Sweet, I just got back from my Hardware A+ test. I passed. Fuck yea, im half
way to my A+ certification now, that should open up some more job
I figured I would pass, but there were some questions I didn't know. Like stuff about I/O addresses and stuff. I would never memorize that crap, if I ever really need it I can just look it up real fast. Oh well, it was a good confidence booster anyways, good stuff.
The building I took the test in was in highrise on Coit near 635. A very beautiful building, it had roughly 20 floors and there were only 3 floors that were taken up by businesses. For such a large building it was literally empty. Instead of security or a receptionist for the building they just had a little sign on a desk welcoming you to the building. It was fucking cool inside, tall ceilings, marble floors, redwood, soft yellow lighting, plenty of sunlight through skylights. I wish I brought my digital camera, there was a lot of good material there.
Im gonna go back to the job hunt now. Maybe Ill get lucky today.
I called her. Explained why I acted the way I did and told her I still have
feelings for her.
She seemed distant, which is understandable of course. I don't really expect her to jump back into my arms, but left the doorway open. Still, unfortunately, there is an incompatibility between us. She has to work all the time and wants time for her friends and herself. Which is of course understandable. I told her seeing her once a week is enough, but I dont know if this works for her. I told her to feel free to call me if she ever feels like it.
I shouldn't have let the relationship get so far knowing that she wouldn't be around. This incompatibily sucks real hard, everything else was so good. But now Im not going to look into it too much further. She will come to me if she wants and go away if she doesn't.
The pain doesn't seem so bad now. I think I will be ok. For future relationships I need to remember to not be so harsh with people, harshness just comes back and hurts me. It is possible for things to end peacefully.
I am going to meditate heavily tonight, hopefully I can capture the void again, the damage will heal at some point in time.
Fuck logic. Im going to trust my emotions for once.
Im going to call her tonight. I dont care if she doesn't want to be with me after what I said, its understandable. But I should at least explain more about why I made that decision and see how she feels about it. I can't believe I acted so childish, its stupid.
Of course I don't want to get hurt by someone again, but for christs sake dont fucking hurt yourself in an attempt to avoid the pain, it actually hurts worse when you hurt yourself.
In fact, when I called her, I wanted to give her a chance. But it seemed easier for me to just run away, so I did. The fact that I had 2 beers in me probably messed my shit up as well, Im not drinking again for a long time.
Life is fleeting. There is no time for this bullshit. Trust your emotions and go with them.
Shit, it fucking hurts now. More than it did when I was her. I keep trying to
convince myself that in the long run I saved myself some pain. But, Im not so
sure. I think the hope actually made me feel good, instead of bad.
Did I make a rash decision based on her actions over a 1 week period? or was this a good decision as the actions would have continued? When I look at the things she said, it looks like I made a stupid, stupid decision. It looks and feels like I threw away the best thing in my life.
Our last conversation:
Me: *sigh* Oh, um, hi (not expecting her to pick up).
Her: Whats wrong?
Me: I don't think this is going to work.
Her: Yea, I know, I was just so busy this week, sorry.
Me: No, I don't think we are going to work.
Me: The last time I was in a relationship like this, it took me 4 years of suffering to get over.
Her: Wow, that sucks.
Me: Im not going to let that happen again, I need a clean break. So this is how its going to work: I promise to never call or come over again, you have to promise me the same, OK?
Her: (whimpering)Are you serious???
Me: I can't live with hope, it hurts too much.
Me: It hurts, Im sorry, I know Im being selfish.
Her: .... (long pause)
Me: You have to promise me!
Her: ... (unsteadily)um, yes ...
Me: Ok, good, it was nice knowing you, take care of yourself, have a nice life, bye. (I hang up, not waiting for a response)
God, it seemed like such the right thing at the time. But now, I regret it with my entire being. But still, of course I should feel this way , the decision I made wasn't supposed to immediately make me feel good, it was just so I could avoid future pain, kind of like a savings account. So of course its going to hurt, but theoretically I should experience less pain than I did with Chelsea, right? I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't truely like me, I judged this from 1 week of her not calling or coming over because "she was too busy". But then I didn't even give her the chance to change this on her 1 day off. Had I not said those things, would she have come over, I didn't even give her a chance to prove that she loved me. Fuck, I regret this shit now. But I can still believe that I will get over it eventually, at some point in time Ill stop rehashing the things she said to me. How could she have said all those things with such clarity, it doesn't make sense.
