Wow today was like a whole month jammed into one day, lots of things went wrong
but in the end it all came out alright.
It started at about 3pm, Mike called. His brothers car got repossessed and it had our Mudvayne tickets inside! The plan was for me to drive him to some lady who had gotten them out before repo land. Unfortunatly, my license had expired yesterday so I needed to get it renewed first. Mike was gonna get his grandmother to drop him off at the DMV and I was to meet him there. Sounds simple enough, but some bad things happened along the way, heres a summary.
DMV had magically moved
Couldnt find DMV
30min away from house
Wanted to call Mike, no cell phone, doh
Searched for DMV for an hour
Gave up and went back home
Grandmothers car broke down, but they made it home somehow
5pm, Mudvayne starts at 7:30, repo lady leaves at 7
Far away repo lady
Drive 30min to get Mike at his house
Drive 1 hr thru shitty rush hour traffic into unknown territory
Meet repo lady, get tickets
7pm, too late to turn back to pick up other friends
Friends drive to meet us in Deep Ellum
7:30 we all meet up and get in line
Its very cold and rainy outside
Lines not long better put jacket in car as to not overheat inside
Run to car
Back in line
Left tickets in jacket
Run to car get tickets
Back in line
8pm, line turns out to be line to buy tickets, doh
Get in other line 2 blocks long
Freezing rain, cold, hungry
9pm we finally get in just as the warmup bands set was over
OK this is where it got cool, after all that stuff we went through we had fun! Moshed a little, but most of the time I was just standing nodding my head, it was fun. There were these hot girls around and the kept brushing up against me, got some cheap touching in, hehe. Lots of people were smoking big W in there. Id see these clouds of smoke pass infront of me and take a big inhale. Yea feeling pretty good. Heavy music, staring off, thinking, relaxing yay.
Well that was a pretty dry description of what happened. Something changed in me while I was there though. Everyone was so close together, i couldnt even move. But i didnt feel claustrophobia for some reason, I just blended in with everyone else, like a rock amongst other rocks in a stream. It felt good, It was like being released from the shell of my body for a time. Ironic how that happens with so many around you, touching you, you cant move. Hehe strikes me as odd. I think im onto something. Being alone forces you to focus on yourself, this is depressing, your desire to be independent of others and more of yourself is not optimum. Being surrounded by people takes the focus off you and onto somthing deeper. It is like being a particle of water in a bucket of water. Hehe i think im getting too general.
I spend so much time alone it is a vacation to loose myself in the company of others. Tonight I got what i needed.
Im out of school for eons
SO im gonna freewrite, hang on
This is my experience as it happens now for me, this is alll there is (im drunk now):
I sont have a girlfriend
Drunk driving is fun
Right now there a violence hard at work
(im listening to van halen "Right Now")
Right now maybe we should pay attention to the lyrics instead of the pictures
Right now the truth is being obscured
Right now the truth is somewhere
Right now you are not seeing the truth
or are you?
It means everything
Its the life of you and me
What are you waitin for
absorb the moment, yea, thats all
No one is now here where i am
that is not special
chanel 13 is doing some damn telethon so i cant watch DR. Who
oh well, thats it yea
Anyone ever watch the A-Team they are cool. A team of people to conquer the worlds problems, and they are well balanced. You have the brains, brawn, charm and comic relief symbolized by the 4 mains, guess who they are hehe. A nice package capable of overcoming any obstacle no matter what it is.
War is stupid. Maybe it is smart in the minds of the people that start it the higher ups, the ones that are invurnable to the effects of it, but not the soldiers. They are the ones that must bear the brunt, they got caught up in it, they didnt have anything else to do or they are forced to fight. To kill people, that is inherently wrong no matter the consequences.
Theres not much left in me
Nothing but pain
Hold my breath as i wish for death
O please god wake me
That is their experience.
Look to the time when i lived
Cut this life from me
gunfire all around
I dont want to die
I dont want to die
I DONT WANT TO DIE!!!!!!!!
Now the world is gone just me one
GOD HELP ME!!!!!!
I am faced between life and death, which will it be, it takes so little for one to be it.
Im scared, but i must keep fighting, i dont have a choice, my own people will kill me if i do not fight.
But im fightin my holding cell
Landmine has taken
Now i can fade away as if i never did anything, i wish i never did anything, the people i killed, my government takes as nothing, but i must face these events for the rest of my life, they are my scar and what?
I accomplished somehting, i think not, i did notheing.
All my pain was nothing
But now there is no war. THere was no war, its just me, and myself trying to sound cool and cope with reality. Does music do so much?
People that never frown break down eventually right? you cant be that happy really, just a picture or a mirror no emotion driving it.
Everything breaks down.
Sometimes you never know and it eats you up inside, just eat it, theres nothing else you can do.
Eventually you will be out of time and it will all unwind.
The pace is too fast you just wont last.
Time keeps moving and you cant do anything.
Events flashes of light, it just keeps coming.
I like to think im never wrong
And i like to think im someone
I like to think people hurt like me
I hurt myself to get back at you
My life is broken
I want to be someone
Ive lived what ive learned
I need to beat the game
I just wont last
A plane running in the sky until it runs out of fuel. Or maybe a piece of shit digging in the ground until there is no more ground, it will run out eventually.
