/04

I just wanted to throw this out there. Its been sitting on my desktop for a while.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Something that you took to be a reliable element has disappeared. You are a bridge and one of your supports has been pulled out from under you. Now you are forced to find a way to live without it.

It feels very hard at first, but then you find it easier.

Suddenly, a memory grasps you. You search inside this memory for some kind of answer. You hope this memory contains the magical key that will release you from your problems. You are stuck. You analyze a page in a flipbook for many years only to discover the key is the action of the flipping and not within any page.

The solution to your pain does not lie in memories.

In a weak moment during the blink of an eye you go back to the warmth. It feels good, but you painfully tear yourself away from it. It is better to live in a real hell than a false heaven.

But you feel as if you could touch her again. Its painful again. You distract yourself with something else and move on with your life.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yea, I've pretty much gotten over her. But sometimes think about her. Having a job makes it so much easier to get over those feelings, but they are still floating around somewhere in my head.

I actually fear weekends more than weekdays, because on weekdays I know I have something to focus on besides her, in fact this gives me good energy at work. I dread the weekends because I know the feelings will come back. But anyways, I'm getting better all the time.

On another note, I feel prepared for Monday. Of course I'm nervous as hell, but I'm ready to tell the truth and accept my fate.

Mission Failed

10/16/04

Damn I fucked up today.

I get told to move some computers so construction can come in and fix some cabinets. No, prob. I rush out the door and the floor manager shows me to the computers.

I start taking them apart, until I get to the ones that are connected to UPS boxes. They have patient heart monitors on the display and seem pretty important, so I decide to skip over those.

I go back to the office and ask about how to shut down these special computers, my coworkers tell me that those computers are Biomedís responsibility. So I call Biomed and ask them what to do, they tell me they are just regular computers, so I can shut them down normally.

So I go back up, shut them down and start dismantling them. I took them apart pretty fast, without paying attention to what I was doing. No problem.

Construction comes in and fixes the desk. I go back in and start putting the computers back together. Turn the first computer on, bam, the first patient monitor comes back up. Ok, good, Iím doing this right.

After a few more hours I get the another one hooked up fine. I get the final one hooked up and turn it on, but the heart monitors don't come up. I start troubleshooting and trying different things. Lunchtime passes, my time to go home passes. Its very late. Then out of the blue Matt, the on-call person from my department sees me and asks if I need help. Of course I do.

He suggests we call Biomed and get them to fix it, I wasnít even supposed to touch Biomed stuff.

But, its afterhours so we have to call the on-call Biomed guy. My experienced coworker Matt takes over for me at this point, accepts responsibiilty for solving the problem and lets me go home.

The result is that part of the pediatric wardís patient monitors are down and their department will probably be forced to pay for on-call services this weekend as a result of my actions.

I did many things wrong, I need to make sure they never happen again:

1) Listen to coworkers, if they say its biomedís problem then make sure biomed does the work dammit. Donít try and be a badass, it will just get you hurt. Donít try to be so damned self sufficient. Rely on others every once in a while.

2) When things start going wrong, call for help; call for help when there is still time. I could have called biomed for help anytime when I started seeing things go bad. But, I felt like I could fix it. Donít be so optimistic, if you are unsure, ask for help.


On Monday I plan to go to my manager and inform him of the situation. I want to make sure that no one else gets in trouble for this. Matt just blamed Biomed for not stopping me from messing with their stuff, but of course it is my fault , I carelessly went into this situation in an attempt to prove myself to my coworkers. Instead of spending time thinking about things and planning I rushed in.

If my manager gets shit for this the penalty will fall on my shoulders. I'm in a pretty hopeless situation at this point. Theres nothing else I can do except hope Matt got things fixed ok.

All I can do now is try to forget about it so I can enjoy the weekend. If I still have a job on Monday I want to be well rested so I can apologize to my manager and coworkers and get some work done the right way.

Score

10/13/04

Yea, so I got a job. Its the tech/network support job for a major hospital. My first day was today.

Wow, its a nice job. I almost find myself underqualified for it. There is a definite learning curve. There are several specific areas I will have to master to master the job:

1) Relying on others for help.
A lot of the software we use is specialized medical software, I will need to ask others for help to understand it and I need to do this in a way that makes the customer happy and doesn't make me feel like a dumbass.