God, I had being human. I dont know what to do. I want to call her, but I can't, I made a promise, I can't break promises. Fuck, but it hurts worse than when I was with her. Fuck, why is it so goddamn hard? Why do I always bring this bullshit upon myself? FUCK!!!
Ah, so now its over. I terminated our relationship. 1 week of me not seeing
her, of her not calling or responding to my calls. The pain started coming,
real bad, just like it did 6 years ago.
Back then I didn't have the courage to end it so literally. I'm glad that I have learned from this. I was able to call her and promise to her that I would never contact her again and then make her promise to me to never contact me again. So now there is no hope. The sun has set never to rise again. It feels like a great movie has ended, there are no lingering ends, they have all been solidly cut. With such finality the pain will go away.
Im sure in a few weeks I will return to my normal self and the insanity will continue as normal.
MMM, Lauren inspired creative energy. I decided to retell my adventure in Japan
from the prospective of you (you as in you, the reader). Its still incomplete
and kinda rough, but I want to get it up anyways. Its tentative name is
"Rehash". Its on the left.
Damn, why do I always get creative energy from the shit in life. Like when you want her here now, or just to talk to. But can't because you want to satisfy her. It seems this relationship is a war between my needs and my perception of her needs.
No, I understand now. You gotta give it out like it is, no bullshitting. I hide my shit too much, i want to protect everyone and all that shit. Fuck that, im gonna call her tomorrow and give it straight up. No more bullshit, thinking im somehow protecting people by hiding my emotions. Fuck that shit. Even if I have to get fucking angry to do it, keeping it inside hurts too fucking much.
No, I understand now. Its about trusting someone. The things they said, make it make sense to you and then go with it. Don't second guess it, don't analyze it, just feel it and react to it without restraint.
No, I understand now. There is a truth beyond your own subjective perception, you are incorrect. Analyze it until it makes logical sense, this shit is logical, it is the only way to get to the core of the matter and realize the truth.
No, I understand now. There is nothing logical about it, it is entirely about emotion. You overgeneralize everything in order to avoid the emotions though, but this doesn't work in relations between man and woman. It is primordial in nature, it exists without logic or thought. The only answer is to realize your own emotions.
No, thats not right. You are here now, experiencing the things that you feel, you feel like you have no control over them so you put them here in an attempt to control them. But they cannot be controlled with words, yet you type away anyway. The feeling of the keys, the action of movement, the act of putting yourself somewhere else. Its just another distraction.
Ah yes, Ive come to understand that relationships between man and woman are
much more complicated than they seem on the surface. In order to really have a
girlfriend you have to give a part of yourself up, you have to place some of
your most powerful emotions under her control.
I trust the woman I have given my emotions to. I realize heartbreak is inevitable due to our circumstances, but she is worth it. Her life is not quite as orderly as mine, she has various problems that she can't sort out. A few unfortunate physical problems mixed with a few mild/serious mental problems. She realizes the impact these problems have on her life but lacks the tools to correct them. I want to help her, but it seems there is little I can do other than offer to sacrifice myself when she needs me.
She cares about me in a way no other woman has, it feels good, but I have to be careful to not be selfish take too much of her. I have to understand that there is only so much she can give.
When I'm with her it feels as if the division between myself and her is nonexistant, I forget where I end and where she begins. It feels good, immersed in her. But when she leaves I become myself again, not that being myself is so bad, its just different.
All this stuff doesn't really amount to anything, its just words and thoughts, yet it seems so important somehow.
Ok, so yesterday. Damn I hate having all these emotions and shit, its kinda
cool, but it also kinda sucks. It has also seemed to steal my creativity, all
my energy seems directed in her general direction now. I have seen her every
day since we met, I think this is the cause of the wierd emotion thing. So I'm
gonna cop out for a few days and visit my parents. Yea, hopefully it wont rain,
I want to hook up with some fishing.
Man I need to come up with some new content, this is turning into a romance journal or something. I think not having a woman in so long gave me special creative powers, its hard to find something to work with now. All my creative energy goes into her. Oh well, Im sure Ill figure something out at some point in time.
Much to my surprise, I'm still seeing this girl. She calls me from work and has
come over every night since I met her. I really expected her to be gone by now,
but tonight I think I figured out why shes still here.
The me she is attracted to is the entertaining drunk one. She is waiting for this entertaining person to emerge. However, that person only exists when my brain is combined with alcohol.