Where did my art diary go, i miss it. It sucks
Fear is all i feel, the fear confuses me, i cannot focus, i am not me.
lack of self control is never ending
I cant seem to find myself again
my walls are closing again
i cant do anything
fear words, emotions all bad, like a slime i cannot escape
comfort i feeel in the sea has left me
i cant find myself again
theres too much pressure to take
i wish i could die, the pain stays with me and i cant leave it, i can embrace it, but it just reminds me im alive when i want to die
when will i die? i hope soon, this pressure is too strong, i wish it was gone.
Maybe i can live inside my computer, TV or my video games
in a world shut the door
a reaction to pain is fear
it causes more pain
life shows that i am to blame
why cant i leave this sight
you want to die
its driving me insane
pain and fear
a quest for release
i forgot, just follow the skies
you will die
just be mine for now and relax
let it fade away
nothing can or will stay
I cannot take this anymore
all these words
i like ignorance, not words
im close to the edge
i want to dissapear
bliss in ignorance
nothing goes away over and over again
just like before
its a cycle, make it stop, death? sleep? unconsciousness?
is this the only answer?
How does it feel?
I mean how does it feel?
i dont knwo,i forgot
Ill see you all at the crossroads
Im gonna miss everybody
But ill see you at the crossroads, it makes it better
How many days do i have lasting?
why did they kill my dog and i miss my grandpa
See ya at the crossroads
Why is there so much anger in the pit of my stomach? there is death, there shouldnt be anger.
I swept my front porch today with my back to my neighbors.
I got drunk today
Im drunk now
Someone honked at me when i was taking mike hom
At a red light to turn
I got mad
I got mad
I got mad
Its been a long night
Im drunk, my throat herts, im sobering up, i must clean up, im listing to music, i feel possibly the worst i have in a long time, the emotion of the music continues to sway me as my own emotion interjects and breaks the peaceful rythem.
FUCK, that is all i have left. I hope i die soon, but it wont be by my own hand
I will keep living until i die no matter how much pain i am in, nothing will make it better.
I think the secret is to not be here and be outside here now.
I feel happy, its wierd. I found a fufilling hobby, im trying to make a
videogame using C++ and DirectX7. Its very challenging. Ive spent all last week
trying to make some type of graphic appear on screen, i think im getting close.
The thing i like most about it is all the different levels you must understand
in order to get it to work. Its like a big tree, you start with basics like
syntax and how things basically work at the root, then you slowly make your way
up the tree, learning new things everyday. Its like a road, every day you see
new scenery around you, and you know that one day you will reach a destination.
It feels like im doing something with my life, this is what i want to do for the rest of my life.
I was reading some other diary by a person named Makoto, they speak another language. Its interesting to see simularaties in other peoples cultures, its comforting. Man im all over the place tonight.
I think i found the answer, ive been using this thing as a tool to find some sort of secret to life or something, but its better used not as a road to some place, but as an object with no purpose, like an empty water bottle. Maybe this is hard to understand, a bottle has a purpose, but when its sitting on the desk beside me it has no purpose.
I miss my art diary, i could do anything in it, it was very free from restrictions. I could burn it, write with crayons, draw, type on it, stain it, spill stuff on it, have little mental adventures with it, i need to get a new one.
Its wierd, some people have diaries that reflect stuff on the outside, they just say what they did each day or something like that. But other peoples diaries delve into their subjective views of things. After reading a lot of entries its like you know the person, but sometimes its more than that. Its like reading a really good book, you forget yourself and feel as if you are living that persons life, its quite comforting. I feel that way about many peoples diaries.
My sore throat is going away, i think thats why im in such a good mood tonight. I should start a workout program, just some pushups or situps every day. I think my muscles have atrophied from lack of use lately, winter seems to have that effect, winter is the month of laziness. Its like im hibernating in my room or something. The cold just makes me not want to do anything, even though texas winters are supposed to be mild. Its been like 30 degrees lately and very rainy. Im sure people who live in colder climates are laughing now.
Im gonna leave this window open and do some stuff.
Hrm, i thought the stuff would give me more fuel to write, but i was wrong, im gonna go do more stuff, take care :)
I feel sort of like yesterday, a combination of a comfortably full stomach,
lack of strong pessimistic feelings and a slight indifference to everything
going on around me. I think im tired, but not the bad tired where im crawling
out of my skin, the good tired that seems to take the edge off everything.
So whats on my mind? Nothing really important, just something i want to explore. Writing is a good exploratory tool. It lets you turn thoughts into a concrete base from which to create a more developed level of thought and another base and so on until I want it to stop.
Its wierd how sometimes I refer to myself as you in my diaries. Like: "sometimes you feel this way", or "concrete base until YOU want it to stop". Sometimes if im bored and reread my entries the 'I' makes it seem like someone else has written my diary, i read it as if i had not written it. The 'You' creates a disconnection different that I. Its hard to explain, its like a dream and reality. On top of that im not even sure if 'I' or 'you' is even necessary to write a diary. But when those elements are removed it looses character, like some sort of dry repair manual or something.