2) Navigating the hospital.
Jesus Christ its a huge hospital, with all these endless hallways and turns. Its a giant maze. I need to get a map or something. I even got lost in the small but confusing IT office a few times.

3) Not being afraid of strange situations.
I've been told of people needed to repair computers in the midst of surgury or childbirth. Its kinda wierd, because you have to put scrubs on just like the doctors and nurses. Not to mention that the functionality of a computer can mean life or death sometimes.

4) Getting along with coworkers
Actually, everyone there seems pretty cool. But I need to be a tad more friendly so things go smoother.

I'm sure there are more things I will need to learn to master the job. But I'm ready for it. Its a pretty demanding job, but I enjoy the challenge. There is great potential to learn a lot of things. Their system of doing things seems pretty cool and efficient, I just need to master it so I can enjoy it fully.

More Interview Action

10/8/04

Alright cool, interview #2 is over. I got a callback today. They say I'm one of 3 people out of many under consideration for that position. They will make a final decision on Monday or Tuesday.

My recruiting agent sounded pretty happy when he delivered this news. So thats cool. If nothing else I gained some points with my recruiter, so if I don't get the job I can expect more interviews.

Other than that I'm camping the phone waiting for the results from interview #1.

Interview Action

10/5/04

Yesterday, I was running around and got a $700 dollar interview suit. It looks pretty sweet. I wasn't planning on spending that much, but when they bust out the measuring tape and you see yourself in it, its like hell yea. I want to give the best impression I can.

So my first major interview is over. It was pretty sweet, it sounds like a very demanding job with heavy travel, long stays, lots of overtime, wierd hours and a great field of knowledge to absorb. It sounds very challenging, just what I'm looking for.

The interview itsself was mostly painless. But when I was talking with the project manager he asked a lot of specific questions regarding the network at TTUHSC. I could only give some partial answers, but tried to be as complete as possible. I really should have done my homework and recalled all the stuff I did back at TTUHSC when I was practicing for the interview, but I never got around to it. Hopefully, this wasn't a deal breaker. At least I showed them I have a solid general understanding of everything.

They will let me know by the end of the week if I'm hired or not. So I won't have to play the waiting game for too long.

Well, time to start gearing up for my next interview on Thursday.

Moonless

10/3/04

Finally, you grab the oars of your small boat and quietly stroke out into the middle of this desolate lake.

All around you is open silence save the wisping of a light breeze in your ears. In the distance you see a deep orange projected against the clouds with much randomness and variation. The sun is setting.

It feels so warm, as if your body has been absorbed into the clouds. All your worries and memories fade away. You vacantly gaze at the deck of your boat and find it coated in a warm reddish color, so beautiful.

For only this moment in time are things like this, soon they will change into something else. You canít imagine this something else will provide you with the warm experience you are enjoying.

With no other option you sink back into the plank that supports your body. Time will continue and things will change regardless of your thoughts. By realizing this you feel a forgotten tension escape your body. You sit back and enjoy your surroundings without interruption from your mind.

You look for your hands, but canít find them. You realize you have been in your boat in the middle of the lake for many hours, a moonless night has fallen upon you. In this state you try to find yourself or any vague resemblance thereof, but find nothing.

You are so far away from people. You are not sure if you are still human. This is what you seek. This state of nothingness. There are no feelings at all, no emotion pulling you in some direction, no memories to create emotions. Just a warm breeze and water lapping against your hull.

Apology

10/3/04

I apologize for my last entry. It was pretty harsh. These days beer brings anger and unrequited desire out of me, and it keeps getting directed at her. In the past beer allowed me to rise above all the problems in my life and relax for a few hours. Now beer just removes all the walls of protection Iíve built up to hide feelings of unrequited love, yet I continue drinking in the hope that I will attain peace again.

The worst part is that I brought this situation upon myself and there is no way to rectify it, I killed her feelings for me. When I drink this fact becomes very clear and the only way I can rationalize it is by self-destruction.

