Insanity Clear Zen 

About (updated 10/23/04)

What the hell is Zen? (I dont even know anymore!)

Adventures in Programming! (in stasis)

The War (a short story)

Rehash (unfinished)

Comments

Archive
A few jumbled months 2004
September 2004
August 2004
July 2004
June 2004
May pt.II 2004
May pt.I 2004
April 2004
March 2004
Febuary 2004
January 2004
December 2003
November 2003
October 2003
September 2003
August 2003
July 2003
June 2003
May 2003
April 2003
March 2003
Febuary 2003
January 2003
December 2002
November 2002
August 2002
July 2002
January 2002
December 2001
November 2001
October 2001
September 2001
August 2001
July 2001
June 2001
May 2001
March 2001
Febuary 2001
January 2001
December 2000
August 2000
July 2000

Cool Links

Bro's page

Bjoy's page

Kitta.net

MegaTokyo

Nuclear power

SMGfan (obsession page)
Rob Pongi Happy Hour

My December

1/23/05

There was that period of time a few weeks ago where I had trouble thinking of myself as just one person. I felt close to someone and it felt like I was living two lives. Now, these memories make my singleness stand out even more in my mind. A feeling of true independence. Ah, Im starting to feel very single again. Good, I can feel creativity coming back. My fuel is returning.

I feel like less of a sane person and more of an insane one. I can't exactly say it is a good feeling, but the dormant part of me responsible for keeping me happy has kicked back in. Happiness is no longer effected by others, it is now all internal again. I can feel the artificialness of it, but its not so bad.

At work someone called the ethics hotline in the operating room to report that the clocks on the computers were not synched with the atomic clock as they should be. The manager of the OR called me and told me this. Now I need to find an easy way to run a script to synch all those clocks remotely. God I hate going over there, you walk by a door and hear a saw and think, yup thats someone's skull getting cut open. Lovely.

No matter what happens I can always continue to push forward with whatever tasks I deem worthy. I will not give up, even if it kills me.

Wondering the streets, the darkest night.
Peaceful wind with no reflections.
Nothing ahead and nothing behind.
The sky lights up dull orange.
Now, what do you find?

more

1/15/05

Life is wierd. I am kicking ass at work, just got a nice offer from the hospital, the days go by fast and I enjoy the action of it. I never thought I could find such a state of happiness in a job.

At home. Well, its not so good. I mean, it doesn't feel bad. But it feels like Im somehow missing out on certain aspects of life. Im content, but I constantly wonder if I should be seeking something more.

Yea

1/9/05

Hold on ladies and gentlemen, here is the part of the ride where things get wierd. Emotions run rampant in your mind and you don't know what to do with them.

Yea, I think she lost interest. Thats cool though, there will be others in the future. It always seems like things start out all good and stuff, and then after a while it just turns into your standard unrequited feelings situation.

It felt like there was a time when I was guiding my emotions, and then it reached the point where emotions were guiding me. This beast took over and yanked me around for a while, I can't step back now and stratagize, im already in the war and if I dont move constantly I will die. All I can do is escape, its a flight or fight impulse and I can't fight this beast, my feelings are hitting me too hard. Its time to run away again.

I have some sort of mental problem that prevents me from getting into real relationships with people. I realize that each individual has their own life when they aren't with me, but when it seems like I'm just not that important to them I have no choice but to run. Its bad enough that I let my feelings get this far, any farther and I don't know what I would do. It would eventually get to the point where I have to yell and break shit in order to survive.

I have pure demonic anger in my soul and if I open myself to any strong emotion it will leak out and do some damage. I need to close the floodgates and get this bad boy sealed up where it can't hurt anyone. Of course this means I have to seal up desire, jelousy and happiness along with it. But, is that really such a bad thing?

Its time to go grey again, color hurts too much.

I know I only live once, and these moments are always fleeting. I will miss out on a lot of things. But do I really have any other choice?

Happy Stop

1/3/05

Wow, my life is in a very different place now than it was before. Lets do a year 2004 highlight reel just for fun.

1) Plowed through last semester of college and graduated with degree in computer science. 2) Spent 2 months traveling to foreign areas and being a bum 3) Spent 1 month being a bum 4) Lost virginity 5) Got caught up in a bad relationship 6) Terminated bad relationship 7) Got a kick ass job 8) Got kick ass car 9) Met someone special 10) Found a way to be happy

A nice year indeed...and now its time to move forward.

I realize now that I don't just want her for sex. Theres something else there, a certain energy she gives me. Its hard to explain, but it feels good and that is all that matters. I will keep putting energy into it and see where it takes us.

Today I felt fucking bummed out. Spent 2 hours in traffic coming home from work, looks like everyone is back from vacation. During the holidays I was actually able to get somewhere close to the speed limit on the freeways. Anyways I was feeling fucking bummed out until I ate dinner, watched TV and put some music on. I'm feeling way better now.

I haven't been sleeping well lately, but I have a feeling that tonight will be better.

Being happy tends to stifle my creativity. It kinda sucks because I don't seem so intrestin