May 2005
April 2005
March 2005
February 2005
January 2005
A few jumbled months 2004
September 2004
August 2004
July 2004
June 2004
May pt.II 2004
May pt.I 2004
April 2004
March 2004
Febuary 2004
January 2004
December 2003
November 2003
October 2003
September 2003
August 2003
July 2003
June 2003
May 2003
April 2003
March 2003
Febuary 2003
January 2003
December 2002
November 2002
August 2002
July 2002
January 2002
December 2001
November 2001
October 2001
September 2001
August 2001
July 2001
June 2001
May 2001
March 2001
Febuary 2001
January 2001
December 2000
August 2000
July 2000

Mundane Reflection


This week.

I was walking around the corner to the back elevators as I always do. Then I see a thick green drape over a cart. I realize there is form to the drape, I recognize the form of a body under the drape. It is a corpse. Upon realizing this I look away in shock and try to ignore it, but it stays with me, I try to stay light and continue on to the MSICU (medical surgical intensive care unit) to perform my job but it stays with me.

I find myself at the patient room I have to enter in order to repair the computer inside. The patient is moaning horribly. I look into his eyes and see his pain. He is young, it reminds me of myself for some reason. The mood of the room seems too dire for me to introduce myself properly so I mumble a hello and bury myself in the action of repairing the computer. His painful moans are not the least bit effected by my presense. The pain he is feeling transcends everything else. I can feel it in my soul.

There is no solution to these things. I can't repair them. I can only accept them and move on. I try to form a barrier of happiness and ignorence inside myself to protect against the temporary nature of life and comfort but these things eat right through it in a heartbeat. They are just too real.

Because of these hard experiences I can enjoy the peacefulness of any moment even more. Now I will fill myself with a wall of ignorence and happiness as temporary as it may be.



This weekend:

- spark plugs/wires/oil
- clean house
- shoes
- search for dead rats



Captain's log, today. I ate food, I watched TV, I cleaned house, I took a nap. As we continue our voyage towards the great nothing I fill myself with meaningless optimism.

I found that time last night again. Where time stands still and I exist in the space between a blade of grass and the air that surrounds it. Yes, a 40 of bud ice, anime and alone time. I didn't really have high expectations for the night, but at some point just after sunset something drew me to the beer store, bought a 40, returned home. At home expectations were still not high, but something drew me to anime. I sunk inside it, very deep. I forgot my own existance for a period of time. During the night I died and became an empty ghost, this morning I returned to life; Fully rested and ready for anything.

Last night, while carrying feelings of desire for companionship I discovered something better in the realm of utter loneliness. Life happens like that sometimes. You can try to contol it like it is some kind of solid, finite object. But this thing you try to control is not life, rather, a dirty reflection. It is better to ignore it and see with your own eyes than to become attached to it.

Intense feelings of meaninglessness punctuated by intense feelings of meaningfullness.



This weekend has been ok, feels like I got back in touch with myself. Its easy to go weeks and weeks in a frenzy of work and sleep without taking time to realize that you are a living being with needs and desires.

Its almost automatic to put all that stuff on the backburner and just move forward with action. But I need to slow down every once and a while.

Im starting to feel the need for a companion again. It feels like this is a significant event in life. To be around someone you care for and to be cared for in return.

This is the part of life I fail miserably in. I see the goal, to find a companion, but I do not know what action to take to reach this goal. I have reached the goal before, but Im not sure how I got there. It spontaneously happened, I didn't have to do anything special.

A strange mystery, but I can just keep doing stuff and hope it will happen again somehow.


There is this printer at work, I have been fighting with it this last week. Trying to get it to print large medication administration reports, but it will not. This is due to a physical limitation in the software and printer. The software requires the printer to have an insane amount of memory to print these reports. We do not have this memory in stock and it will take $1500 to get the necessary memory. There is nothing more I can do, I must rely on my superiors to either shell out the money or find some other option.

I hate this, being in a position where I cannot do anything. I am just floating in space until someone gives me the tools I need to provide a solution.

The solution will come suddenly, I have pushed this as far as I can take it. I need to release myself from its mental price and rely on my trusted companions.


I got chewed out by my neighbor saturday. Too many parties, too loud. Underage drinking, life as I know it in jeopardy.

Too much beer maybe? Time continues either way.


I can keep an optimistic view to keep the action going. Many roads in life one can take; long, short, difficult, lonely, they all end up in the same place. But there can still be happy optimism, even down the road through hell.