Wow how interesting an diary entry about.... diary entries. Would it be possible to make a diary entry about diary entries about diary entries, there must be a way, lets see. OK this is a diary entry, we got that. And it contains information about diary entries, now just need to take it a step further somehow, hrm...... AHA! i got it it think. OK here we go.....
Diary entries can be very interesting depending on who writes them. Diary entries about diary entries can be dry though.
Are you trying to accomplish something or are you bored, this is fun. (taking a step back) HEHEHE, my brain feels funny just trying to comprehend this, neato!
Woohoo i think i figured out what a thing is with no 'you' or 'I'. Its a poem!
Sort of like yesterday
Feel this way
I think im going insane or something, no thats not it. Im tapping into my artistic side again instead of the part of me that exists in a mind without boundaries. Its very satisfying, to not edit yourself.
Exploring concrete base
Disconnection between dream and reality
Try to comprehend
And of course this naturally lends its self to a very vague and abstract short story.
The thing called mind was round. Silvery steel, a ball. Placed on a table in an empty poorly lit room, mind was visible. Alone it was for many centuries, but not alone, the table was its soul mate, as was the floor, the walls, the light. Its perceptions were its intimates. This was all it knew.
Man walked into the room. Mind had a new friend. Man faded around the room leaving a trail of darkness, the light became even more poorly lit. Man was gone, its darkness dimmed as it floated to the ceiling and dissapeared. The room became poorly lit again.
Nothing more, I have reached my destination, or maybe I just saw some good scenery. Either way I feel good now.
Ah time for another entry, i think im gonna do this thing on a more regular
basis as i have more time now, for the rest of this month.
I feel really wierd, i had a few beers, but im also getting a cold, my cheekbones ache a little, i feel hot, must be a fever. Also nose feels funny when i breathe. Lightheaded too, not really a bad feeling, sort of like floating. Other than the physical things i feel sort of indifferent, not much emotion.
Just got finished leading a raid to Chardok, some bastards from "Fellowship of Vallon" took the prince that we were after. But it went supprisingly well, no one died, cept for that cleric and we got in pretty deep in about 2 hours counting preparation time. Guess we will try again next Thursday to get this bastard and maybe along the way I can get my epic piece if im lucky.
Leading people is wierd. I am not a natural leader, but tonight everyone just sort of messed around. No one was taking control. So I took control. I got everyone together and we did this thing. I find it hard to take control sometimes, I need someone to give me a little push into leadership position and then i take it from there. I think of myself as a good leader, leading is easy. You just have to know where you and your subordinates are, your goals, and how to defeat everything between them and the goals. Its fundamentally one of the simplest things.
When i got off though, i had a wierd feeling. Felt sort of like in a daze. Its wierd to take off the leadership hat and put on the just another guy hat. Its like becoming a different person. I suppose we define ourselves by our actions to a certain extent or at least i do hehe. You might think any kind of thought throughout the day, but when faced with a situation requiring certain skills your role changes, you turn into another person until you have no purpose again and then back to 'normal' mode.
Hehehe this is less of a diary and more of a place for me to ramble on about things. I wish i had some more wordly things to type about, but dont have any outside normal activities everyday. Im sure that will change next month tho, my schedule for next semmester is tricky.
They didnt offer this class i need to get through during the day so i gotta stay until 5pm and get out at 7pm. I really like having the evenings to myself but i guess that will change. Its fun to do stuff at dusk tho, everything is red, its like being on another planet. I like dusk, probably my favorite time out of the day, it has character, morning and night are very static, dusk is a transition time, its always changing visibly until its gone. I love the shadows dusk produces, everything becomes so slanted.
Not like night
Not like day
Refreshing chill wind in Winter
Warm coolness in Summer
The lights begin to come on
The sky begins to turn
People coming home from a long day of work
The streets empty
Breeze cleanses the air
Climb into warm bed and sleep
I dont feel like i did for the past few days. I dont feel light headed or fast
mind. I feel solid again. The pain is gone. Last night was the breaking point.
I tried to sleep at about 2am, but i tossed and turned a lot, i couldnt dig into sleep, thoughts wouldnt stop crossing my mind. So i woke up and watched TV till about 3am. Then I went back into bed and layed there with my eyes closed, it wasnt really sleep, just some sort of daze. My jaw began to ache so bad, I was also hot and cold, i was sweating, but i was cold, so i got more blankets, sweating more a little warmer. Then i got thirsty so i threw off the blankets and got something to drink. I glanced at the clock, i think it said 5 something. Before sleeping again I took a shower. Went back into bed, still head/jaw ache, but didnt have the hot/cold problem anymore. I got to the point just before sleep, and then Spike began to make those choking sounds he makes, he kept making them for what seemed like eternity, i was able to almost sleep, but just couldnt make it. I was thirsty again, it was 8am, i got a drink and collapsed back into bed. I closed my eyes and slept, but i had these really fucked up dreams.