From now on, I am not going to depend on beer to help me. I realize now that beer just makes it worse. Maybe sometime in the future, after I am truly over her I will be able to drink in peace again.

FUCKING BITCH

10/3/04

Disclaimer: Iím fucked up right now, stuff wonít make sense.

It hurts to go back into those memories. Why is it so bad? Maybe it is just the beer, but life shouldnít ever feel like this.

Is it just the beer? No, you caused the end of something you loved, and now you want it back but it doesnít want you anymore. You have to accept this to continue with your life.

Its vanished, there isnít even a glimmer of hope as there has been. Can you accept this nothingness?

Is it like swallowing a flaming ball of iron? Yes, I think it is. You can only escape from yourself by going into the third person. You cannot be yourself right now because it is just too painful.

Does beer cause this, is it her fault for all of this, has she tainted even my most private retreat? My escape into drunken carelessness.

I hate her. Anger is the only answer. I canít be sappy and relive her memories with a sense of happiness. Anger is the only thing that will kill this unseen beast.

Fuck that bitch, fuck her to hell. LAUREN ROT IN HELL YOU FUCKING BITCH. FUCK YOU, SUCK MY FUCKING DICK YOU FUCKING PROSTITUTE. YOU ARE SUCH A FUCKING HOE YOU HAVE FUCKED SO MANY GUYS JUST TO FIND THE MEANING IN YOUR LIFE. BUT YOU CANT FIND IT RIGHT, ITS JUST A MEANINGLESS HELL EXISTANCE IS, ISNT IT?

SURE, FINE I TOLD YOU OFF BEFORE. ITS MY FAULT RIGHT? BUT THEN I GAVE YOU THE CHANCE TO COME BACK AND YOU DIDNíT WANT IT.

ďTHERES NOTHING MORE TO SAYĒ, THATíS WHAT YOU SAID YOU FUCKING BITCH. FUCK YOU TO THE 18th LEVEL OF HELL. ďILL CALL YOU BACKĒ, YOU FUCKING COP OUT, YOU DIDNíT HAVE THE HUMANENESS TO TELL ME WHEN YOU WERE DONE. YOU STOPPED PICKING UP MY CALLS. FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU. I WILL SEE YOU IN HELL BITCH, I WILL BURN YOUR ASS WITH THE DARKEST RED FIRE OF PAIN AND TORMENT. EVEN KNOWING YOU HAS CAUSED ME ALL OF THIS PAIN.

SO FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING SADISTIC WHORE I HOPE YOU DIE IN A PAINFUL CAR WRECK AND BURN IN HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY YOU FUCKING BITCH.

I CANT EXPRESS MY ANGER IN WORDS, I WANT TO KILL YOU. I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE, IM GOING TO KILL YOU AND SEAL YOUR MOUTH SO YOU CANT SAY ANYTHING AND PUT A BAG OVER YOUR HEAD SO YOU CANT EVEN SEE WHO IS DOING IT TO YOU.

FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING BITCH BURN IN THE 18 LEVEL OF HELL< THE HELL OF HUNGRY GHOSTS< THE HELL I AM IN RIGHT NOW BECAUSE OF YOU FUCKING BITCH.

New Month

10/2/04

Cool, so I got a call back from my friends at "major storage solutions company". They want me to come in for an interview Tuesday. I'm kinda nervous because they are a major company and they will probably interview the hell out of me. But its ok, it couldn't be much worse than my interview with Microsoft in terms of depth. I'm gonna call the HR Monday to touch base with them and see if I can milk any hints about the interview. In the end I think I have a pretty good shot at it. I already made it past the first two levels of interviews with this company, this is the final.

This job will rock if I get it. There is so much room to be promoted and I get a free 9 week training session in Mass. I can totally master all aspects of storage solutions and kick ass. The job involves a little bit of travel as well, so thats an added bonus.

On a different note, I visited my parents yesterday. Its good to talk to them sometimes. I feel like I've already lived my life and am about to die, but they remind me that I'm still young. I have a lot of time to make mistakes and learn from them. I can do anything, as long as I am prepared to accept the potential consequences.

In other news, well I dunno. Not much else going on. Interviews vs. Boring home life. At this point I have potential, if nothing else.