\par
\tab\tab\tab Yea, hook it up right. I have cable coming in next week. I will be able to join \par
\tab\tab\tab the masses in this blissful pleasure.\par
\tab\tab\tab
\par
\tab\tab\tab
\par
\tab\tab\tab Walking down the halls with no sideways glances. Eyes pure and focused on the \par
\tab\tab\tab end. Cold, harsh, mechanical. Time passes.....glances aside now and then. \par
\tab\tab\tab Nervous humanity, duality, messy. Time passes......stares at the side, not \par
\tab\tab\tab looking ahead, the next step is a mystery. No goal. Glowing spirit. Warm, \par
\tab\tab\tab fluid, dynamic. Human.\par
\tab\tab\tab
\par
\tab\tab\tab
\par
\tab\tab\tab Its all too easy to create a hell within yourself. The only hell that exists \par
\tab\tab\tab should be somewhere on the outside, never able to penetrate the absolute \par
\tab\tab\tab boundary of your soul. Hell can envelop your physical body constantly, but you \par
\tab\tab\tab can still preserve heaven inside yourself. Work on it, its not easy. There will \par
\tab\tab\tab be times where you cannot preserve heaven, but these times will only strengthen \par
\tab\tab\tab you. Step up to the challenge and live through them.\par
\tab\tab
\par
\tab\tab\tab There was that period of time a few weeks ago where I had trouble thinking of \par
\tab\tab\tab myself as just one person. I felt close to someone and it felt like I was \par
\tab\tab\tab living two lives. Now, these memories make my singleness stand out even more in \par
\tab\tab\tab my mind. A feeling of true independence. Ah, Im starting to feel very single \par
\tab\tab\tab again. Good, I can feel creativity coming back. My fuel is returning.\par
\tab\tab\tab
\par
\tab\tab\tab
\par
\tab\tab\tab I feel like less of a sane person and more of an insane one. I can't exactly \par
\tab\tab\tab say it is a good feeling, but the dormant part of me responsible for keeping me \par
\tab\tab\tab happy has kicked back in. Happiness is no longer effected by others, it is now \par
\tab\tab\tab all internal again. I can feel the artificialness of it, but its not so bad.\par
\tab\tab\tab
\par
\tab\tab\tab
\par
\tab\tab\tab At work someone called the ethics hotline in the operating room to report that \par
\tab\tab\tab the clocks on the computers were not synched with the atomic clock as they \par
\tab\tab\tab should be. The manager of the OR called me and told me this. Now I need to find \par
\tab\tab\tab an easy way to run a script to synch all those clocks remotely. God I hate \par
\tab\tab\tab going over there, you walk by a door and hear a saw and think, yup thats \par
\tab\tab\tab someone's skull getting cut open. Lovely.\par
\tab\tab\tab
\par
\tab\tab\tab
\par
\tab\tab\tab No matter what happens I can always continue to push forward with whatever \par
\tab\tab\tab tasks I deem worthy. I will not give up, even if it kills me.\par
\tab\tab\tab
\par
\tab\tab\tab
\par
\tab\tab\tab Wondering the streets, the darkest night.\par
\tab\tab\tab
\par
\tab\tab\tab Peaceful wind with no reflections.\par
\tab\tab\tab
\par
\tab\tab\tab Nothing ahead and nothing behind.\par
\tab\tab\tab
\par
\tab\tab\tab The sky lights up dull orange.\par
\tab\tab\tab
\par
\tab\tab\tab Now, what do you find?\par
\tab\tab
\par
\tab\tab\tab Life is wierd. I am kicking ass at work, just got a nice offer from the \par
\tab\tab\tab hospital, the days go by fast and I enjoy the action of it. I never thought I \par
\tab\tab\tab could find such a state of happiness in a job.\par
\tab\tab\tab
\par
\tab\tab\tab
\par
\tab\tab\tab At home. Well, its not so good. I mean, it doesn't feel bad. But it feels like \par
\tab\tab\tab Im somehow missing out on certain aspects of life. Im content, but I constantly \par
\tab\tab\tab wonder if I should be seeking something more.\par
\tab\tab
\par
\tab\tab\tab Hold on ladies and gentlemen, here is the part of the ride where things get \par
\tab\tab\tab wierd. Emotions run rampant in your mind and you don't know what to do with \par
\tab\tab\tab them.\par
\tab\tab\tab
\par
\tab\tab\tab
\par
\tab\tab\tab Yea, I think she lost interest. Thats cool though, there will be others in the \par