I was in Japan somewhere, i remember, there were tall buildings all around me and asian people around me as well. I kept trying to get into a certain building but just couldnt. I would pass the threshold of the door and would enter into some sort of caustrophobic tetris game, where i was a piece, but the pieces just wouldnt fit. It was like i was drowning in a bunch of mushy hard pastel colored blocks. I would awake for a split second to the sound of Spike making those damned noises again and would then go beck to the point of crossing the threshold and again the fucked up claustrophobic tetris. The cycle seemed to repeat itsself endlessly until Spike started barking and whining, i had awoken, it was about 2pm.
The sickness had left me, i actually felt quite good after being through the hell of night. A small pain in my jaw, but nothing compared to the way it was back then. I got off my ass and finally renewed my DL, it felt good. Then i was just in a daze for the rest of the day, i guess i didnt get enough sleep or something.
Jason, Thad, Mike, Darren and Shayna came over around 9 or so. It was wierd, i only said a handful of words the entire time they were here, i just chilled in my corner and responded when addressed. I just felt at peace in my corner, i didnt have the energy to move, it was like i had detached from the part of me that would mingle with them, i had a 40 like usual, but it just made me feel more detached. It was like i was in my head, i had a lot of internal dialogue, as if me and myself were the only ones there, it was peaceful. They all left about 50min ago. After they left i remained in my corner for a good while, staring at the TV. At one point i got distracted from myself and had internal dialogue about things on TV, this distraction moved me from my corner and got me enough energy to clean up the beer and write this.
I think i am depressed. Depressed in the sense that my body and mind are depressed from their normal behaviors. Depressed seems like a good word to describe it nothing else seems to fit. Maybe this is just my body recovering, im not sure. Hope tomorrow I will feel better. I dont feel like sleeping yet, i just want this feeling to continue for ever. Its like tired energy, its like being undead. Let me explain. Life is normal existance (you have a certain amount of energy to spend, you can feel it as it decreases throughout the day, events effect you, you have emotions, you communicate with people, etc..). Death is the total opposite of this, there is just nothing where their was something. Undead is the absense of these things, your energy is zero, but this is not bad, it means nothing lowers your energy, mood, or emotion, it is a constant. Nothing effects you and you tend to not effect anything.
I have a lot of things to say tonite it seems. I feel like i am on speed, i remember when Trey gave me some back at Tech, it was just like this, like sinking in deeper than ever without a path to follow back to the normal level. This isnt exactly enjoyable, but it is not unenjoyable either. Something keeps me here im not sure what. Im not after any goal, i think it just feels good to hit the keys and listen to the music. Maybe that is all, very simple.
I i want the fabric of all i know to dissipate. I want to be a different person or maybe a nonperson. Today has been really wierd. I really do feel like a different person for some reason. Perhaps high fever last night has killed enough brain cells to cause the change, or maybe the heat has caused them to mate and create more. There is no way to measure it.
I am searching for that part of me that has a spark, the part that fuels me to write a poem or short story, but i do not feel that urge. My poems and short stories are always about something other than me and right now i only want to focus on me.
I feel like a warrior who has been fighting for eternity and wants nothing else but to keep fighting.
Well tonight is quite nice. Not too cold outside, half moon about. Ive had some good beer. Hang out with friends. Feel good now. Ahhhhhh. Time to relax.
I like life. The natural flow of it that is. It just flows without me doing
anything. But when I interject the flow is broken. But its ok.
Stuff is happening right now, at any moment i could break this up. I could spend 5 minuites in life or i can make 5 seem like 30 by doing a lot of heavy thinking. Very simple.
There are boggy thoughts though, they can be hard to block or run over, I get stuck on them, like a sticky speed bump. Also my physical condition can create "mind bumps". In the best conditions, however, life comes easy, i feel like this now.
- Full stomach
- Full mind
- Good soft music
- Few days harnessing non-mastebatory energy
- No stress/ external pressure
Thinking about thinking can be boggy too, but not this kind. Just allow myself to flow out at its ok. If i begin to edit my outpourings or think too deeply about anything flow breaks too.
I am lucky, stress is a big killer of flow. No stress now, nothing to stress about.
I was trimming veggatables just a few days (years) ago. Celery. The 50F room and the 20F room, cold and colder. Mundane weekday, stock and stack. Make it look neat. Bannana boxes. Cart full of apple boxes, so many apples, sort them out, fill the empty bins. 20F room full of so many boxes, identify, move, take, replace, stack. Saturday, rebirth. New boxes, restock, fill empty space, rush, rush, rush, not enough time. They die, clean it out, replace with new. Wash mirrors. Mop floor. Rest now. Break. Smoke. Bad food. Cold again. Warm, cold, warm, cold. Endless. All stocked. Mop again and wash into drain, small parts in trash. Lights out. Knife safe in smok, smok off. Walk. Bright white. People. Wave. Walk. Alone, cold, wind. Dark. Small light, white. Car. Sigh. On . Loud. Quiet.Fly. Empty streets. Dull orange, soft, dark. Black. Dark. Bright again. Silent. Dew drops. Nothing.