Now its just a matter of time before she realizes this and leaves. The question is how long it will take. How many more nights will she hang out with me in an attempt to dig out that entertaining drunk? How many more nights will she whisper sweet things into my ear in order to do this? How many more nights will she endure my natural self?
I'm gonna throw all this out to her tomorrow and get this thing broken up. I've already let myself get somewhat addicted to her and feel a genuine attraction/connection with her, I need to end this thing before I get in even deeper and end up with a few months of heartache. I need to bring her up to speed: "the drunk version of me that your waiting for ain't coming out unless hes drunk".
I'm like a SWAT team, I get in, do what I need to do and get out before anyone gets hurt too bad. I have a battle plan that will protect me.
Well, maybe I shouldn't be making conclusions like this so fast. I suppose its possible the drunk me just brought her in and then she got to know the real me and decided to stay a while. A come for the food stay for the fun type of thing.
I shouldn't come to such rash conclusions, I don't have enough data yet, Ill just ask her straight up and see what happens. With or without her I'm not gonna forget whats really important (beer/computer/job prospects/friends). I shouldn't have to depend on anyone for my happiness.
Hmm, maybe I should have given my "no sex chart" more credit. It seems to be coming true, at least in some respects.
In other news: I have begun the search for Yebisu Super Premium beer. So far I have only found this god of beer in Japan on the island of Kyushu, but Im finding a bunch of American websites that refer to it so hopefully I can track down a beer store that carries it. Yebisu is the "7th happy god" of Japan, he is a little smiling fat guy with a beer in one hand and a fish in the other. Naming this beer after a god is very fitting , its consumption can only be described as "eating a full meal" in terms of flavor and satisfaction.
Yea, well so much for my whole no sex/sex is bad philosophy.
So I was my usual drunken self one night and a hot girl shows up, so naturally I start hitting on her. Usually when I do this girls back off. I think of it as just a little fun game to play and not as a precurser to a relationship or anything like that. But apparently this girl liked it, the next day she shows up at Thads wedding and then that night she shows up at my house again, she spends the night. Next thing ya know, were all talking to each other on the phone a lot, etc, etc...
On my sex diagram I'm somewhere between attachment and good sex, I think I would have to make a whole new branch to fit the reality of it. I'm actually proud of myself, I haven't gotten all wierd and attached to her yet. I think I'm still waiting for her to run off. I really don't want to get hurt again so I'll just stay in the background for a while and let her come after me. It sounds pretty selfish, but I'm not gonna let some chick fuck my life up again.
Its so wierd though. I mean where did she come from. I still can't believe theres a girl in my life again. I've been acting totally natural around her, expecting her to just leave any second, but she stays. Ah, I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. After last night I woke up at like 12 and haven't exactly jumped back on my job search adventure.
I remember seeing some show where this guy and this girl are all into each other, the girl has this job where she has to concentrate real hard to do it right, but she keeps getting these flashbacks of the guy and can't put 100% of herself into it. Thats what I feel like, it kinda sucks, but maybe she will leave me soon or Ill get used to it. I want to be able to just switch back into normal mode, I want to separate my life alone and my life with her into two seperate mental states, but it ain't happening. Oh well, I guess I don't really have much choice at this point right, it feels too good for me to run away.
Ok, I feel better now. I've managed to wake up at 8AM instead of 4AM again, my
energy levels are starting to feel more normal. Memories of Japan are starting
to fade, its easier to live in the present. The job search continues to expand,
more resumes submitted, more leads, optimism. I enrolled in a class to study
for A+ certification so I can pursue the computer technician field with a
little more leverage if I choose to do so. I got a good book to read, to pass
time. I'm getting more comfortable with the general idea of being a
drifter/bum/hermit for the next few months.
Things are generally getting better.
So, I just got home from a party at one of Allen's friends houses. It was
pretty cool, it was kind of my initiation back into the American way of life.
But it made me miss Japan.
Life here is so different, people are different, scenery is different. I miss being around a population that is so trustworthy of each other, a closed system where everything works the same way. In America everything is so random, the experiences are so random, everything is so random, it doesn't seem to be based on any single principal, but a multitude of individual principals working against each other. Everything in Japan was so predictible and simple.
I also miss Tomoko. I'm remembering more of my experience, when I was there I just took it as it came, there were things I wanted to say to her, but never did. I regret not taking full advantage of the situation, even in another country I still hid behind my habitual walls and never really opened myself to her. She opened herself to me, but I never returned the favor, this I regret. The warmth she brought to my life, I never expressed it to her, I just stole it and hid it all away deep within myself, I truly am selfish. I wish I was still there so I could right these wrongs, but no, I am here now and nowhere else.