\tab\tab\tab future. It always seems like things start out all good and stuff, and then \par
\tab\tab\tab after a while it just turns into your standard unrequited feelings situation.\par
\tab\tab\tab
\par
\tab\tab\tab
\par
\tab\tab\tab It felt like there was a time when I was guiding my emotions, and then it \par
\tab\tab\tab reached the point where emotions were guiding me. This beast took over and \par
\tab\tab\tab yanked me around for a while, I can't step back now and stratagize, im already \par
\tab\tab\tab in the war and if I dont move constantly I will die. All I can do is escape, \par
\tab\tab\tab its a flight or fight impulse and I can't fight this beast, my feelings are \par
\tab\tab\tab hitting me too hard. Its time to run away again.\par
\tab\tab\tab
\par
\tab\tab\tab
\par
\tab\tab\tab I have some sort of mental problem that prevents me from getting into real \par
\tab\tab\tab relationships with people. I realize that each individual has their own life \par
\tab\tab\tab when they aren't with me, but when it seems like I'm just not that important to \par
\tab\tab\tab them I have no choice but to run. Its bad enough that I let my feelings get \par
\tab\tab\tab this far, any farther and I don't know what I would do. It would eventually get \par
\tab\tab\tab to the point where I have to yell and break shit in order to survive.\par
\tab\tab\tab
\par
\tab\tab\tab
\par
\tab\tab\tab I have pure demonic anger in my soul and if I open myself to any strong emotion \par
\tab\tab\tab it will leak out and do some damage. I need to close the floodgates and get \par
\tab\tab\tab this bad boy sealed up where it can't hurt anyone. Of course this means I have \par
\tab\tab\tab to seal up desire, jelousy and happiness along with it. But, is that really \par
\tab\tab\tab such a bad thing?\par
\tab\tab\tab
\par
\tab\tab\tab
\par
\tab\tab\tab Its time to go grey again, color hurts too much.\par
\tab\tab\tab
\par
\tab\tab\tab
\par
\tab\tab\tab I know I only live once, and these moments are always fleeting. I will miss out \par
\tab\tab\tab on a lot of things. But do I really have any other choice?\par
\tab\tab
\par
\tab\tab\tab Wow, my life is in a very different place now than it was before. Lets do a \par
\tab\tab\tab year 2004 highlight reel just for fun.\par
\tab\tab\tab
\par
\tab\tab\tab
\par
\tab\tab\tab 1) Plowed through last semester of college and graduated with degree in \par
\tab\tab\tab computer science. 2) Spent 2 months traveling to foreign areas and being a bum \par
\tab\tab\tab 3) Spent 1 month being a bum 4) Lost virginity 5) Got caught up in a bad \par
\tab\tab\tab relationship 6) Terminated bad relationship 7) Got a kick ass job 8) Got kick \par
\tab\tab\tab ass car 9) Met someone special 10) Found a way to be happy\par
\tab\tab\tab
\par
\tab\tab\tab
\par
\tab\tab\tab A nice year indeed...and now its time to move forward.\par
\tab\tab\tab
\par
\tab\tab\tab
\par
\tab\tab\tab I realize now that I don't just want her for sex. Theres something else there, \par
\tab\tab\tab a certain energy she gives me. Its hard to explain, but it feels good and that \par
\tab\tab\tab is all that matters. I will keep putting energy into it and see where it takes \par
\tab\tab\tab us.\par
\tab\tab\tab
\par
\tab\tab\tab
\par
\tab\tab\tab Today I felt fucking bummed out. Spent 2 hours in traffic coming home from \par
\tab\tab\tab work, looks like everyone is back from vacation. During the holidays I was \par
\tab\tab\tab actually able to get somewhere close to the speed limit on the freeways. \par
\tab\tab\tab Anyways I was feeling fucking bummed out until I ate dinner, watched TV and put \par
\tab\tab\tab some music on. I'm feeling way better now.\par
\tab\tab\tab
\par
\tab\tab\tab
\par
\tab\tab\tab I haven't been sleeping well lately, but I have a feeling that tonight will be \par
\tab\tab\tab better.\par
\tab\tab\tab
\par
\tab\tab\tab
\par
\tab\tab\tab Being happy tends to stifle my creativity. It kinda sucks because I don't seem \par
\tab\tab\tab so intresting to myself anymore. I can't produce random stories and read over \par
\tab\tab\tab them and say "holy shit thats badass". But then again, im happy.\par
\tab\tab