Well today I hit a new high in my programming. After about 2 weeks I was able
to make a graphic appear in a window on the desktop via my videocard thanks to
DirectX. Tomorrow, ill start on trying to make a graphic move around in a
I came to the realization today that I will have to drive Mike home from work just about every day until he gets a car. Man it can be a pain sometimes, about an hour drive round trip, seems to cut into my slothing around the house. But sometimes it can be fun, after rush hour, in the night, empty roads i can just cruise down. Its really just a matter of switching gears from lazy house mode to doin something outside mode.
I got a bamboo plant today, it sits on my window sill. When i get tired i just look at it and admire its beauty, its a good simple way to relax. Or cheer myself up hehe, its a happy plant, the vase has a fisherman on it who has just caught a fish, happy.
Today been sorta wierd. I was bored through all the early hours till dark. Now
i have energy. Random stuff:
Im starting to realize how much of a mask the internet can be, im getting more "liberal" with my personalities.
Learned some stuff about women. They are wierd. They want a guy because he is popular, has relations with other women, gets a lot of sex, has a lot of confidence, has a great job, is supportative, is an asshole, etc.... Men just want someone that is nice and hot. Women are like groups of animals, they move as a pack, they all go after the one super guy and the definition of super guy is defined by what their packmates think.
Women are also insane, all of them, maybe in different ways but insane none the less, too much reliance and acting upon emotion. Well thats my perception of women anyways, please correct me if im wrong :).
The cool thing ive learned about dating, from exp in the past, no time rescent hehe, is that women are simple. Ask them to go somewhere with you, if they say no suggest another place/time, if they say no again they dont like you, no matter what kind of nice crap they try to cover it with, excuses and such. Simple.
The day hours are getting wierd, im having trouble finding ways to occupy myself, gettin bored with same routine and such. I need to break my shell and go out and do stuff non-routine. I might even be totally against doing it but i need to do it just to have change.
Blah blah, need sugar now, gonna get some icecream with cookies in it, omg sooo good, im stoked.
Im tired now, but there is some stuff I wanted to get out/organize.
This new years will be very important, its the last time us as a group get to hang out with Ervin. Hes goin to, jesus i cant rember the college, the one in Denton. It has some U's and D's in it. Hes goin up there and might be roomies with my brother. We wont be seeing them in a while so were gonna have a huge new year party for him before he goes. There are two routes we will take:
1) Huge kegger at my place, invite tons of people, etc etc. just like before.
2) Quiet drinking around campfire at the land. Just us, the close circle of friends.
Right now im not sure which one it will be. This is largly dependent on where my parents are at this time. Want to try to aviod them as much as possible, at least they can only be one place at a time.
Somethings wrong with me. Darrens girlfriend. I was just sitting here a few minuites ago listening to some music. Then i thought about her and got a warm feeling. I think i might love her, but then again i really dont know her. I guess shes just a warm person, she reaches out to talk to me sometimes, pulls me out of my little world. Nothing will ever happen between us though, cause of complications with Darren etc, not to mention i dont want a girl, too much maintenence. So ill just hold the warm feeling in my heart and that will be enough. Shit its more than i usually have, better than emptyness.
The pure monk was walking down the main street of the small city as usual. Not looking for anything, just walking. Breathing the fresh warm summer air, watching birds, feeling the loose gravel below his feet. The monk was at peace as he smiled faintly to a passing couple. Then something caught him, a smell drifted into his nose. Like some beautiful flower in bloom. The monk instinctivly traced the scent to a beautiful woman. His mind became not at peace, something filled the empty desert. A spark, emotion, something he had not felt for a long long time since his training had been completed. Alas, the monk sighed, the woman had an escourt already. Another deep breath, the monk faced the gravely road and continued his walk.
Yay, im safely back in my little bubble again. Spending extended amounts of
time with people really drains me. Time to recharge the "people battery".
When people are around its hard to climb inside my head, where its safe. At any moment I might have to respond to a question or recieve some important bit of information, the little guy trying to climb in falls off when this happens and he has to start his tricky journey again.
I enjoyed seeing my Aunts and Uncles though, dont get to see them much. My bro and uncle played a rough game of tenis and i just sat there. The setting sun was on my face, it felt good. When my bro would hit the ball the light hit it just right so a little shower of dust puffed up upon contact with the racket, beautiful.
Also, on the drive home i got to see more of the sunset, it was super sweet behind the sea of unfamiliar lights and roads. Then the roads became familiar and the sunset only became greater. It was a real dull orange, but bright light. My little dusk fettish realized i suppose hehehe.
Theres more stuff upstairs i could put here, but ive learned putting it here tends to dull the memory. Throughout the day I have many thoughts, some of them i think would be good to write here and keep forever. But this makes them fake, this diary i about how i feel now, not how i felt a few hours ago or how i think i will feel tomorrow. If i force myself to regurgitate things i dont feel now, or hold the essense of now it feels fake. I should only write about memories and feelings i am inside.
I dont know where to go now. I feel good, belly full of crackers, cheese, ham, turkey, rolls and ice cream. I havent eaten good in weeks. Time to go back to recharging, merry christmas (enjoy your time).
Tonight was a journey beyond the normal me.