I keep telling myself to just forget it all and move on, but it touched me so deeply, it won't go away so readily. Even in my lifetime of repressed emotions I can't block this out, its just too strong. Certainly, in the physical world there is no way for me to remedy this directly, I will have to rely on something else to correct this. All I can do is turn all my experiences into a book and then place myself in my mind as the main character and make different choices. I can only write about how it was and then imagine how it should have been. Perhaps this will alleviate some of the pain.
In coming to these realizations of things I've missed, I'm also coming to the realization of what I have now. Now I am an unemployed college grad with no immediate prospects for the future. I can only imagine where I will eventually end up carreer wise, I predict a long period of searching until I eventually attain my carreer of choice. I never really thought of this period of drifting until now, with nothing else really going on I will have to be careful. I need to stay focused on the job search while at the same time searching for things to keep me sane. In the following months it will be very easy for me to turn into a full blown alchoholic or give up the persuit of my desired career and end up in some shitty job. I will need to search deep within myself for the answers I need to keep on living.
Yea, so everything is pretty much back to normal. Well, except for the part
where I wake up at 4:30AM every day.
I decided to start the job search and axe plans of going back to Vegas for a week. I've traveled around and relaxed enough, I'm ready to get some work goin. So far the search isn't so good, I dig for hours and hours to find a single entry level job in programming to apply for. But its all good, every day I'm going to either apply for a job or submit my resume to one of those job sites. I figure over the course of a few months I should get at least an interview. If I come up empty after about 6 months I will lower my standards and maybe get back into tech support. It pays well and all, but I would really rather be programming.
Other than that, not much else going on. I've turned into a hermit/bum again. I really like traveling, it makes things seem more real somehow, but its impossible to travel forever. Here at home I have just a few things to occupy my time: job search, video games, TV, this journal, my AI project; but when you travel it seems like the entire world opens up, everything is possible. Oh well, time to move on to some other activity.
Man, Im still feeling pretty screwy since my trip to Japan. I have these wierd
energy levels, from the hours of 10AM to about 5PM it feels like the early
hours of the morning, its a struggle to stay awake. From the hours of 5PM to
about 2AM it feels like a regular day with all this energy.
I've been trying to get to sleep around 12ish but I end up staying awake because of all the energy, and when I finally do get to sleep I have these lucid dreams with no visuals but a warm feeling that I am still in Japan, then I wake up in the dark and come to the realization that I am back home and then the fear of a nightmare strikes me, its very powerful and wierd.
When I went to Japan it was exactly the opposite, for the first few days I slept like a rock, went to sleep at 10pm and woke up at 6am and had great energy throughout the day. I had the feeling that this was how life was supposed to feel. Now back home everything is the exact opposite. I'm not sure if this is some wierd jet lag, or maybe just lag from the diverse experiences I had. Either way I hope it goes away soon so I can begin the job hunt or prepare for another trip.
Wow, so now I'm in recovery mode from Japan. Yesterday, when I got home it felt
like it was 2 in the morning when in fact it was only 2 in the afternoon. I
left Tokyo 12(noon) on July 31 and got into Dallas around 10am July 31st. So
basically my plane said to the sun, "OK sun I'll meet you on the other side of
the planet in about 12 hours, you go this way around, I'll go the other way
around". Its pretty screwy.
Last night I ate a moldy pop-tart, went to sleep at 10pm and woke up at 1pm and I feel like I had a hardcore night of drinking. My body is trying to catch up, but I think it will take a few more days to get into it. Good thing I have enough groceries, I don't think I should try to drive yet.
While I was gone my parents recreated some parts of the house that were old or falling apart, it felt like I was on that show where they change peoples houses. Its pretty sweet, I love the changes.
My English vocabulary has dropped a little, too much time in Japan around people not fluent in English forced me to speak slower and use simpler words which caused my thoughts to follow the same pattern. But its good to be home, I can understand what is going on around me. I remember yesterday marveling at how big cars are here and how much open space there is around the roadways and being able to understand what people around me were saying. Yes, home is good.
On the downside this trip has pretty much killed my motivation for learning Japanese, hell I don't even really want to watch anime; my appreciation of having a place to call home and a language I understand has increased greatly.
If you want to read about my journey go to the July 2004 Archive and scroll up from the bottom until you hit it.