Im so drunk i can barely type, constantly deleting and editing to make it look pretty. To make all the words flow like a river, not like a bunch of rocks in the dry hot desert.
I have learned the strength of saying sorry, it is more powerful than anything.
Should i talk about the events of tonight, should i continue to spout nonsense like my mind is flowing.
It is in that direction. This is MY diary, this is my room for my mind to ejaculate.
I should just let it go, with no editing. But there is an audience. FUCK THE AUDIENCE. i can be myself here, this is my final destiny.
I am talking to some chick on AOL, i like to pretend she is someone i know and love, but i dont know her.
Going back in emotions, today i was reunited with my friends, i actually spent time with them, i feel like i know them more than ever.
Women are like cats, you try to pet them and they just run off scared. HHEHEHEHE
I apologize for everything, all the emotional turmoil you must endure due to me. THis is my feeling when i read my diary after a night of being wasted.
I think i will drink more, and stay this way for quite a while , its ok
Im fucked up in the house. Sorry, thats not quite right for me.
I think this is all a way to avoid the dentist on friday. I hate dentists. Do we really need our teeth looked after like small children? i think not.
Cavities, what re those, just holes in our teeth, who cares, it doesnt really matter, we die anyway.
sorry i am not in proper condition to write an entry, next time it will be for real, caused by pure inspiration, not this fake stuff, too much beer, or maybe not enough? im not sure
Ive been having a problem lately and i just realized what causes it. Lack of a
job. Ive had these last few weeks and a few more weeks still to think. Thats
all i can do, think. I cant find any meaningful action to do.
Thought and action are two sides of a scale, they must be balanced to have a happy life.
All thought, no action, my life seems not to matter. Im just a thought, nothing is effected by me. Thinking is a trap. One thought leads to another and so on, it is very hard to stop the vicious cycle without beer or some meaningful activity. It just repeats day after day until school starts again.
In this break period i have transformed to a meaningless worm. Everything seems to not matter no matter how much i want it to. I wish i was back in school, so covered with work no time to think about anything other than the task at hand. I could just melt into it and forget about myself, it absorbed me. Now its so hard to not focus on myself for any amount of time. Maybe forget about myself for a few minuites with a video game, AOL, TV or beer but its not enough.
Complaining wont even help me. This is just a path i must walk for a few more weeks, at least there is a definite and almost totally unavoidable end to this torment. I must stay optimistic.
It was winter. The monk smiled. All around him were the food and firewood he had collected. He had everything he needed for a long solitary stay in his remote abode. The monk layed his head and back on the wooden floor, he felt so warm and secure. There were no bandits to worry about. No concerns. He was at peace.
Weeks passed. The snow began to pile up outside his house. The monk had enough supplies, but something was missing. He missed the road he walked to the village so many times. He missed the shopkeepers, the beautiful cherry trees in blossom, the warm breeze on his face. He even missed passing by strangers. These things he missed clouded his mind, he had lost his objective view of everything. Thoughts clung to his mind like wet mud on dry boots. He could not pass them, they remained, stagnent, a diseased pond that stained his mind. The monk frowned.
The monk wished for warm summer days where he could stare out his window to the crisp blue moon. The days where he could watch the candle light dance on the walls and listen to the chirping of the chicadas. Days where his thoughts were clear and flowed like a tranquil river.
Lost inside these memories the monks eyes glazed over. He felt the warmth again and all the emotions that came with it. So many good adventures he had on those roads. Beautiful women passed him, flowers. Obstacles he overcame. Things he completed. Everything. A dream now.
His mind snapped, no more fantasies. He was back in his room home again. He blinked, his eyes returned. The small warm fire crackled in front of him. He reached for a cup of warm sake on the floor and sipped it. How would he endure this.
I am in a book writing mood, sorry, i got good inspiration, so if ya dont feel
like reading a book dont :)
I dont understand fighting among friends. Accept the fact that everyone you know talks shit behind your back. If you hang out and have fun thats all that matters, nothing can tarnish that.
CH.1 Why does fighting between friends happen?
I think the problem starts at the individual level. It is your own insecurities about yourself that you see when people talk shit. Ultimatly you are the one that decides to take action based on those insecurities. Which in turn causes insecurites to arise in the person that origonally talked shit, conflict ensues.
In the consciousess of a fighter this is how the begining would be. They would be doing their own thing, living their personality the only way they know how. Suddenly, out of nowhere, totally unexpected someone would say something that would cause them to feel as if they are not in control. They would feel the urge to reaffirm their personality, they feel frail....they get angry. From here on out this person feels justified in responding with the most absolute force they know.
The person who origonaly came up with the offense may have only been saying the truth, expressing their emotions, or they may have gone into it with the intention of starting a fight. At this point the conversation degrades to conflict.
There are many levels of this conflict.
CH.2 What exactly is a conflice and how does it end?
Primarily, the physical level. This is the best level for conflict to occur on to a certain extent. In its best form the two parties face off in some open area. They talk shit while maintaining a fighting stance. At some point someones own insecurities cause a blind rage a blow is delt, and a fight ensues. There are lots of different kinds of fights.
Two experienced fighters will continue to unleash/dodge/reposite blows until the point of exaustion. One person hits the ground, the other accepts this as victory and conflict is over. A fighter with a good heart will help the other party up, pat on back. Both insecure minds are healed and they remain friends until another conflict arises. This is the best way to end an argument. Everyone goes away happy, or at least too tired to fight anymore and room for friendship remains. A fighter with a bad heart will get on top of the fallen foe and beat the shit out of him until he no longer moves and will probably run off. This pretty much ends all possibilities of future friendship. The winner takes the role of a badass and the loser takes the role of well... a loser.
If two fighters meet and one has no skill the non-skilled opponent will usually take a couple of bad hits and hit the ground like a sack of potatoes. Again the good heart/bad heart thing comes into play.
For two non-skilled fighters or two seasoned veterans a strange thing will happen. Perhaps a few blows will be exchanged but soon it will digress to a "hugging" match. The two beginners just know they dont want to be hit, to do this they must get literally on top of each other, they will most likly roll around until they tire out, no serious injuries. They can usually move past the reason for conflict at this point. The masters will get into a grappling match because they realize a straight out fight would put them at a disadvantage as they are evenly skilled. Eventually one will get a good hold on the other and the other will give up or pass out. Usual good/bad rules apply.
The worst kinds of physical fights involve people other than the warring parties and various weapons. The dynamic of the fight changes tremndously when even a single other person enters into it, they have their own motivations for fighting. They might be blowing off steam, just like fighting etc, this "new factor" can take a fight further than any of the origonal parties intended and can fuck up potential for a "smooth conclusion". Other people and weapons can mess up a nice fight.This is no way to settle a conflict with a friend.
The other genere of conflict occurs on the mental level. Things are said, and continue to be said until a resolution is reached whereby both parties surrender or both consider themselves the victor. I dont know anything about this kind of conflict, its very nature confuses me. Why would one take up mental conflict with a "friend". Boredom perhaps? or a hope that the conflict will result in a more solid friendship? or maybe just a way of ending a friendship that is unwanted? A way to vent a hard day?Im not sure.
Fighting on the physical level is a healthy way to end conflict so long as both parties intend to remain friends from the begining. Mental conflict is a more rocky ground as and end to it can be hard to find.
CH. 3 Disarming conflict
Avoiding conflict is not difficult. It is merely a matter of finding the disarming mechanism in your body and using it. Due to the habitual way of thinking many of us are taught we cannot do this as we feel cheated if we dont. We feel like we have lost a part of ourselfs, we feel like shit and know that if we pursued the conflict we would feel better.
This is the first barrier you must cross if you wish to avoid conflict. Ironically it is yourself. You must unlearn your entire thinking process and build from the top. It is hard to explain, i will use my personal experience to illustrate:
EDIT: im sorry, i didnt intend to dive into my own life this much, but this subchapter has grown beyond the scope of what is happening above. I think it shows my motivation for even having this diary in the first place, i think i figured myself out. Just keep this in mind as you read.
3.1 My Experience
I began life as a very angry person. I was in fights with my brother for as much of my childhood as i can remember. One of the worst fights we had he had started a fire in the trashcan, from boredom i guess. After putting it out with a pan of water, i was pissed, i tripped him as he was running and his head slammed into the brick fireplace, he had to get 9 stiches and still had a scar to this day. It really wasnt a controllable thing at such a young age, my mind would just fire up, id lose control and we would fight. I never gave thought to control it i simply accepted it as the way life worked. Then I remember entering middle school, I was a real small guy, about 80 pounds, huge glasses. I got picked on a lot. I had only a small handful of friends and sometimes even they would turn on me. I would just be walking down the hall, people would talk shit, then when i didnt respond or even when i yelled back at them they would run up and punch me, or slam my head into a locker. I can remember countless encounters, getting tripped, skinned knees, taking a bad hit to the face with a guy wearing a ring, blood. A small scar. It was practically endless the pain i endured. I feared every day of it.
I remember one day it came to an end. Some punk, Jayson Boyd, i think was his name, he was the main person leading these small fights against me. He wrote me a note, he invited me to a fight outside after class. I really think he was trying to scare me or something but i showed up anyways. It was raining. He ran up to me, and started throwing blows, i kept getting hit, hard hits to the face, i think he had taken fighting lessons or something. I kept falling down, it hurt, but i kept standing back up. Again and again, my face was bruised and bloody. He ran off. I began to walk home, I cried. I had been defeated, not only had i gotten my ass seriously kicked, everyone hated me, i had nothing in life. I contemplated suicide, but i was too lazy to do it. I reasoned with myself: "Well i cant die so i might as well live". It was so simple. My plan, to live until i die. I prepared myself to live a life of pain.
This life passed quickly. I just stopped caring. I would go to school, just do enough to not get kicked out and return home to play video games all day, maybe i would have a few interactions with "friends" but they were meaningless to me. People would still mess with me, tripping, head in locker, pushing. But i didnt care anymore. I went limp like a doll when this happened and just let the violence happen to me, there was nothing i could do, i was often grossly outnumbered anyway, i reasoned. Then something changed. I learned to adopt a tense posture and stone face at all times. Violence could come from any direction at any time, i had to be ready. This worked to an extent people would fuck with me less. They would see they unwaivering face no matter what they did to me and it would frighten them off. It was like this until i graduated.
Then I was in High School. No one fought with me anymore. I figured the fighters must have gotten tired of an unresponsive target. I slowly began to pull myself together. I began to find people to hold close to me, and I began to consider them friends. My entire thinking process changed, i began to talk a little, i began to live in a different reality. Of course i contemplated suicide from time to time, and had some fucking hard times, but i was able to move through it. However, there was still a part of me lurking in the background anticipating a fight, even wanting it sometimes, it was all i knew. Pain and conflict seemed like a way of life, i became very uncomfortable in a place where i could exist without constent torment.
Finally, i graduated. I was lucky, i had somehow managed to get into a nice college and more it was in Lubbock. Six hours away. I had so much confidence during this period. I spent entire months without saying a word, no one knew me. I lived like a lonely life, out of my dank hole in the dorms to classes and the dining hall 5 days a week, saturday i would go to walmart to get food and supplies. After a while i began to meet people, i would be eating by myself and someone would ask if the seat was taken i would say no, we would sit and talk. After a while we would meet in the dining halls at a certain time and just hang out. Maybe go to a party every few weekends. I met many more friends and had sooo many good times. But something was missing.
I missed the friends I left in Allen. I couldnt find anyone to replace them. I found a bunch of calm well behaved people in college but my friends were crazy, they had very strong emotions and werent afraid to express them they were more real to me. I would go home every month or so and i would get so happy. Inevitibly, i returned home after a year of college. I had found that my brother had retained my friends, even many of the distant ones. My brother was the one that paved the way for me to have friends, i just mooched off him in a way. We would hang out every now and then, it was fun.
Then my brother ran off to college. I was faced with a new life, i would have to retain friends myself. God, i dont know how it happened, im just lucky. They come over every weekend and i get to see them. I am terrified with the prospect of having to ask them to come over for some reason. Im just happy it works the way it does.
Now im in a bad place. My friends are fighting amongst themselves about who said what and their girlfriends, it is very confusing to me. I dont want what i have now to end and am writing this in some sad attempt to help the situation.
I wish i could go back to telling you about how to end conflict and how to bring us together again ending my pain, but i cant.
I wish i could write a story about a monk to make me feel better, but i cant.
I wish i could die, but i cant.
I wish i could meditate right now and make this fade away, but i cant.
I wish i could go insane now so i wouldnt have to feel the gravity of the situation, but i cant.
Over the course of typing this I have opened a door i never wanted to open. I have come to terms with the fact that i like people. But i dont want to like people. It causes so much pain.
The very nature of my being is in constant conflict.
"I want to go outside today?"
"no, you will encounter people and it will just cause pain"
"how about that girl, i really want to get to know her?"
"NO, she will cause you more pain than all those other people will"
"but i really need to get out, there are things i need to do"
"NO, these things will only hurt you, you will come back home eventually and get sadder than you are now"
"I should do what i want, i need to live!"
"In the end these happy things will be gone and you will be sad again"
"I want to cry"
"you cant cry, it shows weakness, even if you are only showing it to yourself"
"im not really doing anything i want, im just letting life go around me"
"good, if you go after the things you want you will cause conflict, this will just make it worse"
"I hate myself"
"your right, but this hatred is the only thing keeping you from killing yourself, death would feel too good, you cant give yourself that satisfaction until you have endured a lifetime of pain."
"I thrive in pain"
"What should i do"
"write this diary to bring more pain to yourself, forget about this tomorrow, just forget it. go back to normal Ben. Let life go around you and dont let that bother you (even though it really does). Maybe, if your lucky you can get so drunk you wont think about this and just do what you want, that is the only option you have"
I want classes to start so i can get back to work and forget about all of this crap. I want my life to not be so complicated. Im not the superman I make myself out to be. Im a small boy who likes to ignore his emotions. Im a small boy who can do this very well until conflict happens and i am thrown off my high onto a cold REAL floor.
Hehe well today has changed a lot. I planned it to be simple:
1) I go buy anime and beer
2) I drink beer and watch anime till asleep
It has transformed. Thad and Mike came over, i dont really feel like turning them away they are my friends after all. They brought their girlfriends. They brought wine. And unfortunatly they also brought their hatered for one of my other friends that could possibly show up too.
It is hatred driven by fear. My other friend has information that could jepordize their relationship with their girlfriends that they say they "love". For some reason they think he will spout it off and mess up their stuff.
So now i have to make a decision. Should i not let the other friend in if he comes? If i do there will almost certaintly be conflict, but in doing this i will be detaching him as a friend as if to say, "i dont want to be your friend anymore". I think this is the best option, however, when the alternative is considered.
Hopefully when i am loaded in about an hour or two this will not seem like such a big deal. I just wish we could all smoke the peace pipe and hang out again like we used to, but its too late i think. Well, maybe it will all look better tomorrow through blurry eyes and an aching head.